Fiancee is emotionally abusing me

[joshsmith8110]

She is controlling, bossing, my way or the high way. She believes in only her opinions and cant seem to grasp anyone elses especially my own. She is trying to get me to be just like her....be more social, less perverted, but more silly acting. Most emotionally expressive and more caring about what others thing and just more caring in general and also more detailed in how i talk...Basically trying ot get me to act like a woman...I feel she should love me for who i am. But no she wont be happy until i am a replica of her..and then i doubt that would be enough...One of the most annoying qualites about her that i cant stand is she will counter what i say....so for example today i said you can invite those 2 friends you wanted to our wedding and i guess i will invite someone myself....she said rudely who you going to invite some random person? i say no maybe i'll invite either josh or kevin. She then does her famous counter what i say move and says laughing at me over the phone...why would you invite either of those guys you barely hang out with them or talk to them...and i say i hang out with kevin on occasion adn see him at work and josh he once was a good friend we just lost contact but talk on occasion....to which she counters once again while laughign talk to josh? and how often you talk every 3 months? God talk about her sucking the life out of me .....she always counters everything i say...and of course if i say how about you just get off my back and let me do what i want then she gets in a bad mood and well she starts to question why we are even toghther...what the hell is waht i am thinking at that point in time....anwaysy....we see each other 3 times out of the week because we dont live together and both go to college and have jobs and out of those 3 days probably have sex once and i have to initate. Sometimes during those nights she is to tired to have sex. Sometimes like 2 weeks ago we were at her house alone and i even asked we going to have sex and she said we dont have to have sex everytime no one is home.....well we dont get an empty house no more than every 4 or 5 months...so the fact we didnt get intimate when a great oppurtunity arose got me mad and shocked me that she didnt care to have sex...waht is even more shocking is that she is 24 and im 26....shoudlnt we be having sex every day????? its like she is 60 and sex every 2 weeks is fine.......and to talk about affection she needs little a kiss here and a kiss there basically when she wants affection. Anytime i say i need mroe affection she says man up. When she is unhappy with me she will usually just shut down and not want to talk. So here i am trying to work things out but its like talking to a brick wall. When she finally decides to talk about it she usually brings up well maybe were just not meant to be together. We are just so different from each other. Nothing every seems to be good enough for her. After reading a few articles i feel like i am being emotionally abused by my fiancee.

Edited March 8, 2012 by joshsmith8110

[darkmoon]

i should suppose that u were both happy to date together and fall in love? not now, now she is play-acting at being a grown-up wife/woman (in her mind) and less of a girlfriend - beware and look around to see that not all of us women posture like her - i see she's a pushy sexless wife in your future, because she's changing/changed

Edited March 8, 2012 by darkmoon

[Nightsky]

The title Fiancee is emotionally abusing you made me think you were a woman. Stick up for yourself and break up if things arn't working.

[CC12]

Emotional abuse is a very serious, painful thing to go through, so if that truly is what is happening in your relationship then I'm very sorry you're going through that.

 

However, if you are throwing around that term to describe your argumentative girlfriend who sometimes won't have sex with you, then you are devaluing the importance of actual emotional abuse. Bickering and having unequal sex drives is not abuse in itself.

 

Anyway, I don't want to get into a pissing contest about what is abuse and what isn't, so if you honestly do feel like you're being abused, then please get out of that relationship.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Part of me wonders if this is even a serious post...you don't want her to tell you to be less...perverted?? And you want sex every day? Good luck with that, pal.

[stillafool]

If you feel you are being abused now please don't marry her. It will get worse.

[fallenenvy]

Emotional abuse is a very serious, painful thing to go through, so if that truly is what is happening in your relationship then I'm very sorry you're going through that.

 

However, if you are throwing around that term to describe your argumentative girlfriend who sometimes won't have sex with you, then you are devaluing the importance of actual emotional abuse. Bickering and having unequal sex drives is not abuse in itself.

 

Anyway, I don't want to get into a pissing contest about what is abuse and what isn't, so if you honestly do feel like you're being abused, then please get out of that relationship.

 

I wanted to say something along these lines and wasnt sure how to word it.. but you got it.

