sleeping with a married man...

[ali1022]

He just happens to be my TV production professor. I am a 20 year old college student. This started about 6 weeks ago, in the beginning of the semester when I just went to his office after class because I had a few questions about a project. We talked for a little about the project, and he seduced me and we had sex, in his office.

I had always thought he was handsome and in good shape for someone in their early 40's, but I never thought that this would happen. Most of the sex has been happening in his office, but he's even brought me to his house a few times to do it in his bed, the SAME bed that him and his wife sleep in every night. It has left me devastated. We are still having sex, but I am developing feelings for him.

 

And I can't stop feeling awful for his wife and three young children. I am also worried that other people in the department will find out, which would be terrible because I am very involved with activities in my department, and I am well respected by the other professors. In class it's hard for me to pay attention because I just stare at him and think about him. It's even to the point where if I see him talking to another female student, I'll get jealous. It just hurts me a lot because every night when he's laying down with his wife going to sleep, I'm laying down thinking about him. I asked him if he's ever done this with another student, and he said no. When I asked why me, he said "because you're beautiful". When he says those things to boost my self esteem, I don't WANT to believe that it's all bull****, even though it probably is. He just makes me feel so happy.

 

I honestly think I'm crazy for thinking that this could go any further. and I am scared to tell anyone that I know because I do not want to be judged. I know what I am doing is horrible and wrong. I really do not know what to do, and I would really like some advice.

Edited March 3, 2012 by ali1022

[USMCHokie]

You "know it's wrong," and yet you continue to do it...? :laugh:

 

What advice are you actually looking for...? Validation that what you're doing is ok...?

I like to call this the natural selection of the dating world...and I should really stay out of the cheating forums...

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly, this situation is such an abuse of authority on his part with the chance of it outright ruining your education and reputation that I personally believe that you should seek a counselor immediately for some Emotional/psychological support.

 

As you get older, you will see just how predatorial this mans actions are.

 

I am sorry, I know that we tend to get attached very easily to men we have sex with that appear to truly appreciate us, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to have all of that guilt and the attachment knowing what this can do to so many people around you both.

 

I truly believe that you will be very deeply hurt by this relationship and I hope that you seek outside support right away.

[SoleMate]

My advice is to stop having sex with him. That is by far the most important thing to do.

 

Secondly, I agree with DoT's great advice to get counselling to help you deal with the fallout. Being victimized by an authority figure is completely different from just having a normal relationship (even one with issues). That's why you have so many upsetting feelings including craziness and devastation etc.

 

As far as all the little compliments he pays you....yes, your suspicion is right, it is 110% cheap bu!!$h|+ and you should treat it as such.

[mercy]

ali, if that is you in your avatar you are a beautiful young woman. What a lovely smile you have.

 

You may want to rethink using your picture. You just never know who'll see it.

 

I hope you do as the others suggest and get yourself into counseling. Usually free to students.

 

He's taking advantage of your youth and beauty. Save it for someone worthy of you.

 

He may look good on the outside but inside, where it really matters, he's just plain ugly.

[alexandria35]

He doesn't have cheap quickie sex with you in his office because you are beautiful, he does it because you let him and he knew you would. I mean think about it for a second. Colleges usually have plenty of stunningly beautiful young women. Do you think you are the first or most beautiful student he has ever seen? And yes, he has done this before, plenty of times. That's how he managed to talk your pants off so fast. He is a predator who is abusing he position. I agree that you should seek counselling as you are mistaking this situation as love and romance which it definitely is not.

[2sunny]

The man who brings the OW into his marital bed shows so much disrespect and anger for his W. cheating is in one class - but in his home is a whole different breed that screams anger and resentment.

 

Run! I'm frightened for you being with him.

 

Turn him in to the school, he shouldn't be allowed to preying students!

[USMCHokie]

OP, do you get any attention from other male students at your school?

[ali1022]

OP, do you get any attention from other male students at your school?

 

I do get attention from males, but I'm just not interesting in them. 5 months ago, I got out of a 3 and a half year relationship that started in high school, so I guess I was not ready to give any other males attention until now, and I certainly picked the wrong one.

[ali1022]

ali, if that is you in your avatar you are a beautiful young woman. What a lovely smile you have.

 

You may want to rethink using your picture. You just never know who'll see it.

 

I hope you do as the others suggest and get yourself into counseling. Usually free to students.

 

He's taking advantage of your youth and beauty. Save it for someone worthy of you.

 

He may look good on the outside but inside, where it really matters, he's just plain ugly.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so hard to end it, but I have too much that I am risking right now (my reputation at school, pregnancy) so I know that I need to.

[USMCHokie]

I do get attention from males, but I'm just not interest[ed] in them.

 

And why is that...? What is it about single guys your own age that is so uninteresting...?

[Gentlegirl2]

Where are you parents?

 

Can you possibly speak to them or to anybody close

 

This man is a figure of authority. With that goes responsibilities... He has stepped over the boundaries of decency and professionalism with you.

You are so very young and vulnerable.

 

Please, please, report this creep to your college.

 

I wonder how many other young, vulnerable students he has played with over his years as a teacher.... people are told to respect teachers. I am a teacher and he shames the profession.

 

For your own sake and for those who have gone before you and will come after you... report him.

 

Do not continue to sleep with him and do not catch feelings for him. He can ruin your life and your whole future.

 

Warm wishes to you ,

GG

[PlumPrincess]

:bunny:

[despicableME]

There's a recent thread here with a similar scenario. The young lady was having "fun" with an older man. Needles to say it didn't turn out like she expected. Same age group, also.

 

She prides herself on being quite the "smarty-pants," and look where it got her.

