Girl never initiates contact/having trouble reading her!

[BenH1000]

I don't think this means she is not interested. I don't know if you know this but every book tells us to NOT ask guys out until we are in a committed relationship....so this girl may just be playing by the rules. A lot of girls, including me think we shouldn't ask guys out (even though I break this rule all the time). I guess what I'm always told is the man is a hunter and will come after you if he wants you.

 

Thanks. But I'd suggest reading the rest of the thread (or at least the more recent sections). I think you may end up editing your post.

[SJC2008]

This only applies if they are truly interested: There's nothing wrong with taking it slow but this he has to call me bs is not the way to meet a man, especially in 2012 ya know? That's fine if they don't want to initiate contact for the 1st 4 dates/month because they are conservative or whatever. But after that I'm gone with the wind from now on because a month in a player would of been gone had he not gotten any and if they don't see that they are too blind for me. They also need to realize that while they are playing it cool and have their radar on full high while screening us, we are trying to gauge their interest as well. I'm not gonna chase you all over the globe I'm not desperate.In another similar thread a respected poster said a "confident" man would make a move (in the context of in person) EVEN if she is being ambivelant until she let's him know she's not interested. Well guess what, if you don't look like you want to be kissed I'm not gonaa kiss you to show you I have the balls to take the risk of being slapped so kiss my arse because I've gotten the cheek before. The bottom line is that men need to feel wanted to, even in the dating stage. This girl I dated is almost 32 with no kids and I'm 99% sure tha'ts what she want's to but is still unwilling to think outside the box to change her man picker. I'm not saying she should settle but I had to do something to turn her off because you don't get to a 3rd date IMO if there's no interest. She has no idea she had a man at her doorstep, willing to take it slow (within reason) and wants nothing more than to give his heart to a woman. Now it doesn't mean I would of given it to her but like I said she'll never know.

[rich46]

Hi Ben,

 

I have just read all the thread, with interest.

 

Just wanted to say you are not alone, and in fact your situation mirrors my current predicament. I have had a few great dates with a girl (I'm 31, she is 23) and she has always been positive, thanking me for taking her to "amazing places" and even described me as "amazing" in one text). However, she never initiates contact with me. This annoyed me slightly but I put it down to her wanting to be chased, but I never overdid it. Anyway, a couple of days ago, I sent her a jokey message in French (she is Japanese but speaks English and French well)...no reply!

 

Now like I said, I don't mind someone who doesn't initiate, but one of my pet hates is people who don't have the courtesy to actually reply. Do you think I should just wait for her to initiate the next contact? I am quite stubborn with this issue. For example, we are supposed to be meeting up next week to go to Disney Land in Tokyo (as I live in Japan) but I have cancelled my hotel booking and even if she does contact, I'm tempted to be like "sorry I didn't hear from you after my last text, so I made other plans." Is this the right attitude?

 

Thanks, and sorry for hijacking your thread...just thought our situations are/were very similar.

 

Good luck with future dates

 

Rich

[SJC2008]

Hi Ben,

 

I have just read all the thread, with interest.

 

Just wanted to say you are not alone, and in fact your situation mirrors my current predicament. I have had a few great dates with a girl (I'm 31, she is 23) and she has always been positive, thanking me for taking her to "amazing places" and even described me as "amazing" in one text). However, she never initiates contact with me. This annoyed me slightly but I put it down to her wanting to be chased, but I never overdid it. Anyway, a couple of days ago, I sent her a jokey message in French (she is Japanese but speaks English and French well)...no reply!

 

Now like I said, I don't mind someone who doesn't initiate, but one of my pet hates is people who don't have the courtesy to actually reply. Do you think I should just wait for her to initiate the next contact? I am quite stubborn with this issue. For example, we are supposed to be meeting up next week to go to Disney Land in Tokyo (as I live in Japan) but I have cancelled my hotel booking and even if she does contact, I'm tempted to be like "sorry I didn't hear from you after my last text, so I made other plans." Is this the right attitude?

 

Thanks, and sorry for hijacking your thread...just thought our situations are/were very similar.

 

Good luck with future dates

 

Rich

 

I know you asked BEN but I'll reply. DON'T CANCEL YOUR PLANS think how weak that would look about canceling plans due to a non response to a text message. I made a similar mistake. I texted her one night about what she was doing the upcoming week and she didn't reply so I called her the next and two days later I made the huge mistake of calling her out. She killed two birds with one stone. She waited me out to see if I liked her but I showed weakness by asking her if it's time to take a hint. Play the friggin game but don't go crazy over it. I'd say give it another 3 dates to see if she decides to initiate contact. She's testing you to see if you really like her, trying to act not too available and testing to see if your a whimp all by never initiating contact.