 

It sounds like incompatibility.. or perhaps the OP is just in a really pissy mood today and felt the need to vent. Im sure if my bf deeply upset and aggravated me i could write a long post about what a crappy bf he is and all the stuff he does that gets to me.. but in reality hes a really great person and really good to me.. everyone has flaws.. thats just life.

 

Also.. OP isn't really asking anything.. more of a rant followed by a statement which leads me to believe he isn't looking for advice as much as he just wanted to rant a bit.

 

HOWEVER if she really is that bad OP should get out....theres nothing good about abbusive relationships (having been in one) and i would never wish that on anyone male or female

[joshsmith8110]

No this isnt some post of me just being pissed at my girlfriend so i am venting. And i never said anything about sex everyday. And my fiancee wants me to be more social, to be more talkative, to be more silly, to be less perverted. But what the hell she wants me to be like her......because if its her way its the right way. If its not done her way I'm stupid for not doing it the proper way. Perhaps I put my balls in her pursue and I need to get them back and this is why she is acting this way.

 

But anyways i was just looking to get some opinions on the matter. To give some more examples because i didnt want to rant and complain about her for 5 hours. First I'm sure some of you know what it is like to walk on egg shells and your afraid actually of doin stuff because will yoru partner get mad at you. The thing that gets me really mad is she even admits she is bossing, controlling, stubborn, wants it her way, she is impatient, and a bitch. YES I KNOW I AM DUMB FOR BEING WITH HER. so please dont be saying that. but we have been togther for 5 years now or however long and it hasnt always been that way. PLus I dont live by the philospohy of when the goings gets tuff give up. I believe i can fix this if i man up. Or am i brainwashed and hopeless... What you think?? I believe me giving up the pants has made her be this way because she knows she will get her way. Maybe though i have been brainwashed into thinking this behavior is my fault.

Example anytime we do argue which is basically her being unhappy and me doing something wrong. Thats no exaggeration either. every argument we have ever had it is her being unhappy and i did something wrong. It has come to the point where its like if i do this will she be mad if i do that will she be mad. A relationship shouldnt be like that.

 

Last week i didnt say good morning and wasnt very talkative in the morning. I never am she knows I am not. So she walked away and got mad for the next few hours and even told me to leave the house because i didnt say good morning and wasnt talkative and basically insisted it was my fault she is feeling this way. She never takes blame for any of our problems. instead her being mad at the moment is due to me and its my fault.

 

I really think I am going crazy part of me is like No this behavior isnt your fault and the other half is saying she is only acting this way because you did somethign wrong and you let her get away with being a brat.

 

I dont know what to think...kind of why i am here.

 

This isnt just some fiancee ranting I've been dealing with this since a month after our engagement. It seems the serious we get the more control she wants.

[BewitchedandBothered]

No this isnt some post of me just being pissed at my girlfriend so i am venting. And i never said anything about sex everyday. And my fiancee wants me to be more social, to be more talkative, to be more silly, to be less perverted. But what the hell she wants me to be like her......because if its her way its the right way. If its not done her way I'm stupid for not doing it the proper way. Perhaps I put my balls in her pursue and I need to get them back and this is why she is acting this way.

 

But anyways i was just looking to get some opinions on the matter. To give some more examples because i didnt want to rant and complain about her for 5 hours. First I'm sure some of you know what it is like to walk on egg shells and your afraid actually of doin stuff because will yoru partner get mad at you. The thing that gets me really mad is she even admits she is bossing, controlling, stubborn, wants it her way, she is impatient, and a bitch. YES I KNOW I AM DUMB FOR BEING WITH HER. so please dont be saying that. but we have been togther for 5 years now or however long and it hasnt always been that way. PLus I dont live by the philospohy of when the goings gets tuff give up. I believe i can fix this if i man up. Or am i brainwashed and hopeless... What you think?? I believe me giving up the pants has made her be this way because she knows she will get her way. Maybe though i have been brainwashed into thinking this behavior is my fault.

Example anytime we do argue which is basically her being unhappy and me doing something wrong. Thats no exaggeration either. every argument we have ever had it is her being unhappy and i did something wrong. It has come to the point where its like if i do this will she be mad if i do that will she be mad. A relationship shouldnt be like that.

