Am I too selfish thinking about leaving my wife?

[TempSain]

Just wanted to get some advice and comments from others on my situation.

 

I have been married 4 years with my wife. We dated about 3 years on and off before the wedding.

No children. We are in our late 20's - early 30's

We had a good relationship at the begining but as time went on, everything became routine.

 

I have paid all of the bills for the first 2 and a half years of our marriage.

Recently she has helped with half the bills because I am not doing as well.

I think this is the root of our problem. My attitude and hers are different regarding money.

I feel that if you are working, you should contribute.

My wife on the otherhand has always insited that the man has the financial responsibilities in the household.

Now I am not poor by any means but giving me such a burden has turned me off. I feel as if the wife is using me. I know she isn't but just her attitude makes me feel this way. The last 2 years have been very difficult for me financially. I have often thought about leaving her as a result. Simply put, I can't afford her. She wants the best of everything and gives me ultimatums like "By next year, you better make it big so that I can quit work and stay home." What does that mean? Will she leave me if I don't make the big bucks again? I want someone that loves me for who I am regardless of our money situation. I want a partner that will be there through the good times and the bad.

I feel trapped. On top of that, our sex life has no pulse. We engage maybe once a month if I am lucky. She always mentions that she is tired from working and that if she stayed home, she would have the energy to satisfy me.

 

Is this how my life is gonna be until I die? Am I forever imprissoned as a slave to this queen?

If so , I want out now while I am still young and able to find someone else that will love me for who I am.

[Wolvesbaned]

Have you tried telling her how you feel? If you haven't you should ... sit her down, know exactly what you want to convey, let her know the seriousness of it all and how it makes you feel. See what she says. Maybe she doesn't realize how unreasonable she is or how she's putting undo pressure on you.

 

Whatever you do, don't jump the gun and resort to separation and divorce too quickly. Talk, communicate. See how she feels when you've told her your side. Decide together what's best to do if you can't compromise. You did, afterall, come into this together, you can solve it together too.

 

Best of luck to you.

[azgirl]

What the f ck?? I'm sorry TempSain. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Women like this give us all a bad name! I'm not trying to bash your wife, here, but I have NO respect for women like that. I am the complete opposite! When my ex wasn't working for a little while, and he was strapped, I helped him out (just a little - spending cash, etc) and when I was short on money BIG TIME - he had to fight me tooth and nail to take a little help from him.

 

I am very independent and don't like being taken care of in that way. I will accept help if I have to, but I can't believe that she told you that you "better make it big by next year so she could quit work." Un-f***ing-believable!

 

Anyway, I'm sorry. This really sucks and I do not blame you for thinking of leaving. I say give it some serious thought, but here's one thing to consider - if you decide - do it NOW. NOW before she quits her job and can't support herself. Then you are really stuck.

 

That's just my two cents.

[azgirl]

Oh and I'm sorry - forgot to comment on the sex issue. What a crock of sh*t!??! "If she didn't have to work, she'd have the enrgy." WTF is that?? C'mon! You know - when I was with my boyfriend we worked to keep our sex life alive. Not that we needed to work THAT hard But still - sometimes he would be horny and I wouldn't really be feeling into it - but you know what?? I'd open my MIND up first that he may be able to GET me into it and enjoy the intimacy even though initially I was "tired" or "not up to it." And I rarely turned him down - had to be sick or something. And when I would feel him slow down a little in the sack - I wouldn't bitch. I would just say lightly "Hey - I know you are tired when you come home from a long day. Got time for an 'appointment' for a quickie between jobs?" And he almost always did. Or if we didn't get around to it that night - too tired, a few too many cocktails, or what ever. I'd set my alarm early to give him man's "favorite wake-up call" and we'd take it from there.

 

Bitching about money? And a crappy sex-life?? Doesn't sound too fulfilling. There just might be someone out there more right for you.

[TempSain]

Originally posted by Wolvesbaned

Have you tried telling her how you feel? If you haven't you should ... sit her down, know exactly what you want to convey, let her know the seriousness of it all and how it makes you feel. See what she says. Maybe she doesn't realize how unreasonable she is or how she's putting undo pressure on you.

