How would you feel if your ex sincerely apologized?

[Tayla]

gaius- I , and many others that absolutely did follow thru on therapy DID change our lives. Its called growing up and DEALING DEAD ON . Some days are better then others. Luckily when people do change they get ALOT of ribbing about it...it takes repeated positive action to "prove" that change has been absorbed. Sorry that you are a non beleiver. Where did you get your research data from? I got mine from living it and doing it!

 

to the OP: I really do hope you get the opportunity to apologize. Do so without "excuses"...I shudder to recall the many lame times a guy has apologized and then tagged it with "gee I was a LIitle drunk ...a little ( insert any excuse you want).

A Sincere apology is said with sensitivity for the receiver and with the humility/empathy to accept the consequences...in this case...she may just toss you to the curb...but say your peace...and mean it. No excuses need be made.

[MarlaOryx]

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is one my ex always used. or "well you did this...." etc. Basically everything he did that was hurtful was because I caused it in his eyes.

Ditto for my ex!

 

Never took responsibility for any of his actions or words. He never once apologized to me. Once he said "I would apologize, but I feel as if that wouldn't be respecting myself or my efforts."

 

Honestly?

[gaius]

gaius- I , and many others that absolutely did follow thru on therapy DID change our lives. Its called growing up and DEALING DEAD ON . Some days are better then others. Luckily when people do change they get ALOT of ribbing about it...it takes repeated positive action to "prove" that change has been absorbed. Sorry that you are a non beleiver. Where did you get your research data from? I got mine from living it and doing it!

I got mine from being around people who went through therapy and didn't change one bit. Noticing that others let them get away with it too was sickening, just because they brought out that therapy card and talked about all their issues in a therapeutic way. It reminds me of back in the day when you could just pay the church to cleanse your sins. Seriously, did anything mehtaad post really make you think he/she has had a big change in mindset? All I see is a person who's happens to be single gravitating back towards the person who put up with their abuse. While armed with a new weapon, after their plain old sorry stopped working.

 

There is one girl who probably owes me an apology, but I wouldn't want it from her. I know she doesn't mean it from experience, and if she sent me a letter one day saying so I would be offended that she thought I was stupid enough to fall for it yet again. The only way my mind would allow myself to think she was serious was if I wanted a connection with her again, and connecting again with a person like that who's so awful for you would not be good for me. Or Mehtaad's ex.

[CopingGal]

A lot of people who do damage to others do it "with a song in their heart." In other words, they feel entitiled to do it. They feel that it is their right to step on people...so no they don't apologize because they literally feel that they were entitled to treat others that way.

[ItsJustTheWayItIs]

I think a letter revealing your abuse may be healing (if it is not to try and win her back, but done with a sincere heart). I left my husband, whom I still love very much, about 5 weeks ago due to verbal/emotional abuse and to be honest I would LOVE a sincere letter of apology.

 

He, like others have posted, blamed me for everything that ever went wrong in our relationship...even though he is an alcoholic that tried to control the hell out of me, and we did nothing unless it was convienent to him, his daughter, and his alcohol.

 

I would still not go back to him (and have maintained NC), but I would love to know that he realises what a piece of sh*t he is/was.

[Tayla]

I got mine from being around people who went through therapy and didn't change one bit. Noticing that others let them get away with it too was sickening, just because they brought out that therapy card and talked about all their issues in a therapeutic way. It reminds me of back in the day when you could just pay the church to cleanse your sins. Seriously, did anything mehtaad post really make you think he/she has had a big change in mindset? All I see is a person who's happens to be single gravitating back towards the person who put up with their abuse. While armed with a new weapon, after their plain old sorry stopped working.

 

There is one girl who probably owes me an apology, but I wouldn't want it from her. I know she doesn't mean it from experience, and if she sent me a letter one day saying so I would be offended that she thought I was stupid enough to fall for it yet again. The only way my mind would allow myself to think she was serious was if I wanted a connection with her again, and connecting again with a person like that who's so awful for you would not be good for me. Or Mehtaad's ex.

 

gaius, thank you ! You confirmed what I said to be true! When people do change thru behavior and move on from injuires, they get ribbing from others. Some people like to keep people boxed , caged and un-repairable...You fit that mentality ....May you broaden your mind and actions someday...til then..I am ever so sorry to read such negativity about people....I like to think people can change and do...for the better.....

