Why does he want to date other people?

[Cupcake]

The History:

My boyfriend of 1 year and I have been in an LDR for 10 months. Going into the LDR, we discussed the important things that would make the relationship work. (Communication, Trust, and Honesty) We knew that it would be about three years before either of us could relocate. We live 13 hours away from each other. We've gone through a variety of ups and downs. Mainly the downs consisted of me not being sure about his intentions with other women and our relationship.

 

Overall, I enjoy the time I spend with him. Up until the last 2 months, he and I used to see each other at least once a month. Sometimes more. We did a variety of things to stay connected while we were apart. I am 24 years old. I have two years left of college. I have a decent job and an apartment in the city where I live. He is 29 years old. He has a college degree and a successful career. He rents a room in a huge house with 3 other male roomates. He has no intentions to ever move out unless he gets married. Then he says he will buy a house.

 

In the last two months, our communication slowed down drasticly. He never responds to my emails. He doesn't call me half as much as he used to. When I call him, sometimes at 10:30pm, he's too tired to talk. Our 1 and 2 hour conversations every day are down to 20 or 30 minutes once or twice a week. Until this past weekend, we hadn't seen each other in two months. He flew down to see me this past Saturday morning.

 

The Story:

Before he came down, I discovered from one of his roomates that my boyfriend had been getting a lot of phone calls from another female. He and I are both on the same cell phone plan, so I went online and checked his cellphone activity to see who else he's been talking to. I noticed a number that appeard several times. He would talk to this person, 5 or 6 times a day, usually from a few minutes to 3 hours per call. "Every single day." He even talks to this person at 1am and 2am in the morning. Discretely, I called the number, and got the answering machine of a female. She sounded really nice. I didn't leave a message. The area code for her number is in a city about 1 hour away from where my boyfriend lives.

 

While my boyfriend was visiting me this past weekend, he confessed that he has one female friend whom he's been talking to regularly. He got her number about a month ago from a male friend of his. The two of them have never seen each other in person. They simply enjoy talking with each other over the phone. He is certain that the two of them will meet eventually. My boyfriend insist that he will also have other woman in his life to date and hang out with to occupy his time while he and I are apart. He labeled them as "Seregate Me's." He assured me that he isn't having sex with any of those women. For him, spending time and money on other women is better than just sitting around missing me.

 

My boyfriend asked me to move to the city where he lives in order to stop him from "needing" to date other women. Since he's already established, and he has a young child who lives in that area, he thinks it's more realistic for me to make the sacrifice. He used to always be concerned about me dating other men, saying that I was too young to really know what I wanted. After having done a variety of checking up on me, I'm sure by now he's convinced that he really is the only man in my life. I don't have any children. My education is the only thing holding me to the city where I currently reside. And I have agreed to move to where my boyfriend lives after I'm finished with school. I love him so much. I miss him a lot when we're apart. I'm willing to wait for him. But I don't feel like he's waiting for me. This whole LDR was all his idea in the first place. I wanted to break up with him when he moved back to be closer to his young child last summer. But he insisted that our love would hold us together.

 

Surprisingly, over the weekend, my boyfriend encouraged me to date other people the same as he is. He used to be totally against this idea. Now, I don't know if his new female friend has fianally given him a reason to want to do it. But he demanded me to save intimacy only for him.

 

This is hard for me to understand. I dated a variety of men before I met my boyfriend. I feel it's a waste of time and money for me to date someone else just to keep me from missing him. He is the only man I want. And I know that if I do find someone else to to occupy my time spent away from him, my feelings for that person may interfere with my feelings for my boyfriend. It would also be unfair for me to allow another person to become attatched to me, when I've promised my heart to my boyfriend. Before my boyfriend and I started communicating less, I felt fulfilled and happy with everything. My job, school, our relationship, everything was enough for me.

 

I usually date older men because I expect them to be more settled with what they want out of life. When I met my boyfriend, he told me about his promiscuous past with a variety of women in his life. He said that he was tired of jumping from woman to woman and he was ready to settle down and start a family. I felt the same way. That's ultimately what brought us together. He told me that he want's to marry me someday. He stresses the marriage issue a lot more than I do. Even this past weekend, he and I drove through some neighborhoods and fanticized about the type of house we'd like to live in after we're married. (But we're not engaged yet!)

