My Girlfriend's Overbearing Mother

[bz42]

Ok, here I go. This might be a long post, but at least you'll understand my frustration.

 

It all started last February. I was online playing a game on a website, and so was my "girlfriend". Did not know it at the time, but long story short...we started talking, talking on the phone/skype, and I ended up visiting her in July. I was on the east coast and she is on the west coast, so I packed my suitcase and went over to visit her. We hit it off and I ended up staying. This is where my story will begin.

 

Let me start off by saying I am a 22 year old male, and my girlfriend is 24.

 

I bought a one-way ticket, so I was not sure if I was coming back or not. I wanted to see her for real so we could see how it would go. So, I get there and it's all cool. It was summer so we went to the beach and basically were on a little vacation. It was awesome.

 

Then, we headed back to her hometown (about 2 hours from the beach). I met her family and everything seemed to be nice. Her family that I met is comprised of her, older sister, older brother, younger brother, younger half-sister, younger half-brother, mom, and step-dad. My girlfriend was still living with her parents at the time, so she asked her stepdad if I could live there until we got a place together.

 

Well, after a while I landed a job and we moved out and got our own place together.

 

Not until about 2 months ago had I realized a huge problem in this family.

 

Let me tell you a little about my girlfriend's mom.

 

She had 4 kids with her first husband. My girlfriend is the 3rd of these 4.

She then got a boyfriend, and had a daughter.

She then got remarried and had a son.

 

My girlfriend's mother is very controlling and over protective. Let me also put in here, my girlfriend is the "favorite" of all her brothers/sisters to make things that much worse. Anyways, I found that even though we moved out of her mom's house, I found myself there with my girlfriend way too often. She needs to always know where she is, what she is doing, why she isn't home, etc. I see her mom as more of a kid than anything really, she doesn't work, she just acts like a kid for the most part to get her offspring to "like" her.

 

My girlfriend and I almost broke up the other day, and one of my biggest problems with her...is this. I have tried to explain to her that her mother is very controlling, and usually the case is you turn 18 and your parents "let you go"...you know like they let you live your own life. I have never heard my girlfriend say no, or disagree with her mother. Her mom will say something, and she will listen and agree. I started being "controlling", and my girlfriend hated it. I tried to get her to realize what was going on and that being controlling is bad. I did everything her mom does to her, like tell her who her friends can be, what she needs to be doing at any given second! Now my girlfriend is resentful towards me for being controlling, but I am only trying to show her what has been going on for probably her entire life.

 

Her mom is constantly telling her what to do, or butting into our relationship and telling me I am doing things wrong, etc.

 

Her mom is always texting her. Examples of most common text messages.

 

1. What are you doing?

2. Are you coming to the house?

3. Is everything okay?

 

These are like every day texts. Her mom ALWAYS wants her at the house.

 

Her mom will also tell her where to get a job, tell her whether or not she should be dating me, what to do, and where to go.

 

My girlfriend never says anything to her about controlling her life, like she knows it's happening but is like brainwashed or something.

 

There is so much more, but I just want a response from someone.

I love her, and she loves me but the stress her mom brings on both of us is killing our relationship. PLEASE HELP! Thanks!

 

I almost forgot one thing. My girlfriend's mom will always ask her, "What time do you work tomorrow?" or "Do you work tomorrow?". Then, when my girlfriend answers like..12-8 or something, her mom will show an upset face and be sad that she can't "hang out" with her daughter. Just thought I should put that in there. It is really weirdly weird.

 

Also, her younger half-sister is 13 and does not have any friends. Her younger sister will always text my girlfriend and say, "Can you come over after work?", "Hey, were going to eat dinner soon, wanna come over?".

 

I feel that every kid in the house, except for the youngest is like...literally 30% emotionally behind. For example 13 year old daughter acts like 9 emotionally. My girlfriend is 24, acts like she is 17 emotionally.

 

I just need a lot of help.

Edited March 2, 2012 by bz42
forgot something

[shorty7]

Tell her exactly like you said in your OP:

 

1) You see that her family is controlling her and is frustrating to you

2) Let her know that you still care about her

3) You just want her to be happy because of herself, not because of what you or anyone else in her family thinks, does, or says to/of her.

 

And really, it seems that she does need to live a little, but she's got to make that choice for herself. If she's not in the least tired of it or accepts her family's control as part of her life, then it's ALWAYS going to be part of her life. She may not see it in her family, but she does see that "control" is a problem in her relationship with you.