 

Whatever you do, don't jump the gun and resort to separation and divorce too quickly. Talk, communicate. See how she feels when you've told her your side. Decide together what's best to do if you can't compromise. You did, afterall, come into this together, you can solve it together too.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Wolvesbaned:

 

Thanks for replying,

Yes, I have told her several times that she is putting too much pressure on me. We live very well for our age. Better than ALL of our friends, yet she wants more. I have mentioned that I would like to scale down to a smaller home and have less financial burden, yet she won't agree to it. I have mentioned counselling before and she just gets mad at me. She wont talk to me for a day or two when I mention it. I am at my last leg on this marriage.

I have spoken to my family and everyone has agreed that it be best to leave her and start fresh.

I am just having serious

[TempSain]

Originally posted by azgirl

Oh and I'm sorry - forgot to comment on the sex issue. What a crock of sh*t!??! "If she didn't have to work, she'd have the enrgy." WTF is that?? C'mon! You know - when I was with my boyfriend we worked to keep our sex life alive. Not that we needed to work THAT hard But still - sometimes he would be horny and I wouldn't really be feeling into it - but you know what?? I'd open my MIND up first that he may be able to GET me into it and enjoy the intimacy even though initially I was "tired" or "not up to it." And I rarely turned him down - had to be sick or something. And when I would feel him slow down a little in the sack - I wouldn't bitch. I would just say lightly "Hey - I know you are tired when you come home from a long day. Got time for an 'appointment' for a quickie between jobs?" And he almost always did. Or if we didn't get around to it that night - too tired, a few too many cocktails, or what ever. I'd set my alarm early to give him man's "favorite wake-up call" and we'd take it from there.

 

Bitching about money? And a crappy sex-life?? Doesn't sound too fulfilling. There just might be someone out there more right for you.

 

AZGIRL:

 

Your SuperWoman!

Man is your BF lucky.

Its been a while since my wife acted like that.

Thanks for sharing. I realy needed that from a women's perspective.

 

I am in no way a perfect man but I have had plenty of girls that would have loved to marry me. I searched hi and low and thought she (my wife) was the one. She had the looks, education, family and her heart at the time was with me (so I thought). Knowing what I do know now, I think being single is not that bad. Its ok to fall in love with someone and even live with them but I think people get lazy after the wedding. They don't try as hard.

 

How are you doing? Are things getting better?

[azgirl]

Thanks, TempSain. And yes - he was lucky. We are still not getting anywhere closer to getting back together. Can you believe him?? Yeah - (not to toot my own horn) but he's passing on this?? What the hell? Actually, Temp - I know what the hell. And unfortunately it isn't me. Or fortunately?? Whichever. After last week, I thought things were getting back to normal - or getting better - then he turned all cold. So I basically forced him to tell me why he was behaving like this. We met for a drink last night to discuss it.

 

The basic answers that I got had NOTHING to do with me other than the fact that he "doesn't want to be grilled." I said, "What's going on?" (When I first got there) And he said, "What do you think is going on?" I said. "You found someone else?" And he said, "No! My whole world has been turned upside down." I think I've told you before about his little saga with his family - that he left today to go deal with. But, anyway - he tells me that he can't think straight, can't remember what he did an hour ago, doubts himself constantly, and on and on he goes. It kills me to see him hurting this badly. I responded by telling him that he needs to talk about it. He says he doesn't want to because it doesn't change anything. I said "No you are right because if that were the case, you and I would be back together and I would have my dream job right now." I said "you aren't the only human whose life isn't or hasn't always been perfect. Talking helps. It's not healthy to bottle things up inside. It's bad for your soul." He said "well when you feel like you no longer have a soul you don't really care what happens."

 

Basically, I ended the whole discussion by telling him that I just wanted to get along and be friends while I still live there (Oh - get this - he tells me that 'friends cannot just have casual sex' - I say 'yes they can. that's exactly who does. It's lovers that can't' ) Needless to say we had sex last week. The fact that he has a hard time with that tells me that he still has a lot of feeling for me that he is burying because of what is going on in his life. Anyway ... I tell him that I do not want him as my boyfriend right now. He's in no condition to be one. But that I am not giving up on him because I do not give up on the people that I care about. He needs to learn a lesson that that is not what people do. I told him that I would be there for him no matter what. He hasn't had a lot of that in his life - not even from his family. Am I handling this properly??

