2 Year Relationship, Moving In, Moving Out, Breaking Up..?

[vtgirl]

This will be a long post. I'm new here, have scoured the forum for a few hours, and hope to get some good advice/input from others.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. I met him at my sisters wedding. After a year together, we moved into an apartment. Things were good. The problem was, for about 8 months, I constantly talked about marriage and taking the next step. We got into many arguments about marriage, and he repeatedly told me to take a break from that topic. I didn't really listen to him, because he never gave me any answers.

 

We were having some issues with him being distant, and I threatened to move out(not that I wanted to)..he finally told me that he has severe anxiety, and panic attacks. He said his anxiety was affecting his life in so many negative ways. It was hurting our relationship. He lost his job, and his truck broke down. After three months, he just got his job back last week. It is going well. He just bought a used car off of craigslist, and he got in a crash being reckless. He is fine, but the car needs some work! Now, he's very stressed out.

 

I moved out 2 months ago, because he really needed to deal with his anxiety on his own. He told me he was very open to getting help for him, medication, therapist, etc. He has gone to the doctor a few times, but not for this anxiety problem. He contacted a therapist, but the therapist didn't call him back so he gave up.

 

2 weeks ago, he broke up with me. He said he felt like we wanted two different things in life. Me=commitment with him, eventually. Him=no commitment right now.

 

As I said, this commitment/marriage topic has been going on for 8 months now. I was devastated he broke up with me. I haven't slept much. I told him that I was happy enough in the relationship with him to try and work on things, and he just just me over and over that it's not going to work. I want a commitment, and he doesn't right now. He said he's not at a place in his life to do that.

 

It's hard, we have a good relationship. Right now, we are not together, but I still go to see him about three times a week. He said he was going to think about us getting back together. I truly do love this man, but I eventually want to have more of a commitment with him.

 

Our lease is ending in out apartment the end of May..and I'm not sure what is going to happen. I asked him what he wants to do, and he said he has no idea. That is he answer to everything! Do we try to live together again? He could very well completely break things off with me at the end of our lease.

 

We do have issues. I am a dog trainer, and have a great rescue dog. My ex is very jealous of the dog. I do spend a lot of time with the dog(he goes to work with me, etc, etc). The dog has allergies, and is going on medication soon. We live in a very small cabin in the woods, and it's basically a two room apartment. My ex gets very mad at the dog when he itches(sounds stupid, I know), but this has caused many arguments. I also feed my dog a raw diet, and my ex doesn't agree with it. I can barely pet my dog, without feeling like my ex is getting mad at me.

 

It's very hard to know what to do, I love him very much, and would love nothing more to be engaged to him eventually.

 

I've brought the marriage topic up so much, he won't talk about it, and I don't necessarily blame him.

 

In may, we will be together for 2 years. I think he should know by now if he wants to move forward to marriage EVENTUALLY or not..he can't give me an answer. The fact that he is so indecisive drives me nuts. When he broke up with me 2 weeks ago, I cried pretty much all day long. He said he is in no place to do that right now..but we are happy together..

 

I have a feeling that when May comes around, which is soon, he will break up with me for good..or decide to live together again. But, how long do I wait for a commitment?

[Appleanche]

You DON'T wait for a commitment. You keep saying you are happy together but you're obviusly not because you want to be married and want a commitment from him and he broke up with you. Listen to a man when he says he doesn't want to get married - he is being honest. He is showing you how he feels; you're just not wanting to hear it: HE BROKE UP WITH YOU. You have the feeling that come May he will be done with you permanently... is that something you really want to hang around for?

 

And the whole dog issue; what does he expect you to do, give up your dog? He is being unfair and ridiculous. Just curious: who came first, him or the dog?

[darkmoon]

i don't see why you are stuck on two years, why not three? i do not ask lightly, and your boyf might be wondering the same

 

if it's two years or else, then keep to the ultimatum and live with the consequences of the insistence that he resists

 

if you "have a feeling" and are sure by May that you'll split, then you can only try to accept his terms or lose him

[vtgirl]

The dog came first. I can see my ex's point of view a little bit..we have a small apartment, and he doesn't want raw meat on the floor, so I feed him outside. He thinks I'm "all over" my dog all the time..

