New Here, Old Affair Rekindled

[mercy]

[quote=itsourchoice;3855374

Religion... he is catholic. Active Catholic. Like, not a cafeteria Catholic... but a Catholic.

 

 

 

 

'Tis 'xactly what he is, lass.

 

Cafeteria Catholic - One who does not follow the doctrinal/moral teachings of the Church.

[2sunny]

My ACTIVE Catholic family members don't cheat. They find ways every day to GIVE to people who have less than they need, the unfortunate, the homeless and the sick and dying.

 

The RELIGION in our family never did include adultery as acceptable behavior.

 

When I found my exH's behavior completely out of line and unacceptable - I divorced him - I didn't complain about him and cheat behind his back!

[NoIDidn't]

'Tis 'xactly what he is, lass.

 

Cafeteria Catholic - One who does not follow the doctrinal/moral teachings of the Church.

 

Actually, I thought a cafeteria Catholic was one that treated the religion like a buffet where they pick and choose which parts of the Faith to follow?

 

(Of course, I think we are saying the same thing mostly).

[itsourchoice]

To be fair, I am not Catholic either and I don't know exactly what the rules are. I know they don't believe in divorce. I know that he feels that he feels it is the lesser of two evils. I guess, what he said was that we had been fighting our feelings for so long that he was willing to see where it went. I guess another problem with that comes when I am not in a position for it to go anywhere at this time. So, I don't really have a clear answer.

[2sunny]

'Tis 'xactly what he is, lass.

 

Cafeteria Catholic - One who does not follow the doctrinal/moral teachings of the Church.

 

One who eats off of "others plates"

[NoIDidn't]

To be fair, I am not Catholic either and I don't know exactly what the rules are. I know they don't believe in divorce. I know that he feels that he feels it is the lesser of two evils. I guess, what he said was that we had been fighting our feelings for so long that he was willing to see where it went. I guess another problem with that comes when I am not in a position for it to go anywhere at this time. So, I don't really have a clear answer.

 

Why aren't you in a position for it to go anywhere at this time?

 

Do you want it to go somewhere (further than a long distance affair)?

[itsourchoice]

He also doesn't talk negatively behind her back, and he doesn't leave his daughter with her. That is why he is there. I never said I had all the answers. I am just trying to be as honest as possible.

 

As for me, I like things the way they are. I don't feel bad, I love our relationship, I think it fulfills us both. I am not a religious person, so I suppose that frees me up some. I think if he feels he is stuck, and he can give me what I need and I can also give him what he needs, why not? Her life is no different, he is happier. As for their daughter, she has no idea. I am not looking to break up a marriage. I was just curious why others would see it as such an ugly thing when from what I see, it isn't. You all told me what you thought. I appreciate it.

[mercy]

One who eats off of "others plates"

 

 

I'd smack the hand that tried!

[2sunny]

To be fair, I am not Catholic either and I don't know exactly what the rules are. I know they don't believe in divorce. I know that he feels that he feels it is the lesser of two evils. I guess, what he said was that we had been fighting our feelings for so long that he was willing to see where it went. I guess another problem with that comes when I am not in a position for it to go anywhere at this time. So, I don't really have a clear answer.

 

You know the basic rules of any organized religion. Thou shalt not covet another neighbors husband/wife. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

 

Marital vows - you got married... Don't you think their vows went something like this: "I promise to LOVE, HONOR and CHERISH YOU all the days of my life? So- he's not keeping his word with the agreement he made before HER, GOD and HIS family and friends! What's NOT to understand about that? Basic consideration, ya know?

 

YOU are only thinking selfishly - you aren't thinking of the woman being betrayed. She may be drunk - but YOU are the one helping to betray her.

 

She STOPS being betrayed IF you stop seeing him!!! YOU CAN CONTROL THAT!

[2sunny]

He also doesn't talk negatively behind her back, and he doesn't leave his daughter with her. That is why he is there. I never said I had all the answers. I am just trying to be as honest as possible.

