should i end it or give it a chance? :(

[jmm]

I met someone from online about a month ago. He lives about 3 hours away. Long Distance isn't really the major problem. The date seemed to go well and we basically have either been texting or talking each day. He also has a son which takes up alot of his time which is understandable. He is a very genuine guy it seems. Some things turn me off about him like his goofiness and cracking jokes alot but I know he is a good person and he is very attentive and affectionate.

 

I visited him for the first time this weekend. This may sound shallow but the apartment he is in wasn't the greatest. It seems like he does not have alot of money right now or any..no decor, barely any furniture and the place smelled like smoke (he has roommate who smokes cigs and also the illegal stuff) I don't want to be a snob or shallow so I did feel bad for thinking these things but I didn't like it.

 

I also know the guy i am seeing smokes the illegal stuff from time to time as well. I know alot of people who do it but if i had my way, i would wish he didn't do it at all and that the roomate didn't do it either. I also wished the place didn't smell like smoke as much. I have asthma which usually doesnt bother me but this morning i felt like i couldn't breathe and i still feel the effects now that I am home.

 

He made dinner and we watched a few movies. Nothing major happened physically between us because i felt it was way too soon. He is very sweet and affectionate. Seems like he has a good heart. Just not crazy about the lifestyle right now.

 

I did not like the roomate at all, he was alot younger but he basically seemed trashy to me and like he didn't have a future at all. I don't think i could ever really hang out with him but I was nice to him of course. I know i am not dating him but it is his roomate and i guess friend--so he would be there alot while i am there.

 

 

I didn't mind going home where I can just shower, relax and not be around that. The sad part is--the guy I am seeing really does have a good heart and i know would treat me well. A friend of mine said I should just end it b/c it's not like i am going to move out there, what job would i even get and she actually said I sound a little too good for him and too good to be around that.

 

It was mentioned how he doesn't like the area he is living in but feels stuck because of his daughter and wouldn't move too far until she was able to drive (she's basically a baby--5 years old.) And also his ex lives close by so they can bring the kid back and forth

 

i am 27 years old and he is 31. I just feel scared about wasting my time. I haven't found anyone good to date in YEARS. My serious ex and I broke up when i was 23 or 24. I have been on so many dates and just haven't found anyone--lot of weirdos out there, flakes, they didn't like me, or just no spark.

 

I guess I am really confused if i should give this more time and just enjoy being around him and having someone there who is treating me well, affectionate etc. I know it could end at any time but i guess i feel confused if i am being too hasty.

 

please help

[IfiKnewThen]

spend more time with him alone out of his apartment. maybe he is the type who needs inspiration. like a good woman in his life. i know where he lived turned u off. bu if he can make it there and not be all depressed about it...then sounds like he can cope anywhere. he could be stronger than you think. i once met a guy who lived with his mom in a depressing environment. but he was happy and i like that about him. you sound like u do like him and are just waiting for someone to tell you its ok. you can buy a new couch...anywhere. but its hard to find a good decent guy. he could quit smoking too, you dont want to change him. you cant expect to. but maybe he will be inspired on his own by his love for you and the want for more. ask him what his goals are...hopes and dreams.....then his plans to see them get done. i say give it a chance. but dont go out/ date with him because you feel sorry for him or think youre doing him a favor. thats when ironically he will end up breaking you heart. :laugh: so................if you like him, date him. and see how it developes. if you cant overcome the differences, or it doesnt seem to chance any....then move on...to something else. move forward.

[IfiKnewThen]

opps...ps. yeah the pot thing i think does make them stagnate. talk to him about that. honestly. the pot..your breathing. i think if he really cares...although pot does cloud judgment and makes u lazy. (yeah i said that..love shackers. i have seen it first hand), i still think he would quit for you. tell him as you get to know him better some things are deal breakers for u. that you like everything about him but that. pick your battles carefully. he cant do 1 million things at once. but i hear what youre saying about the pot. to me thats the biggest problem here. challenge him. ask him if he thinks he could quit on his own accord. and if he doesnt want to or seem to be able. get rid of him.

[wildgeese]

It sounds to me like your thought process could be going two ways, but I'm not sure which it is:

 

1. You think this guy is nice, he obviously likes you and treats you well, but you're not that into him. But because it's been so long since you've been with someone and he is so nice, you're afraid of being alone again and giving up this opportunity. So you're keeping him around to fill that void. But you don't really see a future with him due to his surroundings, "bad" habits, and where he's currently at in his life. It's obvious that you feel yourself superior to him, whether that's unwarranted or not.

 

2. You're genuinely into him but are having trouble looking past some issues or you're the type of person that values outside opinions and you're wanting reassurance.

 

What do you want out of a relationship? A well-decorated house, a good job, a non-smoker, someone who is generally more motivated? It sounds like you do (plus more of course) and it sounds like this guy is not it. I know it's not that simple and I'm sure this guy really is very nice. But if you say "I just feel scared about wasting my time" then you probably are. And don't worry - you have plenty of time to find someone. This guy isn't the last lifeboat that you need to cling to.

[hotloader]

I also know the guy i am seeing smokes the illegal stuff from time to time as well. I know alot of people who do it but if i had my way, i would wish he didn't do it at all and that the roomate didn't do it either. I also wished the place didn't smell like smoke as much. I have asthma which usually doesnt bother me but this morning i felt like i couldn't breathe and i still feel the effects now that I am home.

 

If he's a pothead, and you can't even bring yourself to type the words "marijuana" or "pot" because of your contempt for the substance, I'd say it's a pointless venture for you. He's not gonna put down the bowl (a bowl is a device that's used for smoking marijuana) for you or anyone else except himself. I was a pothead for years, and I didn't stop until I felt like it was time. I haven't touched the stuff in many years, but I don't have anything against anyone who uses it. Potheads are generally very defensive when it comes to their habit. There are political and ideological dispositions and arguments that you don't wanna get into with him or anyone else. If it's not your deal then I think it's best that from this point on, being a non-pothead really ought to be a prerequisite for any prospective suitors of yours in the future.

 

I'd imagine that he's probably having second thoughts about you as well, so you could probably blow him off and he most likely wouldn't take it too hard. You guys just sound like you're from completely different camps. There's a lot of nice guys out there who don't smoke pot or cigarettes. Just because you find someone affectionate and attractive doesn't mean you've got an obligation to them or to yourself to date them.

 

This kinda makes me think of this one girl I know. We went to high school together, and we've kinda kept in touch over the years here and there. She's a really nice girl, and she's pretty decent looking too, but I'd never go there and I'll tell you why: She's got some kinda high-level job with the government that she really can't talk about too much. I assume it's some kind of intelligence job, as she can be in town one day, and in a country where people ride camels the next. There's a bit of a tense attraction between us, but I've never so much as kissed her...and never will. That's because I'm a 34 year old punk rocker who's covered in tattoos, and she's probably a freakin' CIA spy hunter. I don't care if she's hot....She'll never be any more than a friend to me, and if she ever tried to make it more than that, I'd drop her as a friend like a bad habit.