 

The Point For This Thread:

If I truly am the woman of his dreams, is it okay for him to have someone in his life to "replace" me while we're apart? It seems that he is now spending more time with this new female over the phone than he does with me. And I am the one who needs to at least talk to him over the phone. His reason for us not communicating as often as we used to is that we know each other so well, he and I don't really have much to talk about. He assures me that it's not a sign that he loves me any less than before. In fact, he says he loves me more and more every day. I just don't know if he's trying to manipulate me into moving closer to him. Or if this is standard for an LDR. I would like someone who's in love or in a successful LDR to tell me if this situation is good or bad. He's too mature to be stringing me along. I also don't see what good strining me along will do him.

[swtbonita]

As I see it your bf is already having an emotional affair with this girl.. I don't see why you would be fine with the idea of your bf sharing personal things about him to another girl.

 

Long Distance Relationships are relationships where people have to deal with being apart, not replace their gf with other girls. What if you guys saw each other 2 -3 times a week would he also be able to replace you on the other days that he doesn't see you.. NO.. Its not an option. It's disrespectful..

 

If he can't handle long distance relationships he shouldn't be in one.

[DerangedAngel]

Long Distance Relationships are relationships where people have to deal with being apart, not replace their gf with other girls. What if you guys saw each other 2 -3 times a week would he also be able to replace you on the other days that he doesn't see you.. NO.. Its not an option. It's disrespectful..

 

If he can't handle long distance relationships he shouldn't be in one.

 

I agree with swtbonita, here.

 

To answer this question:

 

If I truly am the woman of his dreams, is it okay for him to have someone in his life to "replace" me while we're apart?

 

Only if it is okay with you. If you're asking if it would be okay with any of us in the same situation, then my answer would be: hell no.

 

Good luck to you.

 

-Deranged

[clia]

If I truly am the woman of his dreams, is it okay for him to have someone in his life to "replace" me while we're apart?

 

I don't believe you are the woman of his dreams if he is looking for someone else to "replace" you. It's very suspicious that he spends so much time on the phone with this other woman...when he could be talking to you, his girlfriend.

 

His reason for us not communicating as often as we used to is that we know each other so well, he and I don't really have much to talk about.

 

Riiiiight. How will you ever spend the rest of your lives together if you already don't have much to talk about?

 

I just don't know if he's trying to manipulate me into moving closer to him.

 

It sounds as though he does love you, but he is tired of the LDR. He's given you clear warning tha the wants to date others if you do not move to him. Sounds like an ultimatum to me. If you are that much in love and committed, etc...you don't want to date other people.

 

I also don't see what good strining me along will do him.

 

Maybe he's trying to pull away slowly. Even the maturest of men do it.

[Unlucky In Love]

I have never been in a long distance relationship; however, I dated a man who has been in several. The reason this man did LDRs is that he couldn't make a committment to one woman. He had several female friends in his city that his long distance girlfriend only heard about, but never met.

 

Your boyfriend isn't ready to settle down. He's talking to other people and you should be to. Don't blame yourself for getting your education honey. You schooling will serve you a lot longer than Mr. Uncommitted.

 

Moving to his city won't help the relationship now. Some men want to settle down and some don't. Your's doesn't. You can continue on in an open relationship until he makes up his mind.

 

It sounds like he's ready to move on to someone else. Be prepared for the break up.

 

Why don't you try meeting someone online who lives in your town?

[Cupcake]

I tried breaking up with him several times due to the fact that he has some strange desire to have other women constantly clinging to him. He demands that I trust him. He says I'm insecure. After he left over the weekend, we decided to lighten things up a little. Not break up. Just basicly remain friends and date other people exclusively. It feels the way things were when he and I first met.

 

Now, he just wants me to "hang in there" until I move to be with him. He feels confident that he can just have a good time with as many females as he wants until he and I are physically togther, without getting serious feelings for any of them. And he expects me to do the same with other men.

