Where to go from here?

[powens]

There is so much more to this story, but I am trying to condense it:

 

My wife and I have been married for 9 years and we have 2 children ages 7 and 5. We had always been exceptionally close and though we have had our ups and downs we were best friends through it all.

About a year ago, she came to me one night and said she wasn't in love with me any more. She said she was going to Tennessee (we were in Florida at the time) to stay with her mom for a 2 weeks. She had been very stand-offish and irritable towards me for a few weeks, but she had just started some new medication so I figured she was just adjusting and tried not let it bother me.

The day after she told me she didn't love me anymore, I happened to see a name pop up as a suggesting when I was typing in a website. I looked at this guy on facebook and it showed that he had graduated from the same highschool as her and in the same year. I looked him up in her yearbook and remember her showing me his picture yeas ago and saying he had a crush on her but she turned him down.

I told myself she had probably just looked him up out of curiousity. I had always implicitly trusted her faithfulness, she pretty much never gave any other guys the time of day. I was afraid to ask her about him because I didn't want her further mad at me, so I checked her Facebook profile myself to ease my fears. That's when I found the messages back and forth from them talking about meeting when she would be in Tennessee for a date. She had been bad mouthing me to him, alking about how horrible a husband I had been. I was devastated. I felt so betrayed.

When I confrontedher about him, she said he was just a friend and there was no attraction. The next morning however, she told me she loved him and that she still loved me, but not romantically.

After much discussion, I told her to go ahead and see him in person, because I felt like if she did, she would see him for all hew was, not just a smooth talker on the internet and over the phone. After she went out to eat with him, she came home to me and seemed so relieved, hugging me and telling me what an awful time she had and how wrong she had been.

We went through so much more in the way of fallout from this and my inability to trust her again. We even discussed seperation, but we fought through everything to overcome this.

The problem now is, she has a new childhood (male) friend she is talking to now. She spends hours chating with him on Facebook and talking to him on the phone. She has told (once again) he's just a friend and like a brother to her, so she would never feel attracted to him. She had said she would stop talking to him if that's what I wanted, but that he was her only close friend besides me and she would be upset. I told her to do what she wanted because I don't want to force her to do anything. But lately she has been spending more and more time with him. With what happened in the past I am scared to death. I know how easily I can be replced in her affections.

I feel so lonely, she was always my only confidant and I don't want to talk to any of my friends about what is going on because they are her friends too and I don't want them thinking bad of her or spreading anything around. I have become very anxious and depressed where I had always been very laid back and positive. I've had to get on anti-depression medication for the first time in my life. I feel know like a stranger in her life, like I don't belong here. I don't want my kids to grow up with seperate parents like I did but I don't want them to see us arguing all the time either. And I don't want to throw away everything we have together. I have been far from perfect, but I am more than willing to try to better our relationship, but as long as this new guy is in the picture, I feel so hopeless and alone.

[coopster]

sorry your going through this powens and i`m surprised no,one else has replied yet, and i wish i had a bit more time too as well.

 

Damn facebook again!!

 

Why you letting this happen? its like you`ve ok`ed it?

You need to stop it. She stops all contact with him NOW,

 

She`s lied to you, to your face, bad mouthed you to him...hello??? WAKE UP !!!

[standtall]

Damn facebook again!!

 

 

Satan's notebook again!!

[powens]

The problem is, if she cuts off contact just because I wanted her, she says she's just going to be depressed and resent me. I feel like I can't win either way.

[Yasuandio]

People that use Facebook for this purpose, are not acting as married people. Facebook can be a great forum to share a history of your family and activities with family and friends. The history of the albums grows, and becomes a wonderful documentary.

 

But sadly, some people's who's (even family member's) get wrapped up in the medium and spoil it. Further, when this medium becomes a driving force in your self-exteme,or a popularity contest, it becomes as inane and immature as fast as your immaterial friends grow in number. Sadly, adults pass this mentality down to their kids (or visa versa).