 

As for you - I think it's time to consider leaving. There are women out there who understand how to work at a relationship and be independent, as well. I'm living proof. You do have to work at them - they don't just happen. I gave 110% to mine. I made some mistakes, too. I admitted them and moved on. But I worked at pleasing him in all aspects of our relationship. (not just the bedroom - but sometimes that requires a little maintenance, as well to keep the spark alive.) And it sounds like she is a user and a taker and gives nothing in return. Mine - well - he is so emotionally dysfunctional right now that he is just "shutting down." (his exact words) and he can't give to me either. I'd like to think that if I stick by him (as a friend) through all of this - we could get through this storm and start over. But I am not fooling myself. It may happen and it may not. I am over the worst of it. I have nothing to lose by sticking by him and maybe our beautiful (new and improved) relationship if I do, right??

[Shasta]

I agree with azgirl. You really need to leave her if you've even considered it. Your not happy with your marriage, and from the way it sounds, you won't be able to make her happy. If she is giving you ultimatums, then you need to back out right now. She's the type of girl that needs a billionaire to make her happy, and even that won't be enough for her. If she really loved you, she would be supportive of you and do anything to make your marriage work. Run now while you still can!

[TempSain]

AZGIRL:

 

Sorry to hear your situation is about the same as last week.

You seem to be there mentally better than he is.

Maybe with you gone for a few days, it will be best for the both of you.

I think you should think of yourself first in all cases. You never know how it will end up with your BF.

It may be hard because you have strong feelings for him but you have to have an exit strategy.

Hey, this is advice I can use too. :-)

Anyways, I really think there is another women in your BF's life.

Please let me know your thoughts on that when you get back.

 

SHASTA:

 

Thanks for commenting.

I have always known that our relationship was 1 sided (all hers).

But I have tried to stick it out because I didn't want to become a statistic.

Yes the ultimatum really hurt me. I didn't expect that from her. I know that you can't ever satisfy a materialistic person. I know, I use to be that way too. But being older than her, I have learned.

I just wish that she could see it as well.....

[Wolvesbaned]

Knowing what I do know now, I think being single is not that bad. Its ok to fall in love with someone and even live with them but I think people get lazy after the wedding. They don't try as hard.

 

I completely agree with you. I would never marry again unless I was planning to have a family. I've learned my lesson and will never marry for just love alone and the thought that I would want to spend the rest of my life with someone --people change and it's too easy to take someone for granted when you're married. Bah humbug to them all!

 

Yes, I have told her several times that she is putting too much pressure on me. We live very well for our age. Better than ALL of our friends, yet she wants more. I have mentioned that I would like to scale down to a smaller home and have less financial burden, yet she won't agree to it. I have mentioned counselling before and she just gets mad at me. She wont talk to me for a day or two when I mention it. I am at my last leg on this marriage.

I have spoken to my family and everyone has agreed that it be best to leave her and start fresh.

 

Such a shame. I wonder when she'll ever realize that a huge house in the right neighborhood is nothing without the one you love. Her mentality makes me wonder if she'll ever want to "trade-up" if given the chance. I've heard of people like that, marrying a multitude of times, consequently to men with money (most decades older than them). It takes a particular type of person to do that kinda thing. Sorry I got off the topic, this Jennifer Lopez wedding/my last conversation about my aunt's friend (married 5X) is fresh on my mind.

 

Back to the important stuff: Love. It's always about love you know --no matter how people downplay it. Will you be able to move on without her? I'm not asking if you can separate and eventually divorce, but can you imagine yourself with someone else? I ask this because of the fresh-start comment. Getting over a divorce takes time. If you're truly considering it, and it seems you've tried, just understand that it'll take time.

 

People tell me this all the time... that I'm still young and lucky I know now, and there's so many people out there, etcetc, things I know already... but it's gonna take time.

 

I wish you the best.

[TempSain]

Wolvesbaned:

 

I am glad you can see my point of view when it comes to being single.

Seems like you have been through alot yourself with your previous marriage.

Hope the divorce was for the better. Are you happier now?

 

As for me, yes, it sucks to be in my shoes now. I feel so trapped.

I think your comment about being able to love another made me realize something, I am not in love with her.

Yes, its the familiar old statement, "I love you but I am not in love with you" I truely feel this toward her at this time. I do see myself with other women and I don't think I would regret leaving my wife. I would need some time to emotionally detach myself from her but I think it will be a renewal for me.

 

As for J-Lo, I heard speculation that she is pregnant and that was the reason for her rushed marriage.

I can't figure her out, oh well, at least she is happy,.. (for the moment).