Why do I feel like I am making no progress?

[ThatDudeXO]

I really want help on how to progress while maintaining NC.

 

I'm on 7 days NC since my ex told me she doesn't love me any more, yet I can't stop thinking about here every minute of every day. We broke up 3 months ago.

 

Whether it's reminiscing about how good we were together or the things we never got to do.

 

I know that the relationship wasn't working out but I am hurt that she she never spoke up or tried to work on our faults. she ultimately chose her career over me and wants to stay friends, even though it was a LDR which I saw no point of doing so. There was a chance of us getting back together but I ruined that all by hassling her.

 

Even when I was with my friends all week, I had moments where I needed to sit by myself and keep quiet, shed a tear or two.

 

Sometimes I think I'm close to being over her but then moments later I am back in the same depressive hole fighting the urge to contact her so we maybe could be friends.

 

I ultimately want her back but I accept why it's over and she doesn't love me but I feel like an addict who urgently needs a fix. I just want to hear her voice.

 

I'm sick of all the mood swings, I desperately want to move on and lose this emotional attachment. I don't wanna care about her any more or who she might be with.

 

It's been 3 months since we broke up and week of no contact and I still feel like no progress has been made...

 

The first few days of NC were great because our last conversation hurt me which pushed me away. I deleted her number and gave my facebook password to a friend to avoid stalking. I tried going out and partying with friends. Chilling with friends. Playing sports I love. Spending time with family. I also had an alcohol fuelled one night stand but after doing all this, when I sit down on my own, I can't get my ex out of my head.

 

I feel like am back where I started emotionally, missing her and want her back. What hurts even more is that she seems so happy and moving on well.

 

From the great advice I have received here on LS, most say go NC for a while but I guess my question is, how can I make progress or at least FEEL like I am making progress while maintaining NC?

 

My head tells me NC is the best thing to do, the relationship wasn't working out at all, she isn't the person I fell in love with and I can do so much better.....but my heart isn't letting me feel this way, it feels like a war going on in my head as I'm constantly trying to convince myself to move on but I always find myself in this depressive state at the end.

[Chi townD]

Okay, forget that you broke up 3 months ago. Your first day; your fresh start, started 7 days ago. Rome wasn't built in a day. This takes time. And yeah, it sucks. I was there one time. When I went NC, she was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of at night. But I still was in NC. Then, one day, I woke up and she wasn't the first thing on my mind. That's when I knew I was healing. Stay NC and I promise you that one day you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing that pops into your head.

[The_Good_Me]

Hey ThatDudeXO

 

I know exactly how you feel and I'm so sorry you're going through it. You should know though that feeling like you do now after 3 months is natural, especially as you've only been 1 week NC.

 

My ex broke up with me last April, I started NC 6 weeks after the breakup and that lasted until xmas day which happened to be her birthday. I sent her a happy birthday message and I started NC again from that day to this day. I still feel as though I have made no progress overall and recently have relapsed hard back into dark depressing thoughts.

 

It takes everybody a different amount of time from when NC is initiated before they even start making progress. It's probably taking me longer than it should but again a lot of factors will contribute such as how long you were together, what the relationship was like and how it ended.

 

The break up and your wounds are still fresh for you even though I know the last 3 months will feel like a lot longer than that. The point is though that you really should not be punishing yourself for not having made progress yet and you should not force trying to move on.

 

You should be very proud of yourself for reaching your first week NC as the first week is one of the hardest in my opinion. Unfortunately in the grand scheme of things though, it isn't a lot of time spent healing so I urge you to try to be patient as hard as that is.

 

So far you have been doing the right things, doing your sports, hanging out with friends and socialising. Essentially what you need right now are distractions and as much stuff to fill up your day as possible. I'm not saying everything works all the time as even when you're in the middle of being distracted, something can happen to make you remember your ex. Plus I for one know that at times it is impossible to try to distract yourself even with the things you love doing the most. There were times where I could do nothing but sit and think about everything. The important thing is you keep trying to distract yourself and do stuff whenever you can because sometimes it does work. The best thing to do is try something new like a new sport or musical instrument or try learning an new language and culture. Doing things you're familiar with already doesn't require as much learning as something new and when we try to learn something, our mind has a better chance at focusing on it.

 

It's sadly still early days yet mate so please do not be hard on yourself. For now you just need to take each day as it comes and try to accept that you're in for a long hard ride that cannot be rushed. Once you have accepted this, you will begin to focus more on yourself I think.