 

I lost a very significant friend due to her, and her daughters downfall into this medium. It became her life blood - the number of friends she could aquire. It was kind of embarrassing to see how possessed she had become with it. Here teenage daughter began to do some irregeglar activities, and made some, what I would consider religious put-downs to the Christian faith. Which is fine. But I don't think it't a good idea for a 14 year old Muslum girl to post such things, and I told her mom. Here is where I made my mistake. I should have minded my own business, period.

 

Anyway, I avoid Facebook. I too am guilty for posting things that are too personal. Also, I am extremely opinionated myself - but nobody really needs to know my extreme opinions, do they.

 

I recommend you insist that this immature conduct on Facebook come to an end - and let that be a nonnegotiable point. Your wife is addicted to using the medium for the wrong purpose, period. I think you have been more than accommodating. Ask her if she would like it to work both ways. I certainly think she would not like you to do what she is doing. That is Mt .02. Yas

[powens]

It has already gone past Facebook, they talk on the phone several times a week for hours at a time. She says its just silly stuff the talk about, nothing serious, but I don't believe that.

[atcta]

I think in my case, Facebook has really taken it's toll on us too, she would lay in bed at night, on facebook for hours, instead of talking to me or just cuddling.

 

I can't take that facebook thing, it makes me want to vomit!

 

The Devil's notebook!!!!!!!

 

See my thread here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/316366-me

[coopster]

It has already gone past Facebook, they talk on the phone several times a week for hours at a time. She says its just silly stuff the talk about, nothing serious, but I don't believe that.

 

 

Needs to stop. , YOU need to stop it , NOW!!!

 

Who gives a S**t what they talk about??

 

She`s basically sticking her middle finger up at you.

[LondonUK]

your wife needs to stop this!! She is clearly disprespecting you by chatting to other men on FB for hours a day, and she knows it by her reaction which is she will 'resent' you. Tell her to make a choice, YOU or other men otherwise, you're out. Throw her the bait. Also, if you don't mind me saying, I think you need to toughen up a bit and show her you mean business. She is walking all over you!

 

I am separated from my husband because of something similar. An old friend (female) turned up in his life after years (I had never met her). She had split with her husband and turned to my husband for support and guidance and he gave it to her in abundance, while pushing me to one side and criticising everything I did. I asked him what the relationship was about as she was spending all her time with my husband and he said they were both 'just friends'. I believed it until I caught them kissing on FB, I read his private messages and saw they had been having sexually explicit conversations. I drove to her house and had it out with her, she denied doing anything inappropriate and said it was normal to kiss her 'friend' of 35 years!!! I then went home, packed my bags and left him. Hardest thing I ever did. He refused to stop seeing her then. Now six months on he wants me back and wants rid of her.

 

Anyway, good luck with your wife. Don't let her treat you like a doormat! sometimes we have to make a stand in life in order that others get our attention.

[atcta]

I wish the sever that Facebook runs on are stolen by the Taliban. I think most of my troubles started with facebook.

 

Today I fell like a thrown-away-doormat.

 

I gave everything, she return nothing.

 

Yesterday she told me that she has never loved me, only been with me 9 years, and married me cause it was socially exceptable.

[LondonUK]

Your wife sounds cruel!! I'm sorry she's being so nasty, separation/divorce bring out the worst in people. I've said some horrible stuff to my husband and he has to me too but try to remember that things said in the heat of the moment or in anger are usually said to wound and are often not true!! The best thing you can do is MOVE FORWARD and away from her.

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]It's really hard to do and some days I feel like my heart will break but I will get there eventually. I have a lot to do to rebuild my life but at least I have a focus. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[worldgonewrong]

After much discussion, I told her to go ahead and see him in person, because I felt like if she did, she would see him for all he was, not just a smooth talker on the internet and over the phone.

 

This was your first mistake.

You basically gave her a permission-slip to break your heart.

And with that kind of license, she would of course feel free to do it over & over again.

And as for all of the equivocating nonsense she says to you? It's utter horsesh*t. People who love each other, in a married relationship, don't do this fence-sitting back-and-forth.