I'm in Love with my friend, both female. I have a BF..

[sarahh]

This long but I really need some opinions...

I was 18/19 (now 22) and I was in a relationship with my boyfriend, we got together when I was 16 and we love each other. I was working in a team who worked alongside the NHS. Problems were begginging to seep through with my bf. My family and friends kept telling me to break up, even his family said I was too good for him. He is sweet and kind but completely rubbish with women to put it blunt.

He never made time for me, he put his job first and never made any real effort in the relationship, he was always letting me down on dates and he never liked going out with my friends. One day at work I met a young woman on my ward.

My collueges told me we shared alot in common and I might know her so I went into her room to introduce myself. I recognised her from mutual friends but couldnt place her and knew I had never spoken to her before. She made my stomach drop. She was so beautiful, long blonde hair tall and slim. I couldn't believe she was there she was so young and healthy looking and I felt so sorry for her. She was just over 10 yes older than me also whicj could be seen as another complication..

We became good friends over the weeks she was there and she eventually returned home. A few weeks later an email came through that she was struggling at home physicaly and had been granted some money to pay a carer to help her out for a few months. I needed some extra money and seeing as I knew her I volunteered.

So I started going round to her place. It became really regular and was seeing her nearly every day. I think we became really close and she was very grateful for the help and friendship. She told me she had boyfriends in the past and she obviously knew I had a boyfriend. I naturally talked to her about him and often off-loaded to her how the relationship wasn't working out but that I couldn't let him go.

Some time passed and I noticed that when I was with her I wasn't sad anymore about me and my boyfriend. She made me feel happy and we enjoyed one anothers company. I started to drift away from my boyfriend and I spent more time at her house. I admitted to myself and to some close freinds that I was feeling more than friendly feelings for her. My friend just thought that I was getting my emotions and feelings muddled up, I felt sorry for her but I told my friend I felt different and I had never felt this way about anybody she is amazing.

 

I felt something had to drastically change or I was going to have an emotional breakdown. I wanted to tell her how I felt but was too scared I would ruin our friendship and I wasn't sure I had recieved enough signals from her. We text alot and I often felt she was flirting with me quite a bit but I didn't know if that was just her being friendly. I had this feeling deep down that she felt the same but then I would correct myself and be sure that I was tripping.

I was getting alot of stress from my main job. I had to quit one of my jobs and after alot of thinking I figured that this girl wasnt really helping me and I wasn't prepeared at the time to tell her how I felt so I txt her saying she would have to find someone else.

I decided to take a last min seasonal job abroad and get away for 6 months. I did and it was amazing. I met loads of people and I had loads of time to reflect on how I felt. Whilst out there my boyfriend split up with me he said he couldn't cope with the distance and that our relationship was too rocky before I left. I was sad but I stayed out there until my mum came out 3 moths in to the season and she took me home as I had lost alot of weight. I never stopped loving her but the time away gave me time to get over her and clear my head. When I got back it was only a matter of time before my ex got in touch. I missed him too and realised that he was worth fighting for if he was prepared to make some changes. He agreed and after a 'trial period' we got back together.

Things were alot better and I'm now alot happier with myself and him and have learned alot. I still thought about her alot and I felt bad that i left when she needed me. I wished i had told her the truth. We were still in touch, she never mentioned me leaving but said she would love to meet up. I plucked up the courage and I wrote her a huge email telling her exactly how I felt and that i was now back together with my bf. The email was quite emotional and i didnt hold back. I said i would understand if she didnt reply and i was happy to pretend that it never hapnd. I waited and had no reply. We stopped talking for over a year.

I was quite embarrased that i had no reply. She was sure to have read it. I know its silly but i deleted her from my facbook i was angry+humilliated that she didnt reply. Nearly a year and a half later she gets intouch on fb. She came to watch me in an event and threw her arms around me hugging me lots she was so happy to see me. I still love her. We've arranged to meet up soon. She has not had a boyfriend since meeting her 4 years ago. What shall i do? I never found out how she felt about my email..

[TaraMaiden]

you dismiss all romantic feelings because it rather looks as if it was all one-sided.

Be glad to have your friend back, act as if nothing had happened, and let her bring it up.

if she ever does, that is.....

 

And if ever she does, just listen.

Hear her out, and don't justify, don't explain.

Just accept, and be glad the friendship is still there.

 

and if you think there is a possibility that you are bisexual, or you know damn well you are, you certainly owe it to your Bf to let him know this.

[sarahh]

Thanks TaraMaiden. I am grateful i have her back as a friend but i feel i need closure about this. I dont know if i am BI, i don't really care if i am to me it doesnt mean anything i dont think he needs to know unles i thought it might become something. To imply I am BI to my boyfriend would suggest i have been with a woman which i have not, which is why i feel hung up about this i wanted to find out for myself if these feelings for this girl were genuine or just a crush.

[TaraMaiden]

It's been said before, and i'll say it again:

Closure comes from within you, not from outside.

The fact that she didn't reply, is probably message enough that (one), she doesn't feel the same way, and (two), she felt awkward that you felt the way you did, when there was no reciprocal feeling.

Sometimes, the way people tackle difficult things to face, is to not face them.

they prefer to let them go, let time pass, and hope that such things will blow over, if left alone and undisturbed, unanswered and unstimulated.

 

Look at what you say here:

I said i would understand if she didnt reply and i was happy to pretend that it never hapnd. I waited and had no reply. We stopped talking for over a year.

I was quite embarrased that i had no reply. She was sure to have read it.

 

You definitely hoped, prayed and wished for that reply, and were desperate for her to feel the same way.

But you gave her the perfect way out, and she took it.

 

Tell me, how would it have felt if she had replied, telling you that you'd got it all wrong, and that you were reading way too much into this, and that it would be better to just go your separate ways and just not see each other any more?

 

This isn't asking you with regard to the frame of mind you're in now.

This is asking you, with regard to the frame of mind, mindset and feelings you had then.

Cast your mind back to how intense everything was, and how sure you felt.....

What would such a reply have done to you?

 

And maybe she felt that.

 

she sounds like a wonderful, caring, friendly, affectionate person, to greet you the way she did.

It sounds like she may have missed your friendship.

She seems very glad to have seen you again.

she's hoping enough time has passed for the whole thing to have blown over....

 

I would urge you to accept things as they are, because that's the way they are.

Respect her, and respect yourself.

Edited March 5, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[ReneeMalcolm]

Hi Sarah

 

Your story was indeed very touching and poignant and mine is quite similar to yours.

 

She did read your email, but since she is older and more matured than you, she probably thought it best to ignore it being a sensible adult. She realised that you were a young girl and you have a future ahead of you and being experienced, she knew that there was no real future for two females in love with each other. It is possible that she did not feel the same way for you - in which case when you now meet her face to face, you should discuss the subject again.

 

But let me ask you frankly - since you are now back with your ex-boyfriend, do you really want to declare your love to this woman? She'll probably ask you that if you love her why are you with your boyfriend? If you had a choice to make, what would you do?

 

I think the best thing would be to discuss these issues with her during your tete-a-tete, but just bear in mind that her response but not be what you'd like it to be. She might just say we're friends and that's it. That can be heart-breaking, but it's reality, so just accept it my dear. xx