"The Longest I would Wait for an Engagement is..."

[CupcakeCrisis]

Well, answer the question - or how long did you wait in the past? Was it just long enough or do you feel you waited too long? I know of couples who are very happy they're married now, but after waiting 3+, 5+, 7+ or 10+ years, I know of a lot of women who are still resentful for the amount of time they put into the relationship, never knowing if it was going to result in a marriage.

 

I've been waiting almost 4 years. At this point, I am giving up hope that it is ever going to lead to an official proposal with actual wedding planning and, the part I'm looking forward to most...an actual marriage. I often feel like he started grad school and is now suddenly interested in buying a house simply because it will help him postpone getting married.

 

Grad school will be another 4 years - supposedly he would like to start looking for a house, but our apartment lease runs out in August. I would imagine he will tell me for the next 1 - 2 years that we're "looking for a house," all the while we never actually see any realtors or any houses and continually extend our apartment lease. Procrastination like this has manifested in other parts of our relationship.

 

For the past year I've totally tabled bringing up marriage first - if he mentions it, I will idly go along with it, and while we've had a few serious discussions about it, nothing of substance ever manifests. In the last few weeks, however, I have started bringing it up again. I am getting older, I've put a lot of time into this relationship, and my thinking is that if we're closing in on 4 years at our respective ages (mid-twenties to very late 20s), it's highly unlikely we're ever going to get married, let alone engaged.

 

I've heard several sources say that your odds of getting engaged are highest just after the 2 year mark (I think something like 2 years, 2 months is supposedly the 'sweet spot'), and around the 3 year mark your odds of getting engaged or married start to plummet. I would call this ridiculous for us if we were both younger - plenty of teenagers date for far longer than 5 years because they need to finish college - but we were already in our early to mid 20s when we met. We've both been finished with our bachelor's degrees for 2+ years.

 

Do you think it's likely that the odds of getting married go down after 2 years? I am not entirely sure what to think because while my s/o will bring the topic up, nothing ever comes to fruition. We don't go look at rings (there is a slight exception - we did once look at rings ONLINE after I suggested it. While he was asking me about rings I like and what size I wear, I suggested I should go get sized. He agreed. A few times after that, when we were strolling right past jewelry stores, I mentioned it as a reminder and he told me 'no.' After the 2nd time or 3rd time, I got the hint and have not brought it up since).

 

I am thinking about sticking it out for 3 or 4 more months. I don't do the 'ultimatum' stuff...the last thing I need is an insincere proposal. He showers me with affection and attention, but at this point there really is little excuse to be held back. We make very good money. Besides my college loans (which I pay myself), we're not in debt. He is not responsible for any of my debts or bills - I do all of the housework, all of the errands, I work mostly full-time.

 

He has told me in the past that he would 'love' to get engaged but that I seemed 'reluctant.' I have been in the past. In the last several months, that has changed. I am thinking that blaming it on me makes him feel that he gets the bonus points for 'wanting' to get married, all the while showing me little sign that he's actually interested or willing to go beyond talk.

 

I'm thinking another season or so is realistic enough to get the ball moving. All the while, I bring up my interest in getting married here and there to eliminate the excuse that I'm 'reluctant' to get married. I think another season is long enough for me to know that my feelings were just an excuse for him to postpone something he's not ready to do.

 

4 years is a long time to be dating, and I'm getting tired of it. I can't imagine dating for another 2 - 3 years, only to then find out he never has any interested in marrying, meanwhile I've simply gotten older and less marketable to other men with time.

 

Edit: Yes, I realize that I didn't flood this post with "all the reasons my s/o is so great" and "all the reasons a marriage would work out." Our relationship is largely fine with a few snags and bumps like any other relationship. If it weren't, and if I weren't happy, I would not be interested in marrying him. I'm just not going to prattle on for an hour about how awesome he is to avoid the, "But you didn't tell us about him, so therefore I'm going to ignore the rest of your post and focus on that," posts.

Edited March 9, 2012 by CupcakeCrisis

[zengirl]

I think if you want to get married, it's something you need to know if the other person wants.

 

I never felt like I was in a R, waiting for an engagement, so I'm not sure what the longest I would wait is, but I did make a habit once I was ready for marriage, a bit prior to meeting hubby, of only dating marriage-minded men and discussing marriage, in general, early on. Too late for that, for you.

