met 10 years ago...back together 3rd time

[muddledpuddled]

Hi everyone, as you can see I'm newly registered but have lurked here a little while, I just need some advice as I just don't know what to do.

 

I'm eve by the way, 28. My OH is 41 unmarried but has been with his partner 20 years and now has 2 grown up children of 17 & 18.

 

It's a long long story but ill keep it short and sweet!

 

Me and oh met 11 years ago at work, I was 17 he was 32. We had an affair for 8 months before he told his partner, however my mental health was screwed by this time due to his lies and deceit to both me and her. I kinda pushed him away in the end I guess as I just couldn't handle it, I loved him so very much and he would just spin me a web of lies...all the time. He told her out of guilt.

 

We separate. He stayed with her and eventually I moved on met someone else.

 

4 years later after trying to track me down through my family..friends reunited etc he got back in touch, my relationship at the time was then breaking down, I invited him for coffee and it was amazing. Just like before. He said he wanted to leave her, have children and a.life with me and has been in love with me ever since we broke up. Was with him about 8 weeks before I came to my senses about what I was doing. I was so scarred about being hurt by him and falling for his lies that I just ignored him..and moved so he couldn't contact me again. It worked until..now.

 

We are back together again. 3rd time lucky. However, I'm the other woman...again. I know he loves me and I'm equally crazy about him. We have been in love for 10 years, were soulmates and when were together we just work. We know this is it and we want to be together. We have wasted so much time and just want to be happy.

 

Again, he says he is leaving her, looking at houses, sorting all their joint finances out etc and then once everything's in place he will tell her. Thing is, will he? If he does will he go back? Is he just spinning me lies again and telling me what I want to hear?

 

We have spoken about the past in great depth and he admits his mistakes and takes responsiblity for his actions etc. I believe he does want a life with me and now his children are grown up its going to be easier.

 

I have 2 toddlers too but he is fine with that and says he will help bring them up and care for them but I just can't help think I am so close to having everything I have ever wanted and its just going to go wrong again.

 

I know this is one messy muddled post but hopefully as a lot of you are in similar situations you can offer some insight. Bottom line I guess is, will he leave? Or have I got fool written across my head with waiting?

 

Eve x

[muddledpuddled]

Wow reading i sound a little cuckoo! Obviously I love him, hes my soulmate and the love of my life. I know he feels the same (although all us Ow say that!) Not really sure of what questions I need answering, I just feel like I needed to get it off my chest. He knows all my worries and concerns, and he tries his best to settle them and he just says no matter what he says it means nothing until he proves his feelings and that he is being genuine, he knows that, he just asks for the chance to show me and prove to me how much he loves me. Do I risk my sanity though for something that might never happen! I know he left her the first time...but did he? Really? I'm dubious.

 

 

Sorry I'm rambling. I just need to get this all out. I haven't spoken to any one about the whole situation, in 10 years! No wonder my head is screwed!

[muddledpuddled]

I totally agree with everything you say. Thing is he actually suggested that we don't remain seeing each other until he had sorted out everything he needs to and is ready to commit completely. He says he doesn't want me to get stressed out and ill again like we both did the first time as this time he wants it to be as easy on me as possible as he put me through it enough before. He is a good man though I truly believe that. He never ever speaks badly of his girlfriend. We often talk about her and his family. He is hapy with them he never hid that, but he isn't in live with her and never really has been. He felt he owed it to her to stay because of his children. Only now has he realised that his children will pretty much have thier own lives soon and it will be a very lively life in a loveless relationship. Eurgh! I'm at a loss how to think. I'm scarred he has already got to me and I'm making excuses for him?

[bentnotbroken]

When did 17 and 18= grown up?

[whichwayisup]

Again, he says he is leaving her, looking at houses, sorting all their joint finances out etc and then once everything's in place he will tell her. Thing is, will he? If he does will he go back? Is he just spinning me lies again and telling me what I want to hear?

 

Really read this. Does this make sense? HE is going to sort their joint finances WITHOUT her input? Come on.. Please, listen..This man, as much as he may love you IS stringing you along. Not malciously, but selfishly. He is telling you what you 'want and need' to hear to hang on longer, to stay in the affair.

 

He isn't a man who is going to leave, he has a fantasy going, as do you, that 'someday' soon you two will be an item.. He'll just 'tell' his common law wife about everything and then he'll be yours, she'll give up on him immediately, everything will be smooth sailing.. He has no real "plan". If he did, he'd be telling his wife the truth now, making it as easy and painless as he can.

 

He isn't leaving. Please, look at this with more objectivity.

[whichwayisup]

When did 17 and 18= grown up?

 

17 and 18 are not grown ups. they still need parenting as well as lots of $$ for college/university. It's not like they are moving out and starting their own life! Holy cow, the way things are overall these days, kids are living with their parents and not moving out of the house!! My neighbours have a 24 year still at home!

 

Need to ask..what is OH?

[skywriter]

MP,

 

This man is 15 yrs older than you. His children are 17 and 18 yrs old, but that doesn't make them necessarily ready to strike out on their own.

 

You have two toddlers? Do you believe that your already committed boyfriend is going to want to start over with toddlers?

[Owl]

Boo me once, shame on you. Boo me twice, shame on me. Boo me three times...WTF?!?!?!

[alexandria35]

I totally agree with everything you say. Thing is he actually suggested that we don't remain seeing each other until he had sorted out everything he needs to and is ready to commit completely. He says he doesn't want me to get stressed out and ill again like we both did the first time as this time he wants it to be as easy on me as possible as he put me through it enough before. He is a good man though I truly believe that. He never ever speaks badly of his girlfriend. We often talk about her and his family. He is hapy with them he never hid that, but he isn't in live with her and never really has been. He felt he owed it to her to stay because of his children. Only now has he realised that his children will pretty much have thier own lives soon and it will be a very lively life in a loveless relationship. Eurgh! I'm at a loss how to think. I'm scarred he has already got to me and I'm making excuses for him?