 

Last week i didnt say good morning and wasnt very talkative in the morning. I never am she knows I am not. So she walked away and got mad for the next few hours and even told me to leave the house because i didnt say good morning and wasnt talkative and basically insisted it was my fault she is feeling this way. She never takes blame for any of our problems. instead her being mad at the moment is due to me and its my fault.

 

I really think I am going crazy part of me is like No this behavior isnt your fault and the other half is saying she is only acting this way because you did somethign wrong and you let her get away with being a brat.

 

I dont know what to think...kind of why i am here.

 

This isnt just some fiancee ranting I've been dealing with this since a month after our engagement. It seems the serious we get the more control she wants.

It doesn't sound like it will get any better. Could be that you are both simply incompatible. For her to call you those names is awful and I doubt that it will stop.

[BewitchedandBothered]

No this isnt some post of me just being pissed at my girlfriend so i am venting. And i never said anything about sex everyday. And my fiancee wants me to be more social, to be more talkative, to be more silly, to be less perverted. But what the hell she wants me to be like her......because if its her way its the right way. If its not done her way I'm stupid for not doing it the proper way. Perhaps I put my balls in her pursue and I need to get them back and this is why she is acting this way.

 

But anyways i was just looking to get some opinions on the matter. To give some more examples because i didnt want to rant and complain about her for 5 hours. First I'm sure some of you know what it is like to walk on egg shells and your afraid actually of doin stuff because will yoru partner get mad at you. The thing that gets me really mad is she even admits she is bossing, controlling, stubborn, wants it her way, she is impatient, and a bitch. YES I KNOW I AM DUMB FOR BEING WITH HER. so please dont be saying that. but we have been togther for 5 years now or however long and it hasnt always been that way. PLus I dont live by the philospohy of when the goings gets tuff give up. I believe i can fix this if i man up. Or am i brainwashed and hopeless... What you think?? I believe me giving up the pants has made her be this way because she knows she will get her way. Maybe though i have been brainwashed into thinking this behavior is my fault.

Example anytime we do argue which is basically her being unhappy and me doing something wrong. Thats no exaggeration either. every argument we have ever had it is her being unhappy and i did something wrong. It has come to the point where its like if i do this will she be mad if i do that will she be mad. A relationship shouldnt be like that.

 

Last week i didnt say good morning and wasnt very talkative in the morning. I never am she knows I am not. So she walked away and got mad for the next few hours and even told me to leave the house because i didnt say good morning and wasnt talkative and basically insisted it was my fault she is feeling this way. She never takes blame for any of our problems. instead her being mad at the moment is due to me and its my fault.

 

I really think I am going crazy part of me is like No this behavior isnt your fault and the other half is saying she is only acting this way because you did somethign wrong and you let her get away with being a brat.

 

I dont know what to think...kind of why i am here.

 

This isnt just some fiancee ranting I've been dealing with this since a month after our engagement. It seems the serious we get the more control she wants.

..."shoudlnt we be having sex every day????? its like she is 60 and sex every 2 weeks is fine..."--you did say something about sex every day.

[twistluv]

I registered, so tht i can reply ur question. i hope it will help u.

 

firstly, has she been like this since the begining? i believe she wasnt. I am speaking through experience.

 

Feelings change, people change. When there is love, we compromise and try to adapt. when we see what we dislike, we try to tolerate, or talk it out or argue abt it.

 

Sometimes after a long time. Things get boring, especially after few/many years. its always so easy for a long r/s to become an obligation. Hell i'll just tell u what happen to me.

 

My ex was the best boyfren that i ever had. he was always so loving n kind, always give in to evey of my demand. in the begining i was touch n in love with him. i was loving n sweet to him. i made powerpoints, brought him flowers etc. over the years, things simply change for me. i took him for granted, knowing that he will never leave me. down the road, i begin to feel so much obligations to that r/s. as i get to know him more, i felt like he wasnt man enough sometimes. i wan him to change to be better, i get easily annoyed. i love man with confidence, it annoys me when sometimes he doesnt speak up alot or doesnt say what i felt is right. i always tell him off and try to explain it to him. he would remain silence or doesnt comment much which irritates me even more, sometimes i even feel he is just plain stupid.

but than i always regret afterwards for being so mean to him, and hurting him. i thought tht he should be who he is and i shouldnt keep demanding from him. i let the thought go.

