Wise words from a friend who dated my ex...

[BewitchedandBothered]

I am friends with my ex's ex g/f--during all my turmoil, she heard through the grapevine I had dated and had been hurt badly by him. She then told me that she dated him after we graduated from high school 25 years ago and that he was verbally abusive, possessive, played mental games and pretty much was a stalker. After that, he met his ex wife who told me the same things, but she stayed with him 18 years and put up with this nonsense before filing for divorce.

 

As usual, I was feeling down and talked to the ex gf and she said "you are worse than he is; beating yourself up more than he did; stop it, you are beautiful; he is a psycho!!" Told me to keep trying to focus on me.

 

She is right. I kept beating myself up over it, wondering what I had done to elicit such abuse from this guy. Thinking his new g/f must be some kind of second coming with the way they say he's treating her; already met the family, and friended them all on FB--I wasn't 'allowed' to; friending anyone close to him was taboo.

 

I needed to get it into my head that he is not mentally stable; he would go from sending me texts that simply say "you are evil" to "I'm sorry; it's just that I am alone with my thoughts a lot and these thoughts tend to run away with me...would you like to go to dinner?" then he would go back to calling me a psycho/whore again.

 

I kept thinking somehow I caused him to be angry, but then realized that the things that got him angry were very petty things. His friends would send me friend requests or I would question his behavior/actions.

 

His ex g/f, wife and a friend he tried meeting on fb which was unsuccessful have all told me the same things; he was hurtful and played a lot of mind games with them. What makes me think he will stop just because he has a new girl? And from what I have heard...this new one is a lot like me in personality, beliefs and common interests.

 

it's taking me a lot of time to get past this, but I do believe I will get past it---a year and a half has gone by and I haven't been in the crying stage in a very long time. I waver between confusion and anger, then disgust then missing the guy that never existed. Still, I have a lot of 'why' questions, and I don't think they will get answered. Could acceptance be far off? I know it is there...I just have to reach for it.

 

I pray that one day I don't even think of him, but if the truth be known, I think of him each day and wonder. He wasn't capable of being a friend. He told me once that he does not want to be alone. Therefore, he would settle for anyone he could get. He is in love with the idea of love, but has no clue how to give it. Sending flowers doesn't last for very long, but he thinks a girl can live off that moment for awhile.

 

Anyway, I appreciate any and all feedback. Coming to this site is a huge help. It helps me clear the cobwebs and figure out what's what. Thanks for letting me vent yet again on the subject. I am hoping that my friend's words of wisdom help others, too. Stop beating yourself up so much when you have already been hurt enough by someone else's actions.

[Boo Radley]

Time is very preciuos. None of us can get today back, its gone.

 

Try not to let the past poison the present and future. Nobody deserves verbal abuse like this guy doles out. It seems like its a form of control for him. A broken heart takes time to mend and there really isnt any time table.

 

You will heal. I did.

[CopingGal]

Yep. We just have to be patient. Sometimes I wish I could heal automatically, but I know it will take time. We have both been abused. It will take time for me. It will take time for you. My roommate says "give time, time." In the meantime, we should just fill out our lives with good things. You are among friends here. We care about you.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Time is very preciuos. None of us can get today back, its gone.

 

Try not to let the past poison the present and future. Nobody deserves verbal abuse like this guy doles out. It seems like its a form of control for him. A broken heart takes time to mend and there really isnt any time table.

 

You will heal. I did.

Someone once asks me "who do you think hurts more? The person who broke your leg, or you, with the broken leg?" The person who broke your leg can run off and break other people's legs, while you sit there having to nurse it back to health...but....why does he get to go on breaking legs? know what I mean?

[BewitchedandBothered]

Yep. We just have to be patient. Sometimes I wish I could heal automatically, but I know it will take time. We have both been abused. It will take time for me. It will take time for you. My roommate says "give time, time." In the meantime, we should just fill out our lives with good things. You are among friends here. We care about you.

 

Thanks, CopingGal!! I will take all the time I need; I can't just let go, though I want to; my mind and heart keep reeling in thoughts of what he did. I am scarred. I've been filling my life with a lot of good things and even adopted a dog from a local orphanage. She has been very healing to me. If I am feeling down; she senses it and makes me get up off the couch:)

 

I do feel among friends and I care about you as well. Thanks for helping me and many others.