[rich46]

I know you asked BEN but I'll reply. DON'T CANCEL YOUR PLANS think how weak that would look about canceling plans due to a non response to a text message. I made a similar mistake. I texted her one night about what she was doing the upcoming week and she didn't reply so I called her the next and two days later I made the huge mistake of calling her out. She killed two birds with one stone. She waited me out to see if I liked her but I showed weakness by asking her if it's time to take a hint. Play the friggin game but don't go crazy over it. I'd say give it another 3 dates to see if she decides to initiate contact. She's testing you to see if you really like her, trying to act not too available and testing to see if your a whimp all by never initiating contact.

Thanks for your reply. You mean wait another 3 days, even if it is silence? I thought I would seem like more of a "wimp" if I accepted that she can simply ignore my texts, and I will still take her on expensive dates.

[SJC2008]

"Thanks for your reply. You mean wait another 3 days, even if it is silence? I thought I would seem like more of a "wimp" if I accepted that she can simply ignore my texts, and I will still take her on expensive dates."

 

I don't know how many days ago the joke was and how many days from now the trip is but between now and then initiate a short text convo with her. You know a quick "Hey! what are you up to" after a 2-3 exchanges just say "ok I'll let you go". Do not under any circumstances confirm the trip or anything or bring it up. That may come accross as week to her. Not trying to fill your head with crap but women seem to test hard these days ya know? Once you make it throught the bs filters than you can get to know her.

[rich46]

Thanks again

 

I texted her on Monday night and it is now Thursday afternoon here. It wasn't even a joke as such, just asking how she was in French as she lived there for a few years as a child, and she knows I studied it when I was at school in England.

 

It has surprised me because prior to that, on Sunday night, we were texting back and forth all night, until 1am, and she was responding immediately. From that, to...nothing. Very confusing.

 

As for the date, it is supposed to be next Thursday. Hmmm...

[BenH1000]

Thanks again

 

I texted her on Monday night and it is now Thursday afternoon here. It wasn't even a joke as such, just asking how she was in French as she lived there for a few years as a child, and she knows I studied it when I was at school in England.

 

It has surprised me because prior to that, on Sunday night, we were texting back and forth all night, until 1am, and she was responding immediately. From that, to...nothing. Very confusing.

 

As for the date, it is supposed to be next Thursday. Hmmm...

 

Sounds like what happened to me. Awesome date Friday night to getting blown off/no communication.

 

This is what frustrates me the most. I mean, how can you have the conscience to essentially lead someone on and then drop them quicker than a bag of dirt? Not to say she's putting a stop to your relationship, but the whole "interested one minute, not at all interested the next" mentality is totally ridiculous.

 

In all honesty, I say you don't send her a text message. Don't get caught up in her silly games, because that's exactly what she wants. Of course, if you think this girl is "the one" -- then send her a text, but otherwise, I would move on. Don't waste a minute of your time on this girl's BS if she's just another girl.

 

I am having more and more difficulty buying into the whole "I'm a girl and I want a guy to chase me" thing. I mean, of course this is rational for the first few dates. But do girls really expect a guy to continue chasing? I mean, beyond the first few dates, it turns everything into a guessing game. "Does she really like me?" "Am I coming across as desperate?" "If I don't contact her, will she start contacting me?"

 

In my opinion, if a girl really liked a guy and sincerely appreciated his presence, then she would make the effort to pick up the phone and either call or send a text. This isn't 1950. There's no more women's suffrage movement. Girls have equal rights. And we all know girl's love their phones, so stop emotionally scarring guys that treat you well and show you a nice time, because at the end of the day it honestly hurts everyone.

Edited March 22, 2012 by BenH1000

[rich46]

Don't let their behaviour get to you Ben, they don't deserve it.

 

I was actually scrolling through the boards a couple of hours ago when the girl texted me...probably only the 3rd time she's initiated since I've known her (since January). "Rich....Rich....how are you doing?" I haven't replied yet but will do soon, not mentioning anything about the 3 days of silence and/or next week's supposed trip to Disney Land.

 

I feel I've got some of the power back and I intend to keep it this way, as opposed to it being something like 80/20 in her favour before.

[xpaperxcutx]

Stop playing games through texting, either reply or don't there shouldn't be an imposed time limit to when you should answer back.

 

Rule of thumb- If dating someone becomes a complication ie. getting together and making dates, it's really not worth it.