 

I just wanted to know if anyone thinks this is a good way to handle things. I don't know......it's just harder for me to grasp because I literally have no one else in my life whom I'm interested in even chatting with on the phone. And I spent the last year weeding out all the ex-boyfriends and guys who used to call me, since my current boyfriend was insecure about them. He wanted to be the only man I turned to. I gave him that satisfaction, and now I feel all alone. Alone because he has someone else to "substitue" for me. He doesn't even want to miss me. But he wants me to hope, and believe that he and I will eventually be together, forever. The more I hope and believe this way, the harder it becomes for me to get involved with anyone else. I'm tottally against this. I just don't understand how he can do it. I'm willing to end the relationship now. But before I do that, I just wanted to know if I should be more open minded about his request.

[4getful]

he's not really in love with you.Or maybe he was, but you have to face the fact that he wants to date other women now. A LDR is only good if a person is really, and I mean totally in love with you. If he is a man who would do anything, fight any and all temptation that might come in his way.One is only afraid of his own shadow, he used to fear that he will lose you if youi dated other men. But how come he is encouraging you to date other men. I dont want to give you any cause to be paranoid, but it would be best for the both of you if you talked about it seriously.

[Debster]

I can't believe you are even questioning the fact that he is giving you a pile of crap.

 

Do you really think it's ok for the guy who says he loves you to date other people?

Do you really think he is not being intimate with them?

Are you really even considering moving to be with him now that you know he is dating other people?

[Cupcake]

No I'm not still considering moving to be with him after all this. I've already communicated all of my concerns with him that I've expressed in this post. He feels that I'm being closed minded about the whole thing. He said it's the only way an LDR can work. He thinks it's custom for the two people involved to date other people.

[Unlucky In Love]

I think you should reach out to other friends. I know how it is to put all of your emotional eggs and feelings into one basket. When the relationship's not working, you still want to hold on to it.

 

I think you all are better off as friends. You can still have his support while you are making new friends of both genders.

 

I think moving in together would be a disaster. I've been there and I've done that. I wouldn't move for a man unless he put a ring on my finger. Never move for a bachelor. The problems you have will still be around until he makes a strong commitment. Right now, he uncommitted. You standing over him and watching him like a hawk is not going to fix the problem.

 

The problem is him. He's still going to be co-dependent on lot of other woman even if you move. They are still going to be calling and he'll want them around. He's telling you one thing when he talks to you on the phone, and something different when he talks to them, that's why they are around.

 

Keep him as a friend, but move on with your life. What's the line from that song: "Hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're going to lose control."

 

Obviously, he wants an "in town" relationship. If you don't move, he will probably start seriously dating one of these other women. So what! They will break up too in a few months and when you're ready to move, maybe you can rekindle something then. Can you stomach the thought of him with someone else while you all are just friends?

 

It's up to you. I personally would wait it out. Give him a chance to date whomever he wants to, if you all are still friends when he's ready to settle down, maybe he will choose you.

[Cupcake]

For all that it's worth, I'm starting to realize that this man really isn't worth waiting for. I mean...we've already been dating a whole year. Right now, there is a lot that can be done to change the distance between us. Afterall, he refuses to relocate to where I am. The least he could do is prepare a place for the both us us to live where he is. But he's contempt with living in the bachlor house to prevent himself from being alone.

 

Tonight, he just admitted to me that he has been dating other women throughout our entire relationship. He never told me about it before because he was afraid that I never would have fallen in love with him. But he insist that he still loves me, has always loved me, and always will love me.

 

Right now, I'm kind of sad knowing that I fell for him. So many times, my gut instinct told me that this man was full of BS. So many times I shared these fears with him, and he assured me that I was wrong. Now reality slaps me in the face. As I wrote before, he was extremly confident about the LDR as it was all his idea. Back then, he asked me to be open minded about it. Now he's saying the LDR is making him miss me too much, so he's asking me to be open minded about him being with someone else. There is no way I'm going to trust this man to keep his word this time. No way in hell.

[CurlyIam]

Good to hear about your decision! Let this be a lesson to you and learn as much as you can from it!

 

Don't be sorry for trusting him! He should be sorry for being such a jerk! Now enjoy being single again!