[CopingGal]

Sometimes I get so angry at the abuse my ex inflicted on me, in the relationship, and after I met him. How could someone who claimed to love me do all of those terrible things to me? How? How could he just crap all over me, all over us and then happily skip along to the next person?

 

How could he come up with every excuse under the sun to see me only once every two weeks or less...many times less than that (no money, time with autistic son, etc.) and then travel to my city all the time to see the woman he cheated on me with?

 

How could he tell me that he was counting the days until he saw me again, when he wouldn't see me because he spent his money on HER?

 

How could he? How could he tell me stories about him being with his autistic son when he was cheating on me with HER? How could he?

 

How could he do so, so much damage, to me, rip my heart to shreds, make me physically sick and then tell me it was ALL WORTH IT TO HIM? How?

 

And then after he treated me so badly, how could he harass me and try to force me to stay in his life while he was still with the woman he cheated on me with? How? How could he harass me to the point that I had to call the police? How could he give me intimate details about them and text me about them getting married, 3 months after we broke up? How could he invite me to the wedding after I found out he cheated on me and felt almost destroyed?

 

How could he then tell the world on Facebook that he wouldn't change a thing about last year? How?

 

I guess I'm started to sound alot like you, BewitchedandBothered. I told people I stopped asking those questions a long time ago. Funny how they emerged again today. I guess I will use the same answer I gave you to every one of your questions about your ex:

 

Answer: Because the man is a nauseating bombaclot!

[shayla]

My ex husband abused me in every way possible. I divorced him while he was in prison for what he did to me. Years later, he showed up at my job crying and apologizing. Turns out that his life had turned to sh*t and he thought that if he apologized to me and made amends to other people he'd hurt, that his life would get better, karma was whipping his a*s.

 

Welp, after his sincere apology, I told him....I forgave you years ago, your apology is BS. so let's let bygones be bygones, and you can get the fu*king he*l on. The ladies in the library (where I work) were never the same after hearing that come out of my mouth. Oh well.

 

She may appreciate your apology, but I have my doubts. If you were really cruel to her, she may see it as you just trying to get into heaven.

[shayla]

Sometimes I get so angry at the abuse my ex inflicted on me, in the relationship, and after I met him. How could someone who claimed to love me do all of those terrible things to me? How? How could he just crap all over me, all over us and then happily skip along to the next person?

 

How could he come up with every excuse under the sun to see me only once every two weeks or less...many times less than that (no money, time with autistic son, etc.) and then travel to my city all the time to see the woman he cheated on me with?

 

How could he tell me that he was counting the days until he saw me again, when he wouldn't see me because he spent his money on HER?

 

How could he? How could he tell me stories about him being with his autistic son when he was cheating on me with HER? How could he?

 

How could he do so, so much damage, to me, rip my heart to shreds, make me physically sick and then tell me it was ALL WORTH IT TO HIM? How?

 

And then after he treated me so badly, how could he harass me and try to force me to stay in his life while he was still with the woman he cheated on me with? How? How could he harass me to the point that I had to call the police? How could he give me intimate details about them and text me about them getting married, 3 months after we broke up? How could he invite me to the wedding after I found out he cheated on me and felt almost destroyed?

 

How could he then tell the world on Facebook that he wouldn't change a thing about last year? How?

 

I guess I'm started to sound alot like you, BewitchedandBothered. I told people I stopped asking those questions a long time ago. Funny how they emerged again today. I guess I will use the same answer I gave you to every one of your questions about your ex:

 

Answer: Because the man is a nauseating bombaclot!

 

Wow, did we have the same ex? Our relationship was almost identical. he married the other woman 2 months after I confronted them. Except for the kick in the gut he got from finding out that I'm seeing someone he knows and feels inferior to....and he introduced us the year before, funny how that all worked out.

[CopingGal]

My ex husband abused me in every way possible. I divorced him while he was in prison for what he did to me. Years later, he showed up at my job crying and apologizing. Turns out that his life had turned to sh*t and he thought that if he apologized to me and made amends to other people he'd hurt, that his life would get better, karma was whipping his a*s.

 

Welp, after his sincere apology, I told him....I forgave you years ago, your apology is BS. so let's let bygones be bygones, and you can get the fu*king he*l on. The ladies in the library (where I work) were never the same after hearing that come out of my mouth. Oh well.

