Porn and divorce......another marriage disaster.

[Kathleen916]

Help.....I just recently got married back in January. My husband had some porn magazines around from before we met, etc. I told him these bothered me because our sex life is very active and I can't understand why he still needs to jack off behind my back. He denied it and said he didn't need those magazines - he only needed me. I said "If that's true then get rid of them". These were nasty magazines - not Playboy.

 

He threw them away - I saw them go out in the trash.

 

I told him that I wasn't demanding he didn't look at porn I just felt as newlyweds it was a matter of respect to me. If he needs to look at other women and jack off then something isn't right in our relationship. I'm willing to have sex anytime - anyway. I'm not shy with him.

 

The past five months of our marriage has been hell. He tries to intentionally make me jealous, he flirts with women at work and oogles other women in my presence. He kills my self esteem by telling me "You're body isn't THAT bad". He says demeaning and cruel things to me to make me feel insecure. I filed for divorce - I just can't be treated like that.

 

He got upset and has wanted to make our marriage work. He promised me he'd never cheat on me and has always told me "If you cheat on me I'll throw you out". Real reassuring words for me to hear.

 

I thought that was the end of it and he truly loved me and wanted to make our marriage work. Just yesterday I recently discovered brand new magazines stashed at the top of his closet. When I found them he got so upset and started begging and pleading with me to forgive him. He said he knew how I felt and was very sorry and that he loved me and didn't want to hurt me.

 

I never could trust him before and this just confirmed my gut feelings - he lies and needs to look at porn. Some of you might say it's nothing but for him to put forth effort to go to the store and buy High Society or Swank and a bottle of KY Jelly - something is wrong here. He needs to jerk off to porn despite the fact I am willing to have sex (jack him off myself) and do whatever he wants sexually.

 

It hurts me. He's intentionally needing to look at other women and come while jacking off. He knows this bothers me and makes me feel like I'm not good enough - but he does it anyway.

 

My 60 day waiting period has passed and I'm getting divorced tomorrow. I want a guy who respects me and my feelings. This has hurt me a great deal - especially because I've been more open sexually with him than I've ever been with anyone. We have sex alot but it's not enough.

 

I'm sick of him intentionally making me jealous - I feel he needs to feed his ego by constantly look at it or getting the attention of other women - be it in person or in magazines.

 

I'd rather be married to a man who can keep his hands on me instead of his dick. I'm just disgusted with him and turned off totally. I'd rather seek sex elsewhere and not be married.

 

Thanks for listening - I'm just venting here because I've been upset. Anyone understand how I feel? I hope I don't hear lectures from the single folks about how ok it is to look at porn - it's fine to say if your single but it's another story when your married and your spouse needs to fantasize and jerk off to other women.

 

I'm sad. Are there any real gentlemen left in this world who can respect women?

[drake7]

Eighty percent of men masturbate...

and the other twenty percent lie about it.

 

Kathleen916 I don't know your sexual history but the reason men masturbate has very little to do with the reasons you seem concerned about. You should consider that if he is masturbating then he isn't going to another woman for that satisfaction.

 

Your attitudes towards sex and masturbation in general seem quite aniquated. You say you are willing to do whatever your husband likes sexually, but I question that statement. Have you tried anal sex, three-somes or double penetration? These are only a few of the less unusual variations of human sexuality; your husband- or ex-husband, may have desires even more extreme that he felt the only way he could satisfy was with fantasy. Instead of a divorce you may have been better off spending the money on a good sex therapist or at the very least a marriage counsellor. Any normal man you meet is going to masturbate, and you'll either know he does or you won't.

[sarah436]

I'm really sorry you had to deal with such a selfish jerk. I too had my boyfriend get rid of all the porn in his house. Tapes, magazines etc. He said he had no use or them and I made it clear I would much prefer they be gone. Out of sight out of mind. It is different to be single. Once you are in a relationship I feel it is pretty disrespectuful to have naked women doing disgusting things in the house for the man who LOVES you to jack off too. Especially when you yourself are ready and willing.

 

 

This guy of your sounds like he has more problems that loving porn. It sounds to me that he is just a selfish bastard. Bad enought he gets new porn but lets try to make you jelous with REAL women. In case you didn't feel bad enough already. There are PLEANTY of guys out there who woukld love to treat you the way you deserve. Good for you for going through and getting that divorce. You did the right thing. Now he can sit around with his porn while you make a better life for yourself.

