Thinking of ending it in Arizona.

[Grinning Maniac]

I have a vacation planned out to Arizona in a few days, and over the last few hours I've been strongly thinking about ending my life there. I'm going by myself and it doesn't seem like a bad place for a man to die. It will be warm and sunny. There are plenty of places a person could do it with than many cliffs. But I suppose the reason, if I could pin one down, is that I feel dead and alone inside. Completely. I can't even be around people anymore.

 

And I imagine very few people would think my actions make any sort of sense. I'm 27 and according to other people... very attractive, funny, not exactly..um.. lacking in the boxers. I have plenty of friends who care about me and come around often, have a decent amount of money, do well in school, and have started my own business. But I'm just feeling...alone. Specifically, can't get love right. I'm 27 years old and no one has ever told me that they loved me. Not on this continent anyway. Imagine that? It's been several years since I've been in a decent relationship. And I've really not had a passionate relationship that lasted more than 3-4 months. Can count them on one hand. Ironically all of them when I was early in college, depressed and had no friends and a momma's boy. No clue how I had cute girls thinking "I want his cock!" at that point yet when I'm all together and independent and sorted, I can't get a girl to save my life. About 5-6 years ago, I "dated" a girl from the Netherlands for about a year and change, and we met up and traveled for a while too. Felt fairly loved/desired at that point, but that fell apart. Mainly due to mood swings from meds I was taking for ADD at the time, and I kept my distance a bit from her as I didn't want to be clingy. Turns out she wanted me closer. Ironic. Couldn't un**** that first impression that I was wrong for her, and she left. I still think about her a lot. Hell, my entire minds been focused on trying to have a girl like that again, and not **** it up. But since then, it's been nothing but these pathetic short lived relationships with emotionally/sexually messed-up people who eventually leave. Not sure why my I end up with them. Maybe after the Dutch girl I was looking for something safe and easy, and "shy girls" seemed safe. Apart from that, every "normal" girl i fancy tends to have a boyfriend, or gets one soon after we start talking. It's been like that for a few years now.

 

So yeah...I have everything I want in life, but that...and it's eating a hole in me. I can feel it in the middle of my chest, burning and aching all damned day. Maybe it's a validation thing. Maybe it's just a big empty spot in the "pyramid of needs" and the pressure is hurting. Maybe it's making me feel like less of a man. But I'm not wanting to maintain the mask anymore. I go out to eat and see people cooing over each other and I quite literally want to kill them. My friends get in relationships and I want to just stay away. So now I'm about to take a plane to Arizona and I'm seriously considering coming back in the cargo hold. I just don't care anymore and am tired of hurting all the time. Don't see it getting better. I'll graduate soon, and you never meet as many girls as you do in college. I see myself sitting in an apartment alone with Ramen noodles, eventually a shotgun in my mouth...so why not just end it already?

[Buttercup84]

Oh sweety , please seek help right now . Just think , there is a woman out there dying to meet someone like you , and if you kill yourself she will never meet you . You will never meet her .

 

I only had one serious relationship that lastet two years , and after the breakup I had serious depression . I am the same age as you .

 

As you said , you have so much going for you . Being single is not a punishment or a reflection of yourself .

 

You are only 27 ! So far I haven't had any men declare their undying love for me , apart from my ex who is a lying cunt .

 

But I have to learn to love myself first , as corny as it sounds.

 

Please do not end your life , you do not know how many people will be affected by it .

 

None of my married friends met their partners in college , they met them when they least expected it .

 

Stop comparing yourself to other people , and just because you see couples being all lovey dovey and **** does not mean they are happy or will last . Focus on making YOUR life the best ****ing life you can imagine .

 

I am attractive but haven't attracted any men in ages as I have let myself go and need to work on my happiness .

 

Enjoy being single for now as it won't last , who knows what is around the corner ?

 

PM me if you need to talk , and do not do anything stupid Ok ? we all here are happy to talk to you xx

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry to read this, and I feel your pain.

 

You do have people in your life, family and friends who can help you through this time, as well as going to talk to someone professional. Life can be extremely hard at times, so please, don't give up because things now are shi.tty and you're feeling at your lowest.

 

You're an oldtimer on LS like me - Gotta stick around, okay?

 

Grinning Maniac, please don't do something so final.. You do have many people who love and care about you.

[Exit]

I know how you feel so I'm not going to sugar coat anything or tell you that there is so much to live for. I've been in my own pit of despair lately, so I can't exactly speak about the beauty of life.