 

 

I am sorry you were abused. I glad you are away from him and was able to forgive him. I don't know when I will forgive my ex. I just don't know.

[CopingGal]

Sometimes I get so angry at the abuse my ex inflicted on me, in the relationship, and after I met him. How could someone who claimed to love me do all of those terrible things to me? How? How could he just crap all over me, all over us and then happily skip along to the next person?

 

How could he come up with every excuse under the sun to see me only once every two weeks or less...many times less than that (no money, time with autistic son, etc.) and then travel to my city all the time to see the woman he cheated on me with?

 

How could he tell me that he was counting the days until he saw me again, when he wouldn't see me because he spent his money on HER?

 

How could he? How could he tell me stories about him being with his autistic son when he was cheating on me with HER? How could he?

 

How could he do so, so much damage, to me, rip my heart to shreds, make me physically sick and then tell me it was ALL WORTH IT TO HIM? How?

 

And then after he treated me so badly, how could he harass me and try to force me to stay in his life while he was still with the woman he cheated on me with? How? How could he harass me to the point that I had to call the police? How could he give me intimate details about them and text me about them getting married, 3 months after we broke up? How could he invite me to the wedding after I found out he cheated on me and felt almost destroyed?

 

How could he then tell the world on Facebook that he wouldn't change a thing about last year? How?

 

Wow, reading this post again, makes me realize how sick this person really is. I knew he was sick where I wrote this...but I realize he is a very, VERY sick person.

[Brit]

My best advice is to leave her alone, stay out of her life permanently! I knew someone like this, and made sure that it was in legal writing that they are in no way to ever visit my sick bed or come to my funeral. Hopefully she has reached a point in which she believes in herself and would rather chew her hand off then hear from you again and fully understands that it was you and not her. You have left your imprint and significant damage has been done and in some circumstances there is no way to apologize for what you have done.

[Brit]

There is no way that you were able to gain the insight in which you have claimed. The world is your stage and people are merely puppets for you parts/scripts you have pre concocted for them. I wonder what part of the therapy was interesting enough for you to manipulate into becoming a part of your charade. When people do not act or measure up to you preconceived notion of how or what part you hae given them, they become useless/expendable and projected onto emotionally in the most damaging and hateful ways.

If this young lady does not react in the way you wish, I am sure what you unleash will be as bad or worse then previously. Go away and stay away from her is the nicest thing you could do for her.

[Brit]

Abuse comes in all forms, after reading this guy's post, he is a rare form of an abuser, and young it sounds, it will become increasingly worse as he ages. They estimate maybe 0.5% of the population end up as these dark, hollow, shell cases of human beings.

The post has hit me hard, actually wished to punch him through the screen. A bit of PTSD I suppose. I have gotten past much of what I endured, and never want to be, 'his victim.' The only true insight of his mind, was in counselling, when he had no idea (was shocked he was telling the truth) what he was telling the counselor was so disturbing, unhuman. She just looked at him, kind of mouth open, not sure if what she was hearing was correct, or what to ask or say next.

When he mentioned that his purpose became, after figuring he was a loner, and liked to be alone, a bachelor, was to make each and everyday a living hell for me. He 'booby trapped' any goodwill I efforted him, and he cut through me like a laser to the core.

When things got really bad, and I was going through a short phase of drinking in the daytime to cope (the wrong way) he purposely would come home with no kidding 10 huge boxes full of wine, every other day, with an evil smile/grin, heckling and saying, here you go my love, all the wine in the world.

Sicko.

[CopingGal]

Oh My gosh, Brit. He was so sick. Sicko. Sicko. Sicko.

[Brit]

Oh My gosh, Brit. He was so sick. Sicko. Sicko. Sicko.

 

Yes, it was an experience I would not wish on anyone. It will take some time to find myself again. I was a very strong willed, fun, happy individual before encountering this man...such simple adjectives would be nice to become once again. It is difficult tp put into words but I stayed in the relationship so much longer than I should have, because I could not understand the behavior, thought if only I did something different it would help. I completely lost myself, throughout this process.

I have to overcome crippling pain, that washes over me in waves, and crushes down upon me. I have alot of work to do, if it is even possible, lately I have been feeling an overwhelming feeling of doom, that my healing may not be realistic.