[faux]

Porn was not, and is not the problem in your relationship at all. Porn is not even anywhere near what the problem in your relationship is all about. I believe the culprit at work here is.... Your severe insecurities and distrust for your partner.

 

This, however:

 

The past five months of our marriage has been hell. He tries to intentionally make me jealous, he flirts with women at work and oogles other women in my presence. He kills my self esteem by telling me "You're body isn't THAT bad". He says demeaning and cruel things to me to make me feel insecure. I filed for divorce - I just can't be treated like that.

 

I can completely understand. That is outright disrespectful. Of course, I cannot completely say this as there are not enough details for me to really say to myself, "Without a doubt, this is what is happening." You have every right to demand that he stop this, and you do not have to put up with such behavior. What I quoted above is the problem, providing that certain other details do not apply.

 

If your partner feels that you constantly complain about your body, a response such as "You are not that bad" is fairly typical. When one has to face his SO's insecurities, one often gives up after a while trying to make her feel better about her outward appearance. Additionally, you may see something as flirting, or assume he is flirting and being disrespectful, when in fact he is not.

 

There is nothing wrong in appreciating the beauty of others, even if you have your wife right there.

 

No one can do anything to MAKE you insecure. I believe you simply are, well, very insecure. In as so far as you are treating pornography as a topic, I see an overwhelming amount of insecurity here. I do not mean to play Devil's advocate, but it may be possible that your SO does NOT flirt with other women, is fed up with your inability to trust him and your grave insecurity issues. Insecurity can often lead to misinterpretations of situations. The way in which you chose to phrase things leads me to believe this may be the case here.

 

People masturbate and it is perfectly natural. Looking at porn and fantasizing about things is perfectly natural. It is wrong to demand that your partner never look at porn again, or throw it all away. It is right to inform your partner that you may be somehow offended, and to ask that he or she keep it more private. However, when he attempted to do this, what did you do? Yes... You went looking for his porn, and breached his privacy. You looked, and you found it. Had you not looked you would not have found it. I'm quite sure your partner feels you were snooping around in his private life.

 

Porn and masturbation are generally viewed by an individual to be extremely private things — things which no one else has a right to be involved in. Looking at porn is not wrong. I see absolutely nothing from your post to say that looking at porn has ruined your relationship. You did not say that he views it excessively, to the point where a medical professional says he has an addiction. You did not say that he has cabinets full of videos. One or two magazines you mentioned, which is perfectly natural. One or two videos is also perfectly natural.

 

You did not say that he is far more interested in masturbating to porn than spending any time with you, or providing you with emotional support. However, I can tell you that if you keep up your behavior you are going to ruin the relationship rather quickly. As far as the porn goes — It is not the problem, at all.

 

Seeing as you have already filed for divorce, it seems this should be a learning experience. In future relationships, tackle the actual problems at hand rather than blaming your SO for everything. I'm certain there is some amount of truth to the behavior you described, but from experience I think there is far more going on.

[Pyrannaste]

Hi kathleen,

I think you did a HUGE mistake waiting to be wed to ask your SO to get rid of porn magazines.

 

IMO it is perfectly okay if some women think porn can be okay before wedding, and not acceptable after getting married.

I reckon I will myself ask my SO to limit his use of porn if we ever get married.

But this is something that you should have discussed *before* marriage, not *after*.

If someone has issues with 'porn in the marriage', or *anything else that was okay before walking down the isle and it is not when you have a wedding ring on your finger*, it's fine; but it would be just and fair to discuss them *before* marriage.

Otherwise they would come as totally out of the blue for the partner.

No wonder if your husband was hurt when you told him out of the blue 'now that we are married, get rid of that stuff.

He should have had the chance to know this before marriage, so he could have decided whether to marry you if this meant not having the permission to ever look at a porn pic again.

 

Said that, some of your husband's behaviour was extremely rude. I think flirting and blatantly oogling other women is not acceptable. A few women might be okay with it, the majority of women certainly are not.

 

Sentences such as "You're body isn't THAT bad" can be either nice compliments (my bf told it to me a few times in what I'd call a loving way) or huge blows to your self esteem. According on when/how they are used.

Even if your husband was just joking (it is possible he was just joking about your lack of self esteem, trying to make you understand he likes your body) he should have realized you were hurt by the comment, and made himself a note to make more sensitive comments in the future.

