How would you feel if your ex sincerely apologized?

[mehtaad]

Hello everyone,

My ex and I broke up 6 months ago after almost 3 years of a relationship in which I treated her horribly.

 

I would get very angry towards her about minor things and hold resentment against her for it for months. I was very critical and judgmental of her opinions and behaviors, and undermined her already low self-confidence.

 

She had confronted me about this behavior many times and I did improve a little, but I was in deep denial about how much of a despicable person I really was to her. No one wants to admit to their flaws, especially ones such as these.

 

I would justify all of that by saying that she "deserved" it because of something (minor) she had done recently in order to avoid blaming the real culprit; myself.

 

The weird thing is, I really did love her a lot and showed it all the time...I wasn't a monster all the time. I bought her presents, took her out and helped her out with a lot of issues in her life. I don't understand how someone can love someone but still cause so much pain to them. The thing that makes it worse is that she loved me more than anything and tried SO hard to make me happy.

 

We were actually the best of friends and she knew every little thing about me and I about her. We would stay up all night just talking, she was my first real friend.

 

A month after we broke up, I told her the most hurtful things I've ever said to her, and even though I apologized fervently afterwards, that was the end point for her and we haven't talked since (so its been around 4 months).

 

Although its only been 6 months, I've changed my attitude and overlook on life and have generally matured quite a bit. We started dating when we were only 15 years old and when we broke up, I had just moved to another city for university. I think the independence and break up have really helped me face my fears, better understand myself and grow as a person.

 

I am not sad about my break up with her anymore. Even though I still love and care about her, I know too much has happened to rekindle the relationship and I honestly just want her to be happy.

 

The only thing I feel now is guilt and sadness towards my actions. She's been through various abuse (sexual and emotional) her whole life and instead of being there for her, I just added to the truama in her life.

 

I want to apologize to her for all my actions, and tell her that it wasn't HER fault...those were my problems and she had nothing to do with them. She hadn't done anything wrong and I really did appreciate everything she did for me while we were together.

 

I know it can't erase what happened but I hope it would make her feel better and give her reassurance that she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment, from me or anybody else (she blames herself for her past abuse and I have a feeling that she thinks she always 'deserves' bad things to happen to her and isn't a good enough person to deserve happiness).

 

I tried searching online but there weren't many results at all.

 

So please tell me, how would you feel if your ex sincerely apologized to you for their actions? Should I do this or will hearing from me just throw off her healing process? If so, should I do this a little while later, like maybe another 6 months? I don't want to get back in contact, just apologize and that's it.

 

Thank you so much for reading (I know it was long, sorry!) in advance.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think that it is a great idea and would leave her with some peace about the relationship and her self-worth. Please include all of the details you just posted about. Do it sooner rather then later. It is already about 3 years overdue

[mehtaad]

I think that it is a great idea and would leave her with some peace about the relationship and her self-worth. Please include all of the details you just posted about. Do it sooner rather then later. It is already about 3 years overdue

 

Thank you so much for your reply, and I agree it is way too overdue

I'm not sure whether I should email her or send a letter. She still lives at home and her mom can be a bit nosy but handwritten letter just seems more personal and sincere.

[CC12]

I don't think you should contact her. You admit you were terrible to her and that she's been abused by other people in her life, so leave her be. She doesn't deserve to have your emotions imposed upon her yet again. You've done enough damage. Don't take the chance that you might do more damage by sending her a letter.

 

I agree that she does need to know that she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment, but you of all people should not be the one teaching her that. You didn't teach her that when you were together so you've lost your chance.

 

You can deal with your guilt and sadness on your own. Don't involve her.

[denise_xo]

I don't think you should contact her. You admit you were terrible to her and that she's been abused by other people in her life, so leave her be. She doesn't deserve to have your emotions imposed upon her yet again. You've done enough damage. Don't take the chance that you might do more damage by sending her a letter.

 

I agree that she does need to know that she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment, but you of all people should not be the one teaching her that. You didn't teach her that when you were together so you've lost your chance.

 

You can deal with your guilt and sadness on your own. Don't involve her.

 

This was my first reaction, too. Depending on her personality, it could go both ways, but my immediate thought was that she's probably had enough of you. I admire you for turning things around and working on yourself, though.

[Buttercup84]

The best thing you can do ? go to therapy before you do this again . You might think you have changed , but when you meet someone else you might just go back to who you were .

[dreamingoftigers]

Having been abused in the past I think that an apology and specifics would be pretty validating and uplifting as opposed to damaging.

 

If she is used to a whole bunch of abusers coming, abusing, then going....it would be far better to hear one of them own their own issues and admit their wrongdoing.