 

And honestly Ive dated enough people to know where their interests lie. They're not afraid to initiate and I'm always keen on contact. If it takes them at most more than 2-4 hours to reply ( unless you are certain they are busy with work) or if it takes them more than a day to get back at you, you know their interests are only lukewarm. Lukewarm interests tend to fizzle out. Deal with it. Stop putting all your eggs into one basket until there is exclusivity, guys and girls.

[sid3]

Stop playing games through texting, either reply or don't there shouldn't be an imposed time limit to when you should answer back.

 

Rule of thumb- If dating someone becomes a complication ie. getting together and making dates, it's really not worth it.

 

And honestly Ive dated enough people to know where their interests lie. They're not afraid to initiate and I'm always keen on contact. If it takes them at most more than 2-4 hours to reply ( unless you are certain they are busy with work) or if it takes them more than a day to get back at you, you know their interests are only lukewarm. Lukewarm interests tend to fizzle out. Deal with it. Stop putting all your eggs into one basket until there is exclusivity, guys and girls.

 

Yep, that sums it up perfectly.

 

I see more guys get themselves into trouble texting. Pick up the phone during the early stages. Save yourself the worrying that she didn't return your msg. Yeah you may think she's one of a kind, but I can guarantee she's not.

[stillafool]

Are you sure this girl isn't hiding something? I can understand the playing hard to get and waiting for the guy to initiate all contact and date planning in the beginning as I was the queen of that action. However, it seems strange that you can never reach her by phone and you haven't been inside her apartment after 7-8 dates. Is she still living with a bf? Is she still involved with her ex? I do think she's into you but I think you should have initiated sex after the 5th date expecially if you've been having passionate make out sessions. She may be wondering about that herself. It's not a good sign that she stood you up and didn't call or text to apologize. The reason she may not have shown up that night may have something to do with a bf showing up unexpectedly. IDK but I think there is more to your story than a shy girl who wants the guy to make all the moves to convince her he likes her.

[BenH1000]

Are you sure this girl isn't hiding something? I can understand the playing hard to get and waiting for the guy to initiate all contact and date planning in the beginning as I was the queen of that action. However, it seems strange that you can never reach her by phone and you haven't been inside her apartment after 7-8 dates. Is she still living with a bf? Is she still involved with her ex? I do think she's into you but I think you should have initiated sex after the 5th date expecially if you've been having passionate make out sessions. She may be wondering about that herself. It's not a good sign that she stood you up and didn't call or text to apologize. The reason she may not have shown up that night may have something to do with a bf showing up unexpectedly. IDK but I think there is more to your story than a shy girl who wants the guy to make all the moves to convince her he likes her.

 

You may very well be correct. I guess I'll never know though. And while I'm tempted to send her a text saying "so what exactly happened last weekend" or "so were you ever really interested in me," I obviously know better.

 

Regarding putting more moves on -- I would have escalated more if I'd felt more reciprocity from her end. I'm not going to pounce in for sex when I get the feeling that this girl likes to move slower on the physical side of things. Again, she was so difficult to read that it was ultimately a guessing game 90% of the time. I feel that I made the right moves at the right time with her given the overall context of our "relationship".

[stillafool]

What about the night you said you felt she wanted to stay but you wanted to make her wait? Do not contact her

[BenH1000]

What about the night you said you felt she wanted to stay but you wanted to make her wait? Do not contact her

 

True, but even then, it wasn't blatantly obvious that she wanted to stay. And if she really wanted me to take things to the next level, then failing to invite me in certainly isn't going to make me think that's the case, right? Like I said, no real reciprocity = I'm going to slow things down. Perhaps that's a bad philosophy to have, I really don't know. But yeah, definitely not contacting her.

[trueluV]

Sounds like what happened to me. Awesome date Friday night to getting blown off/no communication.

 

This is what frustrates me the most. I mean, how can you have the conscience to essentially lead someone on and then drop them quicker than a bag of dirt? Not to say she's putting a stop to your relationship, but the whole "interested one minute, not at all interested the next" mentality is totally ridiculous.

 

In all honesty, I say you don't send her a text message. Don't get caught up in her silly games, because that's exactly what she wants. Of course, if you think this girl is "the one" -- then send her a text, but otherwise, I would move on. Don't waste a minute of your time on this girl's BS if she's just another girl.

 

I am having more and more difficulty buying into the whole "I'm a girl and I want a guy to chase me" thing. I mean, of course this is rational for the first few dates. But do girls really expect a guy to continue chasing? I mean, beyond the first few dates, it turns everything into a guessing game. "Does she really like me?" "Am I coming across as desperate?" "If I don't contact her, will she start contacting me?"