[Renard99]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

 

After nearly 8 years together my ex told me that she no longer loved me. She'd been going through a period of 'self discovery' and ultimately caught the Grass Is Greener Syndrome and left. In the year before that things had been rocky but nothing that I thought was major, but all of a sudden she came out with all these things that were grounds for a break up. One thing that struck me is the number of them that started really small and insignificant. Things that if she'd said something there and then we could have easily worked on them. The thing is, she never told me any of these things in the year before, all I got was a sense that things weren't right.

 

As for healing, as Chi TownD has said, you're really only started 7 days ago, so take that as your start point. Unfortunately, from my experience you really have just got to give it time. It was at least 4 or 5 months for me before I started to feel 'strong' again. It was another few months after that I began to feel more like myself again. I've just hit 1 year and 1 month since the breakup and yet I do still think of her and wonder what she's doing now. I even saw her a couple of weeks ago getting into a car driven by an unknown male and my mind started racing...'is that my replacement?' but.... the positive thing after I had that thought was the fact that I thought 'who cares?' but it still doesn't change the fact my mind raced to start with. The feelings, whilst massively deminished, are still there even this long after. Time is wearing them down though. You just need to let it do its job.

 

My advice would be to not count the days, or months. By counting them you give yourself a time frame and think to yourself 'surely I should be better by now?' but the truth is everyone is different. I know people who have left one relationship, gone through the tears, anger, depression and come out the other side in a couple of months, but others that have taken years. Hopefully by not counting, one day you'll look back and say 'wow, it's been 12 months' and not even realise it!

[brokenheart88]

i know where your coming from. My ex officially broke up with me in aug, but i realized it was truly over in oct.

 

i feel as though nothing as shown me that I've truly moved on, sometimes I would get texts from him and when I do I'm soo happy. i still do cry over him all the time. and i wish time would move a little faster so i know that it doesn't have to be this bad. i try to count the days to...

 

 

but what I've come to realize and it doesn't really make it that much easier is to see how you are when it first happened compared to now. when my bf broke up with me i was crushed. i really saw a future with him, first time i ever felt that way with anyone, even know I'm still young. i was terrified to see a future without him especially since he was a friend too... and now even though i still cry over him it isn't always as intense. my heart doesn't hurts as much... and the cry fest aren't as long or frequent. thats how you can see you've made some progress...

[ThatDudeXO]

Thank you for the replies, they do give me a fair bit of optimism.

 

I guess time is the healer, I'd just rather know for sure that I am healing and that my thought process isn't holding me back.

 

I don't cry as much as I used to but last time I went NC for 2 weeks, there are always random weak moments which made me just cave in and call her see how she is doing but obviously I am nothing but a 'friend' to her now. I wish I could stop wanting her back ASAP because I know she has no loving feelings for me any more.

 

Do you guys know of any thought processes or mind exercises to help yourself progress and move on from your ex-partner? I fear that I love and care for her too much to let go of her mentally and emotionally.

 

Also, if she does contact me randomly (as she has done before) - what do I do or say that won't hinder my progress of healing?

[Numb79]

No contact regardless!! Doesn't matter if she is the one that reaches out or not! Trust me.... I am 5 weeks broken up and strictly NC, and I don't even know if I have made any progress. I would like to think I have. Don't get me wrong.... I still have the urge to reach out but I have come to the point where I don't even know what to say!?!? I guess the fact that she doesn't contact me also makes it easier.

But NO CONTACT regardless!!

[Star Gazer]

Okay, forget that you broke up 3 months ago. Your first day; your fresh start, started 7 days ago. Rome wasn't built in a day. This takes time.

 

Stay NC and I promise you that one day you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing that pops into your head.

 

This, this, this.

 

Be patient and kind with yourself, and don't expect yourself to heal on any particular timeline.

[ThatDudeXO]

I thought I'd give a little update and I'd like to say I have made progress

 

It's day 18 of NC (with possibly a drunken text near the beginning, not sure)

 

The pain in my heart is gone.

 

I no longer crying over her or beating myself up over the loss.

 

I feel good again, I feel like I can be my old self again. I'm ready to be that wonderful person again

 

One issue still remains is that I love my ex, I think the world of her and reminiscing about the good times makes me miss her so much. I know for a fact if she actually tried we would have a great relationship but hey, she's loving being independent now.

 

I want to stop loving and missing her, I want to know how to do this.

 

Also it pains me to think that she never really loved me, I don't believe you can just fall out of love after 3 years without wanting it to give it a try. Part of me tells me I just satisfied her needs and she never actually loved me. Now that she's grown and become independent she doesn't need me anymore, so she dumps me and doesn't look back. That isn't love.

 

I have dated a few girls in the past week, it's great fun but deep down inside I wish it was my ex I was with :\

Edited March 11, 2012 by ThatDudeXO