Miliwazi2 Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I have been dating my MM for almost a year now, last Sunday he rocked up at my place at 01:40am and told me he fought with the wife because wife found out about the party he threw me and someone called and pretended to be me. He has sence been at my place, day before yesterday he fetched his clothes and a few neccessities. The thing is...he hasn't said he has left her, he hasn't said when he is going back (if he is). He hasn't told me his plan and we are acting as if nothing happened. I don't know what to do or say to him, to be honest I won't ask him when he is going back home because I'm afraid of what I will hear and maybe I will force him to back back to her sooner and I really enjoy being with him everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Well, you won't know for sure unless you ask him. But from where I sit, sounds like you are an "option". You need to find out if he's been in contact with his W or not. Sticking your head in the sand will not get you out of this limbo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Then you really don't have a question or need any answers. The only person who can answer your concerns is right there and you don't want to hear what they have to say. Yet, you would be willing to listen to the interpretation of what you have posted. The source of your issues is with you everyday. You know the answer. If he isn't looking at divorce attorneys, looking for a place to live...he is with you until he can schmooze his way back home. Don't live in the fantasy world too much longer...it can only crash in on you in the end. He has already shown such disrespect for his wife and family(party for you huh?)why do you feel you have earned more respect than she has? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I have been dating my MM for almost a year now, last Sunday he rocked up at my place at 01:40am and told me he fought with the wife because wife found out about the party he threw me and someone called and pretended to be me. He has sence been at my place, day before yesterday he fetched his clothes and a few neccessities. The thing is...he hasn't said he has left her, he hasn't said when he is going back (if he is). He hasn't told me his plan and we are acting as if nothing happened. I don't know what to do or say to him, to be honest I won't ask him when he is going back home because I'm afraid of what I will hear and maybe I will force him to back back to her sooner and I really enjoy being with him everyday. Hi Miliwazi, If you're in a relationship with someone where you feel you're walking on eggshells and you can't really speak your mind or ask the questions that are important to you - then maybe you need to ask yourself if this is a healthy relationship. I understand where you're coming from, and I understand that everything in an affair seems so fragile and that things can swing either way sometimes, but I believe (no offense intended), that no truly healthy and secure relationship should make someone feel that they will lose their partner if they speak their mind and if they ask questions to know where they stand and protect themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I can't believe someone would ask a bunch of strangers what is on MM's mind when the source of that information is right there in their home. Lady why don't you put your big girl panties on and ask him what is he doing? Don't let yourself get used. BTW, you don't have to ask "When are you going back home?" just ask "What is your plan now that you have left your wife?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I have been dating my MM for almost a year now, last Sunday he rocked up at my place at 01:40am and told me he fought with the wife because wife found out about the party he threw me and someone called and pretended to be me. He has sence been at my place, day before yesterday he fetched his clothes and a few neccessities. The thing is...he hasn't said he has left her, he hasn't said when he is going back (if he is). He hasn't told me his plan and we are acting as if nothing happened. I don't know what to do or say to him, to be honest I won't ask him when he is going back home because I'm afraid of what I will hear and maybe I will force him to back back to her sooner and I really enjoy being with him everyday. Going to have to suck it up. It goes with the territory. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I have been dating my MM for almost a year now, last Sunday he rocked up at my place at 01:40am and told me he fought with the wife because wife found out about the party he threw me and someone called and pretended to be me. He has sence been at my place, day before yesterday he fetched his clothes and a few neccessities. The thing is...he hasn't said he has left her, he hasn't said when he is going back (if he is). He hasn't told me his plan and we are acting as if nothing happened. I don't know what to do or say to him, to be honest I won't ask him when he is going back home because I'm afraid of what I will hear and maybe I will force him to back back to her sooner and I really enjoy being with him everyday. He hasn't "left" her, far from it. Nothing you do will force him back home. If/when he decides to go home, he will and that has nothing to do with you. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I have been dating my MM for almost a year now, last Sunday he rocked up at my place at 01:40am and told me he fought with the wife because wife found out about the party he threw me and someone called and pretended to be me. He has sence been at my place, day before yesterday he fetched his clothes and a few neccessities. The thing is...he hasn't said he has left her, he hasn't said when he is going back (if he is). He hasn't told me his plan and we are acting as if nothing happened. I don't know what to do or say to him, to be honest I won't ask him when he is going back home because I'm afraid of what I will hear and maybe I will force him to back back to her sooner and I really enjoy being with him everyday. If you are in a relationship where you cannot have frank, open conversations with your partner and fear that if you voice your concerns it will push them away...you may want to consider what kind of relationship is that? It doesn't seem to built on love, trust, openness and honesty but anxiety and fears and walking on egshells so as to keep or manipulate the status quo because of the ever present fear and insecurity of really not knowing how they feel and what is going on. BTDT and don't envy you. You should simply ask him....no one here can tell you what's going on. Face your fears and just ask...not knowing is worse than knowing. Not knowing is a form of denial and avoidance of reality...except it doesn't change reality. If you don't find out you have cancer...you still have it. If you don't find out if he has left or how he truly feels...won't change his feelings. Might as well sit him down and voice your concerns, as one should in a GOOD relationship....and see what happens