My girlfriend of 1.5 years went back to ex-husband

[Spartannation]

I'm pretty sure my girlfriend for a year and a half went back to her ex-husband. I know I need to move on and concentrait on myself. But I would still like any advise and some shared personal experience from people. I'm 28, and she is 27. She has two kids. One is a little over 2 and the other is 8. I met her when she was separated already for 9 months. She got officially divorced 3 months later. I kept my distance and we started out just physical. I broke it off a couple times because i was unsure about it in the beginning . It was only for a day or so. She eventually said she wanted more. I took my time, but agreed. We kept growing closer and one night she told me she loved me. I was actually at that point too. About a Month *later my friends convinced me that I shouldn't be with her. I was not sure so I ended it. I didn't want to hurt her in the long run. I was worried about her having her tubes tied and I have no kids. I went back home to Michigan for a over a week for a wedding. I came back and texted hi. I realized I really wanted the whole package deal (the kids and her)and I didn't need my own personal children. We got back together. I was sure I wanted her in my life. I wrote her poems, played with her younger kid a lot( I loved it, miss the little guy), did chores, made dinner, held her, was there for her, etc. We agreed to take our time with the older kid. We were at the point where I was going to meet her. I had keys to her apartment. Gave the keys back for the her father to get something when she was skiing with

the kids. She insisted she would do my laundry or let me do it there. We were really good. Her ex husband showed up drunk a lot, yelled at her, laughed at her when I ended it in the beginning. Broke into her car, would not come get the kids for preplanned events because she did not want to argue with him. They got divorced because he cheated on her. She ended it. He had a girlfriend after the divorce. Anyway recently he tried to get more custody of the kids. That really tore her up. I think it was a game. Her young boy has rsv and health problems. She was always home at her apartment so she could give him the treatments for awhile. She either lost her job or quit. She never told me. She also let me use her dish network for my phone and I just noticed it was behind a couple months. We got into a stupid fight but patched it up. A week later I wrote her a poem and got flowers for her for valentines day. She loved it. We talked fine for a couple weeks then she disappeared for 3 days. Said she went to Arizona to one of her girlfriends to get away. She said she kept her phone off. It was until she was in airport. We talked, she said she loved me and missed me. I got her a gift for her birthday she loved it. We talked. Were fine still. Talked to her the next day. We were really good for 3 days. She was having a movie marathon with her mom. We joked and talked back and forth about the movies etc. She said she loved me. That was late friday night. Since then She has not responded to my messages. About two a day. My grandpa passed away and someone hit my car at church on sunday. So I'm super emotional. *I've asked her if she was ok. If she wanted me to stop talking to her. I left her alone almost two days. I found out where her ex-husband and her used to live. I remember her saying she lived there before she moved into her apartment. I think she Said he moved out and were trying to sell the place. Idk.i drove by during the day in my work truck. I saw her car in the garage with the door open. I drove back at Night and there was a big red truck (her ex-husbands) out front and the garage door Was shut. I called a Couple times later and sent a message asking if shes back with her ex, and ect. That's *why i broke the silence. No response. My number isnt blocked or anything. It's now Thursday. She has completely disappeared from

Her apartment complex. I went to see if she took my birthday gift with

Her and she did. I left it in an old mail box. I Checked her storage locker and it was unlocked. Full of her stuff, clothes, *stroller, etc. Maybe she got hurt but I doubt that. Maybe I'm drawing to conclusions about her and her ex. But obviously I'm not of her concern. * *Idk. I'm going to say I'm going to leave her completely alone and I love her and always will. I wish her the best. I'll say check box # whatever and put this long letter I've been working on

To get rid of stress. *Idk. What do you think? Plus what do I do when she comes back? I have a feeling she will at some point.*

[Leprechaun]

Hi Spartannation, I completely sympathize with you as I am in a similar situation.

 

The harsh lesson I have learned is never to get involved with a married woman, or one that is recently divorced as they still have a lot of unresolved emotional issues.