 

I don't think you want to follow that path.

Edited March 3, 2012 by despicableME

[Ms. Red]

Whoa! (see bolded text). Why would you be risking a PREGNANCY?! Don't tell me you sleep with this guy and you're not on birth control and/or do not use a condom?

 

BTW, you have no idea if your sex sessions are being circulated on any sex/porn sites on the internet and/or to his buddies. He could have recording equipment set up in his office (even at home). And I hope you're not sending him racy pics or videos of yourself either. You can be sure he's showing them off.

 

And yes you are crazy for thinking this could go any further. Do you honestly believe a married man is going to leave his wife and three children for a 19 year old student? You are one of many girls who've had "meetings" in his office. And you won't be the last.

 

Go get yourself tested for STD's immediately. And if it's so easy for a man to get your panties off, then you NEED to start using birth control.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking of when I read the opening post.

 

Heed the warnings here Ali. This can't end well.

[MissBee]

Honestly, this situation is such an abuse of authority on his part with the chance of it outright ruining your education and reputation that I personally believe that you should seek a counselor immediately for some Emotional/psychological support.

 

As you get older, you will see just how predatorial this mans actions are.

 

I am sorry, I know that we tend to get attached very easily to men we have sex with that appear to truly appreciate us, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to have all of that guilt and the attachment knowing what this can do to so many people around you both.

 

I truly believe that you will be very deeply hurt by this relationship and I hope that you seek outside support right away.

 

 

I agree. I think this situation is predatorial indeed and based on what the OP is saying, his shallow excuse about "you're beautiful"...I mean really? But the fact that the OP says this makes her happy and boosts her self esteem that he says something so simple and ridiculous, seems even more like this man is taking advantage of someone who is not in the best position and is more apt to fall for his foolishness.

 

I do think she should seek some emotional support outside of LS to deal with this, as this has the potential to really ruin more than just her heart. I can also see how at this point she would be scared to cut him off, after all she ahs put herself in a bad position where he is her professor, he is in her department, and she may feel obligated to continue the A even if she has conflicts. Although, realistically, she has a bit of the upperhand since he is the one who would lose his job etc....but nevertheless, she is an adult and not under aged so she would not be seen as a victim necessarily but one complicit in the whole thing, who'd lose respect from her other superiors.

 

I second the counseling and finding a way to keep your academic life in tact outside of this and separating yourself from him and this situation. Your future is not worth this fling.

[skywriter]

ali,

 

You'll find this experience a painful lessen. At your young age, I tend to feel a protective nature towards you.

 

I would encourage you to go ahead and put an end to this. You know it can only go bad. From here forward, you should think about the innocent family he has as a deturant.

[frozensprouts]

ali,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation...

 

it makes me so angry when a man starts an affair with a woman usuing this type of abuse of authority. It's awful!

 

You seem like a nice young lady, and he is robbing you of a time in your life that should be spent learning and growing and being carefree ( sorry to sound so hokey, but it's the truth). Instead, it's now become a time in your lie when you are feeling guilt and shame. That is so wrong!

 

the fact that you feel empathy for his wife and children is good...now use that sense of empathy to extricate yourself from this situation. You know that what you are doing isn't right for you, so now you need to use that knowledge to make things right. End your relationship and report this mans actions. I know it's easy to say, not so easy to do, but you do have that strength. When it's all said and done, you'll be proud of the person you see looking back at you from the mirror.

 

Make sure you have a good support system in place ( friends, parents, a counselor, etc.) who will be there for you when you need them. They will stand you in good stead.

 

best of luck to you:)

[Mme. Chaucer]

Step 1: TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF. NEVER have sex with this man again.

[mercy]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so hard to end it, but I have too much that I am risking right now (my reputation at school, pregnancy) so I know that I need to.

 

 

You're welcome!

 

It's always hard to do the right thing (damnit). Just remember our mistakes are lessons if we learn from them. Otherwise we just keep repeating them till we get it right. Your reputation was hard earned, right? Don't spend a lifetime rebuilding it. Take charge!

 

Yes, there will be consequences. Are you afraid of how he will react if you end it? Is the head of your department someone you would feel comfortable talking to? Hate to be a nag but counseling is a must.

[NoIDidn't]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so hard to end it, but I have too much that I am risking right now (my reputation at school, pregnancy) so I know that I need to.

 

Ali,

 

Sweetheart (protective mom here). I think he should be more concerned about his reputation as he doesn't sound old enough to have achieved tenure. He is taking advantage of your youth and naiveté in such situations. Look around your class and see how many other young ladies may be sitting starry eyed staring at him as well. I do not believe you are alone. The Philandering College Professor is so common as to be a cliche. And he doesn't have to be angry with his W to be doing so. He likely has done this numerous times before as a stroke to an aging academic's ego (no offense to aging academics that don't take advantage of their students). His actions hit me as "I still got it".

 

Please stop having sex with him (unprotected, protected, oral, whatever). This will help some to refocus you and do seek out the free counseling services at your school. They have been a lifeline for many of my friends when I was in college.

[denise_xo]

Honestly, this situation is such an abuse of authority on his part with the chance of it outright ruining your education and reputation that I personally believe that you should seek a counselor immediately for some Emotional/psychological support.

 

As you get older, you will see just how predatorial this mans actions are.

 

I truly believe that you will be very deeply hurt by this relationship and I hope that you seek outside support right away.

 

+1. I work in academia and find such abuse of authority absolutely sickening. OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice in this thread. I strongly urge you to seek out some counselling at your uni to help you address this. They should be bound by a confidentiality agreement, meaning that you should be able to discuss this openly with them without jeopardising your position at the department.