 

Hopefully you'll find a way to keep going. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, but things like that are always subjective, you feel an emptiness in your life despite what you already have, and other people judge their own lives too. Look at it this way... you speak about a future living in an apartment alone eating Ramen... well I'm already doing that lol. It's a Saturday night and I've been outside a few times for a cigarette but other than that I've been here all day alone. And I don't have a trip to Arizona to look forward to either. From where I'm sitting, it sounds great to have plenty of friends who care about me and my own business.

 

Try not to waste your vacation on depression. Use it to get away from your troubles for a few days. Bring a camera, take pictures, meet people, have fun.

 

I wish I had more powerful advice to give but all I can say is that when things are this bad you just gotta try to keep going one day at a time. Like buttercup said, think about the woman who you are destined to meet some day. It'll never happen if you decide to leave.

[Nightsky]

You’re overwhelmed and believing in realities that aren’t true. You do meet more women after college. Heck you can still go back to college and use their library and pick up all the college girls you want if that’s the only place you feel comfortable meeting women.

 

You don’t love yourself enough to even keep on living so of course its tough to find some one. Start loving life and just enjoying the here and now and it will work out. If you need some help don’t be afraid to ask. You don’t need to say you want to kill yourself. Just say your lost and lonely if that’s all you can bring yourself to do. If you want to fly out to my area and stay in a hotel I guarantee we could scrounge you up some women haha. It’s not really all that hard if you just go out there and do it. You just need to learn being ok by yourself though. Because even your married friends could have things end on them.

[Grinning Maniac]

I've thought about seeing some help recently, but it doesn't seem like that would fix the underlying problem. What's bothering me is that no one wants to be close to me. Talking doesn't change that and it's been like that for a long time. And I'm not necessarily looking for one life-long love...because I frankly don't believe that exists. I'd take a long series of passionate flings. But I don't even get that much. No benefriends, no nothing.

 

And I don't go around depressed all the time. I talk to people. It just never goes anywhere or they're attached. Chronic bad luck. And I'm just tired of it all.

 

Feeling wanted is definitely a human need.

[oldguy]

In addition, if you end it you will never know how it turns out.

Never have the opportunity to improve your condition if you remove all options.

 

If nothing else would you please do me a favor & call this number right now; 1-800-273-8255 it is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, there are people there who can help you to explore other potential options. What do you have to loose? Please call them & please come back here & tell us how you are doing.

 

I've got more to say & so do you.

[Grinning Maniac]

Tried to edit but someone else had replied. I've heard that before, that "if you don't love yourself no one else will". I used to love myself a lot, really until very recently. But the loneliness and rejection's been with me a long long time. So I loved myself...but no one else got on the bus.

 

Plus I just have really bad luck. Hell, just the other day I was having a really awesome talk with a girl in the dining hall. I'd never been so smooth and flirty and confident. Turns out she had a boyfriend....and was a freshman.

[Nightsky]

Tried to edit but someone else had replied. I've heard that before, that "if you don't love yourself no one else will". I used to love myself a lot, really until very recently. But the loneliness and rejection's been with me a long long time. So I loved myself...but no one else got on the bus.

 

Plus I just have really bad luck. Hell, just the other day I was having a really awesome talk with a girl in the dining hall. I'd never been so smooth and flirty and confident. Turns out she had a boyfriend....and was a freshman.

 

That happened to every one. Things go good and then its like oh well. Call that number old guy put up if you're seriously thinking about killing yourself. That way you get through this and see that life is worth living. Seriousy what a waste to just kill yourself. At 27 you have more power than you ever had. School is a joke a scam really. You can meet women a lot easier out of school. Like I said if you're really going to end it come out to my neck of the woods on vacation I'd show you how to really enjoy women. It's not about being afraid of being a lone. It's enjoying simply looking at them or talking to them even if things don't end in them saying "yes."

 

You arn't alone. So many people are lonly even crowds. By helping others out you'll help yourself out. If your healthy and you're american... well you owe to yourself to live man! You've got it all if you just grab it.

[pie2]

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you pull through this. Please know that everyone is searching for the same love, acceptance and belonging you're searching for. Even those you see "cooing" in relationships, aren't really "completed" by their partners. We ALL feel a sense of emptiness at times, because no one can really, fully make us whole. So when you envy others that you see on the street, please remember that they may just be envying you, and your "freedom", good looks, smarts, etc. And you say, "ugh, what's the big deal?" Well, to those of us who are lacking in those departments, it seems pretty great to have

 

I truly believe that the happiness you're seeking comes from within. And it's not a quick-fix, bam-you-understand-life kind of moment. It takes time to learn to appreciate what you do have, and even give thanks for what you don't.