[Cupcake]

The day after my last post, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. I told him that we could still be civil, but I don't want to be his friend because I love him more than just a friend. I wouldn't be able to handle him calling me to tell me about his new girlfriend(s). He tried to reason with me and promised that he would never come to me about other women. But that didn't work because I would think he's keeping stuff from me.

 

Either way, I told him that he and I are on different levels in our lives. I assured him that I would be moving on with my life, and trying to forget about him. The next day after we officially broke up, he sent me flowers saying that he still loved me "emensely" and he misses me. I called him right after I recieved the flowers to thank him. His roomate answered the phone and was surprised it was me calling. Then he said something fishy to one of the other roomates, and was stalling for time to get my ex-BF to the phone. All of this was very strange.

 

When my ex-BF came to the phone, he was acting all wierd to me. He was like, "oh so now you want to call me. What do you want? What can I do for you?" I was all confused because I'd expected him to remember the floweres he'd sent. So I told him that I'd gotten the flowers, they were beautiful, and thank you. Then I heard this female in the background cursing at him and asking him who he was talking to. She referred to me as the "B*tch who dumped him. She declared that he didn't have anything to say to me. She told him to hang up the phone. I asked him who she was. Then he told me it was none of my damn business because I broke up with him. Then he hung up the phone on me.

 

Yesturday, he called me to apologize for all of that. He said that he had a lot of things on his mind and the whole break up really threw him off balance. Despite how he'd treated me, I was very kind when he called yesturday. He was surprised by that. He was upset that I haven't called him since all that happened. He told me to call him more often just to say hello and let him know how I'm doing because he still loves me. He asked me why wasn't I angry with him anymore about anything. I just told him that I can't go through my entire life crying over spilled milk, when I own a healthy cow. He understood the phrase, but he just changed the subject by telling me that he had to go because he had another call coming through.

[Unlucky In Love]

Well, I'm glad you found out what kind of person he is before you wasted any more of your precious time with him. He isn't even remotely worth a second thought. And if I ever get my hands on him @#$%$!@#$%$@%*&***!, it won't be pretty!

[CurlyIam]

Well honey, you just had the confirmation that you had been doing the right thing - dumping him! Now take your own advice and "Don't call !!" the bastard. Wellcome back to the dating world!

[Alegria]

i only read this thread now, but i'm truly amazed about what a jerk this guy is. you definitely did the right thing with dumping him, and you're probably better off without any contact to him. he seems to be confused about what he wants, and he didn't deserve you at all, with him wanting to date other women while you were away, as well as treating you the way he did. good thing you didn't agree to move closer to him! i admire your strength in this situation, and i really hope that you can move on and that you'll find a man who has the same goals as you for a relationship so you'll be happy again.

good luck.

[Cupcake]

I changed my phone number in July this year. I also changed my personal email address. Since then, my ex has been contacting me at least once a month. He sends messages to my work email (which can't be changed).

 

In August, I responded to one of his emails by calling him. We had a brief conversation in which he was trying to be all sexual and talking to me as though he were still my man. He said he missed me and that he wanted to come visit me. I told him to do whatever he wanted to do. Well, I still haven't seen him. And he still sends me those emails at work.

 

I haven't responded to him since August. Now his emails are like, "what's wrong? I haven't heard from you. Why are you ignoring me? Please call me. Don't you want to talk to me?"

 

Meanwhile, he is still with that same female whom he started dating just before he and I broke up. Apparently, she has been giving him a hard time about me, since he has been telling her stuff about me to make her jealous. Somehow, she got access to my work email address (he must have had it written somewhere). She sent me an email telling me how I needed to move on with my life and leave him alone because he is her man now. She accused me of harrassing him and trying to get him back.

 

Yet, I haven't been contacting him at all. He is the one who is contacting me. And I'm amazed that he insists on sending me emails, encouraging me to call him, when she obviously is opposed to it. It doesn't seem like he's even told her that he no longer has my phone number or email address or that I don't want to talk to him anymore.

 

I didn't respond to her email. But perhaps I should tell her the truth. That my ex cheated on me with her. That he cheated on me with other women before her. Maybe I should forward the most recent emails he sent to me begging me to call him, to her. Maybe if she saw those things, she would get off my case and address her issues with him.