 

I have changed some of the things I do with my dog, and I'm fine with that.

I recently just got my dog tested for allergies, because it was bothering my ex so bad. It's not like I'm not trying to take care of the problem, I am!

 

About the commitment thing, he says he's happy with me, but says he broke up with me because of the marriage issue. Is that a legitimate reason to break up? Like I said, I go over and stay at out apartment a few days a week, and it is good, no issues, except for the dog. I can't picture my life without my ex right now. I don't want to lose him just because I am too focused on getting engaged. It's just the fact that we have been together for almost 2 years, and he can't tell me if he sees himself with me for the long run...that's strange to me.

 

I told him I would be willing to be in the relationship and try to make it work, and I wouldn't bring up the commitment issue for a long time..but I'm torn with what to it. We don't have a relationship with tons of issues..I believe the issues we have can be worked out, but the commitment is tough..I feel like it was so easy for him to let go of our relationship two weeks ago..his reasoning was commitment.

[TeeZee]

He is giving you the information you need. "I don't know" means "I'm not thinking of a future for us". I was him in my last relationship. After 1.5 years "I didn't know" and she pushed to move in and I realized I wasn't in love with her. If she would have brought it up earlier, it would have saved her time she feels she wasted. It doesn't sound like he is that into the relationship. Ask him point blank to his face and don't let him escape. Why wait until the end of May. You have a right to know. This is not "pushing someone away" this is making them face up to their fear/indecision/whatever.

[Leigh 87]

He would know after 2 years, if he wanted to have a future with you. I am sure that he cares a LOT about you, as a person:) Howeever, I am not sure he is madly in love with you, or really in love with you.

 

NO one on love shack can tell be 100% certain about your situation, as we do not truly know how he feels, or what you two are like together.

 

 

If you are inseperable, very close, and he has told u before that he is SO in love with u, and things seamed LEGIT - that he truly loved u very much..... perhaps he DID love u, but just has fallen out of love?

 

 

 

Your life without him is going to be incredibly hard; however, your life with him will be harder in the long run.. you will be FAR better off, if you go through the pain of being without him, and find a guy WHO DOES deaply love you and want to marry you.

 

On the other hand, you could try to make it work with this guy, just so u can not have ti go through the pain of truly losing him; you would also miss out on finding a guy that would TRULY make you happy.

 

Stay with this guy to avoid the break up, and miss out on years with a guy who CAN make u FAR HAPPIER; or, leave now, go through some short term pain, and then be MUCH HAPPIER in the end, with a guy WHO WILL MARRY YOU.

 

 

 

 

This guy would know by now, if he wanted ot marry you. He will probably never change his mind.

[Appleanche]

The dog came first. I can see my ex's point of view a little bit..we have a small apartment, and he doesn't want raw meat on the floor, so I feed him outside. He thinks I'm "all over" my dog all the time..

 

I have changed some of the things I do with my dog, and I'm fine with that.

I recently just got my dog tested for allergies, because it was bothering my ex so bad. It's not like I'm not trying to take care of the problem, I am!

 

You're doing what you can and he shouldn't expect anything more. YOUR DOG CAME FIRST anyway, and you're a dog-trainer... he knew all this when you first got together. The real problem is that he is jealous of your dog... that's LAME and he sounds really insecure.

 

About the commitment thing, he says he's happy with me, but says he broke up with me because of the marriage issue. Is that a legitimate reason to break up?

 

No, not of he is serious about you. Would you break up with him if the situation were reversed, if he was ready to settle down and you weren't there yet? No. He's just not committed to you... that's why he broke up.

 

 

Like I said, I go over and stay at out apartment a few days a week, and it is good, no issues, except for the dog. I can't picture my life without my ex right now. I don't want to lose him just because I am too focused on getting engaged. It's just the fact that we have been together for almost 2 years, and he can't tell me if he sees himself with me for the long run...that's strange to me.

 

It IS strange.. unless he already knows he doesn't see himself with you for the long run. Even if he really doesn't know what he wants in the future, well that's not good either. It's too much uncertainty for you because you know how you feel and what you want. You may not have "tons of issues" but you do have a couple biggies, and you can't change those... you can't make him want what you want.

