I have feelings for my really good friend

[ConfusedOne4]

So long story short, I swore off boys for 3 years because the last one I liked hurt me to the point where I stopped trusting people and guys.

 

Now, I started Grad. school in August 2011 and I find myself having feelings for my really great guy friend, after spending a lot of time around him.

 

We went through finals week studying together (along with a few other people, but a lot of it was with each other). Around that time I started realizing I had feelings for him, when I never thought I could consider someone like him (we're technically from two different backgrounds).

 

I told him how I felt and he wants to be just friends and promised to make sure things would not get awkward between us. I was thinking fat chance at that, but things have been really good between us and for the most part we act like things have not change.

 

The issue is that I still have feelings for him and some of the things he does and says makes me feel like he might have feelings but because of our different backgrounds he would not act on them. But, then I just think he is just being the really good guy he is and I am just reading into things, so I do not know what to do. I do not want to lose him because I consider him my rock, who got me through the first semester of school (and I do not think he realizes that).

 

Any advice on how to move on without losing him?

Edited March 4, 2012 by ConfusedOne4

[Boo Radley]

What kind of different backgrounds?

[ConfusedOne4]

It isn't really a big difference. I'm Caribbean and he is Indian (Gujrati). But stereotypically we don't mix, we usually stick to our own cultures (the older people tend to prefer that). And Gujrati people tend to stick with their own people even more than other Indian people, at least from what my other Gujrati friends say.

[ConfusedOne4]

I'm guessing another question could be like what he does. Today is a great example of something he does.

 

We were sitting in class, bored of course. The topic was something called Frustration of Purpose. So, I text him that "he is frustrating my purpose," as in the professor, because he wasn't doing the best job in explaining the topic. So, he tells me after class ends that he wanted to text me a response but held back and just told me in person what it was (obviously it wasn't G rated, so I'm not going to post his reply). Of course I give him a response back because he knew he had it coming, and he responds bad girl.

 

This is just one example of the random conversations we have, yet I'm not sure how he sees me; if it is just as friends or if he wants more and doesn't know how to go about it.

[ConfusedOne4]

I thought I should mention this other example b/c he has done it more than once, so it might be helpful in figuring him out.

 

So, for some reason, he decides after making certain comments to just turn and stare at me (I'm usually right next to him in the conversation with other people) and I would ask him "What?" and he wouldn't say anything and just stay quiet looking at me and smirking/smiling.

(1) On the first occasion, we were in an elevator with our other friend and he was talking about how he was getting ready to get laser eye surgery and he had to go on a pre-op appointment. So, he mentions that and then turns and looks at me, I say what?, he doesn't reply, and I turn to my friend and she gives me a laughing smile about it.

(2) We were all at a bar, the guys wanted to grab a drink after our study group, so I tagged along (I don't drink, just went to enjoy some time out). So they were talking about going to a Ball/Prom our school has and he mentioned how some people were planning on crashing & he was going to tag along with another close friend of ours. He proceeds again to turn around and just stare at me, and I say what? and he says nothing (again). So, I'm like I'm not crashing lol...and he proceeds to continue the conversation with the guys.

 

Any type of advice will help b/c seriously he makes me feel so crazy with the things he does. So plz someone give me some type of advice...move on or keep waiting for him to ask me out?

Edited March 10, 2012 by ConfusedOne4

[ConfusedOne4]

IDK if any of this is helping you all figure out what I should do with him...But here is something else he did...we were texting last night...about our plans for today...

 

Another friend (a guy) and the two of us were planning to go somewhere in Queens, NY for a parade. So, I texted him asking him if our friend contacted him to see if he was going and he said no and that he was planning to just go do something else (an event for work).

 

So, he mentions the event and says the club he is an e-board member for (which I recently joined) is also invited. So I say "Haha...meaning?" (So, I'm thinking he wanted me to go b/c he mentioned it, after I said have fun at your co-worker event thing).

 

I asked him for details and he gave them to me. I then say I will get my friend to come too (a guy, who also joined the club) and we'd take the train and go there.

 

IDK after that he starts saying how it's a bar and everyone will be drinking (my friend and I don't drink)...and that we might feel uncomfortable b/c we don't know anyone and how we're really not really members of the club yet, so it would be inappropriate for us to come....

 

So, I pretty much tell him off saying why did he mention it to begin with when I thought it was a job thing, but he didn't respond...

 

I'm not sure if I just misread what he was saying through his texts or if he just wanted me to go and me bringing up my friend coming annoyed him...

 

Any ideas?

[jobaba]

As someone who has been through this exact thing a number of times (in my teens, 20s and 30s), including recently, I'll give you my opinion, but you won't like it.