[Downtown]

I waver between confusion and anger, then disgust then missing the guy that never existed. Still, I have a lot of 'why' questions, and I don't think they will get answered.

Bewitched, the answers are closer than you realize. The behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, blame-shifting, quick Dr. Jeckyl-Mr. Hyde transformations, inability to trust you, always being "the victim," and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW and 6% of the population has.

 

To dispel the confusion, I suggest you read my description of what it's like to live with a BPDer in Rebel's thread. It should help you lose that nagging, mistaken belief that -- if you had only figured out what YOU were doing wrong -- you could have restored him to that wonderful man you saw at the beginning.

 

My posts in Rebel's thread start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good books and online resources. Take care, Bewitched.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Bewitched, the answers are closer than you realize. The behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, blame-shifting, quick Dr. Jeckyl-Mr. Hyde transformations, inability to trust you, always being "the victim," and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW and 6% of the population has.

 

To dispel the confusion, I suggest you read my description of what it's like to live with a BPDer in Rebel's thread. It should help you lose that nagging, mistaken belief that -- if you had only figured out what YOU were doing wrong -- you could have restored him to that wonderful man you saw at the beginning.

 

My posts in Rebel's thread start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good books and online resources. Take care, Bewitched.

 

Hi there, Downtown!!! I will read that link; thank you so much for sharing. I figured somehow I drove him to it and now he found someone perfect that he will show her that wonderful personality I fell for in the beginning. I got the shabby treatment after the bloom of that charm wore off, and now he is charming another and they look quite serious. It hurts. I feel inadequate as a woman.

[stillafool]

Thanks, CopingGal!! I will take all the time I need; I can't just let go, though I want to; my mind and heart keep reeling in thoughts of what he did. I am scarred. I've been filling my life with a lot of good things and even adopted a dog from a local orphanage. She has been very healing to me. If I am feeling down; she senses it and makes me get up off the couch:)

 

I do feel among friends and I care about you as well. Thanks for helping me and many others.

 

Give it time. How long ago did you break up with him?

[BewitchedandBothered]

Give it time. How long ago did you break up with him?

It's been 18 months, but I am at the point where I want answers/closure for my own self. Discussing and analyzing helps me because that's what I do, who I am.

[gaius]

As usual, I was feeling down and talked to the ex gf and she said "you are worse than he is; beating yourself up more than he did; stop it, you are beautiful; he is a psycho!!" Told me to keep trying to focus on me.

Easier said than done! I'm not surprised it's taking you so long to heal up, that's an awful trauma you suffered. The abuse itself is bad enough but watching him be completely different with another woman must just mess with your head.

 

I noticed from some of your posts you have insecurities about yourself and think maybe those had something to do with why he dumped you and is treating this woman so differently. She's world traveled and you're not, etc etc. In my experience most men will just do whatever they think they can get away with and maybe you felt at that time you didn't deserve to be treated well. Encouraged it in a way without even realizing it. That doesn't mean you are any less of a woman than this new one he's got. It just means he knows she won't put up with his bullsh*t.

 

Also knowing guys and how our equipment works, I bet he has performance trouble for her as well. If that makes you feel any better.

Edited April 13, 2012 by gaius

[BewitchedandBothered]

Easier said than done! I'm not surprised it's taking you so long to heal up, that's an awful trauma you suffered. The abuse itself is bad enough but watching him be completely different with another woman must just mess with your head.

 

I noticed from some of your posts you have insecurities about yourself and think maybe those had something to do with why he dumped you and is treating this woman so differently. She's world traveled and you're not, etc etc. In my experience most men will just do whatever they think they can get away with and maybe you felt at that time you didn't deserve to be treated well. Encouraged it in a way without even realizing it. That doesn't mean you are any less of a woman than this new one he's got. It just means he knows she won't put up with his bullsh*t.

 

Also knowing guys and how our equipment works, I bet he has performance trouble for her as well. If that makes you feel any better.

 

I was feeling confident until a few months into the relationship. He brought me down by openly flirting with other women, even asked one on her wall "hey! when are you and I going to get together??", fawned all over another woman's picture 3 times=====right after our first weekend together. I was being chiseled away. He kept comparing me to his ex wife, too. Kept going on and on about how she had great legs, etc. If I questioned why 14 women were saying he is a 'creeper', he instantly blocked me and didn't' take my calls. No explanation. He was giddy when I left a tearful voice mail saying that it was a legit question; that someone started a thread about him and it took on like wildfire; all these ladies saying such terrible things and I simply asked why would they be saying those things. No answer..Block. That was just 4 months in.