[vtgirl]

I guess I just figured he would be a man and tell me No, I see no future with you.

 

He just keeps saying I don't know. Like I said, he says he loves me, we do things together. We don't have a BAD relationship.

 

We still act like a couple, he holds my hands out in public, have sex, do fun things..

 

But, he didn't end is 2 weeks ago, and told me that he would think about us getting back together, but he says he doesn't see it working because of our commitment problem.

 

It's hard for me to realize that it's over, because not much has changed since he broke up with me two weeks ago..when our relationship is fairly solid, it's hard to see it over...

 

Any other guys here want to give me their opinion?

[Appleanche]

Just remember, it's not YOUR commitment problem, it's his. He ended it with you under the guise of 'its not fair to you because you want more than I can give you' BS yet he still acts like your boyfriend for the most part. He should be man enough to tell you that he just doesn't see a future with you but maybe he really doesn't know. If you stopped hanging out with him altogether and treated him as an ex maybe then he'd be able to figure out what you mean to him one way or another...

[Ninjainpajamas]

I guess I just figured he would be a man and tell me No, I see no future with you.

 

He just keeps saying I don't know. Like I said, he says he loves me, we do things together. We don't have a BAD relationship.

 

We still act like a couple, he holds my hands out in public, have sex, do fun things..

 

But, he didn't end is 2 weeks ago, and told me that he would think about us getting back together, but he says he doesn't see it working because of our commitment problem.

 

It's hard for me to realize that it's over, because not much has changed since he broke up with me two weeks ago..when our relationship is fairly solid, it's hard to see it over...

 

Any other guys here want to give me their opinion?

 

This is really clear cut vtgirl, he really doesn't want to be with you and he does not see a future with you two being together.

 

If a guy doesn't say yes, then he means no. Remember that in the future or you're going to be strung along again, because you're just being very stubborn, defiant and in denial about this whole relationship.

 

You think that because a man has a good relationship that means he loves you and wants to be with you forever? You know the type of women that men have the best relationships with A LOT of the time? women they don't want to be committed to. Why? because the emotions aren't there, so they're in control, things happen under their watch and because you are passive and sit by and wait for him to come around for the most part things seem great. It doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy spending time with you, or enjoys watching movies, having sex, or whatever the list of things you come up with that determine that you have a good relationship...don't you see that the most important factor here is that he is not in love with you?

 

What you're asking him to essentially do is settle for the relationship the way it is because it's so "happy" and eventually commit to you. But he CAN'T...now you're forcing him to make excuses, pull out the "my personal" issues card, he's basically doing everything he can to push you away without having to tell you just get off of his back. He doesn't want this, you need to stop harping on this guy and let him live his life and you live yours....he doesn't want to be with you, today or tomorrow. Your emotions aren't enough to turn him loving you the way you do him, it doesn't work that way...you're beating your head against a wall, why can't you see this?

 

You should never have to fight this hard to be with a man. It doesn't work that way, what is perfect for you is not perfect for him. Step outside of your box and see that what he wants you aren't able to give him, you can have all the wonderful things you could imagine in the relationship but it isn't going to change anything. What do you think you waiting for is going to do any good? Why are you pushing the marriage issue when he clearly doesn't want to discuss that with you because he doesn't want to marry you.

 

He's not going to man up and tell you the truth, why? Here's a list!

 

- He cares about you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings

- He doesn't want to feel like an *******

- He feels guilty for the way you feel about him and that he cannot reciprocate that

- He doesn't have the balls or the courage, it takes a lot of balls to tell the truth

- He'd rather break things off peacefully than have you angry and bitter at him

- The truth will hurt you far too much, look how you react now, you think he wants you hating him for telling you that he never saw a future with him? why? so you can scream at him for all the wasted years and time and make him feel more guilty? he doesn't want that, he wants to cut things off as peacefully as possible...so he feels better about himself and you just see this as bad timing or whatever excuse you can come up with that helps you accept this and move on

 

I'm sorry because I know how emotionally devastating this is to you, you obviously believed in this and loved this man with everything you had. But you gave it to the wrong person, he wasn't there with you along the way...when you look down you'll only see your footsteps in the sand and when you turn around you'll realize that he stopped walking alongside you for most of the way.

