anxiety! agoraphobia! help!

[jen]

i have a major problem with agoraphobia (i think) maybe it's just the way that i am. when i was four i was taken from my mom, home and family and hospitalized for five months. maybe i was traumatized by it, but since i can remember i have always been scared to be too far away from home.

 

when i was growing up, i always felt an uneasiness about going to far away, then about 1985 when i was about 29, i develped agoraphobia ( a fear of open spaces)

 

it hampered my life so much that i finally had to get counseling. i lived in a semi small town anyway so my boundaries weren't too much to worry about as far as having to go too far.

 

well since then i lived my life in a comfort zone and missed out on so much that it caused alot of problems in my life and relationships as well, not to mention alot of what my kids had to deal with and miss out on too.

 

well now i moved to a rather large city and although my boundaries have expanded greatly and i do alot more now then i have ever in my life. i still find myself wanting to stay in my comfort zone to a point.

 

well my bf of two years or so, it the type of guy who wants to do things. believe me we have faught about this so much that i have almost left him several times because i was holding him back (indirectly) from doing certain things. he did not want to do them alone and missed out because of me.

 

well now some times i can make myself go and i have fun once i get there, but other times i really don't want to go, but my bf wants me to go, he never pushes me, he just tells me that he'd like for me to come along. i feel so guilty when i say no and i watch him walk away alone and i start to think if he's alone too much maybe he'll meet someone else at these things, like weddings, bar-b-ques, just outings in general and gatherings.

 

i am put in a horrible position because i don't feel like going, yet feel obligated to go, yet feel threatened if i don't go, and i feel resentful if i do go.

 

this is ruining our relationship as he is a busy person and enjoys doing these things. i am not going to take anti-anxiety meds, been there done that and dont like it.

 

i can't tell where i begin and the anxiety begins, by this is mean, maybe part of me just don't like doing these things so i get anxious. but i really can't tell.

 

i wish i knew, sometimes i think he is better off without me and or i am better off without him then neither one of us would have to go through this. but if this is just the way that i am "anit-social) as he sometimes call's me, then i am comfortable with the way i am.

 

i don't want to leave him just because i don't want to always go to these things with him, and i don't want to feel like i have to go or i might lose him. i doubt i would but still, i don't want him to go alone and meet someone or drink and drive which he might.

 

what can i do? i'm so confused, i just don't know where i begin anyway and the anxiety starts and where and what to do. any advise would be so much appreciated! thanx jen

[Tony T]

Your agoraphobia certainly stems from the separation from your family when you were four. There is probably some chemical basis for it that runs in your family as well.

 

Phobias can be extremely debilitating and there are several things the sufferer must do. Rarely will anyone ever fully understand the scope of your mental suffering with this but you have to be very upfront with the men that you date, maybe not right away but within the first month of meeting. They need to decide for themselves if they are able and willing to cope with the limitations of your phobias. Many men are very understanding and will work around your comfort zone. You don't need anymore anxiety than you already have to deal with by having men around who are too shallow to be compassionate and understanding.

 

I just have to assume you have explained your agoraphobia in great detail to your guy. If he is not able to fully understand, either you did not explain it to him properly or he is an inconsiderate, rotten, lowlife, uncaring, blooming idiot.

 

If you have talked to him and he still cannot handle your limitations, there is nothing I can suggest. Usually agoraphobics have severe abandonment issues (such as would be created when your parents put you in the hospital when you were four) and you are unlikely to want to give him the boot. So, if you are unwilling to do what you need to do, then you must live with the situations you have described in your post.

 

Having to constantly deal with people, not only your boyfriend but all other friends and associates, regarding the agoraphobia can be very trying. You are probably very reluctant to discuss it with many people unless you are forced to. You most likely make up various excuses for not going here or there or participating in this or that. That alone can contribute major stress in your life that you don't need. You suffer enough already.

 

I will say that you made great strides when you moved to a larger city. Few agoraphobics would be able to do that, depending on the extent of their case. If you will take time each day to take walks away from your comfort zone...and go just a little bit farther every day...and see that you will not die, your heart will not stop, you will not pass out, you will not panic...you could probably cure yourself over a period of time. This is called systematic desensitization. Often, a sufferer will take a trusted and understanding friend along...or a therapist. A cell phone may be comforting.

 

So you need to be incredibly clear with your boyfriend as to the exact nature of agoraphobia and give him the option of staying and being kind and understanding...or hitting the road. Then you need to do what you can to help your case improve. You've only got one life to live.

 

I know you are not in the mood to take drugs anymore, but research has come a long way since your agoraphobia developed. Doctors have had incredible luck with therapy consisting of various anti-depressants, beta blockers, and serotonin inhibitors in combination. There are drug therapies that will not make you tired, yet significantly reduce your anxiety. Klonopin is one drug, in the Xanax family, you can ask your doctor about. It does not cause fatigue or dorwsiness like Xanax, yet has the same calming effects.