[Brit]

I have to still communicate with him, which sets me back each time, because he is constantly doing his underlining emotional abuse.....it really takes it's toll. It has been getting really bad, and I do not have the option to numb it, so I have on top of all my other prescriptions, decided to start an anti depressant, which I have always been against. I am like f'it something needs to change, I am literally dead already, what could it hurt.

[mehtaad]

Hey guys thank you for all the replies, I didn't end up sending an apology...still struggling with whether it really would make her feel better or she should just think it was me being a manipulative ******* once again (for which I dont blame her for).

 

Even now sometimes I have trouble accepting how I was to her, because that was exactly how my father was towards my mother and as a child, it really tore me apart seeing that. I resented my father for the longest time for causing so much pain to my mother...which is why it is so hard for me to just leave it alone.

 

I became a monster, someone whom I looked down upon for his actions...the fact that I was no better than him is a such a big slap in the face.

Moreover, I treated her the way he treated me as well. Growing up, I hardly ever heard any praise from him. The environment in my house was of constant criticism and anger. As a child, I grew up feeling extremely inadequate and not worthy of love unless I was "perfect". I also think that I put up a tough, angry, unfeeling exterior because all this happened when I was a vulnerable, quite shy little child. Subconsciously I put up a wall so that I will never be that vulnerable to someone again.

 

I think this was why I was so controlling. There was this girl who loved me so much and I felt I wasn't good enough for her...so I tried to keep her to myself as much as possible. I used anger as means of hiding the sadness I felt, because I saw sadness as being "weak".

 

I know all of this is absolutely no excuse for what I did...but I'm not some cold, masochist psychopath. I AM trying to change and believe me coming to terms that I am not better than the person I think the lowest of...its not easy. But I AM coming to terms with my past and my insecurities because there is no way I want to put anyone else through this again.

 

I don't want to be in a relationship with her again, or anyone else again for a long time. Not until I get all my insecurities sorted out and I can maybe even one day even LIKE the person in the mirror. It's going to be a long time but I accept that.

 

I want to change so that I don't put my kids through the same thing. I never want them to feel how I felt as a child. As for my father, I understood why he did the things he did. His own father was the same way towards him, actually even worse. That's why I forgive him and even feel sorry for him.

[mehtaad]

I projected my own feelings of low self-worth onto her to being her down to my level, to make me feel a little better about being in such a low place I suppose.

 

I don't want to disrupt her moving on process by my apology, and honestly my motive isn't even to ease my guilty conscience. The hardest part is for me to forgive MYSELF, to forgive that I morphed into my own worst nightmare and that the monster still lives inside of me.

 

I just want to let her know my actions weren't HER fault, they were due to my own faults and insecurities. I did love her and I still do care for her, which is why I want her to see that abusers are abusive because of their own problems...she had no part is bringing on any of the abuse.

 

But I think that I've ruined my image so much that she will just see it as some sort of manipulative ploy which makes sense.

[mehtaad]

There is no way that you were able to gain the insight in which you have claimed. The world is your stage and people are merely puppets for you parts/scripts you have pre concocted for them. I wonder what part of the therapy was interesting enough for you to manipulate into becoming a part of your charade. When people do not act or measure up to you preconceived notion of how or what part you hae given them, they become useless/expendable and projected onto emotionally in the most damaging and hateful ways.

If this young lady does not react in the way you wish, I am sure what you unleash will be as bad or worse then previously. Go away and stay away from her is the nicest thing you could do for her.

 

Brit I understand you feel this way because of your experience but there is no way that you know me enough in order to practically label me a sociopath and want to "punch me in the face".

 

You don't know who I am and what I am doing, so please refrain from making such obscene and offensive judgements.

[ScienceGal]

I feel like I was dreaming, because I probably would be.

In seriousness though, I'd think he was feeling desperate and had no one else to stroke his ego.

[mehtaad]

I've decided to not send an apology. The CHANCE that she may see it as sincere isn't good enough for the chance that it will disrupt her healin process and reopen wounds.

It was a bit pompous of me to think my validation for my actions is goig to automatically make her feel better about all her other abuse. That validation for her has to come in from within, and me saying anything is probably not good to make much of a difference.

 

It's the same thing with me in how her forgiving me iant going to make me feel any better. I have to face, accept and learn to heal my own insecurities and become a better person in order to actually feel better and forgive myself for my actions.

 

Thank you guys for all your replies and thought. I really appreciated it.