pontellier Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I'm writing this here because I am needing someone else's perspective. I feel lost in my own head. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. He is simply amazing--we seem cosmically connected, he is very passionate, considerate, etc, etc. At the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend confessed that he enjoyed being with other couples sexually. He has not been in a true swinger relationship, but has enjoyed being the third for other couples. I've always considered myself a freak in bed, but after this, I feel completely boring and vanilla. I have always been worried about not being enough for him sexually. I have communicated with him about this and he has said the following: 1)this sexual practice was not something he needed in order to be happy 2)that monogamous relationships were much more rewarding 3) that he is happy being in a monogamous relationship with me. I have been in awful relationships before him, and I feel like I might have some major trust issues that have carried over into my relationship with him. Because of this, I have gone through his phone several times and found out the following information: 1) That close to 1 month after meeting (we were sleeping together, but had not discussed exclusivity), he played with another couple. 2) He was a subscriber to adult personals sites that cater to swingers (he actually told me this---I have not found evidence of him participating on his phone.) 3) There have been people who have contacted him for sex after our discussion of exclusivity, but he has not replied to any of the texts and/or calls. 4) There were at least 4 different people contacting him for sex around Christmas break--he didn't respond to any of them again. He knows that I have been through his phone. He knows that I have major trust issues and has always been very patient with me about this. He insists that he loves me, respects me and has nothing to hide from me. He encourages me to confront him if I have suspicions so that he can set the record straight. He absolutely does not act in the way that cheaters "normally" act. He does not get defensive or try to turn the situation around on me. He is completely the opposite. However, I can't help but feel that something isn't right. Perhaps I have been so badly burned by men in the past that I can't function appropriately in relationships now. It's as if I keep waiting for the day when the veil is lifted and I find out that he isn't the dreamboat I thought he was. His actions and his thoughtfulness make it so easy to trust him, but my gut wonders if he isn't just really good at emotional manipulation and covering his tracks very well. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 However, I can't help but feel that something isn't right. You know, they say to always trust your gut, but where are your suspicions coming from? He's been upfront with you, and even when you snooped, you didn't find anything wrong. And he's being exceptionally accommodating to your insecurities. I mean, look what he told you: 1)this sexual practice was not something he needed in order to be happy 2)that monogamous relationships were much more rewarding 3) that he is happy being in a monogamous relationship with me. He knows that I have major trust issues and has always been very patient with me about this. He insists that he loves me, respects me and has nothing to hide from me. He encourages me to confront him if I have suspicions so that he can set the record straight. What more can he do to earn your confidence? Unless there's something you're not telling us, he seems like a really nice guy who doesn't deserve your distrust. Don't allow your previous bad experiences with men to taint your current or future relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 I'm in the same situation with my bf. He has been very upfront with me, as yours has, and has given me no reason to think that he is doing any of this now. I had some of that in my past as well, back in my 20's. However I have no interest in that now, even if I am contacted by people from my past. Perhaps this is the case with him. It's something he did, but it isn't something he needs to do. There is no reason why he couldn't be happy with just one woman. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, until something happens that makes you wonder, assume that he is being honest with you. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted March 7, 2012 Share Posted March 7, 2012 I would not want to be in a relationship with somebody who is consistently getting contacted by so many other people for sex! That is just gross to me. He's like the little call boy for ALL of these couples?? Idk, I would have serious doubts about his ability to be monogamous. I don't usually hold people's sexual pasts against them and I don't think having a lot of partners means you can't be monogamous... but this situation wouldn't sit well with me. It doesn't seem realistic that he can be so into being the 3rd for so many couples and then just turn that off as soon as he gets into a relationship. I would be afraid that his desires for threesomes & swinging are going to come back eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
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