 

Allow me to elaborate a little on my situation. The woman concerned is someone I have known her for approximately 16 years (since about 1996, when we were teenagers). She was actually first cousins of the best childhood friend I had growing up (he lived next door to me). Her and I were also in Scouts together, so we go way back.

 

I had always liked her from when I first knew her but I was always the shy quiet type and I wasn't sure that she felt the same plus I didn't know how my friend might react if I made my feelings for her known, so I never made any move on her. Anyway, we ended up losing contact as we both went our separate ways, as internet and mobile phones weren't as widespread back then as they are now. Some years passed and she moved away and ended up getting married and now has four kids. She has been with the same guy for about 10 years and married to him for three.

 

I had sometimes wondered over the years where she was and how her life had turned out; then we regained contact about 2 years ago when out of the blue she added me as a friend on Facebook. I saw that she was married though with kids so believed that any chance with her was a thing of the past.

 

Just over a year ago though we started communicating more over Facebook and then ended up exchanging numbers and this progressed to us messaging each other daily and talking on the phone almost every night. She had said how she wasn't truly happy in her marriage as her husband was too controlling telling her where she could and couldn't go, what friends she could go out with and even what she could wear on nights out, etc. He would also try to spy on her emails, Facebook, what websites she visited, etc. She spoke to me about all her problems and at first I was honestly just a friend to her and tried to help her with her problems and give her advice.

 

She eventually got fed up with her husband's behaviour and they separated. We talked every day on the phone for hours and met up the next time she came home to visit family. We ended up kissing. She told me that she had always liked me from way back when we first knew each other but wasn't sure if i felt the same so she never made a move. Looks like we both liked each other and never knew it so not making a move is something I'll always regret.

 

Anyway, our feelings for each other progressed and she made plans to move back home with her kids and even put herself on a housing list.

She said that I was so nice to her and understanding and that I never judge her and always gave her space when she needed it without questioning it.

 

The months continued to pass and we continued to message each other and talk on the phone for hours every day and even met up a few times when she was home, and slept together and everything. I even met one of her kids who took to me instantly. She was actually quite surprised and impressed and how well her daughter and I got on together. She talked about the future and all the things we would do together when she got moved back home. We were just patiently waiting for a house to become available.

 

Then suddenly out of the blue at the end of October last year she went cold on me, she stopped talking to me over the course of a weekend then on the Monday she messaged me saying she had decided to give things another go with her husband for the sake of her kids. This came as a surprise to me as she had always said things such as how her husband is a waste of space, doesn't respect her, doesn't help out with the kids, how he would try it on with her and she'd have to brush off his advances.

 

It turned out they had been sleeping together for a week or so before she sent me that message.

 

She still continued to message me and talk to me on the phone. She said that everything between us was real to her and she doesn't regret any of it, that she does really love me, I would be her first choice, and not her husband but she just feels this is the path she has to go down for the sake of her kids.

 

We even met up last December and again on New Year's Eve. Her husband and her are living separately and technically are still separated but I still feel bad about meeting her both times as technically they are meant to be working things out and I shouldn't be getting in the way of that but by this stage my feelings are too developed and no matter how much I tried to break contact with her I just couldn't do it and neither could she.

 

She still would talk to me on the phone, telling me all her problems etc and I would listen. But a month ago we decided that we should break contact if she wants to give her marriage a proper last ditch attempt. She still found it too hard and would phone me every few days and I didn't have the heart not to listen to her. At one point she phoned me and started crying saying she finds it so difficult as she can't stop thinking about me. She said that she wants to see me again next time she is home as she feels she has to see me in person to be sure if her feelings for me are real or not and that if she still feels the same then she really needs to question her marriage to her husband. I had told her this probably isn't a good idea and that she should just focus on her marriage, that if it works out I will genuinely be happy for her and the kids and if not then who knows what the future may hold for her and I. But she seemed pretty insistent about meeting up. She even called me late on Saturday night (just over 11 days ago) drunk. On the Sunday she called me too apologise for it and said she would try again not to have any contact with me. On Thursday last week though I went through a traumatic experience and ended up getting really drunk. I really needed someone to talk and she understands me best so I ended up messaging her and got nothing back. Next morning I noticed she has removed me from and blocked me on Facebook. I have heard nothing from her since and doubt I will for quite a while.

