CurlyIam Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 so I was on this nice romanic weekend with my bf when I ask about his brother. He's been completely honest, told me almost everything about his brother suicide. I can tell he's beyond this now, still it made me wonder... HE was an incredibly incredibly intelligent young man. Got to travel a lot, lots of awards, prizes, scholarships... What can be this man's motives? I find it... uncomprehensible. Of course, I gave my support to my bf and promised myself to never ever open the subject again. Because it just seems ... it does not make sense What would one drive to do this to himself? I'd really appreciate the input Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 Could be many, many reasons. The number one suspect (IMHO) is depression. People who can seem very successful and happy on the outside can suffer from depression. Perhaps he was experimenting with drugs. There is no way to know what he was thinking or feeling. I'm very sorry and glad that you are there for your bf. If you want to get some other views on suicide from friends and family of survivors, check out the http://www.beyondindigo.com website and look for the messages and information about it. You might even check this out and then suggest that your bf visit the site. Perhaps he, or others in his family, can find some comfort there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted June 7, 2004 Author Share Posted June 7, 2004 Thanks, hokey. I have checked the site, but is generally about how to help children deal with death of one of family's members. I am not doing that. I don't think I can really. I'll simply always be there when he needs me, if he needs me. Our talk there moved something in me. He'd be telling me how his family finally decided to move, because their friends, the community didn't seem to understand. They were all calling it "selfish". My bf said it was nothing selfish in it and would confess about how that kind of reaction would hurt him and his family. Well, to tell you the truth, that's exactly what I'd be thinking. Only it's not good. Not right. So maybe if I just could understand about this. About motives. Maybe I'll know what to say. But depression is a desease, right? I think he might have understood something was wrong with him. Drugs... who knows...? Anyway, he was in Asia,decided to came back home, fly back to PAris, go home, write a note to his parents, go to a hotel and do it. This is not drugs. I can't believe it's drugs! Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 it could be one of a wide range of things. a trip to asia may have made him very depressed and/or see everything in a whole other light. he may have had a hopeless love there. he could've simply gotten depressed for other reasons. he could've been influenced by someone, like a religious leader. he could've done something he thought he deserved to die for. etc etc etc. there's just no way to know why he did it, but being smart and successful (as far as others can tell) has nothing to do with it. my 2c, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 When you are in the pit of depression, your ability to think beyond yourself is disabled. You often think you're a burden to others and they would be better off without you. Illogical? Yes, but that is the nature of mental ailments. People tend to regard these issues from their own point of view, thinking 'well, if I did that, it would be selfish' but this is an utter failure to put oneself in the place of the depressed person. Picture a situation where you can see nothing but black around you - and all you feel is endless pain. Nothing at all happy or cheerful or even the tiniest bit positive. You can't, can you? Until you have been to that place, don't think ever that you can understand what someone who commits suicide feels. There are books and websites with stories of people who almost killed themselves - and there are some such stories here. They may allow you some insight into their perspective, but only you can (or cannot) have the sort of empathy that genuinely lets you understand from their point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
Cupcake Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 This really is a very difficult topic. One of my closest friends commited suicide alomost 2 years ago. He was in his middle thirties. Had a very young child. On the outside, he seemed to have a lot to live for. Sure he had a few problems that seemed to be normal, with his childs mother, his career and so forth. His suicide was a shock to everyone. He did leave a note, so that his family could have a little resolve. Unfortunately, they didn't share that note with anyone outside of family. So I am still a bit disturbed by the suicide sometimes. I often consider suicide for myself. I'm 24 years old and I haven't accomplished anything I thought I would have by now. As a child, I was often ridiculed. I didn't have any friends because everyone thought I was ugly. I was very shy and didn't talk much. I did not have any kind of identity that allowed me to be appreciated by anyone. I was literally a nobody. Saying that nobody liked me is an understatement. My teachers even disliked me because they said I was dumb. I did okay in school, but I know I could have done better if I'd had some encouragement or someone who believed in me. I lived my entire childhood looking forward to my adulthood because I was told by the people who loved me that things would get better for me when I grew up. They said I'd be prettier when I grew up. And of course since being ugly was the reason for my failure, I guess that was their way of giving me hope so that I wouldn't have commited suicide as a teenager. When I was about 9 years old, I told my mother that I wished I were never born. That disturbed her so much. She didn't know how to handle it. So she spanked me (not abused). And she made me promise never to think or say that again. To shorten a long story, I have had so many failed relationships with friends and boyfriends in my life so far. Every little hope that I get in my life seems to escape me somehow. And I often feel as though it's all beyond my control. I've been trying for my entire life, to find my place in this world. And I still haven't found it. I even tried to spiritual stuff. But that only lead me to realize that there are so many different religions. Who knows which is right or wrong. It's too confusing. The only thing that keeps me from commiting suicide is the fact that I don't want to be defeated by "all the many things beyond my understanding or control" that I feel are trying to defeat me. If I ever give up my pride about facing defeat, and things haven't changed for me after a while, I can totally see myself going through with it. I keep asking myself: Who and what am I living for? I didn't ask to come to this world. I don't have to ask to leave it. Certainly if something fatal should happen to me, I could get killed and I won't be able to contol when I leave this world. At least committing suicide will give me some type of control. I'm sharing this to help you understand the viewpoint of someone who at least considers suicide, especially if you have never concidered it or can't phathom why anyone else would. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted June 8, 2004 Author Share Posted June 8, 2004 Hello, Cupcake Your post there moved me... Thank you so very much for sharing. It is very brave (talking about things you fear most, about explaining me your reasons. I know it must hurt and I think you strong for doing so. Especially sinceyour purpose is to help me. Who and what am I living for? I didn't ask to come to this world. I don't have to ask to leave it. Certainly if something fatal should happen to me, I could get killed and I won't be able to contol when I leave this world. At least committing suicide will give me some type of control. This passage in your post made me... the reastlessness, the wondering, the need of controll... As a matter of fact it comes from being different, isn't it? Not finding your place or meaning ... But cupcake, also you say you do not have a beautiful physical appearance, you can be liked, be loved and be appreciated by those around you for who you are.For inner beauty. For your sensibility and kindness, for the depth of your wit. I thin you can overcame this. You just need a lot of confidence and ... some friends around you. Honestely, thank you thank you thank you for writing. You made me catch a glimpse of something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted June 8, 2004 Author Share Posted June 8, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme There are books and websites with stories of people who almost killed themselves - and there are some such stories here. They may allow you some insight into their perspective, but only you can (or cannot) have the sort of empathy that genuinely lets you understand from their point of view. Hi, moimeme Strangely enough, you unknowingly gave some hints. He did decide to suddenly leave and visit New Zeeland, and than Australia. All alone. And then, at 19, without even speaking the language, he went off to Birmania to live there for a while - this was 14 years ago, the country was in war. Who does that? Why would one do that? your explination with being a burden, and for those around him better without him... And you were also right about the depression. I am as far from that as anyone can be. Oh, I do have my moments, I do beat me down quite often, but I take great pleasure in living. I get enthusiasted about everything, from a little baby's smile to the perfection of a flower. The mere thougth of being so sad as not to be able to enjoy this... That's why I was talking about reasons. I want to know. I want to go through this. Each day I find myself more and more closed to being empathic. I don't know why. I just am.Sometimes I even get to pass as insensitive and heartless. But it is hard. Feeling someone else's pain is a strage and very difficult experience for me. For if I do connect, I seem to be doing it all the way... I don't like hurting, moi. I don't like hurting for other people. This is why most of the times I just don't want to experience that, so I choose not to. So in the end you were right about me!! But this particulat time I choose to want to know. I choose to want to be there. I choose to want to understand. Thank you very much to all people who responded, all of you have been very very helpfull. And if you do want to share, you're more than wellcame to!!!! So mainly it is the being different thing, isn't it? About not finding your place? Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 I tried sucidede twice as a teenager. Once out of anger and wanting to "show them" or get back at the world (a rather immature reason to kill yourself, but htne teenagers aren't know for well thought out plans) anyway, I tried to drive a car off a curve into a tree. I swerved at the last minute and flew out of the car and hit the tree with my shoudler! The second time I "wpke up" from a haze in the kitchen slitting my wrists with a knife. I didn't fel any pain, and have no idea how I ended up there, ecept that I was alone and in tears, but there was no one reason or event that happened that day or redently, and I was not on drugs nor hand been recently. I honselty have no idea how it got that far - it just happened. Anyway, I don't think anyone can ever know (sometimes the victims don't even know) why it happens, so don't beat yourself up about it. It is just one of the cruel mysteries of life (or death) Just mourn him and let him go... Good luck, A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnlover Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 i too wanted to kill myself not too long ago. infact..the thread is a few threads below yours. i was extremely depressed and i was ready to do away with myself. it was just an overwhelming sence of anger, frustration, and sadness. i felt like i had no other place to go. i didnt have anyone else to talk to. i didnt know what the hell was going on. i just started remembering what my life was like and i hated it. i felt like nothing mattered. i thought that everyone was turning their backs on me. i wasnt using drugs...i was very depressed and i wanted out. luckily..i got help. i spent 3 weeks in state facility and it was the most horrible place i had ever been in. i saw things i didnt want to see and to top it all off....i also saw that all my problems we nothing compared to some of the other problems people had. it is true that some others have it worse than you. i never took that saying seriously. i thought it was a way to make me feel better. gooduck and i hope this helps you a bit. your bf is lucky yo have a gf like you to support him in something like this. ~*AUTUMN*~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted June 8, 2004 Author Share Posted June 8, 2004 I must admit I was not prepared to face the image of your down point. My instincts tell me that what I feel reading posts about people I somehow got in contact with - through the Shack, is nothing compared to ... well, I guess you all know what I mean. I wish I could find the right words to comfort you and to somehow help. Just know that you're doing such a wonderful and touching gesture by sharing... Link to post Share on other sites
autumnlover Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 but i do have to say that i am feeling MUCH better than i was and i realize that i have lots to live for. I am happy to be alive Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted June 8, 2004 Author Share Posted June 8, 2004 Well, autumn, since you're on the Shack, I Know you're better ! Big hug, Curly Link to post Share on other sites
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