Help!

[scared2Balone]

The worst thing just happened. For information about my marriage you can look back on my past posts. I hadn't spoke to my ex since saturday night and I couldn't help it so I just had to text him to see what was going on. He called me back, we got into an argument, I asked him what he did yesterday and his response was I don't remember I think I just went to the store. Maybe he was just busy and not concentrating because he said he was working on his, well, our car. I had went and picked up the tags for our new car today and wasn't going to say anything about it, but when I asked him about us getting back together he said that I was the one who threw it all away and he wasn't coming back until I changed. WHAT THE HECK!!!! He was in front of his dad so I am sure that is why he is putting up this huge front but I told him if he didn't come back home he might as well consider us as not getting back together, he said well I guess you can consider us not getting back together so I told him that since he lied to me about giving me money each week then he can just forget about getting the car tags. He told me that if I didn't give over the car tags he would just see me in the hospital and I hung up on him when he said that. I think I am going crazy, I want him back so bad, even after he does such horrible things to me. After the way he acted this weekend about wanting to get back together I was sure he was going to come home soon, now I don't think he is and it is driving me crazy. I got worried that by holding those tags that I was doing something illegal so I called down to the sherriffs office and asked, he said that since the car is in both names I am fine. I can't live like this, I feel like I can't live without him, I need help.

[molly]

oh scared...girl...

i responded to one of your previous posts because the similarities between our bipolar exes seemed uncanny. mine walked out on me for the last time a couple of months ago. initially i chased after him, but then once the anger stage kicked in, i mustered up the strength to establish a no contact policy. i'm skipping some here, but see my previous posts for more details. frankly so much has happened that its sometimes hard for me to keep track of the sequence. lately my ex has been prank calling me at reasonable hours like 4:30 am. my ex doesn't have a light case of bipolar disorder, in many ways he IS his disorder. he's currently medicated, but due to the stress of recently losing his mother, i believe he is having at the very least a hypomanic episode. and like many with this disease, he frequently turns to booze as a means of self-medication. i think those late night calls are alcohol-induced. but here's the thing...

i, too, have felt often that i simply couldn't live without this man in my life. that i'd rather just dissolve into nothingness than go on another day without him. but the mere fact that as i'm writing you now and am able to think about my him with a certain amount of emotional detachment, is revealing as to just how far i've come in a relatively short period of time. scared, 2 months ago i honestly didn't care if i lived or died. it was HELL. and all the self-empowering psychobabble in the world didn't, couldn't, make me feel better. see, the thing with bipolars...and just some really charasmatic people in general...is that not only do they have the ability to make us feel like ****, but they can just as often make us feel on top of the world. my ex really sold me on the soulmate idea...he had me believing that it was me and him against the world forever, baby. and jeez, when he wasn't throwing a manic fit, destroying my apartment, or in a suicidal coma...he was the sweetest, most charming guy on the planet. he really did make me feel like a million bucks. i could go on and on about all that but i'm sure i don't need to. you probably know as well as i do the uniquely dr. jekyll mr. hyde split most bipolars contend with. and everyone around them contends with it too, scared. what i'm realizing now is that being on that roller coaster for so long has made me really tired. i had no idea until recently just how much i've adjusted my own personality over the years just to appease my ex and his many mood swings. all that work has left me exhausted!

its still hard sometimes, though. i'm convinced that nobody will ever make me feel precisely the way he was able to. as beautiful, capable, intelligent, etc. but then again, his love turned out to be fair-weathered..cos when the going got tough, he got going. this is a mantra i have to keep repeating to myself, particularly on those days when i feel like breaking the silence and contacting him. that in reality, he will probably NEVER change. that even if things are stable for a while, that just as soon as i think i can relax, whether it takes 10 months or 5 years, sooner or later he will collapse under the pressure and pull his disappearing act again. and scared, i'm not sure i can go through it again. the last time was just too damn hard. so maybe these are questions you should be asking yourself too. you're only 21, and smart and ambitious. what you're going through right now, is this what you want for the rest of your life? only you can answer that for yourself. its heartbreaking right now, i know, but i've a feeling that it will only get worse each time this happens. how bout creating some sort of artificial deadline for yourself. that's what i did. i'd say, ok, no contact for the next 2 weeks and then i'll send him a card. only when the 2 weeks came around i'd fight the urge to send the card. then i'd say, ok no contact for 3 weeks, then an email..and you guessed it..the email wouldn't get sent. i found that playing these games with myself actually helped a lot. i am thinking of you scared. let us know how you are.