 

I don't know that it's about time. My best friend was with her BF for 8 years before they got engaged (they already owned a house together at that time), but they always knew they'd get married. They'd discussed it. They were both secure in it. I think the issue is you are not secure in where your future is going, and you definitely deserve to be---but you have to be aware that the answer may not be "towards marriage."

 

I suggest having a real discussion with him about it. I don't really understand why you'd avoid bringing something up if it was a priority to you; that seems counterproductive.

[Eddie Edirol]

If youre in your mid 20's, you guys have been together too young to get married now. Youre still too young, and people get married in their mid 30's now. If youre in a hurry to have children, then I can understand wanting to get married now. If you want to get married just to be married for your satisfaction and not his, I dont see the hurry. He obviously isnt ready to get married yet. He might feel too young to get married now, he might not want to be in marriage debt while he is in grad school. I know for sure I'd rather put that money down on a house instead of a marriage (unless your parents pay for the wedding). For a man, that day is all for the woman, and theres nothing in it for him, because nothing changes, except that your school debt becomes his responsibility to the credit bureau.

 

But on the other hand, if he plans to be with you for the rest of your days, then you might as well get married now too, or not, things wont be any different anyway. You really need to get to the bottom of how honest he is about getting married. You've been with him this long, you should be able to tell with your womans intuition, and some real probing, whether he is serious about marriage. BTW if he really doesnt, the more you ask him, the more he wont want to do it.

Edited March 9, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[Lauriebell82]

Does he actually WANT to get married? Not just to you, but in general? It doesn't sound like he is completely against it (looking at rings online, finger sizing, ect). If he never wanted to get married (especially to you) he would never have done that.

 

I know it's hard, but honestly it sounds like he just isn't ready yet. If you were in your 30's I may tell you something different, but if you are still in your 20's then you have plenty of time.

 

I met my husband was I was 24 and we didn't get married until I was 28. He waited 2 years, 9 months to propose. We were engaged for a year and 3 months before we got married. We were married for a year and then we started trying to have a baby. It was perfect timing for us, as we are financially stable, both have good jobs, and were just ready. I'm due in 5 weeks.

 

He showed me similar "signs" that your boyfriend has shown you, we did the whole online ring thing, he "hypthetically" asked for my ring size. This was all like a year before he proposed. So he was gearing up for it.

 

I know it's hard to wait but it really does seem like your boyfriend is getting there. You've told him you want to get married, he knows this. If you truley want to marry him then hang in there for awhile longer. A peice of advice though, do NOT buy a house together until you are at the very least engaged. I would suggest waiting for marriage for something like that. Same goes for children. IMO those are things you do AFTER marriage.

 

I was extremely impatient and I felt like I waited forever for my husband to propose. But he was SO worth it. It will be worth it for you as well.

[Lauriebell82]

I suggest having a real discussion with him about it. I don't really understand why you'd avoid bringing something up if it was a priority to you; that seems counterproductive.

 

I would agree with this, however this would depend on the type of guy you are dealing with. My husband was very evasive with the whole "marriage" topic, he wouldn't freely speak about it or say "when we get married someday." OP's boyfriend sounds similar. This confused the hell out of me because my ex boyfriend talked about it constantly. Proposals, wedding plans, ect. All men are different.

 

I don't suggest she keep harping on it, it won't help the situation.

[carhill]

If it wasn't moving in the direction of M after a year, I'd be gone, consistent with my style of being marriage-centric. I really have no interest in remaining with a person who is examining their options or otherwise not on the same path or doesn't know me well enough to focus on M as the path for us. I'm looking for a confident partner with a clear vision of her future. If I'm in it, let's go; if not, get out.

[zengirl]

I would agree with this, however this would depend on the type of guy you are dealing with. My husband was very evasive with the whole "marriage" topic, he wouldn't freely speak about it or say "when we get married someday." OP's boyfriend sounds similar. This confused the hell out of me because my ex boyfriend talked about it constantly. Proposals, wedding plans, ect. All men are different.

 

I don't suggest she keep harping on it, it won't help the situation.