 

As for me, I like things the way they are. I don't feel bad, I love our relationship, I think it fulfills us both. I am not a religious person, so I suppose that frees me up some. I think if he feels he is stuck, and he can give me what I need and I can also give him what he needs, why not? Her life is no different, he is happier. As for their daughter, she has no idea. I am not looking to break up a marriage. I was just curious why others would see it as such an ugly thing when from what I see, it isn't. You all told me what you thought. I appreciate it.

 

Hi.

 

I am having a difficult time even articulating what is happening with me. I am a single mother, with six kids, two of whom are grown. I work hard, I do it all on my own, no child support, etc. I am proud that I can take care of my family.

 

There is a man that I met 16 years ago. We were very close, but because of our circumstances we never did have sex, but the relationship was one of such emotional intimacy and friendship. We ended it back then because we both felt it was unfair to drag spouses, kids, etc. into a situation that we would later regret.

 

We would meet up again every few years. Still, never having been intimate. Every time having that attraction sexually but more than anything that spark of kinship, friendship, love. Every time we turned ourselves away from it.

 

Now, I am divorced and I have a good career, and his daughter is a little older, we are back to our old thing, this time having consummated the relationship. I don't know how I am feeling. I love him. I always have. He is my one, I feel. His wife is an alcoholic, who is passed out every night by six p.m. We live miles apart and only see one another occasionally. But we talk on the phone for hours every night, and text many times during the day. He feels he cannot leave his wife for a plethora of reasons, and I am in no position to have a full time relationship.

 

So, a couple of questions for anyone interested to reply. What is wrong with having someone that you see every few months for a few fabulous days together, have a wonderfully intimate relationship through phone calls, texts, emails, etc. and be happy? Why does it have to be so ugly?

 

He hasn't had intimate relations with his wife for twelve years. Like I said, she is an alcoholic, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care for her. I know he does. I know he feels an obligation to her. He is religious, which makes it more difficult. We talk often about the what if's... the wish it could have been's. We also realize our reality now. Things cannot change from the way they are, unless one of us ends it.

 

I just don't know how to feel. I am so emotionally attached and I know he is the same. I miss him all the time. He makes me feel happy, and he is just about the only person with whom I can discuss anything at all. I am sure many will be upset to hear that I have no guilt regarding my relationship. I feel we each give the other companionship, love, friendship, caring, sex, all of it. It is difficult to have nobody to talk with about my relationship, because it is a secret. That is so hard. He can't either. That is hard too. I almost wish I could pull back just a little, not completely, I do love him, but just a little. Give myself a moment to breathe. I just don't know how anymore. I know it would help me to focus on other things... I can't seem to.

 

Any advice?

 

Thank you so much.

 

You are the one who referred to it as ugly... Not others here first.

 

Since you seem to contradict yourself - you may want to delve into how you REALLY do feel about it - because you seem to be confusing your self.

 

If YOU think it's ugly - ok... If you don't - ok. But figure out how you really do feel - it helps!

[itsourchoice]

Very good point 2Sunny.

 

I really am just mulling things over. I really am happy with things. I do worry a little that he may want more later. I suppose when later comes I will deal with it. And yes, I am being selfish. I know the circumstances, and I feel fine about it. It makes me feel good. Makes me happier. I don't think I am being fed a line from him, but it is always possible. I don't know why he would bother when I am fine with things how they are. I am not asking for more.

[itsourchoice]

I don't think it's ugly. I think society as a whole sees it as such. That was my point.

[Emme]

He also doesn't talk negatively behind her back, and he doesn't leave his daughter with her. That is why he is there. I never said I had all the answers. I am just trying to be as honest as possible.

 

As for me, I like things the way they are. I don't feel bad, I love our relationship, I think it fulfills us both. I am not a religious person, so I suppose that frees me up some. I think if he feels he is stuck, and he can give me what I need and I can also give him what he needs, why not? Her life is no different, he is happier. As for their daughter, she has no idea. I am not looking to break up a marriage. I was just curious why others would see it as such an ugly thing when from what I see, it isn't. You all told me what you thought. I appreciate it.

