New Here, Old Affair Rekindled

[itsourchoice]

Hi.

 

I am having a difficult time even articulating what is happening with me. I am a single mother, with six kids, two of whom are grown. I work hard, I do it all on my own, no child support, etc. I am proud that I can take care of my family.

 

There is a man that I met 16 years ago. We were very close, but because of our circumstances we never did have sex, but the relationship was one of such emotional intimacy and friendship. We ended it back then because we both felt it was unfair to drag spouses, kids, etc. into a situation that we would later regret.

 

We would meet up again every few years. Still, never having been intimate. Every time having that attraction sexually but more than anything that spark of kinship, friendship, love. Every time we turned ourselves away from it.

 

Now, I am divorced and I have a good career, and his daughter is a little older, we are back to our old thing, this time having consummated the relationship. I don't know how I am feeling. I love him. I always have. He is my one, I feel. His wife is an alcoholic, who is passed out every night by six p.m. We live miles apart and only see one another occasionally. But we talk on the phone for hours every night, and text many times during the day. He feels he cannot leave his wife for a plethora of reasons, and I am in no position to have a full time relationship.

 

So, a couple of questions for anyone interested to reply. What is wrong with having someone that you see every few months for a few fabulous days together, have a wonderfully intimate relationship through phone calls, texts, emails, etc. and be happy? Why does it have to be so ugly?

 

He hasn't had intimate relations with his wife for twelve years. Like I said, she is an alcoholic, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care for her. I know he does. I know he feels an obligation to her. He is religious, which makes it more difficult. We talk often about the what if's... the wish it could have been's. We also realize our reality now. Things cannot change from the way they are, unless one of us ends it.

 

I just don't know how to feel. I am so emotionally attached and I know he is the same. I miss him all the time. He makes me feel happy, and he is just about the only person with whom I can discuss anything at all. I am sure many will be upset to hear that I have no guilt regarding my relationship. I feel we each give the other companionship, love, friendship, caring, sex, all of it. It is difficult to have nobody to talk with about my relationship, because it is a secret. That is so hard. He can't either. That is hard too. I almost wish I could pull back just a little, not completely, I do love him, but just a little. Give myself a moment to breathe. I just don't know how anymore. I know it would help me to focus on other things... I can't seem to.

 

Any advice?

 

Thank you so much.

Edited March 2, 2012 by itsourchoice

[Owl]

 

So, a couple of questions for anyone interested to reply. What is wrong with having someone that you see every few months for a few fabulous days together, have a wonderfully intimate relationship through phone calls, texts, emails, etc. and be happy? Why does it have to be so ugly?

 

 

This is simple.

 

Ask his wife.

[beenburned]

Beware, most MM lie about their home life and wife, in order to gain sympathy from the OW.

 

If he is so unhappy with an alcoholic wife(for years), why has he not divorced her?

[itsourchoice]

I don't think it's so much about her. They don't have a romantic relationship. They do have a daughter that they raise together. She is an alcoholic yes, and I think that he does care about her and doesn't want to abandon her. We are not close in proximity. I live 1700 miles away. There is no way for us to have a complete life together . I am not making excuses, I was just trying to flesh out the situation for everyone. I have known my guy for 16 years. I know their home life. The thing is, her life and his life with her, have not changed on bit, except that everyone comments on how much more happy and content he seems.

[woinlove]

Most people feel guilt because of the lies and deception, either that they participate in or that the MP engages in because of what they share together. Many people like to see what they share with a loved one make them a better person, inspire them to more honest and authentic living. Remove the lies and deception, have an R that is honest and open, and then usually there is no guilt.

 

I notice you said you keep your R a secret. What do you think would happen if you decided not to participate in that deception and were just open and honest about your R as you would be if he were not married to someone else? Do you think that would cause a divorce that he doesn't want? Does keeping it a secret bother you, or are you fine with that? It doesn't sound like you particularly like the secrecy, although some people do.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think it's so much about her. They don't have a romantic relationship. They do have a daughter that they raise together. She is an alcoholic yes, and I think that he does care about her and doesn't want to abandon her. We are not close in proximity. I live 1700 miles away. There is no way for us to have a complete life together . I am not making excuses, I was just trying to flesh out the situation for everyone. I have known my guy for 16 years. I know their home life. The thing is, her life and his life with her, have not changed on bit, except that everyone comments on how much more happy and content he seems.