 

Both my husband and father have been abusive towards me (in different ways). Both have been cut from my life in different instances and my father (and mother too actually) have been very much in denial about their effects on me. They have next to nothing to do with me unless it is to dump on me or glorify themselves. We have very little contact. When the issue has come up, it is totally invalidated.

 

My husband on the other hand has let me know that I didn't deserve that from

him or my parents.

 

It helps me feel less guilty or at fault for their actions. Just one person believing me, acknowledging me, and validating me feels like when the Sun comes up in the morning and it's rays touch flower petals. That is the only way I can describe it.

 

After coming through a cold night, it's like someone gets it and it allows me an ounce of freedom from that damage!

 

Abuse doesn't just hurt, it damages and isolates. The apology would make me feel less like "a victim that no one cares about." and more like someone worth acknowledging.

[mehtaad]

This was my first reaction, too. Depending on her personality, it could go both ways, but my immediate thought was that she's probably had enough of you. I admire you for turning things around and working on yourself, though.

 

Thanks for your honesty CC12 and denise_xo. I'm having the same exact thoughts, she may not believe my apology or get angry for what she might perceive as me trying to wedge myself into her life (which is not my intention).

She has a habit of attracting people with a lot of problems relationship-wise and the next one might even be worse.

But I guess its her life and she has to figure it out on her.

[mehtaad]

This was my first reaction, too. Depending on her personality, it could go both ways, but my immediate thought was that she's probably had enough of you. I admire you for turning things around and working on yourself, though.

 

The best thing you can do ? go to therapy before you do this again . You might think you have changed , but when you meet someone else you might just go back to who you were .

 

Thanks Buttercup84, I have been going to therapy which had been the cause of my realizations. I'm also afraid I might go back to those behaviors in the next relationship which is why I'm taking a long break before getting into another one and using the time to understand myself further. I don't want to put anyone else through that again, no one deserves that.

[mehtaad]

Having been abused in the past I think that an apology and specifics would be pretty validating and uplifting as opposed to damaging.

 

If she is used to a whole bunch of abusers coming, abusing, then going....it would be far better to hear one of them own their own issues and admit their wrongdoing.

 

Both my husband and father have been abusive towards me (in different ways). Both have been cut from my life in different instances and my father (and mother too actually) have been very much in denial about their effects on me. They have next to nothing to do with me unless it is to dump on me or glorify themselves. We have very little contact. When the issue has come up, it is totally invalidated.

 

My husband on the other hand has let me know that I didn't deserve that from

him or my parents.

 

It helps me feel less guilty or at fault for their actions. Just one person believing me, acknowledging me, and validating me feels like when the Sun comes up in the morning and it's rays touch flower petals. That is the only way I can describe it.

 

After coming through a cold night, it's like someone gets it and it allows me an ounce of freedom from that damage!

 

Abuse doesn't just hurt, it damages and isolates. The apology would make me feel less like "a victim that no one cares about." and more like someone worth acknowledging.

 

Dreamingoftigers, those were my thoughts as well. She's received the blame (from herself and others) for the sexual abuse and the mental abuse from her mom is still on going and I know it will never stop.

I feel like one apology would help her, I don't want this to be the same as the cases above.

A past abuser actually acknowledging their abuse is pretty rare and might indirectly give her reassurance that the other abuse also isn't get fault...the abuses thselves are the ones with the problem.

I'm still not sure what to do, there are good arguments for both scenarios but you guys have given me a lot to think about, thank you.

[mehtaad]

I think you should leave her alone, man. You only want to send her an apology to make yourself feel better. Even if you did apologize to her it wouldn't change anything, and most likely wouldn't mean anything to her.

 

To answer your question I would not even want to stick around listening to my ex trying to apologize to me for what she put me and our son through. Not worth it.

 

Thanks SlickShot, you're right. Shes already made up her opinion on me and it would be hard to change that. Thanks for the reply!

[mehtaad]

I feel I should also mention that when we finally broke it off, during one of our conversations of why we should end it (it was really hard for both of us to do) she told me that I should go find someone else with less problems, and someone better than her.

If she felt that way back than, I can't be sure that she doesn't feel that way even now...that it ended because she wasn't good enough for me.

 

That's utter bull. In all honesty, one of the reasons I acted so jealous and possessive was because I felt she was too good for me and my faults, and she would leave once she realized this. Such an ugly truth, but that's what it was. I made her feel the way I felt. Inadequate and undeserving of a good, loving relationship.

 

It pains me to think that she might still feel that way...and since she's had that mindset for 3 years, I doubt the last 6 months have changed her that much (she's very stubborn and once she's made up her mind about something, she refuses to budge...not sure if that would apply to this situation).