 

The conclusion I have come to in my own mind is that she only seems to want to know me when she has problems and wants someone to listen. When everything is going ok for her then I don't hear from her. The one time when I really needed contact with her and she completely blanked me.

 

Anyway, deep down I love her and always will. I just want what will make her happiest and if that means her sorting her marriage etc then I will be happy for her but I have decided now, there is no going back. Even if on down the line things don't work out between her and her husband, nothing more will happen between her and I. She had said we would be together and made plans etc, I took her at her word, believed everything she said then she threw it all back in my face by going back to her husband. After that, she still continued to string me along telling me that she loves me, etc, and now she has completely removed me from her life now that everything is starting to go ok for her. I don't know if her feelings for me were real or not or she just saw me as a comfort for her. All I know now is that it is best never to get involved with a married (or recently divorced) woman as she will have way too many emotional issues. I've also learned that if she runs off back to her husband or ex husband the best thing to do is just cut all contact there and then and don't look back. Easier said than done though.

 

I hope you will be ok Spartannation. The way I see it. If these women truly cared about us then they would not have just completely removed us from their lives so coldly by cutting all contact then blanking us, especially after everything we've done for them, and being so nice to them.

 

So once again, moral to the story: NEVER get involved with a married (or recently divorced woman).

 

If you do and she ends up going back to her husband then the golden rule should be to cut all contact there and then and never look back.

Edited March 7, 2012 by Leprechaun

[mike588]

Also not only be very careful with a divorced woman but a woman who is fresh out of a relationship.....a b/f..g/f relationship.

 

I wouldn't say NEVER get involved... just go ever so slowly...listen to what she says...how she acts.

 

If she ever...ever mentions....I still have feelings for my ex. RUN...I only wished I would have.

[tgr172]

My situation is similar but different. She was divorced for over 10yrs, has no financial problems and her ex got remarried but reciently got divorced. And she has gone back to him. However I think in your situation she is going back to familiar and safe. She wasnt going to let you see her crash and burn as far as her financial affairs... she wanted to appear strong. She probably wont contact you or return her calls because she is embarrised and you are to be avoided for that reason. He is what she knows and ran back home. However he seems like a real jackass and she is now very dependant on him to survive, he now knows it and the abuse will get harder because he has something to hold over her head. She will either take it and submit or get tired and bail. You know her best and you decide whether she will get out or just stay. But she (in my opinion) went back for the wrong reasons, not that she has it for him but she needed the safety net.

[Spartannation]

She got the letter and said it was amazing. She said she loves me and misses me. We have been messaging back and forth. She said her dad had a heart attack later in the week. She said she has stayed at her ex's house but it's not what I think. Her son was really sick and she couldn't take care of him by her self. So she has been back and forth between her house, her parents and the ex's. She also said her ex went crazy and said some threatening things about me. So she backed off for a while, then all this other stuff happend.

[ChrisMac]

She got the letter and said it was amazing. She said she loves me and misses me. We have been messaging back and forth. She said her dad had a heart attack later in the week. She said she has stayed at her ex's house but it's not what I think. Her son was really sick and she couldn't take care of him by her self. So she has been back and forth between her house, her parents and the ex's. She also said her ex went crazy and said some threatening things about me. So she backed off for a while, then all this other stuff happend.

 

Be very, very careful, man. Women have the ability to take one thing that's going on and make it sound completely normal in another way. I say back way off and try to find other things to do and let her figure her life out. Her kid getting sick is bad, yes, but the "retreat" with her girlfriend and all the rest raises big scary red flags.