If he was saying that to intentionally make you feel bad, what a jerk! Even if he said that to retaliate for the porn problem, still a jerk.

Did you ever cosider letting him playfully know that 'hey, your penis is not THAT small", or that "hey, you are not THAT bad a lover". The way he'd react would show quite a lot about him. Whether he meant to just joke or not when telling that stuff to you.

 

Was he ever like that before you got married?

 

Also,

 

He's intentionally needing to look at other women and come while jacking off.

 

don't you see a contradiction here?

 

I don't think that his hiding porn stuff was-not even remotely- related to making you feel jealous/hurting you.

If this can make you feel any better, most men look at porn.

 

If the porn problem is really worth a divorce to you, you think it was unforgivable to lie about the porn and get caught hiding stuff, and you are positive you don't want to share your life with this man, go for it.

You seem to have made up your mind already.

 

But allow me to point to you that his need to look at porn had NOTHING to do with his feelings for you, and that he did not buy and hid those magazines only to piss you off.

[LadyAnglerTx]

I have to disagree with some of these replies to Kathleen. I see where she's coming from. If her husband would put all the energy he uses jacking off to porn into pleasing her more sexually then maybe she wouldn't be feeling the way she does.

 

 

Many women dump their boyfriends and husbands over their porn usage. Men don't get it. Occassional porn usage is fine but if it's an addiction it's a problem.

 

I know several guys who's wives left them for other men because of this.

 

I enjoy masturbation too but I'd trade it any day for the real thing. If your single I think you should jack off as much as you want - nobody cares. If you're in a committed relationship then you need to turn to your lover/partner for sexual gratification. When men can't please women and women up and leave - they can't never seem to understand why.

 

This is why - Kathleen is willing to please her husband anyway he wants - something alot of men would kill for. Yet instead of him turning to her he's turning to his porno mags. No wonder she's so unhappy - I have to side with her on this.

 

She should leave him and find a man who prefers to put all his energy into getting her off instead of himself. He sounds selfish and like he'll never change.

 

Kathleen - tell your husband you're outta there. Now if he's gonna cheat all he has to do is switch hands! Good luck - find a decent man - they're out there just dying to meet a woman like you!

[dyermaker]

I have to disagree with some of these replies to Kathleen. I see where she's coming from. If her husband would put all the energy he uses jacking off to porn into pleasing her more sexually then maybe she wouldn't be feeling the way she does.

Porn isn't the issue in this relationship, I doubt it's even a problem. The problem is a difference of perception, and the inability to reconcile that difference through communication. It seems that neither women nor men in the "porn dillemma" are taking their marriage vows seriously.

Many women dump their boyfriends and husbands over their porn usage. Men don't get it. Occassional porn usage is fine but if it's an addiction it's a problem.

This is precisely what I'm talking about. Not that you're qualified to diagnose addiciton--but let's give that the benefit of the doubt. Let's say this man has a porn addiction. An addiction is a sickness. What kind of wife would you be if you just "dump" your husband because he has a sickness?

 

Um.... In sickness and in health? For better or for worse?

 

Shame on Kathleen, and men and women like her--especially when they play the victim card.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by faux

Porn was not, and is not the problem in your relationship at all. Porn is not even anywhere near what the problem in your relationship is all about.

 

 

Originally posted by dyermaker

 

Porn isn't the issue in this relationship, I doubt it's even a problem.

 

 

If Kathleen says porn is a problem in her marriage, then it IS! Wow, I can't believe you guys can decide that porn is not a problem in someone else's marriage. Maybe it's not a problem in your life, but it is in hers. Cripes.

 

All these women who have problems with this are NOT wrong. Just because you get off on porn doesn't mean it's healthy or that it has a place in a marriage unless both parties want it.

[LadyAnglerTx]

Well Dyermaker the debate on porn here isn't the issue but it is obviously a big part of the problem - I think it's the fact her husband wasn't taking his vows seriously either or he'd be less selfish and more concerned about her feelings.

 

I asked several of my married men friends about porn. One said he got over porn shortly after his teenage years and said that it sounds like a lack of maturity on the husband's part (Kathleen stated the guy is 46). Another said his wife didn't like him keeping porn in the house either and he respected his wife's feelings because he preferred his wife over porn and really didn't need to look at porn other than out of boredom.

 

So, there are husbands out there who do respect their wives and understand how looking at porn makes their wives feel. They are the ones in successful marriages - not guys like Kathleen's husband!