 

I mean, you don't know...what if you meet the "LOVE of your life" tomorrow, and because you're so set on being in a relationship, you get married without heeding some major red flags. Then what if, because of your haste, she turns out to be some psycho killer lady? All because you wanted to push it, and not be patient for the right time, the right person, the right moment. So, be thankful that you're waiting and holding on until it's just the right time. Your moment is coming...I promise!

 

Please try to think of something, even the smallest thing, to be thankful for today. Something as simple as the fact that you have eyesight to see the sunlight shining through the trees as it sets in the horizon. Sometimes, appreciating those little moments are really what life's about.

 

Lastly, please think about your mom and dad right now...and what this would mean to them.

[oldguy]

Have you noticed most of your posts on LS are around the same time of year.That could indicate a seasonal mood disorder. And that's fixable. Once you get that worked out the rest of your issues will be; "phase 2";)

[FitChick]

All things must pass. Around 27 everyone goes through some sort of testing period. In astrology it's called the Saturn return. It is where you are severely tested as to what you believe in, what your goals are. I felt like you at 27. I was in a dead end relationship and a dead end job. I started meditating, taking classes in personal development and transformation, tried all sorts of therapies, because I didn't want to be the person I was. It was painful with many false leads but I got through it and changed for the better.

 

If you can afford $200 have a personal phone session with a Lefkoe Method facilitator. It's more focused than conventional therapy and I am sure that after just one session you will feel like a great weight has been lifted. Read this website to see if this is something you think would work for you and then call.

 

I also suspect your meds are making you depressed as most of that stuff has that side effect. Google foods for depression and change your diet and go out for a long walk or run at the very least.

[Grinning Maniac]

I dropped the ADD meds years ago. I felt tons better afterwards. Turns out schedules/calendar/lists worked better than drugs.

[Mme. Chaucer]

NO NO NO NO NO.

 

I promise you, you will find out that your life is so very worth living. You have to be present though.

 

I have been where you are, and I am now twice your age and in a so so very different place. But when I was where you are, there was no way out. I could see nothing for me. It was a bad illusion.

 

Please, please stand up for your future self. Please make that call and get help.

[oldguy]

^

Here is that number again;

1-800-273-8255

[Grinning Maniac]

Mme,

 

sigh You might be right. I remember feeling this way at 18 before I got my first girlfriend, and my second, and it lessened with each cycle. But it's just been a while, and a steady stream of lousy girlfriends/dates that I regret. At least with the old ones I had a couple of months of flirting and ravaging each other and cuddling before it fell apart.

 

Fun fact, I actually met my 2nd girlfriend (out of 5, for context) the night after I had pretty much decided I was offing myself that evening. And she was the one who approached me. My life was sort of like that for a while. Really awesome women approaching me when I least expected it.

 

For the last few years it's been, me initiating things with women who were really wrong for me because I'm lonely.

 

And oldguy, I might give that number a call tomorrow. I do suppose talking to someone might help... Need to finish making trip plans though. Put it off too long. But I havent really felt like bothering, understandably.

[whichwayisup]

Talking about stuff helps, just having someone listen to you, understand your pain..I can already you're in a better frame of mind..

 

I still do at times, but I used to suffer from really bad panic and anxiety attacks, which of course led to some mild depression. I did have some bad and negative thoughts, never really allowed my mind to travel too far south but I came close and it scared me. I got help, found a therapist who I connected with and trusted. She helped me understand why I was suffering from anxiety and along the way I learned how to fight the battle and not let it control me.

 

Things will get better, but you need to give it time and not let the yucky feelings take over.

 

Double up on vitamin D, it does help depression at this time of year especially. Exercise daily, go for walks or do yoga too. Any type of exercise can help relieve the depression feelings, that blah and fog head (as I call it)..

 

Post more and please post back tomorrow. Reach out and call that number if need be.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm glad you are seeing outside of the tunnel a little bit now.

 

When I was deeply depressed when I was in my 20's, I had a great friend who could kind of talk me down. She would tell me to get up, put on my makeup (that might not be a reasonable suggestion for you )

 

Anyway, my point is that you need to do whatever it takes to get through days until you get on the other side of this.

 

I'm sure that you still know that life is beautiful, in spite of all the pain, disappointment, loss, and other negative parts of it.

 

Please hang in here.

[pie2]

 

I like your latest post Grinning...you're sounding a bit better.