 

It sounds like the OP has been extremely 'coy' to me. I'm not suggesting harping---just having one real conversation about where the relationship is theoretically going without trying to 'angle' and avoid potential rejection or hearing things she might not want to hear.

 

You're right, I suppose, that it might bother some men to do that, and that it might work out anyway, but it also might NOT work out anyway and she might feel more dissonance and waste more time that she could've avoided.

 

I'm glad your situation worked out, but I don't think you should ever continue blindly in a situation where you feel dissonance.

[Lauriebell82]

On another note...you are far from getting too old. You should focus on 'what is right' and get over the 'I want now' mentality of an immature woman.

 

Yep. I did the whole "I want now" thing 3 years ago and it wasn't fun. It made me feel nuts.

 

I worried about being "too old" as well, my friends were getting married a few years sooner then I did and it scared me. If kids is a concern, you don't have to wait years and years to have a baby after marriage, especially if you have been together for an extended period of time. My husband and I waited a year, plenty long enough considering our ages and the fact that we had been together for 5 years by our 1 year marriage anniversary.

[Lauriebell82]

It sounds like the OP has been extremely 'coy' to me. I'm not suggesting harping---just having one real conversation about where the relationship is theoretically going without trying to 'angle' and avoid potential rejection or hearing things she might not want to hear.

 

You're right, I suppose, that it might bother some men to do that, and that it might work out anyway, but it also might NOT work out anyway and she might feel more dissonance and waste more time that she could've avoided.

 

I'm glad your situation worked out, but I don't think you should ever continue blindly in a situation where you feel dissonance.

 

True, about 6 months before my husband proposed I was getting ancy that he wouldn't talk about it (and confusing me by talking about rings) so I asked him flat out where our relationship was going and told him I was scared that I was wasting my time. I remember exactly what he said, he looked me in the eyes and said "You are definately not wasting your time." So, you are right that one direct conversation about marriage may be in order here.

[zengirl]

True, about 6 months before my husband proposed I was getting ancy that he wouldn't talk about it (and confusing me by talking about rings) so I asked him flat out where our relationship was going and told him I was scared that I was wasting my time. I remember exactly what he said, he looked me in the eyes and said "You are definately not wasting your time." So, you are right that one direct conversation about marriage may be in order here.

 

Yes, that sounds like a good discussion. I think what threw me off in the OP was she is so careful never to bring it up and act like she is "idly" going along with the convo. If it's something you want, don't idly go along---express that desire!

 

Right. And I want to clarify that:

--getting over-emotional

--throwing down ultimatums

--harping on it repeatedly

 

are all bad, bad, destructive behaviors that should NEVER be engaged on with anything, let alone marriage.

[Lauriebell82]

Yes, that sounds like a good discussion. I think what threw me off in the OP was she is so careful never to bring it up and act like she is "idly" going along with the convo. If it's something you want, don't idly go along---express that desire!

 

Right. And I want to clarify that:

--getting over-emotional

--throwing down ultimatums

--harping on it repeatedly

 

are all bad, bad, destructive behaviors that should NEVER be engaged on with anything, let alone marriage.

 

Yeah, she stated in her OP that she changed her attitude about marriage in the last few months, so it's possible HE is just as confused as she is. Men aren't generally quick on the uptake either, so he may not know what the heck is going on with her and probably isn't picking up on the "signs" she is giving him.

[norajane]

I often feel like he started grad school and is now suddenly interested in buying a house simply because it will help him postpone getting married.

 

Grad school will be another 4 years - supposedly he would like to start looking for a house, but our apartment lease runs out in August. I would imagine he will tell me for the next 1 - 2 years that we're "looking for a house," all the while we never actually see any realtors or any houses and continually extend our apartment lease. Procrastination like this has manifested in other parts of our relationship.

This is the sort of thing you need to be honest with him about. He needs to know and understand your fears. If you keep this to yourself, you will be building up resentment and dwelling on a lot of negative thoughts that will create distance between you.

 

You should expect clarity from him. He's a man, not a child. He should be able to have an honest discussion with you where both of you clearly express your desires, thoughts, and fears. He should also expect clarity from YOU. Don't force him to guess what you're thinking, or hide it, or drop hints.

