Girl never initiates contact/having trouble reading her!

[tornangel]

She isnt ready to be involved , is scared to trust, is not over a past ex, or has to many other guys,or too busy. My best guess would be she is not ready. I do the same thing, the more guys text me --- the more I back away. It doesnt seem healthy and seems selfish, but honestly I tell them I am not wanting to be more than friends. Little contact means selfish for whatever reasons. And if she is already acting like this, trust me you do NOT wanna date her long. Just my opinion.. Sorry

[The Blue Knight]

I'm a more direct person. But I'm also a patient person.

 

I don't like playing games or having someone play games with me. If I was at your point in the relationship and was interested in the girl, I'd just have a heart to heart with her.

 

I'd say, look, I'm into you (assuming that's true) and I'm not really sure where you're at because I'm having a hard time reading you. If you're not into me, I'm fine with that, but I'm at a point where we've been out half a dozen times and I feel like I need to know where you and I are heading, or if there's any point in continuing to date?

 

As others have suggested, be ready for honesty if you're asking for it. I'd rather know that she wants to be friends than to pour myself into the relationship any further by this point. I assume you feel the same way.

[BenH1000]

The OP wrote:

 

"The last few dates, I've really tried to increase the amount of physical contact -- i.e. arm around her waist when walking, occasional hand-holding, etc. We've now had two "short" make-out sessions on the 5th and 6th date, and I can tell that she enjoys it when we kiss"

 

I presumed no lovemaking yet. OP?

 

Correct. No sex yet, just two make-out sessions (which, as I mentioned, I initiated but she seemed to clearly enjoy).

[BenH1000]

Be careful..a buddy of mine is going through exactly this right now. The girl keeps telling him she is interested though something is always coming up when he tries to plan the next date. He keeps texting her back saying things like "I am flexible", which I have encouraged him to not do. He has show he is interested, it's her turn now.

 

Honestly, for me, when the "games" start early or you are left wondering "what's up" this early, something is not right and it's time to move on. Easier said than done I know.

 

Yeah, but the thing is, she's eagerly accepted my offers for going out. It's not like she's avoiding going out or canceling at the last minute.

[BenH1000]

She isnt ready to be involved , is scared to trust, is not over a past ex, or has to many other guys,or too busy. My best guess would be she is not ready. I do the same thing, the more guys text me --- the more I back away. It doesnt seem healthy and seems selfish, but honestly I tell them I am not wanting to be more than friends. Little contact means selfish for whatever reasons. And if she is already acting like this, trust me you do NOT wanna date her long. Just my opinion.. Sorry

 

I get that, but oddly, I haven't texted her that much. I've initiated text convos with her like 1-2 times a week. It's not like I'm breathing down her neck every 5 minutes.

[dasein]

Another possibility is that you are making it too easy for her. This is why I often suggest no contact whatsoever between dates, other than to ask out for the next date, during the early going. This accomplishes two ends by allowing her to miss your company and contact, thus building attraction (provided the foundation for attraction is there to start with), and also to keep you from wasting time on women who aren't really interested in you. Why should you be initiating lots of "chatty" contact with someone you have only been going out with a month? Wait until you know she is interested and worth your continuing effort before any extra-date contact. For me, this is at least 1-2 months of casual dating. More often than not, if she is interested, she will start contacting you casually after the 2nd or 3rd date provided you aren't making things too easy for her.

[BenH1000]

I'm a more direct person. But I'm also a patient person.

 

I don't like playing games or having someone play games with me. If I was at your point in the relationship and was interested in the girl, I'd just have a heart to heart with her.

 

I'd say, look, I'm into you (assuming that's true) and I'm not really sure where you're at because I'm having a hard time reading you. If you're not into me, I'm fine with that, but I'm at a point where we've been out half a dozen times and I feel like I need to know where you and I are heading, or if there's any point in continuing to date?

 

As others have suggested, be ready for honesty if you're asking for it. I'd rather know that she wants to be friends than to pour myself into the relationship any further by this point. I assume you feel the same way.

 

That sounds like a reasonable approach, thanks. Like I've said earlier in the thread, I'm going to give her a call tonight and just get the answers I need.

[BenH1000]

Another possibility is that you are making it too easy for her. This is why I often suggest no contact whatsoever between dates, other than to ask out for the next date, during the early going.

 

Yeah, doubt I've made it too easy for her. I barely ever text this girl (as mentioned above -- typically once a week I'll just send her a text, and it's not even a "how's it going" -- usually something witty that would make her laugh).

 

This accomplishes two ends by allowing her to miss your company and contact, thus building attraction (provided the foundation for attraction is there to start with), and also to keep you from wasting time on women who aren't really interested in you. Why should you be initiating lots of "chatty" contact with someone you have only been going out with a month? Wait until you know she is interested and worth your continuing effort before any extra-date contact. For me, this is at least 1-2 months of casual dating. More often than not, if she is interested, she will start contacting you casually after the 2nd or 3rd date provided you aren't making things too easy for her.