 

 

It is seen as an ugly thing because it is not the norm. There are many couples who do play and their partners know and continue to live. From your first post you seemed like you wanted more to me. Since you now say that you are content then you can only live your life. Just be cautious of the choices you make.

[bentnotbroken]

To be fair, I am not Catholic either and I don't know exactly what the rules are. I know they don't believe in divorce. I know that he feels that he feels it is the lesser of two evils. I guess, what he said was that we had been fighting our feelings for so long that he was willing to see where it went. I guess another problem with that comes when I am not in a position for it to go anywhere at this time. So, I don't really have a clear answer.

 

 

Clearly he does not follow the church's doctrine.

[bentnotbroken]

I'd smack the hand that tried!

 

 

................

[NoIDidn't]

itsourchoice

 

I asked a question to a post you posted on the other page. You say you don't think you are in a position for things to go further. Is that your feeling because of his being Catholic and supposedly not believing in divorce, or do you get the feeling that he wants things to go further and you somehow don't feel its possible right now?

 

If an affair is possible, why isn't a full relationship possible for you at the moment?

[2sunny]

Don't you think it's terribly dishonorable that HE shares the intimate details of THEIR marriage OUTSIDE their relationship? To the point of someone else knowing (or thinking they know) when the last time they had sex?

 

How would YOU like it if SHE knew fine details about YOUR @ussy? How would you like that? Because that's essentially what he's capable of - telling info that he has NO BUSINESS sharing outside his marriage.

 

Believe me - he tells all about YOU to his friends - since he tells YOU details about his wife and their no existent sex life. You don't have a man of honor - you have a rat! A rat that will bit you in the @ss when you're not looking - just like he's doing to his wife.

[2sunny]

I don't think you will ever need to worry about him wanting more later.

 

:lmao:

 

He has everything he needs. As long as YOU don't ask for more - it's all good for him!

 

It's when the other woman (yes, that's you) starts demanding MORE decency from him that the men go running scared!!! THAT is when he won't be able to get rid of you fast enough!

 

You are his PERFECT OTHER WOMAN:

 

You are FAR AWAY - cant show up and embarrass him/expose him

You talk freely when he is available

You give him large ego strokes

You don't require much from him

He has YOU expecting very little frm HIM

You never intrude on his family time ( ya, try calling and chatting for hours early in the morning) or ask him to care for YOU after surgery

He gets you to willingly give him sex with no money paid ( even hookers get money)

And he's got you thinking he cares

 

 

IF he cared that much he would divorce her and marry YOU! But he isn't. And it's just perfect for him that YOU DON'T REQUIRE IT!

 

Married men LOVE other women such as you - it is simply a perfect set up!

[frozensprouts]

 

Religion... he is catholic. Active Catholic. Like, not a cafeteria Catholic... but a Catholic.

 

I think I got everything..

 

he's not a "catholic"...he's a hypocrite

 

it makes me sad to see that a man, whom you say is a "practicing catholic" will pick and choose which parts of their religion they choose to follow as it is convenient for them. he chooses to follow the "no divorce" area, but ignore the "no adultery" commandment with little problem.

 

based upon his actions, what do you feel his "care values" are? do you think they are strong, or are they just referred to when he needs an excuse not to do something that is difficult for him?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Don't you think it's terribly dishonorable that HE shares the intimate details of THEIR marriage OUTSIDE their relationship? To the point of someone else knowing (or thinking they know) when the last time they had sex?

 

How would YOU like it if SHE knew fine details about YOUR @ussy? How would you like that? Because that's essentially what he's capable of - telling info that he has NO BUSINESS sharing outside his marriage.

.

 

This offends me no end.

 

And if a person having an affair is as happy and fine with it as OP here claims to be - then why try to justify it with all the stuff (that's none of her business anyway) like, "they haven't had sex in 12 years," "she's a comatose drunk," etc. What difference does any of that make? Who cares?

[frozensprouts]

He also doesn't talk negatively behind her back, and he doesn't leave his daughter with her. That is why he is there. I never said I had all the answers. I am just trying to be as honest as possible.