 

I put up with everything he did as long as I could. Seeing him with this worldly woman made me feel awful, and then i wondered...what moves did he put on her, what lines did he use. He chameleonized himself to me in the very beginning;whatever I liked, he liked and then convinced me we were soul mates. I am pretty sure he did this with her, too. But....He is so proud that he puts her out there for all to see and is happy to be out and about with her--I was his secret. She met his brothers, I did not. Etc. In retrospect, I feel I was nothing to him and what is it about this new one? My gut tells me it's money since he was obsessed with replacing money he lost during his divorce settlement. He kept saying "I miss that extra income and someone to help take care of the house".

 

And the performance trouble was the last straw===when he blamed that all on me. He would go through icy withdrawals when we were in bed together. I would wear something sexy he told me he loved to see on a lady, he ignored me, rolled over and wanted to go to sleep. Didn't touch me....OR.....there were times he would tease me and then stop and say "let's go out for lunch" or something. Meanwhile I am in pain. You can't start someone up ilke that and then just stop. He did the icy withdrawal thing a lot and seemed tickled that it bothered me. One night I cried myself to sleep; the next morning, he touched my face and felt the dried tracks left by my tears. Seemed happy that I had been crying alone...next to him.

 

The performance thing was a terrible blow to my ego as well because I never had that trouble pleasing a boyfriend===and if I am intimate it is because I am in love and genuinely care for the other person. I am not a casual gal. Initially he was sweet and said he was satisfied just being with me, but later in one of his abusive tirades he said "you weren't tight enough". To this very day that bothers me to no end. I approached his situation with sensitivity and that is how he treated me.

 

I stared reading on the Borderline Personality and he seems to fit the criteria. Had I heard of this term back when it all was happening, maybe I would have healed quicker. If he is Borderline, I can forgive him. I've dated guys who were jerks; there is a huge difference here. You did make me feel better by saying he will have that intimacy problem with this new one also; then I won't feel that it was me that did this, that I couldn't satisfy. They are in their honeymoon period and they can see each other every day---that's what he wanted, someone who can fill his time. When I asked him if it was me he wanted or just anyone---he never answered. Anyone will do as far as I am concerned, to fill his needs of not being alone. "I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE"--His ex wife moved on, now he wants to do everything she is doing. it was a whirlwind of a time and very hard to heal from, especially since he seems cold and detached much of the time. Very detached.

Edited April 13, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[gaius]

They are in their honeymoon period and they can see each other every day---that's what he wanted, someone who can fill his time. When I asked him if it was me he wanted or just anyone---he never answered. Anyone will do as far as I am concerned, to fill his needs of not being alone.

Are you sure that's what he wanted? He did blame you for the fact he wasn't getting an erection (which wasn't true), and did many other things to make you feel like he enjoyed seeing you unhappy. Maybe he said he wanted someone around all the time because you weren't that. He was clumsily trying to figure out why he was unhappy and just assumed it was because of everything you weren't. I don't think you will have any success if you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what happened based on what he said, because his thoughts weren't rational. Just him trying to blame you for his own dysfunction.

 

The fact you never had trouble pleasing a man before just means it was his issue. Why did he put her on facebook and not you? Perhaps she wasn't as receptive at first and he felt he needed to make a harder sell. Maybe some of your insecurities are making it seem like something it isn't (the worldly woman comment again). I think the one thing that's clear is this guy is a deeply dysfunctional person who's unwilling to accept the idea it's his own issue in any way. Always thinks the next woman will be different and then blames her when it doesn't turn out that way.

 

I'm sure a guy who can change his personality to exactly fit you is very intoxicating. Any guy that does that though is never really happy and nothing you can do will make him happy. He's not happy with her either despite outward appearances, I guarantee it.

 

It's not your fault.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Are you sure that's what he wanted? He did blame you for the fact he wasn't getting an erection (which wasn't true), and did many other things to make you feel like he enjoyed seeing you unhappy. Maybe he said he wanted someone around all the time because you weren't that. He was clumsily trying to figure out why he was unhappy and just assumed it was because of everything you weren't. I don't think you will have any success if you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what happened based on what he said, because his thoughts weren't rational. Just him trying to blame you for his own dysfunction.