 

Sadly this is your doing through your persistence and egging him on about commitment...he wasn't interested in it. I'm not sure why women do this to men and when a man backs off they don't take that as a no, forever. I'm not sure why you feel that time is going to change that because it doesn't.

 

I hope that for your sake he mans up and finally just looks you in the eye and tells you "No, it's not going to happen ever...I'm sorry, this is over" because even though you'll cry your eyes out and hate the world for some time after that, at least you will have the chance in the future in being with a man that really does want to be with you.

 

As much as he has pushed you away you seem to be very resistant....stop it, just stop it, you're not letting go, he is. You don't have the power to make him fall in love with you, everything you experienced with this man was from loving eyes, his experience was different, he loves you and cares for you, but you're both not seeing the same thing when you look at each other.

 

Two years is long enough, sadly I think you're going to do whatever it takes not to let this go, I think you'll press yourself onto him like you have been doing for most of this relationship. But you're really just hurting yourself, I wish you would save yourself from this, he's going to keep having sex with you and using you for what he has been...he's used to it too and enjoys that aspect of it, but you're never going to get anymore than that....I hope for your sake, you don't keep doing this to yourself. I hope you find the strength inside of you to do what you need to.

[vtgirl]

Just remember, it's not YOUR commitment problem, it's his. He ended it with you under the guise of 'its not fair to you because you want more than I can give you' BS yet he still acts like your boyfriend for the most part. He should be man enough to tell you that he just doesn't see a future with you but maybe he really doesn't know. If you stopped hanging out with him altogether and treated him as an ex maybe then he'd be able to figure out what you mean to him one way or another...

 

That is what he said 2 weeks ago, "If we were to be together, I would feel guilty because you deserve more than what I can give"

 

Is this total bull****?

What do I do, stop talking alltogether, and move the rest of my stuff out?

Or wait it out??

[vtgirl]

This is really clear cut vtgirl, he really doesn't want to be with you and he does not see a future with you two being together.

 

If a guy doesn't say yes, then he means no. Remember that in the future or you're going to be strung along again, because you're just being very stubborn, defiant and in denial about this whole relationship.

 

You think that because a man has a good relationship that means he loves you and wants to be with you forever? You know the type of women that men have the best relationships with A LOT of the time? women they don't want to be committed to. Why? because the emotions aren't there, so they're in control, things happen under their watch and because you are passive and sit by and wait for him to come around for the most part things seem great. It doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy spending time with you, or enjoys watching movies, having sex, or whatever the list of things you come up with that determine that you have a good relationship...don't you see that the most important factor here is that he is not in love with you?

 

What you're asking him to essentially do is settle for the relationship the way it is because it's so "happy" and eventually commit to you. But he CAN'T...now you're forcing him to make excuses, pull out the "my personal" issues card, he's basically doing everything he can to push you away without having to tell you just get off of his back. He doesn't want this, you need to stop harping on this guy and let him live his life and you live yours....he doesn't want to be with you, today or tomorrow. Your emotions aren't enough to turn him loving you the way you do him, it doesn't work that way...you're beating your head against a wall, why can't you see this?

 

You should never have to fight this hard to be with a man. It doesn't work that way, what is perfect for you is not perfect for him. Step outside of your box and see that what he wants you aren't able to give him, you can have all the wonderful things you could imagine in the relationship but it isn't going to change anything. What do you think you waiting for is going to do any good? Why are you pushing the marriage issue when he clearly doesn't want to discuss that with you because he doesn't want to marry you.

 

He's not going to man up and tell you the truth, why? Here's a list!

 

- He cares about you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings

- He doesn't want to feel like an *******

- He feels guilty for the way you feel about him and that he cannot reciprocate that

- He doesn't have the balls or the courage, it takes a lot of balls to tell the truth

- He'd rather break things off peacefully than have you angry and bitter at him

- The truth will hurt you far too much, look how you react now, you think he wants you hating him for telling you that he never saw a future with him? why? so you can scream at him for all the wasted years and time and make him feel more guilty? he doesn't want that, he wants to cut things off as peacefully as possible...so he feels better about himself and you just see this as bad timing or whatever excuse you can come up with that helps you accept this and move on

 

I'm sorry because I know how emotionally devastating this is to you, you obviously believed in this and loved this man with everything you had. But you gave it to the wrong person, he wasn't there with you along the way...when you look down you'll only see your footsteps in the sand and when you turn around you'll realize that he stopped walking alongside you for most of the way.