 

This is all too familiar. When I was in her shoes, I did the same stupid thing and contacted the female whom he told me was chasing him. She and I had verbal battles all the time. We ended up hating each other over him. I honestly thought that she was the one to blame. Now that I'm on this side of the situation, I realize that he was the reason for all the mess. How dare he try to bring this drama to me again with his new girlfriend!!!

 

And he told me he loved me !!! Should I just delete the email from his new girlfriend? Or should I respond to her false accusations about me? It's not my problem anymore. But I feel sorry for her. I wish his other exGF would have told me the truth when I falsely accused her her trying to take him away from me. I wish she would have shown me some of the messages from him begging for her attention, when all the while, he and I were arguing about why SHE wouldn't leave him alone.

[moon]

I think this situation between you and your boyfriend is going to get very difficult. I was in an LDR and during times when me and my (now ex) boyfriend were really far away from each other (I was off living in another country) and not able to talk a lot (we were on and off in our relationship and I basically considered these times as off, as opposed to on with the relationship) he hooked up with a few other women. He didn't tell me about this at the time, but he told me later, when we were planning on being closer together.

 

I found it REALLY hard to get past this. I mean it is sort of like saying you are having an open relationship with your boyfriend. This last boyfriend and I were on and off for four years. We definately had some off times during those times. We never went more than two weeks with out talking, but there were times when I didn't know what I wanted either. The last 6 months of our relationship (although LDR) were totally about him and I and there was nobody else (until the very end). But the damage was done from the past. Once we were finally together I had a hard time getting past these little daliences on his part. He of course couldn't understand that. Just like a man.

 

God I am soooo glad he's gone. I haven't talked to the guy in over six weeks now. And having n/c is great. Maybe you should give this guy an ultimatum---You or all those other girls. Maybe you can try and hook up again when you can be in the same town. But long distance relationships are not worth it!!! You put your heart out there for somebody who has all sorts of temptations. Who knows what the future holds! Who knows who is in your town that you could in fact date and have a real relationship with. Long distance relationships suck!! I can't even give an example when I think they are okay..... Unless both people somehow, by the grace of God, can remain faithful during those times. Otherwise you are having an open relationship with somebody and not an LDR. Open relationships don't work. They just cause tons of pain.

 

Good luck. I hope your boyfriend can see it's either you or the highway. Tell him. You will regret later if you allow this guy to just date up a storm with you almost allowing it to happen (by staying in his life and continuing to think he'll be with you one day soon). You will kill your self respect and you will never be able to trust him again when you are together because in a sense you have let him cheat on you. I know of what I speak here. It is really hard to pull that relationship together after what is happening between you and your boyfriend and the other woman happens. Believe me. Sorry to tell you that. I know it hurts! So sorry.....I've been there.

[heckno]

Originally posted by moon

I think this situation between you and your boyfriend is going to get very difficult. I was in an LDR and during times when me and my (now ex) boyfriend were really far away from each other (I was off living in another country) and not able to talk a lot (we were on and off in our relationship and I basically considered these times as off, as opposed to on with the relationship) he hooked up with a few other women. He didn't tell me about this at the time, but he told me later, when we were planning on being closer together.

 

I found it REALLY hard to get past this. I mean it is sort of like saying you are having an open relationship with your boyfriend. This last boyfriend and I were on and off for four years. We definately had some off times during those times. We never went more than two weeks with out talking, but there were times when I didn't know what I wanted either. The last 6 months of our relationship (although LDR) were totally about him and I and there was nobody else (until the very end). But the damage was done from the past. Once we were finally together I had a hard time getting past these little daliences on his part. He of course couldn't understand that. Just like a man.

 

God I am soooo glad he's gone. I haven't talked to the guy in over six weeks now. And having n/c is great. Maybe you should give this guy an ultimatum---You or all those other girls. Maybe you can try and hook up again when you can be in the same town. But long distance relationships are not worth it!!! You put your heart out there for somebody who has all sorts of temptations. Who knows what the future holds! Who knows who is in your town that you could in fact date and have a real relationship with. Long distance relationships suck!! I can't even give an example when I think they are okay..... Unless both people somehow, by the grace of God, can remain faithful during those times. Otherwise you are having an open relationship with somebody and not an LDR. Open relationships don't work. They just cause tons of pain.