 

You can't fight fire with fire as her family is her family problems, not yours. There's got to be a compromise somewhere. You have to let her know what is frustrating you, what bothers you, but what you know you can or can't accept.

 

You're going to have to accept that her mother's going to call / text her. you can let your girlfriend know that if mom decides that she needs to come home at 7PM when you made dinner reservations, it would NOT be cool if she didn't call mom back and say, "Sorry mom, I've got previous engagements" instead of cancelling with you to go please mom.

 

The thing is, her mom is always going to be that way. YOU can't change that. I'm betting your girlfriend has even less control over that than you do. What you can do, is help your girlfriend step back from her situation allowing her to see from an outsider's pov--but you turning on her won't help. What you CAN change, is the way you choose to deal with those situations as they come.

 

And if all else fails, you have to come to terms with asking yourselves BOTH this question: are you dating her, or her family?

Edited March 2, 2012 by shorty7

[setsenia]

Wow, that is quite a big move for someone you only knew online. Anyways, you have to realize that her family is a big part of her life. You should talk to her about how you feel about it. Her mom is obviously controlling but she doesn't or does not want to see it. My brother's fiance's mom is extremely controlling. There are many long stories I could get into but won't. My brother was living with them after 3 months of dating before they moved out on their own. Her mom is very similar, calls her on a daily basis and bitches, asks what her itinerary is and tells her what to do. She went along with it for the longest time until her mom created some crazy drama and my brother told her that he was going to leave her if she didn't get control of the situation. Her mom doesn't want her to be self sufficient at all, but rather be at their beck and call and do everything for them. And she does it with no problem. Bottom line is, you cannot change her, especially if she won't see her mom has some issues and wants control of everything. Sit down with your girlfriend and have a serious talk with her.

[jeocleark]

some one run this situation and i think we should beleive yourself and do something right.

[SpiralOut]

Talk to her about how you feel, being careful not to criticize her family while you do so.

 

Are you prepared to stay with her if nothing changes? It is possible that she won't ever change.

[juliebean2012]

It sounds like your girlfriend may not be used to standing up for herself and asserting her independence. Are you her first serious boyfriend?

Edited March 7, 2012 by juliebean2012

[darkmoon]

the mother has been around longer than you; these very close mother/daughter relationships are nothing new

 

i don't think mother can handle her girl doing adult stuff...screwing, hanging out with a man, cooking for him

[AmEricanWomann]

OP, I think the bigger problem that you have is that it sounds like your girlfriend doesn't have a problem with her mother's behavior or their relationship dynamics.

It sounds like she's fine with how she and her mother interact, but it annoys you and you're trying to get her to choose you over her mother.

You have a right to your feelings,but if your GF isn't complaining about how her mother is treating her, then soon she's going to have a problem with you soon if you try to get between her and her mom.

Explain your feelings to your girlfriend , keeping in mind that she may get very defensive. You're trying to change 23 years of relationship dynamics in a relationship that you just entered. I guarantee, if you don't handle things delicately , ou'll be the one on the outs.

[RiverRunning]

The mom kind of sounds narcissistic to me. She's picked out your girlfriend as the favorite, she's controlling, she has to know EVERYTHING and be involved in every facet of her kids' lives, she behaves childishly, etc. OP, how does she act when any of the kids disagree with her? Is she prone to big, violent, sudden outbursts if the kids disagree with her? It's not uncommon for narcissistic moms to rule the roost in that manner, scare everyone else into submission. Do the kids EVER disagree with her?

 

The big issue here is that you can't get your girlfriend to see it. You've talked to her about it, even used controlling behaviors as a tactic to get her to realize it...and she will only accept it from her mother apparently (unlike most, I think you sometimes have to take action as you did). Now I think it's time for you to lay down the ground rules:

 

She can have a relationship with her mother, but the mother can't be controlling and dictating her life anymore. Your girlfriend needs to stand up to that. Because this WILL erode your relationship in the future - will your girlfriend eventually dump you if mom says you need to go? My feeling is that the moment mom definitively says she needs to leave you, you will be history.

 

I would explain to your girlfriend that you can no longer tolerate this nonsense. This was a problem I ran into with my ex and my controlling mom. I was 21 - 22 and she was calling me at random times while I was out (for NO reason). It was a control mechanism. If I didn't answer when she called, she would blow up and leave a cruel message. Even if I called her back within the next 5 minutes, she would explode at me and demand to know why I hadn't answered. I KNOW that caused a lot of stress on our relationship, but I eventually had the gall to stand up to my mom.

 

If your girlfriend can't find that, it's time for you to go. This will only get worse and you will be the bad guy.