 

So, I think it can be debated in so many ways - how bad does a guy really need porn and is it worth causing problems in a marriage? Sounds like an ego thing.

 

Kathleen is trying to say that her husband told her he didn't need porn - he was happy with her and he first respected her wishes to get rid of his magazines - then he secretly went out and got another stash to jack off to. They talked about this but he did what he wanted anyway. And when he got caught he was apologetic and begged forgiveness which shows he knew this would hurt her......

 

Helloooooooo........the guy ain't holding up his marriage vows to seriously either - these people are newlyweds and he's still having to fantasize about other women to get off? The problem lies with the husband - he's still living like a bachelor.

[JellyBeans]

Well said FreeMe - well said!

 

Kathleen I know how you feel - I divorced my ex because I walked in on him yanking his sausage to internet porn. He just looked so darn stupid sitting in front of the computer with his hand going 80 mph.

 

I'm a beautiful woman who never said no to my husband - yet I couldn't figure out why sex was just so unsatisfying with him. I was left frustrated many times because while I wanted to have hot passionate sex all he did was hump like a rabbit and fall over.

 

And he wondered why I left him for another man.........

 

He's probably still single and lonely - sitting at his computer every evening jacking off to porn.

 

What a sad existence!

 

Meanwhile I've found a new guy who treats me like a queen!

 

Leave your lousy husband and find someone else - let him have his porn mags - it's obvious he'll never get it and put forth effort into sustaining a meaningful marriage or relationship!

 

Porn is the problem my dear - you're right on target.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by FreeMe

If Kathleen says porn is a problem in her marriage, then it IS!

No, not even close. People blame things for their real problems all of the time, usually so that they don't have to take responsibility for things.

[DreamPink]

Im with you FreeMe and Kathleen.........if kathleen or any woman for that matter has a problem with her SO looking at porn and he continues to do so after promising to sustain from it, then that is a HUGEEEE problem. I divorced from a 12 year relationship after finding out that he was at a stip club on 2 separate occasions (of course Im sure there were other times that I couldnt prove). After the first time, he professed his love for me and PROMISED that it would NEVER happen again!!!! Then 2 months later it did happen again and he was out the door!!!

 

I will also say that I was always a ready and willing partner, without any sexual inhabitions and willing to try most anything.

 

It is my opinion that there are many women that dont have a problem with porn and also many women that will "put up with it", but it just so happens that me, along with other women, that absolutely will not. If a man is with a woman that feels as strongly as I do about the subject but is so driven to porn that he cant give it up, whether it be a once a day or a once a month need, then he needs to be true to himself and his partner and find someone that will except this behavior!!! It is also my opinion that if a man needs another women (whether that be strip clubs, magazines, or video) then he is going outside the relationship to get his sexual fulfillment from other women and I dont think thats exceptable.

[dyermaker]

I wonder if marriage vows have fallen by the way of the pledge of allegiance, and group prayer.

 

When you take them, do you actually listen to what the guy is saying before saying, "I do" ?

 

Or are you just trying not to make a scene in front of your friends and family.

[Bubbles]

O.K. it's bubbles..........Kathleen916 hand over that baseball bat........I'm up!

 

What in the hell is everyone doing here? We DO NOT need to jump all over this poor woman. We need to listen to her emotional needs.

 

If you have not personally experienced this......... you ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO MAKE A JUDGMENT CALL! In a sence, if you have formed an opinion and not gone through this personally or know what it is like to be in a relationship and be completely alone at the same time; again.....you are not qualified to make a judgement call.

 

There is one thing that I have learned over my lifetime........never, never opinionate on something that you have absolultly no life experience about. You, only end up looking stupid and opinionated.

 

Kathleen916, Good going girl! You keep looking for your rainbow. Yes, there are plenty of men out there who have "learned their lesson" and know (only through experience) that pornography and relationship DO NOT GO TOGETHER!

 

90% of all women DISPISE pornography. I' ll be one of the first ones to stand up and shout "Enough!!!!"

 

I was involved with a man who "justified" his actions by saying that he was feeling randy only after I had gone to sleep or was feeling randy first thing in the morning and felt that he would be acting selfishly by waking me up at either points of the day. That was B.S. Through searching the computer's history (after many years of being tolerant) I found that his flavour for pornogrphy had grown and grown to the point where I was ready to call the police.

 

My point you ask?