from there. It's better to know the truth than live a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Hi Miliwazi, If you're in a relationship with someone where you feel you're walking on eggshells and you can't really speak your mind or ask the questions that are important to you - then maybe you need to ask yourself if this is a healthy relationship. I understand where you're coming from, and I understand that everything in an affair seems so fragile and that things can swing either way sometimes, but I believe (no offense intended), that no truly healthy and secure relationship should make someone feel that they will lose their partner if they speak their mind and if they ask questions to know where they stand and protect themselves. Very well said! I have also been in a single relationship like that. It was so hurtful and anxiety inducing. Always feeling like this person had the power and I had to be the one to walk on egg shells so as not to upset the applecart. He would also "punish" me when I did try to ask about things, he'd pretend to be so hurt and offended and made me feel guilty or if we had plans he'd decide that he was too upset to go forward with them now and I would be an emotional wreck. I learned not to ask or voice my concerns incase he didn't like it and it was a real effing mess! Sooooo glad I have grown and would NEVER EVER allow myself to be in a situation like that again where I cannot speak frankly with my man, feel like he hears me and is listening and we're a team...versus I'm trying to pander to him to keep our rickety relationship afloat smh. NEVER AGAIN! My bestfriend is someone I can ALWAYS talk to, I never feel shut out, never feel like if I say a certain thing she will use it against me and not be my friend, we disagree but it's not anything serious and I never feel afraid to say no to her, I know that I can be authentic and so can she and it's awesome...that is what I want in my partner! We will disagree...of course...but it will be in a healthy way and I won't feel like any second now you will leave me if I do or don't do certain things. I should never have to get online to ask strangers to predict what you think or what you're doing. I should feel safe and secure to ask and tell you anything. If you don't have that....what do you have? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 The thing is...he hasn't said he has left her, Because she is the one who kicked him out, probably, after her discovery about the party. He hasn't left her. he hasn't said when he is going back (if he is). Because he doesn't know when/if she will take him back. He hasn't told me his plan Because he doesn't have one. and we are acting as if nothing happened. I'm sure that makes it easy on him that you aren't asking questions and expecting him to communicate with you. I don't know what to do or say to him, to be honest I won't ask him when he is going back home because I'm afraid of what I will hear and maybe I will force him to back back to her sooner and I really enjoy being with him everyday. You are serving your fantasy of being together by not having a frank discussion with him about what is going on. But he's still married and, if his wife hadn't found out about the party, he'd still be living with her. You have to face that. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I have been dating my MM for almost a year now, last Sunday he rocked up at my place at 01:40am and told me he fought with the wife because wife found out about the party he threw me and someone called and pretended to be me. He has sence been at my place, day before yesterday he fetched his clothes and a few neccessities. The thing is...he hasn't said he has left her, he hasn't said when he is going back (if he is). He hasn't told me his plan and we are acting as if nothing happened. I don't know what to do or say to him, to be honest I won't ask him when he is going back home because I'm afraid of what I will hear and maybe I will force him to back back to her sooner and I really enjoy being with him everyday. Ok this is going to be straight talk. You enjoy him being in your life and you feel good right now. What you don't realize is you're setting up the bowling pins for him to knock them down. You have no idea where he stands. Not because he sleeps next to you at night doesn't mean that he's chosen to be with you. Give yourself space to think. Give yourself time to grow as a couple if it is suppose to happen. Ask yourself would you be living with a man you've been with for 1 year if it was a "regular" relationship. If the answer is no... you know what you have to do. Your only safe step is ask him to leave. Fetch all his things, gather then up. You are not giving him an ultimatum. You are not asking him to choose. You are asking him to figure out what he truly wants and you are asking him to do that elsewhere. You are not the Hilton. Find a family member or a friend. Then when he has decided what step he wants to take and he chooses you, then you date. You see each other as a couple. I know you love this man. But please don't sell yourself short. You are worth more. You don't want him to run back to her makes you desperate for a man who doesn't want you. If he wants to go, let him go, in the end it's his loss. Hold your head up. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 You are his free place to stay while he waits for his wife to cool her jets and take him back. If it were anything else - he'd be telling you everything that's going on. Start charging him the rate he'd be paying at a hotel! Seriously, why do you need to pay to live there and not have him pay? He's using you - but he's done hat all along - its just more obvious at jis point that you will accept his crumbs and not even require his truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Stellar Wench Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 When you stick your head in the sand, you leave your other end exposed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Oops, one post then nothing... Hmmm Link to post Share on other sites
Fitz Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 She doesn't need to ask him, he's SHOWING her exactly what his plan is -- wait it out until the wife takes him back. If the wife doesn't want to work it out, he stays with the OP. The OP asks: "What does this mean?" It's as plain as day. The OP is the back up plan and MM obviously calls the shots. Asking him will only result in lies. The only person who's going to give her the truth is this guy's wife. It sure ain't going to be MM. Yep! If he was ending it with the wife he would have said so. If he was choosing you over the wife, he would have said so. Rather, he's being quiet to minimize potential friction with you and to keep you from being mad enough to kick him out. You're in a lose-lose situation. Confront him, and you'll annoy him back into the arms of his wife. Don't confront him, and you'll solidify your position as a submissive door mat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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