 

We've now been going out for over a month (5 weeks). Not sure I can wait another 3 weeks to find out if she's legit interested.

 

One thing I failed to mention is that she pulls out the "we should do this sometime", "next time we get together" stuff on our dates. Why would she say that is she didn't want to keep going out? Argghhh...women.

[dasein]

One thing I failed to mention is that she pulls out the "we should do this sometime", "next time we get together" stuff on our dates. Why would she say that is she didn't want to keep going out? Argghhh...women.

 

All the more reason for keeping it binary. Call. Ask out. If she says yes, take her out. If date goes to -your- liking, ask out again. If not, stop asking her out. Let physical interaction be the guide as to where things are headed, not "clearing the air," or bringing up heavy topics such as "what are we?" If she isn't expressing heavy sexual response or you aren't sleeping with her after several more dates, move on.

 

Take everything they say before exclusivity, other than "yes" to dates or "that feels GREAT" during dates, things like "we should do x next time," as just noise because that's exactly what it is. Meaningless female noise.

[carhill]

Take everything they say before exclusivity, other than "yes" to dates or "that feels GREAT" during dates, things like "we should do x next time," as just noise because that's exactly what it is. Meaningless female noise.

 

Yep, honed over decades to persuade without guilt or shame, as there's nothing intrinsically 'wrong' with dangling carrots. It's really quite marvelous to watch. I've been observing this in the female real estate agents I've been interfacing with lately. Science and business all mixed together

[USMCHokie]

I don't understand why guys would put up with crap like this...is it the thrill or challenge of the "chase" that is so appealing...? Or are you particularly hard up for dates that you're willing to rationalize dating someone who doesn't meet your standards for communication and/or interest...?

[BenH1000]

I don't understand why guys would put up with crap like this...is it the thrill or challenge of the "chase" that is so appealing...? Or are you particularly hard up for dates that you're willing to rationalize dating someone who doesn't meet your standards for communication and/or interest...?

 

It's more that I can sense a good connection with this girl...except for the communication. Willing to work through it if I knew for sure she was interested though.

 

Would a girl keep going out with a guy if she wasn't fully invested in dating him? If not, wouldn't that make her the one who's "hard up" for dates?

[USMCHokie]

It's more that I can sense a good connection with this girl...except for the communication. Willing to work through it if I knew for sure she was interested though.

 

This is interesting...so what is your "connection" based on if not communication...?

 

Would a girl keep going out with a guy if she wasn't fully invested in dating him? If not, wouldn't that make her the one who's "hard up" for dates?

 

Yes, especially if you're paying and showering her with attention. She'll keep it up until she finds someone she's actually interested in...

[carhill]

One potential explanation:

 

She likes that you like her.

[BenH1000]

This is interesting...so what is your "connection" based on if not communication...?

 

Common interests, good conversation, my ability to make her laugh, passionate kisses, etc.

 

Yes, especially if you're paying and showering her with attention. She'll keep it up until she finds someone she's actually interested in...

 

But she offers to pay and, in fact, has split a couple meals now (even though I was very reluctant to let her do this]. And definitely not "showering" her with attention. More like "intermittent periods of light sprinkling"

[USMCHokie]

Insecure girls would go on Dates with you, without actually liking you in any way, only that you like them...sad really, but we Men waist money and time on these girls before we get the point...been there...lost money and time...

 

but now am better to see it quicker....live and learn...at least I get sex from some of them...but you have to be willing to lose them for sex....you give but then say, sorry. i think we should just be platonic friends.....then they give you sex, if they are really insecure and desperate for attention....

 

Insecure guys do this too...

[twinkles]

Don't fret Ben. I don't like to initate contact either. Not because I don't like the person it's just that I was raised to have the men do the persuing.

 

I was once asked by a guy to please do some intitiating. I didn't know it was a problem for him until he said so. I did my best but it still felt awkward.

 

I'm not a fan of the phone maybe she isn't either.

[The Blue Knight]

That sounds like a reasonable approach, thanks. Like I've said earlier in the thread, I'm going to give her a call tonight and just get the answers I need.

 

For what it's worth, I'd rather meet in person if it were me because I can read people better in person. But that's more about your own comfort zone. Do what feels right to you.

[BenH1000]

For what it's worth, I'd rather meet in person if it were me because I can read people better in person. But that's more about your own comfort zone. Do what feels right to you.

 

Yeah, the more I think about it -- I might just ask her out again. A) She says yes most likely, meaning she's at the very least somewhat interested. B) Assuming A happens, I can "gently" bring it up when I'm with her, in a face-to-face setting. Agree that it's less awkward than doing it over the phone where she won't be able to read my body language and could potentially misread what I'm saying.

[The_Joker]

Yeah, doubt I've made it too easy for her. I barely ever text this girl (as mentioned above -- typically once a week I'll just send her a text, and it's not even a "how's it going" -- usually something witty that would make her laugh).

 

 

 

We've now been going out for over a month (5 weeks). Not sure I can wait another 3 weeks to find out if she's legit interested.