 

If a woman does not speak up for herself then she is being tolerant to an addiction and hurting her self esteem, morals, values and dignities.

 

On the other hand as far as anyone on the Pro-pornography side of things, by speaking up for herself she is acting like a bitch and she should just leave the guy alone because EVERYONE looks and usues porn right? and HE is not doing anything wrong!

 

This discussion can go on forever.........hence the question........What came first the chicken or the egg?

 

If pornography is good for you - then fine! Use it! Enjoy it! Go nuts!

 

If pornography is not good for you - then fine also! It does'nt have to be.

 

I beleive that many a soldier died so we could live in Liberated countries, Canada and the USA. I have my opinion and you have yours.......Don't put me down for having my own opinion.

 

Or like Mom always used to say........If you don't have anything good to say then don't say it!

 

Just MY opinion,

 

 

Kathleen916 YOU ROCK!

 

Bubbles

[Kathleen916]

Thank God for other women like Bubbles....... well said!

 

Some people on here think I didn't take my marriage vows seriously - trust me, I wanted that marriage to be forever. I had discussed the porn issue with my husband BEFORE we got married and he promised me he'd never do anything again that hurt my feelings or made me uncomfortable.

 

It's funny because the day I found his latest stash of porn I called him at work and told him I'd found it. His voice started quivering and he was so upset because he knew..... He started saying "Please forgive me, I love you, I'm so sorry I know how you feel....".

 

Come on - the guy knew what he was doing and how it bothered me. What a slap in the face to go thru all that effort to go to a store and purchase those magazines and a new bottle of KY Jelly - some respect for your wife eh? And during our marriage I was told many times that if I ever cheated on him in anyway I'd be kicked out of his house.

 

Warning: When a man is so worried about you cheating on him and threatens you continually that if you ever cheat you're gonna be on the street - take a close look, he's usually doing something himself.

 

I went into my marriage trusting him and hoping for love and respect. Isn't that part of the marriage vows? Does that only apply to the woman and the men can get away with doing whatever the hell they want and the woman should remain faithful and just "put up with it"? DON'T THINK SO!

 

I'm glad there are other women who feel the same way I do - it's obvious we're the smart ones who refuse to put up with this crap. We're intelligent, confident women who know what we won't tolerate and refuse to "settle" for losers who can't stop boppin' their baloney to porn. These guys will end up alone while we move on to longer lasting healthier relationships.

 

Bubbles I love ya - thanks for posting.

[sega]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.I have been there and am here today.I found "fitness" magazines in my husband's pick-up 2 weeks after we were married.I doubt they have any more provocative things in "porn" mags than what was in these.I confronted him.(He knew that my first husband had a serious problem with this.But,he went CRAZY!!! Blamed me,said I shouldn't have been snooping,that he was working on a fitness plan,etc.I was devastated at the thought of ANOTHER mistake on my part.I,too,was willing to do ANYTHING(except the threesome---he's never even hinted at anything like that) and we were having regular,what,I thought was GREAT sex.But over the 6 years we've been married,I have learned this...this type of man cannot emotionally commit...they keep that part of themselves to themselves.As far as I know,my husband doesn't keep the magazines.I am sure they have them at work.But I have discovered he has an "issue" with young girls and I have learned that they take those images of these "hotties" into their little private world.That is why they want to be alone to masturbate.By the way,he never lost a pound,still 100 pounds overweight.He's just flat out to lazy to have a sex life that involves a real person.It is so much easier for him to do it his way.He was 30 when we married,had never been married,and had his routine in place.I admire that you aren't putting up with it.I am so afraid of another failure.But yet it has already failed.Take care.

[Chicago Gent]

Alright, it seems to me that this lady has hang ups. Looking at pictures of maked people getting busy is not wrong. Variety is it. Magazines are not cheating. I look at women all day long, just about all that I see, and I always think about what it is like to be in bed with them. So I get off to pictures. I don't care how much someone loves their spouse. If you are 60 and have a chance to take a peak and a fresh 20 something hottie, man or woman - your choice, then you are going to look.

[BlueLP]

Originally posted by Bubbles

What in the hell is everyone doing here? We DO NOT need to jump all over this poor woman. We need to listen to her emotional needs.