 

Does the everyone who says that include his wife and daughter?

[whichwayisup]

I have known my guy for 16 years. I know their home life.

 

No, you don't. You only know of what HE tells you and even then that's his version of things..Slighted towards what he wants you to know/what to think about his home life and marriage.

 

He is 'happier' because he's getting ALL his needs fulfilled by TWO women! Of course he's gonna be happy about that, what married person wouldn't be! He's the king right now, all the meanwhile you're hurting and wanting more yet he's unable to fulfill all YOUR needs and be there for you all the time.

 

He has reasons to still want to be married, like it or not, that's not going to change. You just make it easier for him to stay married, have his cake and eat it too.

 

People who want to divorce - DO. He hasn't, so he's not that miserable in his marriage.

 

As for the no sex - I doubt he's telling you the truth there..

[Emme]

What is wrong with having someone that you see every few months for a few fabulous days together, have a wonderfully intimate relationship through phone calls, texts, emails, etc. and be happy? Why does it have to be so ugly?

 

There is nothing wrong with having that type of relationship. What is wrong is you're leaving out an important factor, he's married. It's great to have someone you love and care for. Women look for that and they find it in men who can give of themselves completely. You can enjoy what is being offered but you are not happy, you are just being pleasured. Happiness wouldn't have you posting on this forum.

 

The reason why it has to be ugly is because everyone is lying, including you. I always say that you have to be honest with yourself or you can't move forward. You don't want to come clean and say how you truly feel you will be kicking yourself when it's too late. In your post you make statements as though you only have an opening for a part time position. If you want this man and you want him full time in your life you have to say it. If you know deep down inside that this statment is false, "...and I am in no position to have a full time relationship. " You better start talking to quick. You want him in your bed when you wake up and go to bed at night, you better talk quick. Say what you want and say what you feel. That's why your emotions are all over the place.

 

 

Things cannot change from the way they are, unless one of us ends it.

 

There is no such thing as can't, only won't.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I get a variety of red flags when someone uses the word "rekindled" here.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It's impressive that you can pull it off while raising 6 kids all by yourself.

[2sunny]

You DO deserve to have all that with a man if that's what makes you happy.

 

Unfortunately he's not the one to give you all of what you desire... If he was - there would be no guilt.

 

I agree with whichwayisup... You only know what he wants you to know.

 

If he were that miserable - he would divorce!

 

And please - pulling the " religion card" - if he was LIVING what he believes - he wouldn't be carrying on with YOU! His character is flawed - that's why he cheats! And YOU are helping him.

 

Religion is much different than DOING what is right.he is not an honorable man.

 

I would say - communicate with him only when his divorce is final.

 

The conscience is there for reasons... It's telling you that what you are doing isn't right.

[bentnotbroken]

You DO deserve to have all that with a man if that's what makes you happy.

 

Unfortunately he's not the one to give you all of what you desire... If he was - there would be no guilt.

 

I agree with whichwayisup... You only know what he wants you to know.

 

If he were that miserable - he would divorce!

 

And please - pulling the " religion card" - if he was LIVING what he believes - he wouldn't be carrying on with YOU! His character is flawed - that's why he cheats! And YOU are helping him.

 

Religion is much different than DOING what is right.he is not an honorable man.

 

I would say - communicate with him only when his divorce is final.

 

The conscience is there for reasons... It's telling you that what you are doing isn't right.

 

 

Hello! :bunny::bunny:Being religious means what in his case?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Hello! :bunny::bunny:Being religious means what in his case?

 

Probably that divorce is wrong.

 

I saw a show on TV where a religious young woman had to murder her husband so she could be with the handyman. Divorce was not accepted in their church.

