The Beginning, The Middle and Beyond

[tanabanana92207]

Hi everyone. I don't know if anyone remembers but I was here a few years ago and only posted a few times but always a lurker.

 

My MM is no longer - his divorce has been final for a little over a year - mine for 3 yrs. Originally, he had wanted his ex to make the 1st move and then decided that was the wrong way to go. It took about a year and a half but within that time, he consulted with a lawyer about the ramifications of moving out and in January 2009, got his own apartment. His ex and he were able to come to a settlement pretty quickly thus avoiding a court battle.

 

He and I got engaged on my birthday last year and we are in the process of looking for a house. We took an extended vacation to Europe last summer with my daughter and his 2 boys so my daughter and I could meet his family. Everyone got along well. I am especially pleased because I get along very well with his boys, especially the eldest. We seem to have clicked, probably because I treat him as a friend rather than a "step-mom" figure. He's 16 and already has a Mom - kids that age need a friend too.

 

Ultimately, I think the advice given here is absolutely correct. If someone is sincere, they back it up with actions. They show you, not tell you. Those actions don't have to take forever either.

 

It was extremely beneficial for him to have been on his own. He needed to learn to live with himself and to fend for himself - and to grieve his marriage. However unhappy he may have been, he and his ex were together for 14 years and had children together. They were a family and in some ways, always will be.

 

Our transition from secret to open hasn't been difficult, but we have had our issues. It's true what they say about the so-called "affair fog". You tend to accentuate each other's positive's and turn a blind eye to the negative. Those little idiosyncracies that you found endearing before are downright irritating now but you work through it. It's a journey and the path isn't always smooth and straight. There are a lot of twists and turns along the way.

 

For anyone who thinks that the grass is always greener on the other side, sometimes it is. It just takes a lot of work to get it that way and to maintain it.

[MissBee]

Hi everyone. I don't know if anyone remembers but I was here a few years ago and only posted a few times but always a lurker.

 

My MM is no longer - his divorce has been final for a little over a year - mine for 3 yrs. Originally, he had wanted his ex to make the 1st move and then decided that was the wrong way to go. It took about a year and a half but within that time, he consulted with a lawyer about the ramifications of moving out and in January 2009, got his own apartment. His ex and he were able to come to a settlement pretty quickly thus avoiding a court battle.

 

He and I got engaged on my birthday last year and we are in the process of looking for a house. We took an extended vacation to Europe last summer with my daughter and his 2 boys so my daughter and I could meet his family. Everyone got along well. I am especially pleased because I get along very well with his boys, especially the eldest. We seem to have clicked, probably because I treat him as a friend rather than a "step-mom" figure. He's 16 and already has a Mom - kids that age need a friend too.

 

Ultimately, I think the advice given here is absolutely correct. If someone is sincere, they back it up with actions. They show you, not tell you. Those actions don't have to take forever either.

It was extremely beneficial for him to have been on his own. He needed to learn to live with himself and to fend for himself - and to grieve his marriage. However unhappy he may have been, he and his ex were together for 14 years and had children together. They were a family and in some ways, always will be.

 

Our transition from secret to open hasn't been difficult, but we have had our issues. It's true what they say about the so-called "affair fog". You tend to accentuate each other's positive's and turn a blind eye to the negative. Those little idiosyncracies that you found endearing before are downright irritating now but you work through it. It's a journey and the path isn't always smooth and straight. There are a lot of twists and turns along the way.

 

For anyone who thinks that the grass is always greener on the other side, sometimes it is. It just takes a lot of work to get it that way and to maintain it.

 

Great post! Thanks for sharing

[Angelina527]

Just curious if you have attended therapy together?

[TigerCub]

Congrats Tanabanana

 

I'm really happy that things worked out for you and that everyone got a second chance at happiness.

[Radagast]

For anyone who thinks that the grass is always greener on the other side, sometimes it is. It just takes a lot of work to get it that way and to maintain it.

 

I found the grass to be greener, lusher, sweeter and no nettles on the other side. I wouldn't say it takes a lot of work, just taking care and acting with thought and awareness of the dangers. Because she's so important to me it's a privilege and not a chore to "work" on our marriage and keep it as our top priority.

[heartinlove]

I am curious if his ex or your ex were aware of the affair?

 

Also are the kids aware of the affair? If so, how did you both deal with their feelings about the marriages ending because of an affair?

 

Your transition seems relatively smooth given how messy these situations are.

[sad puppy]

So, after he moved out, did you all have a time of separation? Or were you in constant contact throughout the whole time?

 

Glad it worked for ya!

[tanabanana92207]

To answer your questions:

 

My ex knew of the relationship but we had already separated when it started and he was in a relationship of his own. My fiancee had not yet separated and his ex found out pretty early on in the A - I would say within a year of it starting. My daughter is aware of the relationship and how it started as are his kids.

