Lostinlife4now Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 I'll let his wife read it for now. Here is an excerpt... ... Why doesn't he end the affair with me and recommits to his marriage? All this hiding, secret calls, strange maneuvers before and after a cocktail party, early morning meetings... it all requires certain amount of energy. Why doesn't he invest that energy in improving the relationship with his wife? I asked him so, but he says that he is no longer wasting time to recover the relationship with her. He tried in the past, failed and gave up completely. Now he is determined to stay married and to lie whenever needed. While she is determined to play her power games on him. Fair enough. He is in the fog of ambivalence. His marriage is too good to leave, too bad to stay in it. Having a partner on the side who is not only his girlfriend, but also a companion who understands and accepts him, is a solution that works for both, him and his wife. New studies reveal that cheating is about everything, but sex. Some married people don't know or don't want to connect with each other anymore. It works for his wife too. Being married (although cheated on) suits her. Because they are two co-dependants that wouldn't try to change a thing, no matter how bad or how betrayed they feel. They are in denial. They are roommates raising a child. Better bad marriage, than no marriage at all. Otherwise, what would they tell the couples they are befriended with? They think they are saving their marriage. Any reasonable observer would say that the marriage has been dead for a long time now. What they are trying to do, is not saving the marriage, but avoiding the divorce at all costs. When I told her the news, she might have thought that now I am the problem. An old adage says "Don't kill the messenger". I'm not the problem. I'm the symptom of their bigger underlying problem. If their marriage was good enough, I would have never had a chance to share anything intimate with her husband. Good marriages are rock solid. This one is based on lies. After my first call he is staying at home more often, to be "seen" spending time at home as a devoted husband, so that later, once he re-gains her trust, he can win his freedom back. Adriana..This sounds like xMM marriage...to the tee...I had met his W and she isn't in to him either...But they are "TWO PARENTS RAISING CHILDREN", and is the reason they stay together....Plus comfort, finances, family, friends, public appearances, so on and so on.....Gotta respect that! Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Having a partner on the side who is not only his girlfriend, but also a companion who understands and accepts him, is a solution that works for both, him and his wife. Exactly! But is it a solution that works for you? You don't have to be the third party who helps them stay married. You can make your own choice. Why not find a better man? Leave these two to figure out their own mess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 You don't see it?? This man is getting exactly what he wants. He's the King and he has two women in his life. If anybody is confused and in a fog - it's YOU. Though I'm sure you can't or won't see this. My god, you're so bloody wrapped up in HIS reasons as to why he is continuing the affair.. How about worrying about YOUR OWN reasons? Like why on earth would you allow this to go on? You can end the affair any time you'd like and walk away. You haven't yet. Why? You're enabling him as much as she is. Difference is SHE is his wife, SHE is obligated to him, said vows, has a life with him, kids, family entwined so I can get why she isn't ready to let go.. You only have like 3 years with him, in an affair setting. Why are you hanging onto table scraps and crumbs? He's choosing nobody..actually, he's choosing himself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 'Tis an evil woman who finds her joy on the back of another's pain. So true. This is why OP hasn't a chance of winning this man from his wife. It is really sad that OP is sooooo desperate she has to resort to lowering herself this way. God help her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 So true. This is why OP hasn't a chance of winning this man from his wife. It is really sad that OP is sooooo desperate she has to resort to lowering herself this way. God help her. Me thinks the lowering happened some time ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 I'll let his wife read it for now. Here is an excerpt... ... Why doesn't he end the affair with me and recommits to his marriage? All this hiding, secret calls, strange maneuvers before and after a cocktail party, early morning meetings... it all requires certain amount of energy. Why doesn't he invest that energy in improving the relationship with his wife? I asked him so, but he says that he is no longer wasting time to recover the relationship with her. He tried in the past, failed and gave up completely. Now he is determined to stay married and to lie whenever needed. While she is determined to play her power games on him. Fair enough. He is in the fog of ambivalence. His marriage is too good to leave, too bad to stay in it. Having a partner on the side who is not only his girlfriend, but also a companion who understands and accepts him, is a solution that works for both, him and his wife. New studies reveal that cheating is about everything, but sex. Some married people don't know or don't want to connect with each other anymore. It works for his wife too. Being married (although cheated on) suits her. Because they are two co-dependants that wouldn't try to change a thing, no matter how bad or how betrayed they feel. They are in denial. They are roommates raising a child. Better bad marriage, than no marriage at all. Otherwise, what would they tell the couples they are befriended with? They think they are saving their marriage. Any reasonable observer would say that the marriage has been dead for a long time now. What they are trying to do, is not saving the marriage, but avoiding the divorce at all costs. When I told her the news, she might have thought that now I am the problem. An old adage says "Don't kill the messenger". I'm not the problem. I'm the symptom of their bigger underlying problem. If their marriage was good enough, I would have never had a chance to share anything intimate with her husband. Good marriages are rock solid. This one is based on lies. After my first call he is staying at home more often, to be "seen" spending time at home as a devoted husband, so that later, once he re-gains her trust, he can win his freedom back. My goodness bitterness is eating you from the inside out. If they are happy staying in their marriage the way it is, why does it matter to you? Aren't you getting everything you want from MM as described above? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 I'm curious...you stated that the affair can't end unless she knows the truth and takes action. Why is that? Surely YOU can end the affair at any point...as can he. You are also sitting with the exact same choice that she is at this point...continue things on "as they are" or end them. You're putting all this expectation on HER taking some kind of action...and completely ignoring your OWN ability to implement change and end the situation. I'd still very much like to see the OP respond to my questions above? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Adriana Since you didn't give the wife your name you made yourself very easy to dismiss as a crackpot. The MM probably told his wife you were some acquaintance of his who got the wrong idea and became obsessed. AND IF you shared any of your, from the sidelines analysis of MM,BW and their marriage, with the wife when you spoke with her, that would only (in her eyes) bolster his claim. Because whatever conclusions you have reached about her, him and their marriage based on information you got from him, is not likely to resemble the reality the wife is actually living. So she probably thinks you are crazy, and unless there is something specific and verifiable on your blog that will definitively prove that you are having an affair with her husband, sharing your blog with her is not likely to make you more credible in her eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Adriana Since you didn't give the wife your name you made yourself very easy to dismiss as a crackpot. The MM probably told his wife you were some acquaintance of his who got the wrong idea and became obsessed. AND IF you shared any of your, from the sidelines analysis of MM,BW and their marriage, with the wife when you spoke with her, that would only (in her eyes) bolster his claim. Because whatever conclusions you have reached about her, him and their marriage based on information you got from him, is not likely to resemble the reality the wife is actually living. So she probably thinks you are crazy, and unless there is something specific and verifiable on your blog that will definitively prove that you are having an affair with her husband, sharing your blog with her is not likely to make you more credible in her eyes. She said she called her back and told her her name and "supposes" that the wife knows who she is since they co-authored a book together. This fictional tale gets lamer by the minute. If it is in fact true, then hide your rabbits and box cutters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 She said she called her back and told her her name and "supposes" that the wife knows who she is since they co-authored a book together. This fictional tale gets lamer by the minute. If it is in fact true, then hide your rabbits and box cutters. Thank you. I must have missed that post. However, I stand by my assessment that if the OP shared her analysis of the situation with the wife, the wife probably thinks she is crazy. If, of course, any of this is real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Thank you. I must have missed that post. However, I stand by my assessment that if the OP shared her analysis of the situation with the wife, the wife probably thinks she is crazy. If, of course, any of this is real. I guess crazy needs to be defined then. Crazy as in the wife dismisses the claims and doesn't believe it or crazy as in the wife opens her eyes after getting to read the details of the affair played out on the world stage, realizes this OP is sociopathic and gets a restraining order? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Well, if the wife appears to have taken no action...then crazy as in the wife doesn't believe that the OP is "real"... All of this is again irrelevent. The wife isn't the only one in this situation. From what I've read, to me it appears as if the OP is upset because to her it appears that the wife isn't divorcing him as a result of the OP's disclosures. The bottom line is that the OP is in the same boat the wife is...aware that he's cheating, not taking action to "choose" either of them, and yet continues on with her affair with him...and has an expectation that the wife should leave him as a result of her disclosures. The OP needs to recognize that she also has the choice to end the relationship with him in light of the exact same information. The question is...why does she expect that the wife should do something if she's not willing to do the same thing? Non sequiter. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Why would YOU settle for so little? Something inside you is very broken - that you would knowingly cause such pain to someone(s) with such a vengeance and purpose. Take a look at why you are so mean spirited. On a side note - any wife reading your blog can see that it's designed to feed the wife information that is to cause pain. Sheez, could you be a bit more creative than that? That angle is OLD! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 I'll never understand the endless analyzing of the bs, "why does she stay?" when you can look in the mirror and ask the same question. Why are the ow's reasons for staying in the affair more reasonable than the bs's reasons for staying in the marriage? Both are tolerating a pile of crap. Both must have some compelling reasons to choose it. Why the MM keeps both--that is much easier to understand. If they let him, why not? Whatta guy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 I guess crazy needs to be defined then. Crazy as in the wife dismisses the claims and doesn't believe it or crazy as in the wife opens her eyes after getting to read the details of the affair played out on the world stage, realizes this OP is sociopathic and gets a restraining order? Crazy as in the way the OP describes the wife the MM and the marriage may not bear any resemblance, AT ALL to the life the wife is actually living or the way she is experiencing her marriage or what she knows about her husband. Crazy as in an initial call, with no names given could, in the wife's eyes, make the OP look crazy. Crazy as in if the OP, shared on her blog her assessments of the MM, the