 

True, true...this forum is for supporting and helping people. Anything that veers toward a personal attack is uncalled for, and some of these posts seems a little excessive. However, I worry that we tend to give people advice based solely on the one side of the situation that we hear. That might not always be the best for someone...the best friends are the ones who tell it like it is. I think some of the posters here are trying to accept that the situation is likely to be more complicated, with issues on both sides...and they recognize that it is simple-minded and convenient to blame the entire thing on porn and on this guy....the guy's a jerk, porn is a problem for these two....but porn isn't the only problem, and don't crucify the messengers! As a person in a relationship, you are in control of your own actions and your own levels of confidence & self-esteem. You and no one else. You shouldn't blame that on other factors. If my SO treats me like a prince or treats me like sh*t, it does not change the valuable, kind and honest person I am. My self-esteem shouldn't be so tied up in others than they can do something like this to me. In reality, it reflects badly on them, causes problems for us, and is going to caus me to end things. Any types of insecurity due to their behavior I are my own issues to work out.

 

I think there are a lot of women in similar types of situations to this one who legitimately have emotional needs we can help, but I think it is naive to always take the poster's side completely and buy into their presentation of the events and situation. It's just too convenient that all the problems lie on one side of the relationship in these posts....yes, maybe it is true in this woman's post, but it seems to me that a large portion of these posts appear this way, when in reality relationship problems are often on both sides. Posters simply telling this person that she is a martyr are different from posts supporting her but attempting to encourage her to find her own strength and deal with her own insecurities. Again, the presentations we have here are the best we have to go on, but we know by human nature that problems are complicated and that we all tend to see them biased a bit in our own direction.

 

If you have not personally experienced this......... you ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO MAKE A JUDGMENT CALL! In a sence, if you have formed an opinion and not gone through this personally or know what it is like to be in a relationship and be completely alone at the same time; again.....you are not qualified to make a judgement call.

 

There is one thing that I have learned over my lifetime........never, never opinionate on something that you have absolultly no life experience about. You, only end up looking stupid and opinionated.

 

I'm sorry...I know this is an emotional topic, but how can you tell everyone this? There are so many possible types of life experiences out there that if you lived by this rule we would never learn anything about. What's to say that having an experience necessarily qualifies you anyway? You might have gone through it entirely the wrong way, or picked up the wrong lessons. Humans beings have empathy for a reason, we are social creaturs with the ability to put ourselves in others situations and to give our opinions. We learn from each other without necessarily having gone through experiences. We gain wisdom and understanding about matters outside of our experience, that's what we do!

 

If someone posts up here asking whether or not they should handle a poisonous snake (not a far cry from this situation by the way), people shouldn't be kept from making judgment calls because they never have handled a poisonous snake! More closely to this situation, every relationship is unique, I'm sure there are factors in this lady's relationship that none of us have ever gone through. No one else has endured the unique combination of factors that she is going through. Does that disqualify us from having sensible opinions and helping her make judgment of the situation? No way, I'd say.

 

On the other hand as far as anyone on the Pro-pornography side of things, by speaking up for herself she is acting like a bitch and she should just leave the guy alone because EVERYONE looks and usues porn right? and HE is not doing anything wrong!

 

It doesn't seem like you give the other side the same amount of respect as you demand from it. A number of people on here have labeled porn bad with a blanket statement. No, she shouldn't leave the guy alone if she isn't comfortable with it. As a couple, that is their unique persepective to work out. But she should be aware that there are different views on porn out there, and that not everyone agrees on one side or the other. Just like any good debate.

 

This discussion can go on forever

 

Yes And I think it will Man, I think this topic pops up nearly every day now.

 

If pornography is good for you - then fine! Use it! Enjoy it! Go nuts!

 

If pornography is not good for you - then fine also! It does'nt have to be.

 

Thank you, this is very sensible. I totally agree. Also, I would add...let's not blame porn for more complicated relationship problems, and let's not pretend that porn doesn't cause any problems.

 

Phew. Alright, who's turn is it now on this thread?

[moimeme]

I'm glad there are other women who feel the same way I do - it's obvious we're the smart ones who refuse to put up with this crap. We're intelligent, confident women who know what we won't tolerate and refuse to "settle" for losers who can't stop boppin' their baloney to porn. These guys will end up alone while we move on to longer lasting healthier relationships.

 

Oh. Hey. Woah. Ho. Hang on just one second.

 

There has long been a huge dichotomy in opinions on LS about porn. This about the thirtieth thread on the subject and it always is the same. You have one side that says porn (NOT addiction, but occasional usage) is fine. Some of these people also think male masturbation is hot stuff.