 

I just wanted to show you guys why I thought about this whole apology in the first place. Her whole life people have abused her, told her she deserved it, and walked away. Most people she's cared about/loved have abandoned her without looking back and just for once, I want her to experience something else.

 

An abuser who apologizes and really regrets their mistakes. I want to let her know that she is an amazing person and she should never forget this. People who have wronged her have done so because of THEIR faults, not hers. She was just an innocent victim.

 

I really don't want her to end up with someone else with a bag full of problems. I want her to be happy and see her worth.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I wouldn't believe him. He could tell me the sun was out and I would run to the window to check. It really does depend on the person, but he lied about so many things, an apology would be no different.

[CopingGal]

My ex has lied to me while he was explaining why he lied. It would want to believe him, but would have to keep teling myself he is probably lying. My ex is a compulsive liar and never apologizes unless he has some kind of agenda.

[BewitchedandBothered]

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is one my ex always used. or "well you did this...." etc. Basically everything he did that was hurtful was because I caused it in his eyes.

[CopingGal]

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is one my ex always used. or "well you did this...." etc. Basically everything he did that was hurtful was because I caused it in his eyes.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way is a piece of junk. It's apologizing without really apologizing. It's not a true apology. When someone says that, the person does not take responsibility when he or she says that.

 

BewitchedandBothered, I've read a lot of your posts and it is apparent to me that your ex is a complete bombaclot and a nauseating fool.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I'm sorry you feel this way is a piece of junk. It's apologizing without really apologizing. It's not a true apology. When someone says that, the person does not take responsibility when he or she says that.

 

BewitchedandBothered, I've read a lot of your posts and it is apparent to me that your ex is a complete bombaclot and a nauseating fool.

 

There was one time he wanted me to apologize to him for something-in my heart it didn't feel right, I could hear him smiling on the phone, if you know what I mean, when I gave in and apologized. He had respect for these other women and would get angry if I said something that may offend them; he wanted me to apologize to this one woman he always kept bringing up. I didn't like her flirting on his page and I made a remark, but then deleted it. He saw it in his email and flipped out on me and demanded that I apologize to her.

 

He and she blocked me (he blocked and unblocked me many, many, many times). CopingGal, that's my point, everyone saw he was a tool and a few tried warning me about him. I am starting to doubt he will stop this douchebaggery just because he has a new girl. Unless she is so spectacular that he had a life altering epiphany.

[CopingGal]

It was mean to put you through that. I know what it's like to have women thrown in your face again and again and again. That's why I went NC. The only way to stop the psychological abuse was to completely kick him out of my life. I removed every single thing he ever gave me from my home. I'm prepared to go to the police should he start contacting me again. I had to stand up for myself against that self-centered pile of garbage.

[tornangel]

Agree with Bewitched , and sorry nothing against you but why would you put her thru all of that abuse if you loved her ? That is NOT LOVE at all. And u saying now that u loved her is telling me you have def not changed. And I feel ur intentions are for urself not her. To try to make urself feel better about being so crappy to a woman u "loved". I have been in alot of abusive relationships and trust me, I wouldnt believe any of them who said they were sorry. I LOVE my child , she is 14 and can get pretty mouthy , so when she tests me to my wits end, because I LOVE her I walk away and dont verbally or physically abuse her. I would rather cut my tongue out or my hands off. U need to realize one thing abuse is not about LOVE it is about CONTROL

[betterdeal]

Thank you so much for your reply, and I agree it is way too overdue

I'm not sure whether I should email her or send a letter. She still lives at home and her mom can be a bit nosy but handwritten letter just seems more personal and sincere.

 

I like the idea of a letter. If you can deal with her mother reading it, that says something to me about the words in the letter. It says you mean them, they are heartfelt and honest. It may be embarrassing but a pinch of humility and confidence in your own truth is all that's needed to deal with that.

[Black Jack]

Agree with Bewitched , and sorry nothing against you but why would you put her thru all of that abuse if you loved her ? That is NOT LOVE at all. And u saying now that u loved her is telling me you have def not changed. And I feel ur intentions are for urself not her. To try to make urself feel better about being so crappy to a woman u "loved". I have been in alot of abusive relationships and trust me, I wouldnt believe any of them who said they were sorry. I LOVE my child , she is 14 and can get pretty mouthy , so when she tests me to my wits end, because I LOVE her I walk away and dont verbally or physically abuse her. I would rather cut my tongue out or my hands off. U need to realize one thing abuse is not about LOVE it is about CONTROL

 

I wholeheartedly agree. I think it would be good if the OP just left her alone. Let her tend to her wounds.

[fallenenvy]

having been abused both mentally and physically by one of my ex's.. it would depend on HOW he apologized... im sure he would only give it a go to try to get me back into bed which wouldn't happen EVER...

