about my marriage

[tryingtomakeitwork7]

hi,

I am new on this forum and am in need of some advice. i have been in my relationship for seven years. She was younger (22) when we met and unsure of herself, i was older( 30) and more sure of myself. She also suffered depression and was coming out of one. When we met i saw who she was, depressed or not and full of potential. Our relationship started quickly. We became involved in my business together. We also moved in and got married. A true love story. WE ran and operated my business together and then when the economy burst we decided to close the business. I had the business for 12 year in total and she was part of it only for 4. When it closed i became depressed. for the first time in m adult life i did not have a job and i also was unsure of what i would do next in my life. We also had just moved from a major city to the suburbs and i did not know how to drive. I felt very isolated and alone. Meanwhile she went to Law School and was very happy about it and even though she saw i was not happy she did not know how to help me. She tried but because i was so depressed i pushed her away. She tried to get close with loads of energy at first and when that did not work she became angry. We began fighting a lot for the better part of a year and a half. When her frustration turned to her just stopping and telling me she need space because she could not do it anymore. Fight, or try to work on the relationship, etc. She needed space. I could not give it to her. I sensed her moving further away from me and that made me wake up. I realized i was loosing everything. I literally snapped out of a depression and got into action. But it was too late. She told me that she was not in love with me and that we have grown apart. That was early Jan. Since then we have contemplated divorce, separation, etc. I asked her if she thought that because we fought for so long that if we rebuilt our foundation and took some space we could find our way back and more so she could love me again. She says she wants this but is uncertain of it. I have been giving her space. I have been trying to keep my composure and also move on with other areas in my life. Doing everything i can to keep going. We still live under the same roof although we sleep in separate beds. She says it is not natural for her to want to sleep in bed with me if she does not feel loving feelings. We have however been falling asleep for about 3 weeks on the sofa together but not cuddling. One thing she told me is that in order for her to feel love again, or have the possibility of loving me again is to have stability since we had fought so much. I have respected that over the last 14 days or so and we have been getting a long great. We had a conversation last Friday and she said she appreciated what i was doing and knew it was difficult. Which is basically me giving her space while under the same roof to see how this will or can play out. This is hard for me. I miss her so much and even though we are always together and friendly it is not a marriage. IN our conversation she said she would move back to the bedroom after i said in order for love to come back we need to be loving. Not sex but certainly sleeping together. To at least begin. It is now monday and we are still on the sofa. It is clearly hard for her to get into our bed. i am not pushing it. Am i crazy to stick this out in hopes she will feel something again?

I need advice. Please...

[tryingtomakeitwork7]

oh and i should say we have taken divorce off of the table for at least 6 months.

[The Blue Knight]

oh and i should say we have taken divorce off of the table for at least 6 months.

Glad you're holding off on divorce. Good decision. I guess I'd say she's obviously not firm in what she wants to do and is holding off by being patient rather than jumping too soon. That's good because it gives you time to win her back and make her realize you're the one for her.

 

I wouldn't push anything, including where either of you sleep. I'd just let it happen if she's going to get there eventually.

 

Respect is a big thing. I know that for me, I have to respect my wife or it would be hard to have any type of intimacy or relations with her and I'm a guy where sex and intimacy isn't hung up on those other tributary issues typically.

 

With women, I think that's even more pronounced. She knew you as her rock and now you've become the shadow of the man she fell in love with. So you need to recover and show her you can bounce back and get your life on track. It sounds to me like you're doing that. Beyond that, I'm not sure you can do much more than reassure her that you still love her and care for her. Don't grovel. Just reassure.

[tryingtomakeitwork7]

thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. It should be noted we are both actually women so it is very tough.

[The Blue Knight]

thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. It should be noted we are both actually women so it is very tough.

You tossed me a curve ball there. I might be out of my realm.

[tryingtomakeitwork7]

well honestly it is all the same. I am the girlie one in the relationship which is why this is so hard. Since Friday when she thought we could sleep in the same bed she said she now cant because she doesn't feel right about it and it makes her angry. So now she just wants space. This sucks.

[coopster]

well honestly it is all the same. I am the girlie one in the relationship which is why this is so hard. Since Friday when she thought we could sleep in the same bed she said she now cant because she doesn't feel right about it and it makes her angry. So now she just wants space. This sucks.

 

give her what she asks for. what else can you do?

 

If you push it your only going to make her resolution even stronger

 

Give her space.