 

In my opinion, if a girl really liked a guy and sincerely appreciated his presence, then she would make the effort to pick up the phone and either call or send a text. This isn't 1950. There's no more women's suffrage movement. Girls have equal rights. And we all know girl's love their phones, so stop emotionally scarring guys that treat you well and show you a nice time, because at the end of the day it honestly hurts everyone.

 

hey OP, thanks for your two cents earlier.

 

it's funny and interesting how guys and girls play games, or deal with this "contact" thing. I told you earlier my guy rarely initiates contact since he wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. but how can that be possible? I know he's super busy and tired all the time, and he did all the initiating when we first got to know each other, but now he doesn't sometimes even reply to my text. (well, it happened once last weekend)

 

so since last weekend, i still haven't heard from him. this is very confusing...well, the thing is he did ask me a few times if he could come over to my place but i have a roommate so i told him no several times. would this have been a turn off to him? if not, then asking him if he is available on weekend gave him pressure?

 

gosh, dating is hard!

[BenH1000]

hey OP, thanks for your two cents earlier.

 

it's funny and interesting how guys and girls play games, or deal with this "contact" thing. I told you earlier my guy rarely initiates contact since he wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. but how can that be possible? I know he's super busy and tired all the time, and he did all the initiating when we first got to know each other, but now he doesn't sometimes even reply to my text. (well, it happened once last weekend)

 

so since last weekend, i still haven't heard from him. this is very confusing...well, the thing is he did ask me a few times if he could come over to my place but i have a roommate so i told him no several times. would this have been a turn off to him? if not, then asking him if he is available on weekend gave him pressure?

 

gosh, dating is hard!

 

Funny, the girl I was going out with has a roommate too. Wonder if that's why she never invited me up?

 

Anyway, I would definitely give the guy a call if you are serious about him and, more importantly, you think he's serious about you. The longer you wait, the more it becomes a game for you two. If he picks up, great -- you can then take it from there however you want. If he doesn't and then fails to get back to you in a timely manner, well then you know where he stands and you move on to someone else who appreciates you more.

[trueluV]

Funny, the girl I was going out with has a roommate too. Wonder if that's why she never invited me up?

 

Anyway, I would definitely give the guy a call if you are serious about him and, more importantly, you think he's serious about you. The longer you wait, the more it becomes a game for you two. If he picks up, great -- you can then take it from there however you want. If he doesn't and then fails to get back to you in a timely manner, well then you know where he stands and you move on to someone else who appreciates you more.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

You seem like a very nice & mature guy. I wonder if a lot of guys are like you.

Too bad the girl you were interested missed out big time!

 

I just wrote an email to him. Since he hasn't replied to my text, i felt more comfortable writing down my thoughts on email. as you said, I'll see how it goes, and know where i stand.

i really like this guy, so i hope everything works out with him.

 

anyway, thank you, and i am sure you will meet someone who appreciates you, too.

[xpaperxcutx]

hey OP, thanks for your two cents earlier.

 

it's funny and interesting how guys and girls play games, or deal with this "contact" thing. I told you earlier my guy rarely initiates contact since he wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. but how can that be possible? I know he's super busy and tired all the time, and he did all the initiating when we first got to know each other, but now he doesn't sometimes even reply to my text. (well, it happened once last weekend)

 

so since last weekend, i still haven't heard from him. this is very confusing...well, the thing is he did ask me a few times if he could come over to my place but i have a roommate so i told him no several times. would this have been a turn off to him? if not, then asking him if he is available on weekend gave him pressure?

 

gosh, dating is hard!

 

Hmm doesn't make sense. If he's super busy that would technically mean he wouldn't even have the time to date. So why keep you around as a date let alone a girlfriend?

[SJC2008]

IT'S CALLED COMMUNICATION **** the don't call him and make him want me more or the vice versa for the man. Wha't wrong with a hey got your message I'll call you xxx time. Or let's slow down or whatever. People seem so friggin sensitive. If I'm coming on strong, TELL ME and I'll back off. Just throwing out random examples. Look at the $hit this one pulled with me. Never calling or whatever had me walking on eggshells and I blew it because she had me walking on eggshells. Well guess what, I know for a fact she liked me at first and her game ****ed my head up and I overreacted. Little does she know she had an honest loyal, passionate man ready for commitment (over time) at her doorstep but I didn't past her friggin tests and killed the attraction all I needed was a date or two more to unleash the real me but the want it right away. Her loss I say.You don't get to know someone by playing games you get to know them by dating and communication, that's how.