 

Need to finish making trip plans though.

 

Now, as long as this trip is something that'll benefit, as Mme. put it, your "future self" (who will be much obliged, I'm sure), then that sounds like an excellent plan.

[dreamingoftigers]

Why do you think you are having trouble getting someone to ride the same bus as you?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Do nothing. Just focus on doing nothing. It's even easier than doing something (like offing yourself).

 

Only few weeks ago, I was one of those cooing couples. Now, I am alone as everything crashed around me in an instant. You have no idea what's around the corner for them (cooing couples) or what's going on behind closed doors (cheating, abuse etc). Having experienced both - an acute pain of a heartbreak is worse than a dull ache of loneliness.

 

If you are patient, you will meet someone. Trust me on this.

 

Life is just an endless cycle of ups and downs for EVERYONE.

[Anela]

I'm right back there, too. I just can't believe the **** that's been happening, and I can't take much more. I really can't.

[TaraMaiden]

the tenacity of the human psyche is an extraordinary thing... dreamingoftigers is one such example of the sheer will and determination to survive, and the point-blank, bloody-minded, obstinate refusal to let the crap get the upper hand.

Also, you might like to read this.

 

There are many stories of Buddhist monks from Tibet who were imprisoned and tortured by the Chinese after the invasion of 1959, but who nevertheless held a positive view of their Chinese torturers. One monk who was kept in prison for many years was tortured repeatedly with electric cattle prods that were inserted in his mouth, shattering all his teeth and causing unspeakable pain. he was beaten daily, suspended by his wrists with his arms tied behind him, and beaten around his genitals, and mutilated anally. he was blinded and had so many bones broken, that although when released he was in his 50's, he moved and behaved like a man in his 90's. When he later fled Tibet and went to India, he met the Dalai Lama, and was interviewed by a posse of journalists, eager to hear his story. One reporter asked him what he had most been afraid of, when he was in prison. The monk replied that there had been times when he had been very afraid:

 

He was most afraid that he might lose his compassion for the Chinese.

 

It boggles the mind to imagine having that much serenity and compassion and patience: it seems almost impossibly advanced in spiritual terms. Most of us would probably be eaten alive with anger and hatred of our oppressors in situations containing even a fraction of the horrors to which that monk was subjected. But as the example of such people shows, it is, in fact, possible to transform even the most difficult and negative situations into positive fuel [for awakening].

 

while I feel the pain and isolation of people here, you have to understand that the only subject of the pain is your emotions.

And your emotions are not. who. you. are.

[Motor35]

everyone has offered some great advice

 

when will you be in arizona and what part? i am in AZ...maybe we can meet up...

[Grinning Maniac]

It turns out that this trip is just what I needed. Arizona is a wonderful place. Full of natural beauty. And I've taken the last few days exploring it, and taking it as sort of a spiritual journey. Not in any religious sense, or mystic vortex hoo-hah, but in searching inside myself for answers about why I am the way I am, why I feel the way I feel. It's been really enlightening.

 

I've come to the conclusion that I've been pretty much beating myself up for the last few years for losing Saene (the Dutch girl). I've been trying to force another relationship like that into existence and all it's really done is get me into a bunch of lesser quality relationships (though to be fair, I should have known they were sort of "off") or push away decent girls when I try to move things too fast. In truth, my best relationships have happened completely by accident. I met one by heckling her as she was running and failing to catch a bus. Another started talking to me after a lecture. Saene wrote to me out of nowhere, even paid to do so. So me trying to make things happen hasn't really been successful.

 

But when you're feeling lonely, it's hard to have faith that someone will just come along. You see yourself waiting for 5-10 years without a date. I still don't know if I have it in me to just let things happen. I see "regular" guys pick up chicks and it works for them, so I figure why not me? And yeah, I am pretty focused on fixing this "one thing" that I see as wrong, because then it will be like...I won, I guess?

 

At this point, I'm even confused as to what it is I really want right now, casual sex or a real relationship. Haven't had enough of either in my opinion, and my attempts at finding either have gone...awry. Everyone says you should focus on making female friends and that's how things happen but I suppose I avoid it because I don't want to be that omega male the women talk to about the guys they really want to sleep with. Although that's never happened...

 

I don't know. But I'm not planning on offing myself anymore, and I feel slightly better...but still troubled from time to time.

 

[/copied from another forum]

 

Motor, I'm here in Sedona until tomorrow when I go back to Phoenix to fly out. And it depends on whether you are cute, single and won't stab me.