[bentnotbroken]

Probably that divorce is wrong.

 

I saw a show on TV where a religious young woman had to murder her husband so she could be with the handyman. Divorce was not accepted in their church.

 

 

She sounds her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Twit.

[bentnotbroken]

You talk for hours every night and he lives 1,700 miles away?

 

The guy may not even be married anymore or his wife may work at night. You wouldn't know one way or the other.

 

 

Wouldn't it be funny if the wife is the one looking for a way out since he spends hours talking to another woman. He can't be much of a husband. Just taking up space.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm surprised the OP doesn't pass out at 6:00 on the dot each night, with 6 children to raise and financially support on her own. I would.

[2sunny]

She may drink that much because he has been mean and or ignored her thoughout the years.

 

Ever thought that he may have treated her poorly? That may be why she drinks...

 

Call and ask her! Ask her in the morning- she may just be getting home from her night shift of 12 hours of work... Find out before you just "believe him!"

[mercy]

May I ask what faith is it that allows lying and cheating but not divorce?

 

May I also ask, is it easier for you to do what you are doing, thinking (not knowing) she is some loser drunk?

[SoMovinOn]

So, a couple of questions for anyone interested to reply. What is wrong with having someone that you see every few months for a few fabulous days together, have a wonderfully intimate relationship through phone calls, texts, emails, etc. and be happy? Why does it have to be so ugly?

 

What makes it ugly? Do *you* see it as ugly?

 

What is wrong with it? Perhaps everything. Perhaps nothing. Only you can decide what you are OK with, what makes you happy. If all of this works for you just the way it is - then it works for you and whatever opinion anyone else might have is irrelevant to those points.

 

As for it working for him, that's only for him to decide. It would seem it does work for him, otherwise, he'd likely not continue with it.

 

His wife? ... there can only be guesses there. Maybe she knows, maybe she doesn't know. Maybe she drinks because their M is lousy, maybe their M is lousy because she drinks.

 

The only thing we can know for sure about her is you will get no shortage of people here who can presume to know everything about her and their M. They will be certain she is the poor innocent victim in this scenario. She was a wonderful loving wife until her scumbag H started cheating on her. Her awful H drove her to drinking and you are willfully taking part in her demise. You can allow them to drag you down to their level, or ... you can ignore them.

[SoMovinOn]

Isn't that what the OP is doing? Presuming she knows everything about her and their marriage?

 

We don't know what the OP knows for sure or how she knows it. It is an assumption she knows because the MM told her. If one has an interest in how she knows what she knows, it might be best to ask.

[itsourchoice]

Actually, I do know. I have known them both for years. I lived near them until I moved away. I know that she is an alcoholic and has been for 20 years. Let me remind everyone that we have known one another for years and never acted on our feelings until six months ago. I know their daughter as well. The six p.m. thing, she doesn't pass out EXACTLY at six, but she is passed out pretty much by six every night. Don't think I don't feel for her. But not for her marriage. I feel bad that she is an alcoholic. That clearly she is unhappy enough to have to drink herself into oblivion every evening. That she is incapable of relationships because she is a recluse. I feel bad that their daughter feels she doesn't have a mother whom is capable of caring for her. I don't hate her. I don't have animosity even.

 

As for lying about it... I don't lie about it. I don't have to. I don't see anyone who knows him and when we go on business trips, we get together. It is fun, relaxing and I love my time with him. I do love him.

 

Religion... he is catholic. Active Catholic. Like, not a cafeteria Catholic... but a Catholic.

 

I think I got everything..

[itsourchoice]

Actually, I do know. I have known them both for years. I lived near them until I moved away. I know that she is an alcoholic and has been for 20 years. Let me remind everyone that we have known one another for years and never acted on our feelings until six months ago. I know their daughter as well. The six p.m. thing, she doesn't pass out EXACTLY at six, but she is passed out pretty much by six every night. Don't think I don't feel for her. But not for her marriage. I feel bad that she is an alcoholic. That clearly she is unhappy enough to have to drink herself into oblivion every evening. That she is incapable of relationships because she is a recluse. I feel bad that their daughter feels she doesn't have a mother whom is capable of caring for her. I don't hate her. I don't have animosity even.