 

The fact you never had trouble pleasing a man before just means it was his issue. Why did he put her on facebook and not you? Perhaps she wasn't as receptive at first and he felt he needed to make a harder sell. Maybe some of your insecurities are making it seem like something it isn't (the worldly woman comment again). I think the one thing that's clear is this guy is a deeply dysfunctional person who's unwilling to accept the idea it's his own issue in any way. Always thinks the next woman will be different and then blames her when it doesn't turn out that way.

 

I'm sure a guy who can change his personality to exactly fit you is very intoxicating. Any guy that does that though is never really happy and nothing you can do will make him happy. He's not happy with her either despite outward appearances, I guarantee it.

 

It's not your fault.

 

He did tell me once that he doesn't want to be alone and needs someone who is going to be there all the time. As for FB, at the time he was with me, he was still obsessed with his ex wife==I think he didn't want to put me on his wall because it would get back to her. (he blocked her, but knew it would still somehow get back to her). He is very private and the only way one could see anything face bookish, is if he added you. Which is why I find it odd that he made the one series of pictures of him and his new g/f public for all to see--Not too long after his ex wife posted pics of her and new new love interest newly engaged. *she is with another woman and this did him in. However......she is bisexual and has a son from a previous relationship. She told me that she loved him and tried several times to work things out, but he was mentally and verbally abusive. He put her down because her job was demanding; she was a paramedic and then a firefighter. He didn't complain about the money she raked in, though.

 

His ex wife told me he was 'distracted' in bed all the time and she always had to finish herself off. His ex g/f before her, the person who gave me the wise words, also said "he took forever".

 

During one of our final arguments he called me a 'typical woman' and said we are all alike. When he used to say "You are so unique; so different from anyone I have ever known; we have such a chemistry and I don't think I will ever find that with anyone else..." The ex g/f told me that she had to get away from him because he was extremely stalkerish--climbing up her trellis to rifle through her dresser, and read her diary---across her back while she slept. She told me "I couldn't stand him then and I think he's worse now"===she met him to catch up a few years ago; thought maybe he had matured.

 

He has put people down for their job choices..."are you sure that brings in enough money?? Why would you want to do that????" His behavior was odd, then cruel. We had a nightly ritual of talking before bedtime on the phone; one night just like that, it stopped. I called him and he acted cold and distant, said "CAN'T A GUY BE SICK AND GET SOME REST???" The next morning, he texted me "good morning sunshine:) thinking of you today:)" and proceed to ask me to do something nice with him. The ex wife told me he texted her all the time==she had no clue he was dating me. The time frame he was doing this was during the entire time we dated. It makes sense because of his behavior. He would blow up her phone with texts starting arguments, then text her companion and harassing her for stealing his wife. Why didn't he get her out of his system before bringing me into his life?

 

He dissed every woman he was involved with *even friends, and told me they were all psycho with drama and he just has no time for drama.....yet...it follows him everywhere; he causes it. Now he tells people I am psycho, sinister and evil===the very words he used to describe this other woman he was completely obsessed with during our relationship. *this lady wasn't interested in him, so he made it his quest to keep her on his FB page. humiliating for me.

[Downtown]

I stared reading on the Borderline Personality and he seems to fit the criteria.

Bewitched, I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information helpful in your healing process.

He fits the criteria except he never came off like he would harm himself.

The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning people who never do the self harming (e.g., cutting and suicide attempts). When a high functioning BPDer threatens suicide, it usually is just a controlling ploy. The absence of self harming thus does NOT imply the absence of strong BPD traits.

He brought me down by openly flirting with other women.... He kept comparing me to his ex wife, too.

This is called "triangulation," a controlling behavior that is often used by BPDers. As I discussed at the link above, BPDers get relief from their engulfment fear by pushing you away -- and get relief from their abandonment fear by pulling you back. That is, they will continuously alternate between the push away and pull back. And, of course, they do this with respect to other loved ones as well.

 

It therefore is common for them to coordinate these push and pull cycles so as to be pushing one loved one away at the same time they are pulling another back. While pushing you away, for example, a BPDer may do so by being overly attentive to another woman or to a child in the family. The result is that it is common for a BPDer to play a daughter and wife against one another -- or any two people. This gives the BPDer the upper hand in a love triangle. My BPDer exW, for example, often would undermine my relationship with my step kids because she feared they were getting too close to me. Indeed, she once accused me of loving them more than her.