 

Also, I urge you to use your favorite search engine and type: "agoraphobia" in the search field. There are a number of Internet sites with incredible insight. Also search for sites on Panic Disorder, which many agoraphobia suffers have to contend with as well.

 

There is no need for your life to be as limited as it is not. Be patient with yourself.

 

I also will tell you in all my days I have rarely met someone with serious phobias who did not have a problem with supressed anger...anger at someone or a lot of people in their past who caused them great trauma. It could be anger you have at you parents for leaving you in that hospital. If you deal with this anger, if you are aware of it or can be made aware in therapy, your load with lighten greatly.

 

Good luck!

[jen]

thank you tony: i have often thought of leaving my bf to make his life easier and mine as well. like today, here i sit mad at myself and the world. we have a wedding to go to, 1 1/2 hours away with someone i never met will never meet again and don't care to meet anyway.

 

so why am i going? i'm going because i feel so bad for him when i don't go and i know he wants me to go. he knows about my anxiety problem and tries to get me to do things with him to help me.

 

sometimes i don't mind, other times i do. sometimes i just go cause like i said, i wonder if he may find someone else at one of these things and then want to leave me.

 

sometimes i wish he would, it would take a lot of pressure off of me. but i do love him very much and i have experienced alot since i've met him.

 

however, i don't want to feel like i have to go with him to protect my territory so to speak, but ido feel that way at times. i trust him though, it's just that maybe he'll have enough of my crap and want to move on, then ican't blame him can i, or myself either.

 

i have beta blockers (inderal) and that helps a great deal, however, i can't figure out where i end and the just not wanting to go begins.

 

i can't tell if i don't want to go, cause i don't want to go or if i don't want to go cause i'm afraid to go and have no control of coming back when i want to. i have to stay there, period.

 

this sucks! thanks for your advise again, i really appreciate it and will try to put the desentization to use once again. is it wrong for me to want to be like this? i mean, i am not complaining about the way that i am, i'm happy with my life, otheres are o.k. with it too.

Your agoraphobia certainly stems from the separation from your family when you were four. There is probably some chemical basis for it that runs in your family as well. Phobias can be extremely debilitating and there are several things the sufferer must do. Rarely will anyone ever fully understand the scope of your mental suffering with this but you have to be very upfront with the men that you date, maybe not right away but within the first month of meeting. They need to decide for themselves if they are able and willing to cope with the limitations of your phobias. Many men are very understanding and will work around your comfort zone. You don't need anymore anxiety than you already have to deal with by having men around who are too shallow to be compassionate and understanding.

 

I just have to assume you have explained your agoraphobia in great detail to your guy. If he is not able to fully understand, either you did not explain it to him properly or he is an inconsiderate, rotten, lowlife, uncaring, blooming idiot. If you have talked to him and he still cannot handle your limitations, there is nothing I can suggest. Usually agoraphobics have severe abandonment issues (such as would be created when your parents put you in the hospital when you were four) and you are unlikely to want to give him the boot. So, if you are unwilling to do what you need to do, then you must live with the situations you have described in your post. Having to constantly deal with people, not only your boyfriend but all other friends and associates, regarding the agoraphobia can be very trying. You are probably very reluctant to discuss it with many people unless you are forced to. You most likely make up various excuses for not going here or there or participating in this or that. That alone can contribute major stress in your life that you don't need. You suffer enough already. I will say that you made great strides when you moved to a larger city. Few agoraphobics would be able to do that, depending on the extent of their case. If you will take time each day to take walks away from your comfort zone...and go just a little bit farther every day...and see that you will not die, your heart will not stop, you will not pass out, you will not panic...you could probably cure yourself over a period of time. This is called systematic desensitization. Often, a sufferer will take a trusted and understanding friend along...or a therapist. A cell phone may be comforting. So you need to be incredibly clear with your boyfriend as to the exact nature of agoraphobia and give him the option of staying and being kind and understanding...or hitting the road. Then you need to do what you can to help your case improve. You've only got one life to live. I know you are not in the mood to take drugs anymore, but research has come a long way since your agoraphobia developed. Doctors have had incredible luck with therapy consisting of various anti-depressants, beta blockers, and serotonin inhibitors in combination. There are drug therapies that will not make you tired, yet significantly reduce your anxiety. Klonopin is one drug, in the Xanax family, you can ask your doctor about. It does not cause fatigue or dorwsiness like Xanax, yet has the same calming effects. Also, I urge you to use your favorite search engine and type: "agoraphobia" in the search field. There are a number of Internet sites with incredible insight. Also search for sites on Panic Disorder, which many agoraphobia suffers have to contend with as well. There is no need for your life to be as limited as it is not. Be patient with yourself. I also will tell you in all my days I have rarely met someone with serious phobias who did not have a problem with supressed anger...anger at someone or a lot of people in their past who caused them great trauma. It could be anger you have at you parents for leaving you in that hospital. If you deal with this anger, if you are aware of it or can be made aware in therapy, your load with lighten greatly. Good luck!