Wouldn't true indifference be responding to breadcrumbs and blowing them off?

[Senateguy]

I've been posting a few times in the last few days. The ex sent me some breadcrumbs yesterday after 30 days of no contact and I wanted to see what people thought on my feelings of why does the dumpee feel so stupid ignoring the breadcrumbs. It feels juvenile ignoring it. Makes me feel like i'm projecting a feeling of hurt and caring. Yesterday my ex texts me:

 

"Hey, i'm over by your work hosting an event like I always do and finishing up here soon. Might not be a good time but couldn't come over w/o saying hello. Would you want to meet for tea? Understand if not. Hope all is well."

 

I feel like if i didn't care i would respond in an indifferent manner. I would respond with "can't do it now, totally swamped at work."

 

I feel like by not responding i look bitter and angry and not indifferent. I have followed the advice though of not responding, but it just seems juvenile to just ignore someone. I just feel stupid. If i didn't really give a crap i would respond and just blow her off. I feel like i'm letting her know i care by not responding. I think the dumpee always has a desire to project and attitude of not caring.

 

Looking for some thoughts from those who have been on either side of this dilemma.

[veggirl]

You want to blow her off to prove you don't care. Well not responding IS blowing her off.

 

It sounds like you're trying to justify speaking to your ex, because you want to speak to your ex. So if you want to so bad, just do it. It's your decision, not ours. I advise against it though.

 

How does not talking to someone who is NO LONGER IN YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU BROKE UP juvenile?

 

Why would you respond with a lie? (ie too busy). If you MUST respond, the proper one would be "I'm not interested. Please don't contact me" not stuff like "I'm too busy right now", which will just encourage her to try again (which is prob what you want?)

[Senateguy]

You want to blow her off to prove you don't care. Well not responding IS blowing her off.

 

It sounds like you're trying to justify speaking to your ex, because you want to speak to your ex. So if you want to so bad, just do it. It's your decision, not ours. I advise against it though.

 

How does not talking to someone who is NO LONGER IN YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU BROKE UP juvenile?

 

Why would you respond with a lie? (ie too busy). If you MUST respond, the proper one would be "I'm not interested. Please don't contact me" not stuff like "I'm too busy right now", which will just encourage her to try again (which is prob what you want?)

 

 

Nah - i wasn't trying to justify it, i was just trying to understand the feelings. I didn't respond and won't respond.

[jus d'orange]

It's easy to second guess this one...

 

If you step back from it, you realize that giving a damn about what indifference looks like on your ex's end is not indifference.

 

You maintain NC because it is easier on you to not respond at all. If THEY think it's bitterness or anger, then that has no impact on you. That's the indifference that truly matters.

 

Hope that helps. I haven't had my ex contact me, but I've tried to figure out what I'd do if she did. That's the conclusion I came to a few weeks ago.

[chelsea2011]

Indifference is not caring at all what she thinks about whether you respond or not. Analyzing it means you haven't reached indifference yet.

[radiodarcy]

from my personal experience, i have responded to bread crumbs and wound up getting sucked right back in. once he had me where he wanted me - - he started playing his games again - - ignoring me, talking to other girls (and telling me about it ), etc. it was at that point that i realized that responding to the breadcrumbs was the worst thing i could have done for myself because of how it was affecting ME. not him. he was perfectly fine. because as the dumper he had moved on. i hadn't.

 

and when i told him how much it bothered me his bewildered response was - - gee you seemed so cool about everything and acted like you didn't care so i thought talking about that stuff wouldn't matter.

 

as veggirl said, none of us can tell you what to do - if you want to respond respond. but be prepared because there's a very high chance she could take that indifference at face value and start talking about things you may not want to hear. like dating other guys, etc...

[bluewolf17]

Hey Senate-I'm glad you didn't respond! It's a lot toughter when they reach out to you, huh!? I was able to not contact my ex on his birthday, which was hard too, so I can't imagine if he actually reached out to me.

 

But in my experience, those little check ins are nothing but that.

 

Some other poster said it right, indifference is blowing her off, which IS what you did. Who cares in what way she took it? Maybe she thought you didn't get the text, maybe she is thinking you changed your number, maybe that your mad, maybe that you don't care. The thing is you won't know. You can't read her mind.

 

 

You did act in a indifferent way..baybe with more NC it will turn into you actually feeling indifferent.

 

Proud of you!!

[CaliBabe]

Indifference is not caring whether she thinks it's juvenile. Indifference is not caring at all. Stop over thinking it. It's nothing, just a mere breadcrumb. Don't over analyze it. If she wanted you back she would let you know.