Do these Borderline Personalities last in relationships?

No, not unless they have had several years of intensive therapy -- an unlikely event because it is rare for a BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength to be willing to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. Hence, it is typical for a BPDer to leave a series of failed relationships in his path. He nonetheless is so miserable living alone that he will quickly jump into another relationship at his first opportunity. Lacking a strong sense of who he really is, he needs a strong personality around who will ground him and give him a sense of direction. But when he gets exactly that, he will start resenting her for "controlling" him (which is how he will perceive it, never mind that HE is the controlling one).

He chameleonized himself to me in the very beginning;whatever I liked, he liked and then convinced me we were soul mates.

Actually, he was not as manipulating as you describe him. If he is a BPDer, he was just as convinced as you about your being soul mates. His infatuation over you held his two great fears at bay for several months, allowing him to perceive of you as the perfect woman. Unlike more normal folks, BPDers do not intellectually challenge their intense feelings well. Rather, like a four year old, they truly believe the intense feelings MUST reflect reality.

 

The result is that, between the two of you, HE was more deceived by the infatuation than you were. Indeed, for him, that false perception persisted throughout the relationship. It did alternate, however, between periods of idealizing you (i.e., "splitting you white") and periods of devaluing you (i.e., "splitting you black"). This distorted view of other peoples' intentions and motivations is the reason that BPD is said to be a "thought distortion."

I feel I was nothing to him.

That is just a feeling. Don't believe it. If it were true, your exBF likely would have strong traits of Antisocial PD or Narcissistic PD, i.e., would have strong sociopathic or narcissistic traits. Significantly, sociopaths and narcissists are not emotionally unstable, as you describe your exBF to be. Instability is a hallmark of BPD traits. If he is an untreated BPDer, he likely loved you -- but in the immature, impaired way that a four year old is able to love -- where "I love you" largely means "I desperately need you to love ME." Granted, it is not the mature love that is needed to sustain adult relationships. It nonetheless is love.

She said "...he is a psycho!!"

You have not described any psychotic behavior, which occurs when a person misperceives physical reality (e.g., believing that the TV news announcer is speaking to him personally). In contrast, BPDers see physical reality just fine. What they misperceive is other peoples' intentions and motivations. Moreover, that usually does not occur with casual friends and strangers because those folks rarely will trigger the BPDer's fears. Instead, the triggering people are the loved ones.

And the performance trouble was the last straw===when he blamed that all on me.

You would have been shocked if it had been otherwise. If he is a BPDer, he had already been blaming every misfortune and mistake on you at that point. His performance trouble, then, was just one more thing added to the bottom of a long list of things blamed on you. That was necessary, of course, to "validate" his false self image of always being "the victim."

He would go through icy withdrawals when we were in bed together. ...He did the icy withdrawal thing a lot and seemed tickled that it bothered me.

Although BPDers usually release their anger by "acting out" in temper tantrums and verbal abuse, they sometimes will switch to "acting in" instead. Significantly, this does not mean they will stop punishing you. Rather, it only means that the punishment will take the form of passive aggressive behavior and icy withdrawal. Indeed, a small portion of BPDers nearly always do the "acting in" when releasing their anger (not surprisingly, they are called "quiet BPDers" or "waifs").

If he is Borderline, I can forgive him.

Of course, being able to forgive is a good thing for your healing. It is important to remember, however, that explaining his behavior does not mean we are justifying it. It is important to hold an adult BPDer fully accountable for his own actions. Otherwise, he will have no opportunity to confront his own issues and learn how to control them.

 

Significantly, a BPDer has control over his own behavior even when he appears to be in an "out of control" rage. He is simply choosing not to exercise that control -- because he has no incentive to do so (as long as you will stay with him and continue to walk on eggshells). If you doubt that, simply recall all those times he was at the height of a temper tantrum and -- when a good friend of his called on the phone or knocked on the front door -- he completely transformed in seconds into the calmest, most gracious man you've ever seen.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Downtown, you pretty much nailed it. He wanted to meet my 2 small kids right away and I wasn't ready for that and I did not feel my kids were ready just yet; he was moving way to fast and I thought, if we were in love, there was time for that. His ex wife had a son who my ex seemed to resent. She told me she caught him punching the boy on the shoulder (the boy was 4 at that time), the boy cried, and she got furious; told him never to touch the boy ever again.