 

The reason why he rejected you is because he has no physical attraction to you. What you're going through now is one of the hardest pills to swallow in romance and life. After all, we (you and I) have learned to appreciate the object of desire looking at all of their qualities and over a period of time. And they feel the same way about our inside. WE KNOW THAT.

 

But to be rejected because our face or body isn't good enough. That's rough...

 

What you're going through now is your heart playing tricks with your mind. You are interpreting his actions as signs that he is interested after all and is 'coming around'. I have done this too with a number of women. The most recent one was bad. If you are really interested, I can give you some of the things I interpreted as 'interest'. It's pretty sad though.

 

I suggest you limit contact until you give your feelings a chance to fade. Whether or not he comes forward and initiates contact will be indicative of how much he values you as a friend. There is a very slight chance he is interested, and if he is ... your best chance will be to lay off and let him realize how awesome you really are, not by being in his face all the time.

 

These kinds of rejections are the absolute worst. It's just going to take time to recover. This is just my synopsis, I could be wrong on a few points, but in general ... stay away and limit contact.

 

Good luck.

[ConfusedOne4]

Honestly...I agree with almost everything you said b/c even though I sometimes think he might, I know he doesn't b/c he would have admitted it already.

 

On the part about physical attraction, since you don't know what I look like I'm not gonna agree completely with that part.

 

As for keeping the distance...problem is that we're car pool buddies and I'm in all his classes (I have 2 more than him) and we're in study group together, where we're starting to prepare for finals soon. So that will be an issue.

 

But, I have tried limiting contact outside of school and avoiding him on facebook, etc. So that is the best I could do until we get to our Spring and Summer Breaks...

 

As for his valuing of our friendship. I think it said a lot when he didn't run. Sadly, other guys I've admitted my feelings to began avoiding me b/c they didn't know how else to react to that. W/ this guy, he respected me enough and valued our friendship by promising (he actually did this explicitly) to not let things change between us and for the most part nothing has changed. And promised to not let things get awkward and things aren't weird between us, when we're alone or when we're with friends.

 

And I guess it would be good to know what types of signs show a guy is interested...since I'm honestly clueless when it comes to that...

Edited March 11, 2012 by ConfusedOne4

[jobaba]

Honestly...I agree with almost everything you said b/c even though I sometimes think he might, I know he doesn't b/c he would have admitted it already.

 

On the part about physical attraction, since you don't know what I look like I'm not gonna agree completely with that part.

 

As for keeping the distance...problem is that we're car pool buddies and I'm in all his classes (I have 2 more than him) and we're in study group together, where we're starting to prepare for finals soon. So that will be an issue.

 

But, I have tried limiting contact outside of school and avoiding him on facebook, etc. So that is the best I could do until we get to our Spring and Summer Breaks...

 

As for his valuing of our friendship. I think it said a lot when he didn't run. Sadly, other guys I've admitted my feelings to began avoiding me b/c they didn't know how else to react to that. W/ this guy, he respected me enough and valued our friendship by promising (he actually did this explicitly) to not let things change between us and for the most part nothing has changed. And promised to not let things get awkward and things aren't weird between us, when we're alone or when we're with friends.

 

And I guess it would be good to know what types of signs show a guy is interested...since I'm honestly clueless when it comes to that...

 

I feel you. I've been there.

 

One such woman who rejected me was insistent on keeping contact with me and today she is one of my most reliable friends.

 

As far as the physical attraction part, that's usually (but not always) what it comes down to. Sometimes it's hard to admit, but it is what it is. Doesn't mean you are unattractive per se, just that he is likely not attracted to you. That other person likes being around you. If they thought you were physically attractive enough, they would probably take a chance. Don't sweat it. I can't even count how many times I've been rejected because I wasn't attractive enough. Rest assured, it's a lot.

 

Once again ... been there, done that. Doing that!

 

It's just going to take time to get over him.

 

I also respect the fact that as a woman you are stepping up to the plate and facing rejection. Many woman do not and refuse to face flat out rejection. Kudos...

Edited March 12, 2012 by jobaba

[ConfusedOne4]

It's sad to say but I've been rejected so many times that I'm sick of it!! So idk with him he means so much to me with how tough grad school is, so I need him in my life b/c of how close we've gotten. He means that much to me, I'm willing to do anything to get over this stupidity, b/c I can't lose him. Like I said in my original post, he is my rock and I don't know how I got through first semester finals w/o him (him more than the other guys in our study group).