 

As for me, I like things the way they are. I don't feel bad, I love our relationship, I think it fulfills us both. I am not a religious person, so I suppose that frees me up some. I think if he feels he is stuck, and he can give me what I need and I can also give him what he needs, why not? Her life is no different, he is happier. As for their daughter, she has no idea. I am not looking to break up a marriage. I was just curious why others would see it as such an ugly thing when from what I see, it isn't. You all told me what you thought. I appreciate it.

 

i thought you said that the times you have been with him were a few days when you could get together. who is looking after his daughter then?

[2sunny]

He chose you because you are special to him and a perfect match - your expectations are extremely low - that was his requirement.

[frozensprouts]

i have re read some of your posts, and it really does seem to me that you are not as happy with the situation as you would have it seem.

 

it seems like part of you feels guilty about the affair. are you able to suppress those feelings long enough to enjoy yourselves when you are together?

 

what is the net cost to yo of these 'wonderful times/phone calls/ whatever" that you have with this guy?

 

here is a scenario for you...( not saying this will really happen, it's just to provide food for thought)

lets say his wife figures out what's going on and calls you/shows up on your doorstep in tears because her husband had been cheating with you? How would you feel? what would you tell her? would you feel bad? would you care that the affair had hurt her?

 

i know that you don't think that her husband cheating is hurting her, but it probably is hurting her, and this is one of those situations where ( and I am not trying to be condescending when I say this) you don't know how it feels to be a spouse that's being cheated on unless you have been there yourself. Maybe she just suspects it, maybe she knows everything but becuase she is catholic too, she feels she can't get a divorce because she is "stuck"...

 

it really does seem as if you are somehow vacillating between trying to pretend his wife almost doesn't exist, feeling that what she doesn't know can't hurt her, and feeling that she somehow deserves his cheating because she is a frigid drunk

 

would his cheating with you be less acceptable to you if she was a wonderful wife, wanted sex five times a day, never touched a drop of alcohol?

 

i think, on some level, it bothers you much more than you are letting on

[woinlove]

As for lying about it... I don't lie about it. I don't have to. I don't see anyone who knows him and when we go on business trips, we get together. It is fun, relaxing and I love my time with him. I do love him.

 

Religion... he is catholic. Active Catholic. Like, not a cafeteria Catholic... but a Catholic.

 

I think I got everything..

 

It is difficult to have nobody to talk with about my relationship, because it is a secret. That is so hard. He can't either. That is hard too. I almost wish I could pull back just a little, not completely, I do love him, but just a little. Give myself a moment to breathe. I just don't know how anymore. I know it would help me to focus on other things... I can't seem to.

 

Any advice?

 

Originally you said keeping it a secret was hard and you wish you could pull back, were looking for advice. But now you say you like things the way they are, it's fun and you don't really lie or keep it a secret, just no one you know knows him anyway. What do you think is really going on? Do you like things they way they are now and feel you can be honest and open about your life or do you feel you are keeping it secret, finding it hard, and looking for advice?

Edited March 3, 2012 by woinlove

[itsourchoice]

Originally you said keeping it a secret was hard and you wish you could pull back, were looking for advice. But now you say you like things the way they are, it's fun and you don't really lie or keep it a secret, just no one you know knows him anyway. What do you think is really going on? Do you like things they way they are now and feel you can be honest and open about your life or do you feel you are keeping it secret, finding it hard, and looking for advice?

 

I do like things the way they are. It is difficult to not talk about my relationship because it is full of joy. I don't share out of respect for his family. I know you think I have distain for his wife, I don't. I do sometimes wonder about pulling back, but not for me, really. I am not the one with the other obligations. I have a job and kids, but I don't have a spouse. So, yeah.

 

I know you think there is all this underlying stuff. There really is not. I just wondered what everyone thought. You have reacted in exactly the way I suspect society feels. Not a big deal. And, I did sort of come here to find common people who were/had gone through it because it WOULD be nice to tell someone how happy I am, how enjoyable it is. So yeah...