wife, or their marriage without also giving some credible, verifiable proof that there really IS an affair, the wife might be inclined to think the OP is crazy. Crazy as in, it could be very easy for the MM to say to his wife "honey, Adriana and I developed a friendly working relationship/friendship while working on this book together, but she misconstrued our friendship and has become obsessed with me...she is troubled." And with nothing but an initial anonymous call (basically a hit job) and a lot of from the sidelines analysis of the marriage on the part of the OP, without verifiable proof.....she could look..crazy. That is the kind of crazy I am talking about. I'm not saying the OP is making the affair up or that she is actually crazy, I'm saying that to the wife (and she seems to be pretty focused on the wife) she could look crazy based on her own actions (initial anynomous call + blog) and the MM claiming that she is. That would explain why she didn't get the reaction she clearly was hoping for with her initial anonymous call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Well, if the wife appears to have taken no action...then crazy as in the wife doesn't believe that the OP is "real"... All of this is again irrelevent. The wife isn't the only one in this situation. From what I've read, to me it appears as if the OP is upset because to her it appears that the wife isn't divorcing him as a result of the OP's disclosures. The bottom line is that the OP is in the same boat the wife is...aware that he's cheating, not taking action to "choose" either of them, and yet continues on with her affair with him...and has an expectation that the wife should leave him as a result of her disclosures. The OP needs to recognize that she also has the choice to end the relationship with him in light of the exact same information. The question is...why does she expect that the wife should do something if she's not willing to do the same thing? Non sequiter. I agree. It seems like Adriana is too busy analyzing the MM and his wife and their marriage that she can't see how dysfunctional her own participation in this situation is. Seems like she is too busy trying to drive the wife away to realize that if she wants to get out of the situation..her feet work fine and she can walk away whenever she wants to. Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Crazy as in the way the OP describes the wife the MM and the marriage may not bear any resemblance, AT ALL to the life the wife is actually living or the way she is experiencing her marriage or what she knows about her husband. Crazy as in an initial call, with no names given could, in the wife's eyes, make the OP look crazy. Crazy as in if the OP, shared on her blog her assessments of the MM, the wife, or their marriage without also giving some credible, verifiable proof that there really IS an affair, the wife might be inclined to think the OP is crazy. Crazy as in, it could be very easy for the MM to say to his wife "honey, Adriana and I developed a friendly working relationship/friendship while working on this book together, but she misconstrued our friendship and has become obsessed with me...she is troubled." And with nothing but an initial anonymous call (basically a hit job) and a lot of from the sidelines analysis of the marriage on the part of the OP, without verifiable proof.....she could look..crazy. That is the kind of crazy I am talking about. I'm not saying the OP is making the affair up or that she is actually crazy, I'm saying that to the wife (and she seems to be pretty focused on the wife) she could look crazy based on her own actions (initial anynomous call + blog) and the MM claiming that she is. That would explain why she didn't get the reaction she clearly was hoping for with her initial anonymous call. Don't get me wrong, you and I are on the same page. I just wanted to point out types of crazy. Frankly, this OP sounds nuts. I mean who in their right mind would claim the wife is co-dependent yet she herself stays in this toxic relationship and chronicles it for the world to see, then sends it to the wife as a final "Gotcha"? Disgusting and sick, not to mention beyond cruel and sociopathic. As for MM? He deserves nothing more than to be wailed full force in his yam bags by the place kicker for the Oakland Raiders. What a complete pile of garbage. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
daisy love Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 You guys just don't understand the POWER OF LOVE!!!!! :love: Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 You guys just don't understand the POWER OF LOVE!!!!! :love: We fully understand how powerful an MM's self love can be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Like a sneeze if you have a cold? Or like a cancer that eats you from the inside out? The 'bigger underlying problem' is your life has become one of obsession. I'm beginning to feel some pity for you. Do you smile much as you carry on your day? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 You guys just don't understand the POWER OF LOVE!!!!! :love: It is one reason many bs stay, just as it is a reason the ow stays. How strong is the mm's love for either? Strong enough to make either bs or ow his one-and-only? Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 You guys just don't understand the POWER OF LOVE!!!!! :love: :lmao: That's right Daisy. The whole problem in this situation is that we just don't understand the Power of Love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 You guys just don't understand the POWER OF LOVE!!!!! :love: Clearly. I'm looking forward to your update thread where you let us know how things have changed in your own situation. Let us know how love has transformed the landscape, that MM has left his wife and is happy with you, how she's moved on and is happier now without him, and how his children are now lovingly ensconced in the bosom of two families instead of just one. I can't wait to hear how your family and friends have all congratulated you for courting and freeing MM away from his wife who held him captive all these years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
daisy love Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 You guys are just jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 You guys are just jealous. Jealous. Yeah, that's it. Jealous. *Donna admires her beautiful engagment ring* 6 Link to post Share on other sites
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