[jobaba]

It's sad to say but I've been rejected so many times that I'm sick of it!! So idk with him he means so much to me with how tough grad school is, so I need him in my life b/c of how close we've gotten. He means that much to me, I'm willing to do anything to get over this stupidity, b/c I can't lose him. Like I said in my original post, he is my rock and I don't know how I got through first semester finals w/o him (him more than the other guys in our study group).

 

Yea. I'm sorry.

 

It really sucks to get rejected by a friend. Some people will never face that kind of rejection in their life.

 

What grad school program are you in (subject or at least area)? I've been through grad school and have been associated with different grad school areas and I know socialization is different for each.

 

I assume you are young to mid 20s.

 

How do you present yourself to men? To be honest, there's not too many women in your age bracket that have to face that much rejection from men. Most women in their 20s can get men who are interested in them from some source.

 

Perhaps you are coming off too aggressive or offputting somehow? Perhaps there is something you can do to improve your physical appearance? Maybe you are black and hitting on all white men?

 

I'm not trying to be insulting ... just helpful. The truth is people are narrow in what they will accept as a romantic partner.

 

Maybe post something about yourself and I'll try and give you feedback.

[ConfusedOne4]

I'm in my first years in law school. And yeh I'm in my mid-20s.

 

I'm Caribbean Indian, meaning my family is from one of the Caribbean countries, but our ancestry is from India. And for the most part I've gone for Caribbean guys (brown ones) and Indian guys.

 

As for the way I act, it can vary.

- I can be fairly lay back. I joke and can take jokes fairly well. I have some friends who make sick jokes and I reply back with sick comments.

- I play fight with some of my guy friends, so I don't know if that can be seen as aggressive. But, for the most part I treat all my guy friends the same and joke with my close ones the same.

- I can also be very serious at times, sometimes too serious. That could be an issue, I guess?

- When I get close to people, I can get extremely protective. So according to my friend, I come off aggressive when I get like that.

 

As for my appearance, I dress pretty conservatively. I don't wear anything that shows too much skin.

 

Not sure what else I could say...

[jobaba]

I'm in my first years in law school. And yeh I'm in my mid-20s.

 

I'm Caribbean Indian, meaning my family is from one of the Caribbean countries, but our ancestry is from India. And for the most part I've gone for Caribbean guys (brown ones) and Indian guys.

 

As for the way I act, it can vary.

- I can be fairly lay back. I joke and can take jokes fairly well. I have some friends who make sick jokes and I reply back with sick comments.

- I play fight with some of my guy friends, so I don't know if that can be seen as aggressive. But, for the most part I treat all my guy friends the same and joke with my close ones the same.

- I can also be very serious at times, sometimes too serious. That could be an issue, I guess?

- When I get close to people, I can get extremely protective. So according to my friend, I come off aggressive when I get like that.

 

As for my appearance, I dress pretty conservatively. I don't wear anything that shows too much skin.

 

Not sure what else I could say...

 

Hmm. I had a picture in my head of what your scenario was, but it's totally different from what I thought.

 

Law school is probably not the easiest place to meet somebody. Law school attracts pretty aggressive and ambitious individuals. Of course, that's a generalization.

 

If you are hitting on guys from your own ethnicity, then that's not the issue.

 

It sounds like you may be going for the wrong type of guy.

 

Either way, I suggest you stop doing the friends first route. It's not the optimal route to find love. Too much pain and waste of invested time.

 

The women who I've found are the most successful with men are basically big time flirts. They flirt with every guy whether they like them or not. Of course, this might end up sucking for the guys they have no interest in, but it's part of the game.

 

I suggest you learn to flirt more and better and take it from there.

[Turner123]

friendship is a good relationship with each other because we enjoy our life very frankly with friend circle & whenever we meet we enjoy to life.

 

 

 

 

 

Australia Dsssivorce

[ConfusedOne4]

I actually thought I flirt fairly well...and sometimes I flirt without meaning to with "brown" guys. I guess I could always work on it more. I'm normally fairly shy and the flirting comes out in interesting ways.

 

As for not going for friends, I always thought having a friendship as a basis for a relationship would work better. At least getting to know them to see if there was something more there besides looks. I guess that is the naive way to look at things?

 

As for going for the wrong type of guy. IDK what I'm doing wrong. I went for the quiet guy first (he was my first and only bf, so far, and he ended up being a jerk). Then I went for a bad boy and that obviously didn't work. Now, this guy, he is the good guy type.

So, I'm not sure what type I should be trying for. Like I said in my first post, I didn't even pursue him (not really), the feelings just starting coming up after we spent a lot of time around each other.

 

BTW I agree with you on the aggressive and ambitious people comment about law students. A good number of people here are like that, but then the rest of us are so helpful to each other.