days continue and talking to him everyday becomes a duty. it annoys me to talk to him abt the same thing everyday and bores me, i would talk abt smth else and insist on whatever tht i was saying. i argue with him frequently until i get what i want, never really considering what he need. when i go home, i regret it. it seems like im such selfish a b|itch but it simply happens everytime i talk to him.

what ever arguments that we have, i always win, sometimes saying so much is like a waste of my time. i would snapped and flare up at him, blaming him for making us so miersable. always blaming him, saying he didnt do this, didnt do that. he did everything he could, to cheer me up, coax me, brought me flowers again n again.

and finally i came to realise that what a fking bitch i was, and i ask myself why i was like this. i would never ever intentionally hurt some1 , being faithful was also my first principle. alas, even though i had ppl interested in me, i ignore them, and i resented it. and i finally realise that i was not in love with my bf. if i had love him, i wouldnt have feel resentment. if i had love him i wouldnt have been such a B!tch and hurt him over n over again. eveything that he do is SIMPLY not enough. and i realise it never will be. when i finally figure out what happen, i summon my greatest courage to end things with him, instead of continue hurting him. things change for me, we were not suited. i am a women of confidences, i would BUY man FLOWERS. overtime my heart knows that he wasnt the man for the rest of my life. just my mind didnt comprehend it, until after some time. if a person love u, they wont cause u hurt over n over again.

 

i am a women and i enjoy sex too. i would have sex with my bf everyday, no problem. i dun see anything wrong with active sex everyday with the person u love. that is healthy !

but down the road, for the remaining 6 months of my r/s with my ex, we had no sex at all. i avoided it. i duno abt her.

 

have u thought of why she is easy to give up on this r/s? why is she so quick to say "maybe u 2 are not meant for each other"? i went through this too. my ex would try to make things better quickly for fear of a breakup. things will never end unless 1 party is strong enough to inititate the breakup.

 

all this are just my opinion. it pains me to see others suffering. i hope all goes well for u. it may not be the same situation. u should talk to her quietly and let her understanding what u are feeling. being open and frank is the most important in the r/s. good luck

[westrock]

What do you mean that your fiancee wants you to be "less perverted"? What kind of behaviors are you talking about? Is it her calling these behaviors perverted or is it that you also believe your behaviors are perverted?

 

From the information you've provided it is difficult to tell if this is a case of just two people who are incompatible or something more serious with her or with you or the both of you. It is likely both of you.

 

One thing that is clear is that the relationship dynamic you have described is very unhealthy.

 

On the chance this is something more serious on her part and it is determined she is emotionally abusing you, you need to become more informed about what is happening. There is an article at the following link that lists 13 signs of someone who is in a relationship with a person with borderline personality disorder. I am not saying that your fiancee has BPD but from what you have described so far there are some indicators that this is what you could be dealing with. She would have to be professionally diagnosed to be sure. Here is the link... also read some of the stories at the bottom of the article to see if you can relate.

 

link:

13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist « A Shrink for Men

 

However, to be fair to your fiancee, we are only hearing your side of the story and your fiancee could just be naturally reacting to the way you are treating her.

 

Either way, you must also accept some responsibility here. You are not blame free. You are 1/2 of this dynamic and you must accept your responsibility here for what is happening just as she has to accept her responsibility.

 

It seems you do not have good emotional boundaries and are not expressing yourself more clearly to her. Your own behavior may be triggering her to respond to you in the ways you are experiencing. This is something you need to work on.

 

Have you sat down with her and had a good talk about how you feel about the way she is treating you and asked her how she feels about the way you treat her?

 

If you feel talking with her is hard for you to do or you find it is not helpful, then insist that the two of you go to pre-marital counselling with a therapist who will help the two of you express your feelings and who will give the two of you professional guidance on how to resolve this issue.

 

You cannot change her, you can only change yourself. If you want to be with her, then you will have to accept her for who she is. If the two of you are unable to resolve this, then you need to ask yourself if you are able to live with this type of dynamic. If not, then you need to seriously consider parting ways.

 

Whatever you do, do not get married until the two of you are able to resolve this. Marriage will not make the dynamic better.

Edited March 9, 2012 by westrock

[CopingGal]

Bottom line...if you feel your partner is emotionally abusing you, don't get married. Believe me, you don't want to be stuck with someone who is emotionally abusive. You really don't...take it from me.