 

He said "we were just playing!" She said it didn't' look like playing to her. Also, he complained that she didn't always want to get a sitter, she wanted to bring the child along to dinners/outings and such and he seemed to be bothered by this. He never had kids of his own. He told me that he asked her about having another child; he said she told him she didn't want to start over.

 

He had crude humor which would come out during odd times. Took me to an x rated store---NOT my cup of tea. But I was with him in the city and I figured just get it over with. He picked up phallic shaped lolly pops and joked about giving them to the kids. I was mortified and quite repulsed. I didn't say anything, just moved to the front of the store in hopes we could leave.

 

He pressed to meet the kids over and over, and seemed obsessed with meeting my daughter more than anything. I decided to wait it out. In one of his tantrums, he told me I was a lousy Mom and a poor example for my kids. Told people I am lazy, too. ----As I write this, I have laundry in, dishes are done and have mopped all the floors. I wish I could afford to be lazy.

 

Another example of his crude humor is the very first time I approached him about the dysfunction. I was very sensitive about it and asked him if there was something he would like me to do that I wasn't doing, etc. He was never able to 'release' with me. He said "if you want, I can j*ck off and c*m all over your face!!"---he thought this was hilarious. I stopped the conversation. I was disgusted. Again, mortified. No one has ever spoken to me this way===and because he was so genteel in the beginning, so....proper, it was shocking to hear this from him, just like the things he said in that shop.

 

He later apologized and said it was just a joke that he and is brother used to talk about when watching adult films back in the day. I didn't buy it, but I swept it under the rug.

 

You are right also about something else!! When he was putting me down, he was building someone else up. It was awful. During one of our last talks when he was calm and conversation seemed fine, he said he would never have the chemistry with someone else that he had with me, that he would always love me no matter what. But......his ex g/f and ex wife told me he said the same things to them.

 

He also uses the same lines on his new g/f that he used on me and a few others===this is when I saw pictures that were posted; saw captions he made under her pics. Same material. Used the same songs for our romance, too. "I Will" by the Beatles.....I later found out that was a song for him and his ex wife.

 

This really helps talking about it with you. He told me once he was all over the place and needed to talk to someone, but kept canceling appointments for therapy. He also said "Well I don't want to be alone! I need someone in my life!!"===Said after the divorce, he couldn't stand being alone and that's when he discovered those dating sites. I said "do you need just anyone in your life, or do you need me?" He changed the subject as he often did.

 

Here is something else I could use your expertise on.....He used to enjoy 'sexting' and would get the ball rolling, if you will. Each and every time I would reciprocate and get into it, he would change the subject...Just like that. I would tell him what I wanted to do, etc. and he would say "Sorry, I fell asleep"=that response would come an hour or 2 later or the next day. Or say "looks ilke snow in the forecast". We were getting hot and heavy sexting and that is how he responds....Very puzzled.

 

Once and yet again, I thank you for your wisdom.

[Downtown]

Here is something else I could use your expertise on.....He used to enjoy 'sexting' ...but then he would say "Sorry, I fell asleep"

Sorry, Bewitched, I don't have a clue as to why he would initiate the sexting and then abandon it so abruptly -- unless, of course, he got so excited that he found a sudden release with self pleasuring. Men quickly get sleepy after that happens, you know.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Sorry, Bewitched, I don't have a clue as to why he would initiate the sexting and then abandon it so abruptly -- unless, of course, he got so excited that he found a sudden release with self pleasuring. Men quickly get sleepy after that happens, you know.

 

He fell asleep a few times during our dates, LOL. But I see what you mean.

[rn0408]

I was feeling confident until a few months into the relationship. He brought me down by openly flirting with other women, even asked one on her wall "hey! when are you and I going to get together??", fawned all over another woman's picture 3 times=====right after our first weekend together. I was being chiseled away. He kept comparing me to his ex wife, too. Kept going on and on about how she had great legs, etc. If I questioned why 14 women were saying he is a 'creeper', he instantly blocked me and didn't' take my calls. No explanation. He was giddy when I left a tearful voice mail saying that it was a legit question; that someone started a thread about him and it took on like wildfire; all these ladies saying such terrible things and I simply asked why would they be saying those things. No answer..Block. That was just 4 months in.