 

He told his eldest what was going on when he told him that they were divorcing. Though his ex does talk bad about me to her kids, they don't seem to hold it against me as we get along well. I don't try to mother them as I'm not their mother - more like a friend when they need one. I don't push and have made a conscious effort to let our relationship develop at its own pace and it seems to be working thus far.

 

When he moved out, we continued to see each other only out in the open. We didn't exclude the kids from our relationship - we did things together as a family even though we aren't yet. Neither one of us wanted the kids to think that this relationship would take away from the attention they deserve.

 

His ex doesn't like the fact that I spend time with her kids and I can understand that. The oldest understands his mom's anger and resentment and shies away from mentioning me or any activities to his mom.

 

I wish I could say that he and I were single when we met and that our relationship didn't hurt anyone but I can't.

 

I'm not going to say that we are soulmates and that I couldn't stop myself because I'd be lying. I'm an adult capable of making my own choices, right or wrong. Maybe I couldn't stop myself from falling in love but I could've stopped myself from acting on it. It is what it is.

 

Sometimes decent people make bad choices. But, sometimes out of those choices, good things happen. Life didn't give me lemons - I gave them to myself.

[Angelina527]

To answer your questions:

 

My ex knew of the relationship but we had already separated when it started and he was in a relationship of his own. My fiancee had not yet separated and his ex found out pretty early on in the A - I would say within a year of it starting. My daughter is aware of the relationship and how it started as are his kids.

 

He told his eldest what was going on when he told him that they were divorcing. Though his ex does talk bad about me to her kids, they don't seem to hold it against me as we get along well. I don't try to mother them as I'm not their mother - more like a friend when they need one. I don't push and have made a conscious effort to let our relationship develop at its own pace and it seems to be working thus far.

 

When he moved out, we continued to see each other only out in the open. We didn't exclude the kids from our relationship - we did things together as a family even though we aren't yet. Neither one of us wanted the kids to think that this relationship would take away from the attention they deserve.

 

His ex doesn't like the fact that I spend time with her kids and I can understand that. The oldest understands his mom's anger and resentment and shies away from mentioning me or any activities to his mom.

 

I wish I could say that he and I were single when we met and that our relationship didn't hurt anyone but I can't.

 

I'm not going to say that we are soulmates and that I couldn't stop myself because I'd be lying. I'm an adult capable of making my own choices, right or wrong. Maybe I couldn't stop myself from falling in love but I could've stopped myself from acting on it. It is what it is.

 

Sometimes decent people make bad choices. But, sometimes out of those choices, good things happen. Life didn't give me lemons - I gave them to myself.

 

 

I like your attitude about the whole thing.

 

I wondered about therapy because my husband and I should have done it. We should have been working on the reasons both of us chose to engage in an affair, but we didn't and he then proceeded to be unfaithful to me.

 

We have been in therapy and are in a great place in our marriage, but I just wanted to throw that out there.

[heartinlove]

To answer your questions:

 

My ex knew of the relationship but we had already separated when it started and he was in a relationship of his own. My fiancee had not yet separated and his ex found out pretty early on in the A - I would say within a year of it starting. My daughter is aware of the relationship and how it started as are his kids.

 

He told his eldest what was going on when he told him that they were divorcing. Though his ex does talk bad about me to her kids, they don't seem to hold it against me as we get along well. I don't try to mother them as I'm not their mother - more like a friend when they need one. I don't push and have made a conscious effort to let our relationship develop at its own pace and it seems to be working thus far.

 

When he moved out, we continued to see each other only out in the open. We didn't exclude the kids from our relationship - we did things together as a family even though we aren't yet. Neither one of us wanted the kids to think that this relationship would take away from the attention they deserve.

 

His ex doesn't like the fact that I spend time with her kids and I can understand that. The oldest understands his mom's anger and resentment and shies away from mentioning me or any activities to his mom.

 

I wish I could say that he and I were single when we met and that our relationship didn't hurt anyone but I can't.

 

I'm not going to say that we are soulmates and that I couldn't stop myself because I'd be lying. I'm an adult capable of making my own choices, right or wrong. Maybe I couldn't stop myself from falling in love but I could've stopped myself from acting on it. It is what it is.

 

Sometimes decent people make bad choices. But, sometimes out of those choices, good things happen. Life didn't give me lemons - I gave them to myself.

 

Thanks for answering all of that. My mm is questioning what to tell the kids when he leaves. My gut tells me that he should tell them the truth. They will find out anyway and its better if they hear it from him. So many people say not to tell kids anything about infidelity so the advice is so mixed on this subject. Its nice to see your children all know the truth and that they seem to be handling it well.