[hotloader]

After reading a few articles i feel like i am being emotionally abused by my fiancee.

 

Yes you are, which is why she needs to become your ex fiancee immediately. Imagine what will happen if you marry this women. I can tell you one thing, she isn't gonna change. The only thing that's gonna be different after you tie the knot, is the fact that you'll be legally bound to her by a contract. If that contract is broken, for any reason, then the consequences for you are severe. Perhaps you should contact a family law professional and plop down the $100 for a free consultation, even though you're not married yet. Ask them to tell you what divorce court is all about. It'll be the best $100 you'll ever spend.

 

I wish someone would have given me that same advice before I got married to a woman who sounds much like your fiance. In the end, I wasted six years of my life in a loveless marriage with a rotten, control freak sow of a woman. When she'd finally worn me down to a fat, pathetic, nub of my former self, she went out and cheated on me. It's been four years since I got divorced. I lost an estimated $200,000 worth of assets and savings, and damn near ate a bullet on several occasions. Especially during the first year. I thought my life was over, that I'd never recover, and that I might as well die....and I came very close to doing just that. It's nothing short of a miracle that I pulled through in the end, and I look and feel better than I did before I got married. I still have yet to recover financially though. That's slowly changing, but it was a hell of a hit.

 

Do you want this? Do you wanna go through what I did? Do you have the wherewithal to pull through the living nightmare that I went through without putting a shotgun in your mouth? These are questions that you've gotta ask yourself.

 

Marriage is a heavy, heavy commitment, especially for a man. If children are involved, it's ten thousand times more serious. I was lucky since my wife and I had no kids though. God only knows the hell my life would have been had that been the case. You really need to think things through. Right now, you can walk away and cleanse yourself of this woman and the misery that she's putting you through without any major repercussions. If I was you, I would put some serious thought into whether or not you're willing to accept the risks, because the decisions that you come to in the end may be the most important ones you'll ever make in your life. This is your life, man. Your life. Do you want this woman to have control over possibly life and death for you? Do you want to give her that power?

 

Think about it.

[CopingGal]

Yes you are, which is why she needs to become your ex fiancee immediately. Imagine what will happen if you marry this women. I can tell you one thing, she isn't gonna change. The only thing that's gonna be different after you tie the knot, is the fact that you'll be legally bound to her by a contract. If that contract is broken, for any reason, then the consequences for you are severe. Perhaps you should contact a family law professional and plop down the $100 for a free consultation, even though you're not married yet. Ask them to tell you what divorce court is all about. It'll be the best $100 you'll ever spend.

 

I wish someone would have given me that same advice before I got married to a woman who sounds much like your fiance. In the end, I wasted six years of my life in a loveless marriage with a rotten, control freak sow of a woman. When she'd finally worn me down to a fat, pathetic, nub of my former self, she went out and cheated on me. It's been four years since I got divorced. I lost an estimated $200,000 worth of assets and savings, and damn near ate a bullet on several occasions. Especially during the first year. I thought my life was over, that I'd never recover, and that I might as well die....and I came very close to doing just that. It's nothing short of a miracle that I pulled through in the end, and I look and feel better than I did before I got married. I still have yet to recover financially though. That's slowly changing, but it was a hell of a hit.

 

Do you want this? Do you wanna go through what I did? Do you have the wherewithal to pull through the living nightmare that I went through without putting a shotgun in your mouth? These are questions that you've gotta ask yourself.

 

Marriage is a heavy, heavy commitment, especially for a man. If children are involved, it's ten thousand times more serious. I was lucky since my wife and I had no kids though. God only knows the hell my life would have been had that been the case. You really need to think things through. Right now, you can walk away and cleanse yourself of this woman and the misery that she's putting you through without any major repercussions. If I was you, I would put some serious thought into whether or not you're willing to accept the risks, because the decisions that you come to in the end may be the most important ones you'll ever make in your life. This is your life, man. Your life. Do you want this woman to have control over possibly life and death for you? Do you want to give her that power?

 

Think about it.