 

HOWEVER

 

if he was sincere sounding as you OP i might buy it.... and probably feel some closure.. but then i would go right back to living my life and having nothing to do with him...

 

Honestly.. i'd say go for it... tell her you arn't looking for anything from her not even a response BUT (insert your heartfelt apologies here) and wish her the best....

 

But hey.. everyones different..

[rn0408]

Hello everyone,

My ex and I broke up 6 months ago after almost 3 years of a relationship in which I treated her horribly.

 

I would get very angry towards her about minor things and hold resentment against her for it for months. I was very critical and judgmental of her opinions and behaviors, and undermined her already low self-confidence.

 

She had confronted me about this behavior many times and I did improve a little, but I was in deep denial about how much of a despicable person I really was to her. No one wants to admit to their flaws, especially ones such as these.

 

I would justify all of that by saying that she "deserved" it because of something (minor) she had done recently in order to avoid blaming the real culprit; myself.

 

The weird thing is, I really did love her a lot and showed it all the time...I wasn't a monster all the time. I bought her presents, took her out and helped her out with a lot of issues in her life. I don't understand how someone can love someone but still cause so much pain to them. The thing that makes it worse is that she loved me more than anything and tried SO hard to make me happy.

 

We were actually the best of friends and she knew every little thing about me and I about her. We would stay up all night just talking, she was my first real friend.

 

A month after we broke up, I told her the most hurtful things I've ever said to her, and even though I apologized fervently afterwards, that was the end point for her and we haven't talked since (so its been around 4 months).

 

Although its only been 6 months, I've changed my attitude and overlook on life and have generally matured quite a bit. We started dating when we were only 15 years old and when we broke up, I had just moved to another city for university. I think the independence and break up have really helped me face my fears, better understand myself and grow as a person.

 

I am not sad about my break up with her anymore. Even though I still love and care about her, I know too much has happened to rekindle the relationship and I honestly just want her to be happy.

 

The only thing I feel now is guilt and sadness towards my actions. She's been through various abuse (sexual and emotional) her whole life and instead of being there for her, I just added to the truama in her life.

 

I want to apologize to her for all my actions, and tell her that it wasn't HER fault...those were my problems and she had nothing to do with them. She hadn't done anything wrong and I really did appreciate everything she did for me while we were together.

 

I know it can't erase what happened but I hope it would make her feel better and give her reassurance that she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment, from me or anybody else (she blames herself for her past abuse and I have a feeling that she thinks she always 'deserves' bad things to happen to her and isn't a good enough person to deserve happiness).

 

I tried searching online but there weren't many results at all.

 

So please tell me, how would you feel if your ex sincerely apologized to you for their actions? Should I do this or will hearing from me just throw off her healing process? If so, should I do this a little while later, like maybe another 6 months? I don't want to get back in contact, just apologize and that's it.

 

Thank you so much for reading (I know it was long, sorry!) in advance.

 

She deserves better...sorry. You treated her like a dog and she shouldn't come pouting back to you.

 

I never give second chances for crap they pull off. I dealt with a BPD person, and a dumb person...no chances, no forgiveness.

[MarlaOryx]

Apologize. Definitely.

 

This girl has severe self-esteem issues and is a survivor of some pretty serious abuse. Yes. It is her life and she will have to figure it out by herself, but support and validation is never a bad thing, especially this kind. Low self-worth is the worst, as it effects every other area of life: work, relationships, school, friends, etc.

 

When you apologize, however, do so mindfully. No hope for future reconciliation. Just telling her what you said above. Absolve her of responsibility for your abusive behavior. She deserves some peace.

 

And good for you for owning up to your behavior, especially at such a young age. Keep up that self-improvement and self-honesty. Continue to look inward and ask the difficult questions. Be a good, loving man.

[gaius]

I admire you for turning things around and working on yourself, though.

One of the big myths about therapy is that people who go through it make big changes. Most of the time they stay pretty much the same, except they are now fluent in therapy talk. It really seems to me mehtaad like you're just trying to wedge your way back into her life, there is nothing good that can come from doing this. She's heard your apologies 1000 times before and she knows very well that you're never really sorry for what you do because you just go and do it again.

 

As a girl who grew up in an abusive situation she probably has a part of her that seeks out abuse and you sending this message might give her a chance to revert to someone who's bad for her (you) which would be a pity if she's actually managed to find a decent person and break the cycle. Basically you're proposing to wave a bottle of alcohol in front of an alcoholic and justifying how good it might be for her.

 

If you were truly changed then you would find a new girl to create a healthy kind of relationship with, not feel the need to start up communication again with the one who put up with your nonsense before. Somehow I have a feeling you will end up contacting her though.

Edited March 17, 2012 by gaius