 

One thing I failed to mention is that she pulls out the "we should do this sometime", "next time we get together" stuff on our dates. Why would she say that is she didn't want to keep going out? Argghhh...women.

 

Great! Next time you two are on a date, and she says this, then you reply with "Ok great! You let me know when/You set up a time/You plan it" Probably say it with more subtlety than that of course, and see what happens There's your golden opportunity, I mean, she probably likes you, but doesn't see the relationship as the highest of priority, :S so the once a week type of things are convenient and good for her, and since you're planning them, she's happy to stay that way.

 

On the other hand, as I mentioned previously, I am suspicious about no texting/calling to initiate anything, I'd assume she misses you, but then again if it really isn't too big of a priority for her and it doesn't sound like she has invested a lot into this relationship so far, then she might be just hanging on as it goes by. The best would be to talk to her face-to-face, gently bring it up, since you have decided to call her again to meet up.

[BenH1000]

*Update*

 

Called her last night -- she didn't answer.

 

Sends me a text about an hour later saying "sorry I missed your call. what's up?"

 

We text back-and-forth for a while just talking about each other's weekends.

 

At the end of our text convo, I tell her that I'm going to bed. I then say that I've had a lot of fun on our dates so far and that I hope to see her again soon.

 

She responds back by saying "Me too. We should go out again soon."

 

To which I then tell her "Definitely. Let me know when you want to do something and we will".

 

Boom. Put the ball in her court. I can now remove myself from her without feeling like **** -- but at the same time, I explicitly let her know I've had fun and there's interest from my end. It feels like I made the right move -- now I'll know whether she's legit interested or not.

[volkl1996]

*Update*

 

Called her last night -- she didn't answer.

 

Sends me a text about an hour later saying "sorry I missed your call. what's up?"

 

We text back-and-forth for a while just talking about each other's weekends.

 

At the end of our text convo, I tell her that I'm going to bed. I then say that I've had a lot of fun on our dates so far and that I hope to see her again soon.

 

She responds back by saying "Me too. We should go out again soon."

 

To which I then tell her "Definitely. Let me know when you want to do something and we will".

 

Boom. Put the ball in her court. I can now remove myself from her without feeling like **** -- but at the same time, I explicitly let her know I've had fun and there's interest from my end. It feels like I made the right move -- now I'll know whether she's legit interested or not.

 

Bad move in my opinion. Though I understand your intention.

 

One, you are texting again.....stop texting to plan a date.

 

Two, you put the ball in her court and now you sit and wait and wonder.

 

Wait 1-2 days, call her, have a date, time and place planned out. Ask her out. If she says she is busy then and does not imemdiately offer an alternate day, move on.

[BenH1000]

Bad move in my opinion. Though I understand your intention.

 

One, you are texting again.....stop texting to plan a date.

 

Two, you put the ball in her court and now you sit and wait and wonder.

 

Wait 1-2 days, call her, have a date, time and place planned out. Ask her out. If she says she is busy then and does not imemdiately offer an alternate day, move on.

 

Really? Call her in another day or two? Wouldn't that make me look a bit desperate?

 

And the only reason I texted was b/c she texted me after I called her (and didn't answer the phone). Wasn't going to call her back after she texted me...that would have been weird and a bit too aggressive imo.

 

And honestly, I'm not really sitting, waiting, or wondering. I don't expect a response from her, which is fine. Just tells me she's not interested and I'm no longer wasting my time with this chick.

[The Blue Knight]

*Update*

 

Called her last night -- she didn't answer.

 

Sends me a text about an hour later saying "sorry I missed your call. what's up?"

 

We text back-and-forth for a while just talking about each other's weekends.

 

At the end of our text convo, I tell her that I'm going to bed. I then say that I've had a lot of fun on our dates so far and that I hope to see her again soon.

 

She responds back by saying "Me too. We should go out again soon."

 

To which I then tell her "Definitely. Let me know when you want to do something and we will".

 

Boom. Put the ball in her court. I can now remove myself from her without feeling like **** -- but at the same time, I explicitly let her know I've had fun and there's interest from my end. It feels like I made the right move -- now I'll know whether she's legit interested or not.

Well, it's not the direct approach but it might work. Keep us in the loop as to what she does from this point on Ben.

[volkl1996]

Really? Call her in another day or two? Wouldn't that make me look a bit desperate?

 

And the only reason I texted was b/c she texted me after I called her (and didn't answer the phone). Wasn't going to call her back after she texted me...that would have been weird and a bit too aggressive imo.

 

And honestly, I'm not really sitting, waiting, or wondering. I don't expect a response from her, which is fine. Just tells me she's not interested and I'm no longer wasting my time with this chick.

 

I would have texted back saying "Can I call you?" If she is in to you the answer is "Yes!" That is not coming across as desperate in my opinion...it shows confidence and interest. The good ones like a man who is chivalrous and takes the lead...at least in the begininng.

 

Texting in my opinion has made dating soooo confusing and frustrating.