 

You make a lot of sense. You know, seriously....thank goodness I got out of the relationship wnen I did. My bf was doing all kinds of things behind my back, lying all the time, and pretending to be invested in the relationship when he was not, talking to his ex girlfriend who lived in his city, while allowing me to think that she was in another state...seriously, there was NO end to his duplicity. It's like something you read about in a book. To this day, I can't believe I was ever involved with someone like that. Whenever I asked him about things, he just covered them with lies or told me he did not want to talk about the relationship. I don't know everything he's done. He was accused of criminal action and never really explained the case to me fully...always telling me he didn't want to talk about it. I mean...geez, I really have no idea what this man is capable of and sometimes it scares me. I can't imagine being saddled to a dysfunctional monster like this for years and years and years. I'm so glad I kicked him out of my life and have no contact with him whatsoever.

[joshsmith8110]

Twistluv or for that matter anyone got any idea then based on what Twistluv said. What can i do to reverse her being disgusted in me and treating me like a piece of crap. Fiance has even admitted she does treat me like dirt. So what twistluv said hit a note for me.

 

Again any advice on how to stop here being a bitch and thinking im just someone who will role over for her?

 

P.s. I think its crap i have to resort to playing hard to get and not doing everything i can to make her happy were engaged for gods sake. I thought the high school game of playing head games was over at this point. I didnt realize me doing what i like to do and that is please my mate would lead her to hating me ultimately. Engagment is suppose to be about mutual respect. Therefore i dont think my fiancee has grown up much. But perhaps most everyone is like this. Get to much and treat the other person like crap because you know they wont leave.

[rn0408]

Twistluv or for that matter anyone got any idea then based on what Twistluv said. What can i do to reverse her being disgusted in me and treating me like a piece of crap. Fiance has even admitted she does treat me like dirt. So what twistluv said hit a note for me.

 

Again any advice on how to stop here being a bitch and thinking im just someone who will role over for her?

 

P.s. I think its crap i have to resort to playing hard to get and not doing everything i can to make her happy were engaged for gods sake. I thought the high school game of playing head games was over at this point. I didnt realize me doing what i like to do and that is please my mate would lead her to hating me ultimately. Engagment is suppose to be about mutual respect. Therefore i dont think my fiancee has grown up much. But perhaps most everyone is like this. Get to much and treat the other person like crap because you know they wont leave.

 

I felt the exact same way and finally had enough and decided to leave after almost 6 months. I almost was going to go into Occupational Therapy and decided to go into Accelerated Nursing, and doing shadowing at a psych clinic saved me from misery. I paid a therapist 100 bucks to make sure I didnt go back and I was right with my instincts.

 

What you are describing bro, is somebody with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

My ex wanted me to change outfits (I don't mind a girl dressing me up because I like looking good), told me my parents and friends were bringing me down, manipulated me and controlled me (about 30%), acted like her job was the worst thing ever.

 

I caught on...all she talked about is her ex's like they were demons, embarassed me in public, was really great on behavior and all of a sudden did a 180 (Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde), tried to get me against her roomates boyfriend (who I was great friends with and said he was manipulating her roomate to be lazy when she just wanted to hang out with her roomate), said her friends are *******s.

 

She is absolutely a pest and by running and breaking up with her..completely cutting her off. You will drive her nuts and you won the game.

 

Its been 3 weeks and I still have been deprogramming myself to be back to normal! RUN!!! RUN FAR AWAY!!!

 

send me a pm if you have questions. Absoulutely everything you are stating happened to me!

[TaraMaiden]

i know a woman who became an emotional, vindictive, abusive, verbal bully with her husband... because her father had been that way with her mother.

 

She was absolutely hot-damn determined no man in her life was ever going to make her feel, the way her father made her mother feel.

so unwittingly - she turned the tables.

 

it took some good counselling and therapy to turn that one around.

 

Either get her counselling as a condition of you staying - or leave.

 

That's it, black and white.

[rn0408]

i know a woman who became an emotional, vindictive, abusive, verbal bully with her husband... because her father had been that way with her mother.

 

She was absolutely hot-damn determined no man in her life was ever going to make her feel, the way her father made her mother feel.

so unwittingly - she turned the tables.

 

it took some good counselling and therapy to turn that one around.

 

Either get her counselling as a condition of you staying - or leave.

 

That's it, black and white.

 

no...he needs to RUN. Therapy will not help. I know many social workers, and therapists that say RUN FAR AWAY.