 

Then there is the other side, where porn is bad and wrong, masturbation is a crime, and men must only look at their wives.

 

Ne'er the twain shall meet.

 

I only hope that every single woman reading these threads, if you are married or not, if you have yet to have the conversation with the man in your life, will make a note RIGHT NOW to discuss porn with your man. If you find that you have wildly differing views, then break up immediately.

 

Every now and then, a woman will realize that going nutsoid over her man masturbating to porn is a foolish thing to do and they'll end up both much happier. However, that has only happened about three or four times that anyone admitted on LS, so don't hold out hope.

 

For the record, I am one of the women who sees absolutely nothing wrong with a fellow using porn from time to time if he's horny and you're not available and he just wants to get rid of the urge. I also think male masturbation is hot, amazing, wonderful to watch and to assist, and would be sad to have a fellow in my life who would feel he could or should not do it. I'm not in the least bit threatened by a man having some fun on his own. It would bug me if it left him uninterested or unwilling to then have sex with me but other than that, I think it's fine.

 

As for the rest of it, Dyer is right and BlueLP added a bunch of good points. If two people can break up over something like this, then there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship in the first place. So go have the conversation tomorrow and save yourself a doomed marriage.

[Suzy]

Hello...

I am hoping someone will come back to this conversation, it now being June 22.

 

My husband, of 17 years, has been, in my opinion, addicted to internet porn for 4 or 5 years. In the beginning, i did complain, but not so much, thinking that it might make him a more intimate and "creative" lover. Unfortunately, it has turned him into a piece of cardboard cut-out in bed.

 

He asked me "how come we only have sex when YOU initiate it??!!" I said "cuz when I want it, I let you know, by kissing you here or there, by stroking your back/neck/thighs/butt/whatever intimately, by shooting you steamy looks, etc" and then I asked him "What do YOU do when you want it?"

 

He had no reply. Total silence.

 

He does nothing. Sometimes he will roll onto his back and put his arms up behind his neck. And then just lays there.

 

O-kayyyyyyy. How fun.

 

He complains if I initiate, yet he doesn't. When we DO have sex, he totally disrespects me..... in various ways, both sexually and physically, mostly physically.

 

He spends 2 - 3, sometimes even 4, hours at a time looking at porn on the internet. I do not believe he has a "cyber-lover" and I am quite sure that he very rarely jacks off after viewing. (He told me years ago that that was MY job.)

 

I love to experiment, I love to do it anywhere, anytime. I have been called, many times, an exhibitionist. I know it is not me.

 

I don't mind a little porn. In fact, I have always thought that men should take their SO with them to strip clubs and bachelor parties.... the women would be able to see what pleases their mate, and would replicate the behavior at home (or in the women's bathroom, if they can't wait at that point!).

 

I just don't understand. I am married to a cardboard cut-out photo of my husband.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Suzy

[SkiBum5]

I think the guy was neglecting Kathleen's needs - emotionally and physically. Who can blame her for ditching him when she wasn't getting anything out of the relationship. Someone said what I think is true - the guy is withholding emotionally. Women need that emotional connection to a man.

 

For some reason men seem to think they can continually lust after anything that spreads their legs and their woman should just accept it. If a man can't control himself and respect his wife he ain't worth having as a husband. That's what marriage is all about - otherwise these guys should remain single.

 

I commend Kathleen for not putting up with it and moving on down the road!

[PHILLisIN]

Is Internet Porn Cheating?

 

Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? Here's what Dr. Phil believes:

It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.

 

 

Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.

 

 

You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship.

 

 

Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.

 

 

Ask yourself or your partner:

 

 

 

Would you do it with your partner standing right there?

 

 

Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.

 

 

Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the Internet"?

 

 

Does it intrude on your relationship?

 

 

Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?

[Olivia_19742004]

I think pornography becomes a serious issue when it affects the relationship that you have with your husband or wife. I've stated in another thread that I'm separating from my husband because of his addiction (or so-called addiction) to porn for the four years we've been together. I have never had an issue with viewing pornography and I have a natural understanding of ones right to personal satisfaction and incorporating masturbation as a healthy part of ones life. However, when the pornography replaces the sexual intimacy that one has with their husband or wife then the presence of the pornography has become a problem. When the presence of pornography affects the way in which one person responds or treats another person I think it becomes an issue.

 

Everything in life has a balance. Even pornography.