 

Good luck. I hope your boyfriend can see it's either you or the highway. Tell him. You will regret later if you allow this guy to just date up a storm with you almost allowing it to happen (by staying in his life and continuing to think he'll be with you one day soon). You will kill your self respect and you will never be able to trust him again when you are together because in a sense you have let him cheat on you. I know of what I speak here. It is really hard to pull that relationship together after what is happening between you and your boyfriend and the other woman happens. Believe me. Sorry to tell you that. I know it hurts! So sorry.....I've been there.

 

WHAT THE?!!.......duh

 

Anyway, I know whatcha mean cupcake, i'd want to send her the emails as well. As a matter of fact, I would if I got harassed by a girl because of his lies. Without a doubt i'd do it. Any other scenario and i'd have to think twice. But you gotta do what you think is right here, and then, by all means do it.

 

You don't owe it to him to cover up for him, he's playing you two against eachother and apparently he does it quite well. I bet he doesn't even know she has your email address. If he knew that he'd be scared to death of writing you, whatever you do, don't tell him or he'll make up some lie before you get a chance to send her the emails. Like you're some super computer hacker or something.

[head/heels]

him to quit f ing calling !!!! and make it clear you changed you # and email and he still wont leave you alone...and tell her to never email again....and tell her "good luck" !

 

what a POS this guy is!!!

 

he gives other great guys bad names

 

 

shhhhhhhhssssshhhhh! he is a scumbag`

[Austin]

Cupcake---- if you do email her, I think you should make it short and sweet... Something that gets to the point: perhaps- Dear Ma'm, I don't know how you got this email, but I have not contacted your current bf in x amount of days, however he has been trying to contact me via email(I don't respond). Please don't email me again!

[Austin]

I was in a LDR too and me and my BF didn't have to see other people at all! You made the right choice!

[Cupcake]

I decided not to respond to her email. I just deleted it. But I called him and told him to come see me. He booked the first flight he could find and was waiting for me at the local airport the next day. I didn't say anything about his girlfriend. But he had some kind of mellow dramatic breakdown and confessed almost everything. He felt sorry about all the pain he'd caused me. Unfortunately, there is nothing he can do about it now.

 

Supposedly, he has been trying to contact me because he was feeling like crap that I didn't want him anymore. And his new girlfriend does not provide the moral support he needs to get through his daily conciousness. Without giving me all the details, I knew exactly what he meant as he expressed his grief. We talked about the possibility that we'll ever get back together in the future. However, we both decided that the long distance thing is not the best thing for us. Niether of us are in the position to relocate.

 

I realize that he was not ready for a commited relationship with me. Judging by the way he's handleling things with his new girlfriend, he's still not ready for a comited relationship with anyone else. He's still imature. Even if we were in the same geographic location, there would still be problems like: honesty, trust, and patience between us that would need to be worked out. Overall, he has the potential to be a really good man. But his integrity would have to change. He has to work that out on his own. I'm glad I am not in the position to worry about his actions anymore. I do still love him. Just not enough to be a fool for him. I told him that I would always be here if he ever decided to change. He promised not to contact me again unless he was able to have the type of relationship with me that I deserve. He was really nice, and I was happy about that. So we wished each other good luck, when he left, without knowing or caring if we ever see or hear from each other again.

[Austin]

WEll thats badass! Good for you!

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by Cupcake

I tried breaking up with him several times due to the fact that he has some strange desire to have other women constantly clinging to him. He demands that I trust him. He says I'm insecure.

 

HE has a strange desire to have other women constantly clinging to him and HE says that YOU are insecure? ? ? ?

 

HE demands that you trust him? Okay . . . lemme check my calendar . . . I know I'm old . . . but I'm sure it's the year 2004 . . . yep . . . it is . . . and he's makin' demands . . . too funny.

 

Next . . . trust isn't given through demands, it's given through trustworthiness and being earned.