OpenBook Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 I don't need to know who you are; I only speak on the words you wrote...and I make my conclusions based solely on those words. And self-awareness is a rare thing... But of course I might be a little biased being in an organization where adultery is a criminal offense...and where I genuinely fear infidelity... But if you take two people with no integrity and put them together, that's two less people with no integrity in the dating market...that's the point... Clearly that hasn't stopped military servicepeople from cheating. Just ask frozensprouts, seren, and I'm sure countless other military wives out there. (And AFAIK, it hasn't stopped their H's military careers either.) Your Darwinian theory isn't holding any water there, I'm afraid - the military is just as prone as the civilian world to inserting themselves "in the dating market" as you say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 Thank you. your comment has really opened things up for me. I do need to end it and i will. I will have a conversation with him tonight. as far as him being there if i was pregnant. He said that before we found out that i was not. And as far as me telling the family, I am not sure i will go that far. I will end it between us and that is that. I Know that if my family ever finds out about it later, which is always destine to happen it will be HUGE. however i am not ready to tell them all of that. atleast not yet anyway. Any update on this? How did the conversation go with him? You don't have to tell your family about this once the A ends. What's the point of doing that? Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 But i am also into the guy and find it hard to stop. Just goes to show bad boy cheating jerks get women wrapped around their finger. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 I don't need to know who you are; I only speak on the words you wrote...and I make my conclusions based solely on those words. And self-awareness is a rare thing... But of course I might be a little biased being in an organization where adultery is a criminal offense...and where I genuinely fear infidelity... But if you take two people with no integrity and put them together, that's two less people with no integrity in the dating market...that's the point... Well I think people can learn from their mistakes and change, especially if they are young, but I do like the bolded statement above. Wouldn't it be great if cheaters and liars could only get involved with other cheaters and liars? That would make things a lot easier for the rest of us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 Clearly that hasn't stopped military servicepeople from cheating. Just ask frozensprouts, seren, and I'm sure countless other military wives out there. (And AFAIK, it hasn't stopped their H's military careers either.) Your Darwinian theory isn't holding any water there, I'm afraid - the military is just as prone as the civilian world to inserting themselves "in the dating market" as you say. Of course, but cheaters will be cheaters whether they're military or civilians, and the military doesn't create cheaters...so people willing to be with cheaters deserve what they get...it's hard for me to be sympathetic because everyone has a choice...and those people made their choice...and this Darwinian theory is for my personal use, not necessarily a way to explain the way of the world...if someone comes here in a situation like OP's, I simply count my blessings that I don't have to deal with that nonsense in my own life... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saphira Posted March 8, 2012 Author Share Posted March 8, 2012 Any update on this? How did the conversation go with him? You don't have to tell your family about this once the A ends. What's the point of doing that? I went great actually. I just told him how i felt and that i was ready for this thing between us to be over. I didnt really give him much of a choice. But it went well. We talked and said our goodbys. Of course they arent "ill never see you again goodbyes" because he is a family friend. But we left it as just that. family friends. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 I went great actually. I just told him how i felt and that i was ready for this thing between us to be over. I didnt really give him much of a choice. But it went well. We talked and said our goodbys. Of course they arent "ill never see you again goodbyes" because he is a family friend. But we left it as just that. family friends. I hope it really is over and he leaves you alone..And that you don't "miss" him and contact him. Avoid being around when/if he and his wife are at your house. Don't 'talk' about this, the A etc, if you do see him. Little conversation as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 Natural selection in the theory of evolution is the principle that only the strongest of a species survives, so nature "selects" only the most viable and suitable to live on, while the weak and unadapted die off... In the dating world, I use this term to mean that the weak, damaged, or otherwise undateable individuals take themselves off the dating market by involving themselves in destructive situations like this, and rightly so. They never learn and never adapt, so they would ideally get paired with other similarly weak and undateable individuals. Therefore, the quality dating pool is not tainted by their presence. Thanks. I spoke with an old friend last night and brought this up and he basically said the same thing you posted BUT with a caveat. He said it doesn't count before age 25 in his theory. He figures if a person is still displaying destructive dating patterns after that age, they are pretty much a loss for healthy dating. Guys have such interesting dating theories. Women should hear about them more often. Not that we should change our behavior in response, but at least know what you are dealing with potentially. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saphira Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Thanks. I spoke with an old friend last night and brought this up and he basically said the same thing you posted BUT with a caveat. He said it doesn't count before age 25 in his theory. He figures if a person is still displaying destructive dating patterns after that age, they are pretty much a loss for healthy dating. Guys have such interesting dating theories. Women should hear about them more often. Not that we should change our behavior in response, but at least know what you are dealing with potentially. Thanks again. Well i am glad to know i am under the age of 25 or it seems like the male species would have deemed me doomed for healthy relationships or dating material lol Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Well i am glad to know i am under the age of 25 or it seems like the male species would have deemed me doomed for healthy relationships or dating material lol Yeah, I had to chuckle too. The first time I heard "the theory" I was dating a guy with a girlfriend and I was also under 25 at the time. The problem I have with it is that the married person is already supposed to be out of the dating pool. But being in an affair actually does effectively remove a person from dating. They feel like its cheating on the MP to date others. I didn't have that problem. One, he wasn't married. Two, I was still single. But this wasn't a love relationship, so I guess that's the difference. I really feel for those that fall in love in a dead end relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saphira Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Yeah, I had to chuckle too. The first time I heard "the theory" I was dating a guy with a girlfriend and I was also under 25 at the time. The problem I have with it is that the married person is already supposed to be out of the dating pool. But being in an affair actually does effectively remove a person from dating. They feel like its cheating on the MP to date others. I didn't have that problem. One, he wasn't married. Two, I was still single. But this wasn't a love relationship, so I guess that's the difference. I really feel for those that fall in love in a dead end relationship. Very true. however i never said i was in love with him. Just that i enjoy my time with him. and it is a funny theory. I was hurt a little whle ago by an ex, so i guess i liked that there was no emotional value to our situation. because if i knew it wouldnt go anywhere then i knew i wouldnt get hurt emotionally. but i have recently come to terms that i shouldnt think like that. Im young and that stuff happens. I am happy i ended it with him. Now maybe i can focus on something healthier with an apparent future. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Thanks. I spoke with an old friend last night and brought this up and he basically said the same thing you posted BUT with a caveat. He said it doesn't count before age 25 in his theory. He figures if a person is still displaying destructive dating patterns after that age, they are pretty much a loss for healthy dating. Guys have such interesting dating theories. Women should hear about them more often. Not that we should change our behavior in response, but at least know what you are dealing with potentially. Thanks again. I tend not to place an age qualifier on it. And although this may be an overextending generalization, I feel that many women who go through destructive dating patterns, even before the age of 25, are more prone to continue (and even seek out) those patterns...especially if that's all they know... I often hear my female friends complain that they can't find a decent guy everytime they end it with another douchebag...and my only reaction is that they wouldn't even know what to do with a decent guy, much less be able to identify them...they just fall into the same trap over and over again...to the point where I can't feel bad for them...simply because they are doing it to themselves... But alas, natural selection will have done its duty... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I tend not to place an age qualifier on it. And although this may be an overextending generalization, I feel that many women who go through destructive dating patterns, even before the age of 25, are more prone to continue (and even seek out) those patterns...especially if that's all they know... I often hear my female friends complain that they can't find a decent guy everytime they end it with another douchebag...and my only reaction is that they wouldn't even know what to do with a decent guy, much less be able to identify them...they just fall into the same trap over and over again...to the point where I can't feel bad for them...simply because they are doing it to themselves... But alas, natural selection will have done its duty... I can't disagree with this either. Patterns learned in childhood are often hard to shake. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 The "25" theory seems to be based on the general developement of the pre frontal cortex where most of the decision making happens. Focusing attention Organizing thoughts and problem solving Foreseeing and weighing possible consequences of behavior Considering the future and making predictions Forming strategies and planning Ability to balance short-term rewards with long term goals Shifting/adjusting behavior when situations change Impulse control and delaying gratification Modulation of intense emotions Inhibiting inappropriate behavior and initiating appropriate behavior Simultaneously considering multiple streams of information when faced with complex and challenging information I.E. good judgment. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 OMG, I had never heard of the "25" theory! If this is true, then nobody needs to ever get married before that age, due to their immaturity. The sad thing is, it was the norm for baby boomers to marry after graduating from high school.(especially for lower or middle income families who couldn't afford college) All of my H's cheating occurred in the early years of our marriage, before I caught him.(he was in his 20's) So we were doomed for failure from the very beginning.(or at least a higher percentage) But what does that say about all the people that have NEVER CHEATED? I have turned down hundreds of requests from men throughout my life as a married woman! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I am sure life experience plays a part. I was married by 20. I shouldn't have been. I think the expectations of society has (previous generations marrying early and never divorcing no matter what) didn't care so much about whether someone was mentally capable of handling life long decisions. Interesting non the less. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Good luck to you, Saphira. Be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Good luck to you, Saphira. Be strong. Yes, Saphira, your 21st birthday is coming up and it's great that you ended this A and can start on a better path. As part of that path, you might consider telling your parents the truth. As a parent, the idea that a family friend would get to know my daughter as a 17 year old, when he is 27 years senior, and a few years later involve her in a secret affair while he continues to act as a friend to you and your parents and as faithful H to his W, is heartbreaking. This man is no friend of your parents or of you. Please think about how you want your life to go, what type of person you want to be, how you want to treat others, what respect, friendship, family means to you, and whether this man should continue to deceive your parents about his true nature. You might decide your 21st birthday is the start of a more open and authentic path that doesn't keep this secret. Whatever you decide, you are young and can choose the way you want to live. I strongly disagree with any suggestion made by another poster that the choices you have already made define your future in a negative way. Be strong, love yourself, treat others with kindness and respect, and decide what is the best thing to do as far as keeping this secret or not. If you want to discuss that aspect, I am sure others here will give you feedback too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saphira Posted March 10, 2012 Author Share Posted March 10, 2012 Whatever you decide, you are young and can choose the way you want to live. I strongly disagree with any suggestion made by another poster that the choices you have already made define your future in a negative way. Be strong, love yourself, treat others with kindness and respect, and decide what is the best thing to do as far as keeping this secret or not. If you want to discuss that aspect, I am sure others here will give you feedback too. Thank you for saying that. I dont think by doing what i did makes me unable to have a happy future or a future at all. I appreciate your kind words. I do know that i will never put myself in another position with an involved man again. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Thank you for saying that. I dont think by doing what i did makes me unable to have a happy future or a future at all. I appreciate your kind words. I do know that i will never put myself in another position with an involved man again. Great for you! Better to learn this lesson now than in the latter part of your life Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Thank you for saying that. I dont think by doing what i did makes me unable to have a happy future or a future at all. I appreciate your kind words. I do know that i will never put myself in another position with an involved man again. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can make it whatever you want it to be. Link to post Share on other sites
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