 

I put up with everything he did as long as I could. Seeing him with this worldly woman made me feel awful, and then i wondered...what moves did he put on her, what lines did he use. He chameleonized himself to me in the very beginning;whatever I liked, he liked and then convinced me we were soul mates. I am pretty sure he did this with her, too. But....He is so proud that he puts her out there for all to see and is happy to be out and about with her--I was his secret. She met his brothers, I did not. Etc. In retrospect, I feel I was nothing to him and what is it about this new one? My gut tells me it's money since he was obsessed with replacing money he lost during his divorce settlement. He kept saying "I miss that extra income and someone to help take care of the house".

 

And the performance trouble was the last straw===when he blamed that all on me. He would go through icy withdrawals when we were in bed together. I would wear something sexy he told me he loved to see on a lady, he ignored me, rolled over and wanted to go to sleep. Didn't touch me....OR.....there were times he would tease me and then stop and say "let's go out for lunch" or something. Meanwhile I am in pain. You can't start someone up ilke that and then just stop. He did the icy withdrawal thing a lot and seemed tickled that it bothered me. One night I cried myself to sleep; the next morning, he touched my face and felt the dried tracks left by my tears. Seemed happy that I had been crying alone...next to him.

 

The performance thing was a terrible blow to my ego as well because I never had that trouble pleasing a boyfriend===and if I am intimate it is because I am in love and genuinely care for the other person. I am not a casual gal. Initially he was sweet and said he was satisfied just being with me, but later in one of his abusive tirades he said "you weren't tight enough". To this very day that bothers me to no end. I approached his situation with sensitivity and that is how he treated me.

 

I stared reading on the Borderline Personality and he seems to fit the criteria. Had I heard of this term back when it all was happening, maybe I would have healed quicker. If he is Borderline, I can forgive him. I've dated guys who were jerks; there is a huge difference here. You did make me feel better by saying he will have that intimacy problem with this new one also; then I won't feel that it was me that did this, that I couldn't satisfy. They are in their honeymoon period and they can see each other every day---that's what he wanted, someone who can fill his time. When I asked him if it was me he wanted or just anyone---he never answered. Anyone will do as far as I am concerned, to fill his needs of not being alone. "I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE"--His ex wife moved on, now he wants to do everything she is doing. it was a whirlwind of a time and very hard to heal from, especially since he seems cold and detached much of the time. Very detached.

 

*They feed on your weakness. I opened up to her and she used it against me. He did the same to you*

 

I had almost the same events coming from my ex who was a lady tho.

 

-She hated her ex's yet talked about them constantly (I'll be next one)

-She freaked out at me in a parking lot helping her scrape off ice on a car lol

-The sex sucked..She would get too mad when I would last too long.

-I did EVERYTHING FOR HER. Any other girl would appreciate a Knight and Chivalry.

-No need to forgive somebody who is Borderline. I learned they know what the are doing. This is coming form the best University in Psychology.

 

Best advice I can give you since I got over it fast:

 

-You can do better and will get better. The sex will be fantastic with your next one..guaranteed. Somebody will treat you like a queen..be patient.

-Start dating...you know the red flags what to look for

-Feel bad for the girl but careless for the lunatic

-Go to a gym

[CopingGal]

B and B, I read that you want closure. In 2009 I met up with my ex after we broke up so I could get closure from him. We got back together that day. In 2011, I asked for no closure. I gave myself closure. It's hard to get closure from a compulsive liar so I gave myself closure. I recognize the following points:

 

-He's a compulsive liar

-He has strong sociopathic traits

-He has strong narcissitic traits

-He is controlling

-He has no remorse

-He is very, very insensitive

-He often pretends to be something that he is not

-He has a very large evil streak in him that he usually keeps hidden until he strikes

-He lives his life by certain strange philosphies, such as "When the cat is away, the mice will play." This is something he actually said to me

-He is very immature, to the point that it is pathological

-He is pathologically selfish

-He is no morals

-He is sick and twisted

-He takes pleasure in using people

 

Recognizing these things in him gives me closure. I have the closure I need. He is highly dysfunctional and wicked and I need to stay away from him. I'm still angry and I still have questions, but I know enough to give myself closure. That's pretty much it.

 

So try to give yourself closure. Don't depend on someone who is evil to give you closure. It probably won't be real and will be lies instead.