 

As for lying about it... I don't lie about it. I don't have to. I don't see anyone who knows him and when we go on business trips, we get together. It is fun, relaxing and I love my time with him. I do love him. And yes, I do have six kids. Two are grown. Four are still pretty small. It is really difficult to raise them alone, but I do it. I also work full time and take care of everything. I am lucky enough to have found a position working from home so I can be with my children. But I will say this, when my kids go to bed, I am glad he calls. It is a nice break, simply because it it so difficult. So yeah.

 

Religion... he is catholic. Active Catholic. Like, not a cafeteria Catholic... but a Catholic.

 

I think I got everything... Oh, and thanks everyone for being 'so' understanding. You guys are awesome.

[bentnotbroken]

Actually, I do know. I have known them both for years. I lived near them until I moved away. I know that she is an alcoholic and has been for 20 years. Let me remind everyone that we have known one another for years and never acted on our feelings until six months ago. I know their daughter as well. The six p.m. thing, she doesn't pass out EXACTLY at six, but she is passed out pretty much by six every night. Don't think I don't feel for her. But not for her marriage. I feel bad that she is an alcoholic. That clearly she is unhappy enough to have to drink herself into oblivion every evening. That she is incapable of relationships because she is a recluse. I feel bad that their daughter feels she doesn't have a mother whom is capable of caring for her. I don't hate her. I don't have animosity even.

 

As for lying about it... I don't lie about it. I don't have to. I don't see anyone who knows him and when we go on business trips, we get together. It is fun, relaxing and I love my time with him. I do love him. And yes, I do have six kids. Two are grown. Four are still pretty small. It is really difficult to raise them alone, but I do it. I also work full time and take care of everything. I am lucky enough to have found a position working from home so I can be with my children. But I will say this, when my kids go to bed, I am glad he calls. It is a nice break, simply because it it so difficult. So yeah.

 

Religion... he is catholic. Active Catholic. Like, not a cafeteria Catholic... but a Catholic.

 

I think I got everything... Oh, and thanks everyone for being 'so' understanding. You guys are awesome.

 

 

Active in what, as what. The outside, that other people can see kind of active, but not to the soul active? Or to the soul active but misplaced that Catholic guidance when he wanted to carry on an affair for years? Or is he a Catholic like on special days of the week? I need to be clear on his action of being Catholic but not a cafeteria Catholic( I have never heard this phrase before, someone enlighten me please.) Since I am not Catholic, I am not sure what you mean.

[NoIDidn't]

OP what are you really feeling? The "I don't know" usually means "I am not acknowledging" something.

 

I don't know what it is that you aren't acknowledging, but I've had this feeling enough times to *know* I'm avoiding something - for whatever reasons.

 

Are you truly happy with the way that things are (the meet ups, the phone calls and texts to keep things close/going) or are you feeling trapped by parts of your own reality and his?

 

Are feeling conflicted because some people think you should feel one way and you don't? Or is it possible that you are feeling badly about some of it (might explain why you ask "[does] it have to be so ugly")?

 

The long-of-the-short of what I'm asking is "Are you being honest with yourself about what you are really feeling"? Your feelings are the only ones that matter to you as you try to sort yourself out of this conflicted, confusing state.

[2sunny]

Active Cathoilc... Nope.

 

Active affair? Yes. Justifying his bad behavior? Yes Showing his child that it's ok to stay with Mom while she gets drunk every night? I guess so - which is not a good example to set.

 

YOU are HELPING him - by cheating. The accomplice...

 

Ask him to take a look at HIS wedding vows - and the ten commandments.

 

Is anything in the Catholic version of religion stating that IF his wife gets drunk he doesn't need to honor her - and that he SHOULD cheat on her? Nope!

 

How's his religion REALLY working for him?