Shy personality. Social phobia?

[josie54]

Water4150, you had asked for some good "starter lines" for conversations. There are quite a lot of them, but most of them are situation-dependent.

 

So, when you first try talking to strangers, I'd suggest relying first on your strength. Because you're normally quiet, you're probably a very good observer. Take a look at people around you. Look at what they're wearing, carrying, looking at. That's where you can target your conversation.

 

For example, I'd suggest talking first to the clerks at stores or the person selling you postage at the post office. Those are time-limited transactions and you won't find yourself feeling at a loss in the conversation because they're over so quickly. A great thing to do during these transactions is to find something about her (I'm assuming it will be a "her" when you try this!) to compliment. Tell her you think her glasses are cool or that her earrings are nice. Tell her that the color looks good on her. I was once walking down the street and a man walking toward me said, "Wow, that outfit looks really good!" and then he kept walking. That made my day!

 

If you avoid physical attributes (hair, eyes, etc.), it won't sound like a creepy pick-up line, and you really will make her day, because you're complimenting her taste and style. And when the transaction is over, you can just thank her again, tell her you hope she has a great day, and leave.

 

Once you have that down, you might try talking to someone in the line near you at the store or post office or similar location. These interactions are slightly longer than those with salespeople. You can try the compliment angle, but since you might be in the conversation a bit longer than that, I might start with things like the weather ("Wow, isn't it a beautiful day today? It's the perfect day to ..."). Is the person wearing a college sweatshirt or shirt with a sport team's logo? Do you live in a town that's particularly sports oriented? Then, you can say something like "You went to school there? How was it?" Or, "I'm a fan of that team too. Did you see Team A play Team B last night? It was a great game!" Or I can't believe they traded X" That sort of thing.

 

Look around. I often will comment on how cute a child is in the line that might be running about. Is there a poster for a concert or event nearby? You can comment about how great the band is or how intersting the event sounds. Or, like someone else said, if you're at the grocery store, you might ask about a certain product you see the person has, or ask whether they know anything about something you're considering buying.

 

Those kinds of interactions will help you prepare for when you're out with friends and need to make conversation there. It's all the same principles...only the duration is different.

 

I agree with others here (and yourself) who have said that this doesn't sound like it rises to the level of drugs. This isn't a social phobia--you don't mind going out and about. You're just shy. That's a personality trait. At some level, you're probably always going to be shy.

 

But I also think you can make that work for you. Again, while you're preparing to speak with someone, observe what's around you and observe the traits of the people you're interacting with. Compliments (for women, especially) are great. And, from there, you can extract quite a few areas of common ground, even with strangers. After all, you'll both be wherever you are, looking at the same posters and children, and experiencing the same weather, service, atmopshere, etc. If you target your conversation there, you'll both have something to talk about.

 

You sound like a great person--good luck!

[water4150]

Water4150, you had asked for some good "starter lines" for conversations. There are quite a lot of them, but most of them are situation-dependent.

 

So, when you first try talking to strangers, I'd suggest relying first on your strength. Because you're normally quiet, you're probably a very good observer. Take a look at people around you. Look at what they're wearing, carrying, looking at. That's where you can target your conversation.

 

For example, I'd suggest talking first to the clerks at stores or the person selling you postage at the post office. Those are time-limited transactions and you won't find yourself feeling at a loss in the conversation because they're over so quickly. A great thing to do during these transactions is to find something about her (I'm assuming it will be a "her" when you try this!) to compliment. Tell her you think her glasses are cool or that her earrings are nice. Tell her that the color looks good on her. I was once walking down the street and a man walking toward me said, "Wow, that outfit looks really good!" and then he kept walking. That made my day!

 

If you avoid physical attributes (hair, eyes, etc.), it won't sound like a creepy pick-up line, and you really will make her day, because you're complimenting her taste and style. And when the transaction is over, you can just thank her again, tell her you hope she has a great day, and leave.

 

Once you have that down, you might try talking to someone in the line near you at the store or post office or similar location. These interactions are slightly longer than those with salespeople. You can try the compliment angle, but since you might be in the conversation a bit longer than that, I might start with things like the weather ("Wow, isn't it a beautiful day today? It's the perfect day to ..."). Is the person wearing a college sweatshirt or shirt with a sport team's logo? Do you live in a town that's particularly sports oriented? Then, you can say something like "You went to school there? How was it?" Or, "I'm a fan of that team too. Did you see Team A play Team B last night? It was a great game!" Or I can't believe they traded X" That sort of thing.

 

Look around. I often will comment on how cute a child is in the line that might be running about. Is there a poster for a concert or event nearby? You can comment about how great the band is or how intersting the event sounds. Or, like someone else said, if you're at the grocery store, you might ask about a certain product you see the person has, or ask whether they know anything about something you're considering buying.

 

Those kinds of interactions will help you prepare for when you're out with friends and need to make conversation there. It's all the same principles...only the duration is different.

 

I agree with others here (and yourself) who have said that this doesn't sound like it rises to the level of drugs. This isn't a social phobia--you don't mind going out and about. You're just shy. That's a personality trait. At some level, you're probably always going to be shy.

 

But I also think you can make that work for you. Again, while you're preparing to speak with someone, observe what's around you and observe the traits of the people you're interacting with. Compliments (for women, especially) are great. And, from there, you can extract quite a few areas of common ground, even with strangers. After all, you'll both be wherever you are, looking at the same posters and children, and experiencing the same weather, service, atmopshere, etc. If you target your conversation there, you'll both have something to talk about.

 

You sound like a great person--good luck!

 

Thank you so much for your advice. It is very helpful and I will deffinately try my best to put them to use. Once the conversation gets started I can follow it and keep my confidence...It's starting the conversation that I have difficulty in. I'm not a completely silent person or anything. I do talk etc its just to a minimum and not as much as the other person.

 

But thank you again!!!

 

=D