[wilsonx]

She misses you and wanted to say hi. (There's nothing more than this)

 

She understands if you don't respond.

[Senateguy]

She misses you and wanted to say hi. (There's nothing more than this)

 

She understands if you don't respond.

 

 

Thanks for clarification

[Chi townD]

I've been posting a few times in the last few days. The ex sent me some breadcrumbs yesterday after 30 days of no contact and I wanted to see what people thought on my feelings of why does the dumpee feel so stupid ignoring the breadcrumbs. It feels juvenile ignoring it. Makes me feel like i'm projecting a feeling of hurt and caring. Yesterday my ex texts me:

 

I feel like by not responding i look bitter and angry and not indifferent. I have followed the advice though of not responding, but it just seems juvenile to just ignore someone. I just feel stupid. If i didn't really give a crap i would respond and just blow her off. I feel like i'm letting her know i care by not responding. I think the dumpee always has a desire to project and attitude of not caring.

 

 

Nothing stupid about avoiding the drama, and that's exactly what you would be walking into by responding. Look, she contacted you out of guilt and she contacted you to see where your head was and how much you hate her for what she did to you. She contacted you for her own selfish reasons. If her intentions where solely about you and what she did, she would have made SOME indication in the text. i.e. "Look, I know I'm not your favorite person right now, but I'm by your work and I was wondering if I could buy you a tea and apologize to you in person. I really want to talk to you" or anything remotely close to that. Did she do this? NOPE!!!! Everything in her text screamed "HI FRIEND". And I'm pretty sure that the way she treated you, you're not her friend.

 

Your silence spoke volumes and left her guessing. WOW! does he really hate me that much? Did I hurt him that badly? Point is, it may have gave her time to reflect on her bad behavior and how she treats people. So, in a weird way, you gave her something to think about.

 

And another thing. If she was desperate to see you and to talk to you she would have left more than ONE text. She would have tried a hellva lot harder than one BS text. Therefore, it tells me that she really wasn't that interested in meeting up. She was just seeing if you were still waiting on the sidelines.

Edited March 8, 2012 by Chi townD

[madball2289]

she's contacting you to see if she still has that grasp on you. she broke up w you so u don't owe her anything. i wouldnt respond .

[travelbug1996]

Do whats best for you. Indifference is sometimes better than no contact to me.

[D-Lish]

Glad you didn't respond.... You shouldn't.

 

As someone mentioned earlier, if she wanted to get back together she'd move mountains.

[Senateguy]

Yea - i didn't reply. It has been damn hard though. Her text was so long etc that it's hard to not feel stupid for just ignoring someone who is asking you questions and also ignoring someone you spent years of your life with. Just seems so juvenile to ignore. But, i guess it's the only way forward.

 

I do know that if i truly didn't care, i would probably respond back. But that's not the reality. I do care. Odd.

 

I hate the part of her text where she says "If you don't want to meet up, I understand."

 

I just hate how i feel juvenile and hurt by not replying. Like i said, i think if i truly didn't give a crap, i would reply. But i do know that not replying sends a very loud and clear message.

[bluewolf17]

Yup! A very loud message!

 

You did the right thing. It seems you are more concerned with how you might appear to her, then being concerned with healing and moving on.

 

Remember, she really would make it clear if she wanted to try again with you. I know when I wanted my guy back after breakin up with him, I made it very very clear, many times!

[GKM]

Yea - i didn't reply. It has been damn hard though. Her text was so long etc that it's hard to not feel stupid for just ignoring someone who is asking you questions and also ignoring someone you spent years of your life with. Just seems so juvenile to ignore. But, i guess it's the only way forward.

 

I do know that if i truly didn't care, i would probably respond back. But that's not the reality. I do care. Odd.

 

I hate the part of her text where she says "If you don't want to meet up, I understand."

 

I just hate how i feel juvenile and hurt by not replying. Like i said, i think if i truly didn't give a crap, i would reply. But i do know that not replying sends a very loud and clear message.

 

Aww I feel for you, you seem like a nice guy! But dont feel like you need to be nice! Be a little selfish- do what is best for YOU.

 

So what is best for you?! NO CONTACT.

 

As hard as it is, as much as we may break it, and no matter how much you want to- you know the best thing for you to be able to heal and move on with your life to something amazing and better is- to have her be a distant memory and not a current event

 

Kind of struggling with this myself right now as I have to contact mine about taxes/bills/divorce as we were married- but I know that the most healthy stage of my life will be when I cant even remember the last time I saw/texted him!