[brokenTom]

Just throwing this out there as another possibility to consider... maybe the guy just doesn't want a girlfriend right now. I mean, when I was in school I never wanted one because I wanted to focus on school work. Some guys are like that, ya know. Have you asked him why he doesn't have a girlfriend?

[ConfusedOne4]

Well, I know he is super busy. He has school part-time, work part-time (but his work does take up a lot, since he has to go in on random days when they really need him). On top of that he is on the Executive Board for a professional organization (I guess you can call it that) and we're both now on an e-board for a club at school.

 

I feel like with the amount of time we spend with each other and around each other, the only other thing we need is like alone time to go eat, when we're not with our friends, since we usually sit in groups together or sit around each other between classes and study.

 

But in the end, I feel like what Jobaba guy has been saying is true. So, I've been working on moving on and trying to limit my contact with him, even though it's hard b/c we're in literally every class together, except 2 (I'm a full-time student).

 

Also, I feel like he has been noticing, but I think that is also just my heart hoping he is noticing, so I'm ignoring that and just working on being better for myself and finding someone who is willing to be honest with me.

 

Honestly, I feel like if he wanted to be with me he would be honest and admit that and tell me why he can't right now. And I want to focus on school too and I don't need to be frustrated with a relationship, but having someone at least taking it super slow with and just mainly focusing on school and seeing how things go, I'd be good with that. But, that isn't the case.

 

Thanks for the option though, but for my sanity, I think the best thing would be to move on and if he does want to be with me, it's his loss b/c he should've said something sooner and not expect me to stick around forever.

[brokenTom]

for my sanity, I think the best thing would be to move on

So, if you are gonna call it quits why not at least ask him point-directly how he feels? Are you afraid of rejection? Why assume the guy should make the first move? I respect your decision either way, just wondering why you won't take the initiative and be honest and up-front with him.

 

I realize you did talk with him initially about it, but things change. If you get the feeling he's coming around then there is a chance he is. Leave without saying another word and you may miss the chance with a great guy.

Edited March 23, 2012 by brokenTom

[ConfusedOne4]

Honestly, I think my heart is doing the talking when it thinks he is turning around, but my brain knows he isn't. Also, like I've mentioned before I'm so used to rejection, sadly, that it doesn't phase me as much anymore. But we're finally in a good place again, after me telling him, I don't want to rock the boat by asking him if he is turning around, since if he isn't (which I think my brain is sure of) it will just throw us back to the beginning.

 

I don't think I mentioned this before (in this post, I have another post referring to this situation), but at one point I asked him for a bit of space (a few days), where we just don't talk and I could clear my head. About a little over a week ago we just had a little all out on the table type thing and he mentioned that me asking for that space and me telling him how I felt and some other stuff just made things different. (Not his exact words, but it's pretty much what he said). From that I know he doesn't have feelings for me, no matter how badly my heart wants him to.

 

So, just b/c of that I know he doesn't and the best thing is just to move on.

[ConfusedOne4]

Also, one other thing I forgot to mention. I've always been honest with him about everything. At one point I even told him that he makes me crazy sometimes b/c of how we joke and how comfortable we are with each other.

[ConfusedOne4]

So Tom, I cracked and just asked him to get my affirmative answer. He said No, which I expected, so that's fine. He said he's been watching what he says and does to make sure he doesn't lead me on and what not. I told him I was just reading into small things and it isn't his fault, I was just being stupid.

 

Now, I can move on knowing for sure there will never be anything between us beyond friendship. I also let him know, putting my stupidity aside, our friendship means a lot to me and I appreciate him putting up with my stupidity.

Edited March 25, 2012 by ConfusedOne4

[brokenTom]

I was just being stupid.

Well, I think that's a little harsh. IMO it's smarter to know for sure then to spend more time wondering. I wish you two can remain friends, IME if one person is kinda holding onto some niggles of hope then it doesn't typically last, but if there's a mutual understanding there's a better chance it will last. Good luck

[ConfusedOne4]

I think he did think that this story was over and done with when I told him how I felt at the beginning, so I'm sure he was surprised I still had feelings. But, I think we're gonna get through it. I know where he stands for sure and his response killed all hope. He also said that he plans on still watching what he says & does b/c he doesn't want to lead me on and he wants me to tell him if he does anything that I'm interpreting wrong.

 

He is a really good guy, so that is what I fell for and I'm more than happy just being friends and letting go of "my stupidity" (as I call it), in order to remain friends and hopefully be really good friends in time, where we can laugh about how silly this whole thing was.

 

And thanks for the advice. It definitely is better to know then having the what ifs floating around. :-)

Edited March 26, 2012 by ConfusedOne4