 

Sadly this is your doing through your persistence and egging him on about commitment...he wasn't interested in it. I'm not sure why women do this to men and when a man backs off they don't take that as a no, forever. I'm not sure why you feel that time is going to change that because it doesn't.

 

I hope that for your sake he mans up and finally just looks you in the eye and tells you "No, it's not going to happen ever...I'm sorry, this is over" because even though you'll cry your eyes out and hate the world for some time after that, at least you will have the chance in the future in being with a man that really does want to be with you.

 

As much as he has pushed you away you seem to be very resistant....stop it, just stop it, you're not letting go, he is. You don't have the power to make him fall in love with you, everything you experienced with this man was from loving eyes, his experience was different, he loves you and cares for you, but you're both not seeing the same thing when you look at each other.

 

Two years is long enough, sadly I think you're going to do whatever it takes not to let this go, I think you'll press yourself onto him like you have been doing for most of this relationship. But you're really just hurting yourself, I wish you would save yourself from this, he's going to keep having sex with you and using you for what he has been...he's used to it too and enjoys that aspect of it, but you're never going to get anymore than that....I hope for your sake, you don't keep doing this to yourself. I hope you find the strength inside of you to do what you need to.

 

I was just hoping that he would have enough respect for me from 2 years of being together, and going through a lot together as a couple, he could look me in the eyes and tell me that he wants nothing to do with me. It seems so easy for him to not show any emotion when I'm crying in front of him.

 

It's so hard for me to picture myself without him now. I've invested so much into this relationship, and truly care about this man in my life. He says he still loves me, but I guess not in the way that I wanted from him..

[Ninjainpajamas]

One day you're going to be with a man who truly loves you, and you're going to see the drastic difference between the two and you'll wonder why you ever gave this man so much of yourself. You'll see how you had it all wrong. But right now, you actually think this the pinnacle, and worth losing...which is quite sad.

[vtgirl]

Well, he broke up with me for good last night. He was very rude about it, pretty much hung up on me.

 

After being with someone for two years, he treated me with disrespect last night on the phone. He said he doesn't care about me, and that it is easy for him to let go of me. Those words did hurt me quite a bit.

 

I asked him why he was still telling me he loved me the past two weeks, kissing me, etc, and he said loved me, but that our priorities are different.

 

I'm hurting a lot right now, and I'm trying to take the advice of ninjainpajamas is saying.

 

It's like, what do I do now, there is always a comfort of having someone to talk to every night, who listens to you, and now I don't have the person I loved talking to..and who made me feel better...

[vtgirl]

It just sucks right now, wondering if he's at work, what he's doing..how do I stop doing that?! Also I need to stop reminiscing on all the good times.

 

It's hard to believe it's ended when I thought our relationship was getting better the past two weeks..

 

But I guess I saw some of his true colors last night..

 

It's tough to think that the person you had a long relationship with who you spent so much time with, talked to every day, is no longer in your life, I'm wondering how to move on..

[silvermercy]

It's like, what do I do now, there is always a comfort of having someone to talk to every night, who listens to you, and now I don't have the person I loved talking to..and who made me feel better...

Well, here's one GOOD thing he finally did: he got the courage and broke up with you. See it now as huge favor on his part, as you did not have the strength to break up with him first.

 

No, listen to yourself. What you described here is not love. It's just habit. He did not make you feel any better, how could he? If you think he did, then you haven't seen the difference. As others already said, the relationship was good only when it was on his terms and he was in control. Once you started 'pressuring' understandably, the balance shifted and he was not in control anymore. Then things turned sour. And things should not be so hard in a loving relationship.

 

In the future, when a man's favorite phrase is "I don't know..." it just means NO. Plain and simple.

 

Again, he did you the most "kind" thing he could ever do in this "relationship" and broke up with you.

[FitChick]

Instead of being in limbo and spinning your wheels wasting a lot of time and energy, you can finally move on.