A Very Difficult Situation

[stse586]

So 2 weeks ago today, my brother in law told my sister he wants a divorce and that there is someone else. No warning or fights before. They have been married 15 years and have 4 kids together (15 yr, 13 yr, 2 yr, and 4 months). He is almost 35 and she is 34. I hear conflicting things about the relationship length, but it is between 2 to 4 months. He travels for his job, and it is the office manager at the main office. So he can see her a lot without anyone knowing. My sister had no clue there where any big problems in the marriage, but of course there are normal small issues.

 

My BIL has every classical sign that he is going through a midlife crisis. I could check every box on lists I've read.

 

My sister started counseling the day after, and she was diagnosed with severe depression which they think has been ongoing since she was 10 or 12 years old. I never knew things were so bad since she never said a lot about it. She made me cry when she said "I would wake up everyday and say 'I hate myself and my life.' She said it was for so many years she thought it was normal.

 

Well, her husband left a few days later for a business trip to no other place than the main office where this girl is for a week. She just turned 24, and I can't imagine she will stick around when reality hits with the responsibilities of the kids. She met my sister last year with all the kids at a couple of fundraisers for the company.

 

In the week he was gone, she was getting suicidal and having huge mood swings. She was prescribed a medication after her initial appointment, so I don't know if it was causing the swings. She goes from being so hopeful to such a dark place it is frightening. Me, our mom, and my aunt all came over and stayed at the house while BIL was gone to help.

 

So he came back and she had to work 12 hours shifts that night and the next night. The second night he called her at 1:30am and told her he never loved her even when they got married. It was just a cold, cruel uncalled for comment. He KNOWS she is suicidal, and he does that.

 

She called my mom and left work. Of course we freaked out since we didn't know if she would make it to my mom's house and her co-workers ran outside when we told them her fragile state but she had left the parking lot. She did make it to my mom's, and was so bad. She called 911 to take her to the hospital.

 

She's been in the hospital psych ward since Sunday and may go home tomorrow. She still wants to work on the marriage, but he is very distant and cold. He visits her in the hour we have per day to see her. It is depressing to see her giving him 'puppy dog eyes'. He even says mean comments in there to her. We talked to the nurse, but she said she can not legally not let a visitor in unless the patient says it.

 

Last night, when we went to leave I told him nicely and calmly to please be nice. I am not asking him to give her hope about the marriage, but to just keep be supportive and bring the kids. Then she will concentrate more on them. I seriously tried to do it nonconfrontational, and I think I did. My mom was angry (so am I but it wouldn't help in what I had to say), and she was definitely letting him know.

 

He told my sister some crazy version of what was said, and now my sister is mad and telling us she wants him and for us not to bother coming if we won't be nice to him. We will for her, but I can't put up with nasty comments right infront of me anymore.

 

It came out at his work this relationship is going on, and the owner said this is a big problem. He was grooming him to be the CEO when he retired next year. So he may lose his job or the upcoming big promotion.

 

He is now going around and giving all the people in the area some sugar coated version of this. He doesn't want to move out until mid or late June when the kids are done with school. I can't see this being even remotely healthy. The kids think their mom is depressed, and just yesterday he told them they were having some relationship issues. Other than that, they don't know.

 

I really don't know what to do. He is playing head games, and I can't believe he is trying to put her against me and my mom. I quit my job to be able to help her for the coming months. She is still going to have therapy for atleast a week or two where she comes in for the day. Then the psychiatrist will find her someone close to her house.

 

This is a simplified version since it would be a book. I will be supportive to my sister and be nice to my BIL for that reason only. I never would have believed 2 weeks ago that my sister would be in a psych ward and all this craziness.

 

What would you do in this situation?