 

Well I think you should take him up on his offer of no contact until he is actually seperated. He's had 11 years to leave this partner whom he doesn't even love and he isn't even married to. I really have to question the integrity of a person who stays with a gf or bf for twenty years and claims that they have never loved that person. Just because he's happy being in a loveless relationship doesn't mean she is. He should have let her go years ago. Have you ever spoken to his gf? I bet she doesn't know that she has spent the last 20 years of her life with someone who doesn't love her.

 

He wants to get their joint finances in order before he tells her? How exactly can he do that? What does he think he just going to tell her how he has already made all the decisions regarding how the finances are going to be upon his leaving and she's just going to say "okay dear. Whatever you say"? LOL. Nothing will be in order until he has her agreement. If he is serious about leaving he should be telling her NOW, then they can both get their finances in order. Or is he planning on pulling the rug out from under her both emotionally and financially by making decisions behind her back regarding her financial well being? Either way he doesn't sound like a good guy to me. He is either stringing you along or he is planning on screwing her over good.

[Fitz]

Sure, someone can feel like they are your "soul mate" because you love them deeply, but in reality there is no such thing.

 

I would say stop using that word for starters. It brainwashes you into thinking there is no one else out there for you. But there is.

Edited March 6, 2012 by Fitz

[Emme]

Boo me once, shame on you. Boo me twice, shame on me. Boo me three times...WTF?!?!?!

 

 

*dead* I can't... ROFL... lord help me.

 

 

 

Eve, what I will tell you is make your children your priority. That means that you should not put so much energy and thought into what will come. If this relationship was meant to be it will happen. If you have to spend your time worrying about it that's not healthy. Take care of you.

[MissBee]

Muddled,

 

I agree with Owl....allowing someone THREE chances, esp when the first two went exactly the same way, and based on what you said about this time, NOTHING has changed....doesn't make sense.

 

I don't believe you guys are soulmates...so much as a dysfunctional cycle is on repeat. If you had "found each other" again AFTER he was divorced and you were both ready and available to make it work, it would be a sweet story of soulmates uniting maybe. But if you have found yourself as his OW for the third time as he tells the same story from before...it is not romantic or "soulmatey" but messed up!

 

Your fear is actually your smart brain kicking in and saying "HELLO...you SHOULD be afraid!" I believe most here who come with concerns end up being right about the very thing they fear. I think many in similar situations get on LS knowing the truth but telling the story to see if just maybe what their gut is saying is wrong, but a lot of times it is not. A lot of times all your questions and concerns are all you need to realize that "this is not it". I'd suggest you not be suckered in yet again....your smart brain is already fighting what it knows is a tumultuous situation...yet your hopeful brain is pushing you forward in desperation to be loved by this man and treated well when you have not been before.

 

You say when you're together you guys "work"....it's funny as you've never been in a "real" relationship, so you have no clue. Your trysts work...trysts are notoriously easy to work out and long lost supposed lovers who reunite for short spats of time and are perpetually in the honeymoon stage always feel like "they work"; yet without the relationship seeing the light of normal day...you have no clue if it is working or simply hype over substance.

 

I suggest you focus on you and your kids and not mess around with him. If and when he sorts his life out, he knows where you are. But don't do a disservice to yourself by continuing this cycle.

Edited March 6, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Sure, someone can feel like they are your "soul mate" because you love them deeply, but in reality there is no such thing.

 

I would say stop using that word for starters. It brainwashes you into thinking there is no one else out there for you. But there is.

 

I agree.

 

I believe we have multiple "ones". I believe in a soul group i.e. there is a group of people who can be your soulmates and sometimes soulmates are not even romantic. My bestfriend for sure is one of my soulmates

 

I don't think anyone has only ONE "true" love and especially if your "one true love" comes with severe obstacles: married to another, lives on another continent, is related to you etc. Then perhaps they are indeed a member of your soul group, but not the one you should be pursuing for a relationship, as evidently the circumstances prove almost impossible.

 

If my soulmate is married to someone else...then if he REALLY is meant to be mine in this life, I believe he will shift the circumstances and all things will align. If I am fighting against the current...then perhaps I need to reevaluate his rightness for me right now and move on to find another member of my soul group who comes with better circumstances, versus resigning myself to the notion that this one person is it for me so I need to be their OW or do some other out of the way thing for them, that in the end is taxing and not that fulfilling anyway.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yikes. That is a very disheartening story.

 

Basically, a middle aged man took advantage of a teenager and the teenager's life has been defined by that for more than a decade.

 

I think the guy is a pig. And I really hope that part of you can see that you are fulfilling a role for him by being exactly as you have been all these years in his life - the "other woman" and "the one that got away." He needed someone in that role, clearly. I believe that if he ever dumps the mother of his children and commits to you, someone else will fulfill that role for him. It's way too deeply engrained of a pattern to just abandon.

 

But, you love him and he's your "soul mate."

 

The very least you can do for yourself is to accept his offer to not see each other until he has extricated himself from his relationship and family. Take it two steps further, though - go NO CONTACT with him until he accomplishes this, and BE SINGLE. Be open to other dating opportunities.

 

I'm sorry you were taken advantage of and sacrificed your youth and your mental health for a lying loser, and I do understand that the experience has defined your life to a large extent. But now you are a grown up woman with your own children. Please don't give your power, chance for a good, happy life, and your kids' chance to have a present, rational and wise mother over to a manipulator and to your desire to believe in magical fairy tales.