 

If he can't do that with you, or if you can't do that with him? You shouldn't be getting married.

[Mme. Chaucer]

To me, it sounds like the absence of communication about something that is so extremely important to you, plus your building resentment and suspicion of his motives signify some things that really need to be worked out in your relationship.

 

So, I think you need to have the frank and open conversations about your feelings and what you are hoping for in this relationship.

 

Also, work out for yourself whether you can be "happy" in this relationship if you don't get married. I think the answer, judging from this post, is "no."

[CupcakeCrisis]

I'd like to clarify several things -

 

He's not paying for his education - his job is. His only responsibility is buying his own books, which usually amounts to less than $100 a semester. Financially speaking, that's not a concern.

 

We're also not intermingled financially. If he chooses to buy a house, all of that will be on him and everything will be in his name until we're married.

 

And while plenty of people get married into their 30s, I'd like to keep the option of having children open - does that mean I'm supposed to wait another 5 - 10 years? I'll freely say there are plenty of people who marry far too young, far too soon, and far too irresponsibly, but that's not present here. We're not at the opposite end of the spectrum - dating for several years and much further along in age - but I don't believe we have to be. He will be 30 next year.

 

There are people who manage to have healthy pregnancies into their mid to late 30s, but I don't want to take the risk and I don't want to be lulled into a false sense of security suggesting that having children will be as easy at that age as it will be in my late 20s to early 30s (which is, ideally, when I would like to have children).

 

That aside, one of the bigger issues here is that I have invested nearly four years already. I am in my prime. Ideally, if he were not interested in marrying me, he would say, "Sorry, toots." I would move on, meet someone else, and maybe still marry before 30 or something during my early 30s. I don't want to invest another year, or two...or several on a waiting 'if' game.

 

If I do, I am risking the chance that in my late 20s, he will come around and be upfront with me. By then, I will have wasted several valuable years I will never get back. I'm not jealous that other people are getting married, but I am pragmatic about it. The more my peers marry, the more men are getting taken off of the market. It gets considerably more difficult to find men once you start pushing your 30s - just take a gander at some of the threads around here.

 

Some of you are also posting, indicating that you married in your late 20s after 4 years of dating - that's fine, but I'm not that far behind in age, I have already been dating nearly 4 years, we're not engaged, and I am not sure that an engagement is coming. I'm feeling rather anxious about it. Had we been engaged prior to the 3 year mark, it never would have been an issue, as I still think that's a reasonable amount of time to get engaged.

 

Given our respective stations in the present, though, I am feeling that 4 years is getting to be a ridiculous wait for an engagement. Our respective futures are at a standstill.

 

I have approached him directly about everything in my opening post - down to fears that he's intentionally getting busy in other areas of his life to avoid concentrating on this one, his timeline for getting married (And his explanation which, frankly, scares me a little: "We'll get married, I'm just happy being with you.")

 

But after a while of trying to get answers out of him - and getting some honest answers, some vague answers, some evasive answers - I realized I wasn't really getting anywhere and laid off of it. That's the explanation for the 'coy' tactic - I have taken a more passive backseat to let him initiate it, as trying to get it all done the first time around just wasn't working. My goal was never to annoy him, but inevitably that was what happened every time it was brought up...and that was around the 2 year mark.

 

I have met many, many, many men who talk the talk but can't walk the walk, and I am very afraid it's happening to me. I have had friends whose boyfriends blabbed about marriage nonstop, insisted my friends were definitely 'it,' the whole gamut. A few months later, the guys admit that they were just saying what they thought she wanted to hear because they were afraid of losing them after so long. Needless to say, most of those relationships have imploded.

 

Frankly, I would like the rights afforded to me by marriage - and having children outside of marriage is not an option. He claims he also wants to get married and has told me that getting married two years from now would be "way too long." And this is recent - within the last few weeks he's told me this. I have suggested a possible wedding date to him - in June 2013 - which he has agreed to and told me he likes.

 

At this point, I'm assuming that he doesn't know how long it will take to plan the wedding he wants (I want to elope, but he wants an actual wedding, and not something too small...which is what I would prefer), which is why he's not making any moves, or, on the more negative side, he's simply just not that interested in getting married.

 

I am a little shocked that so many automatically believe discussions have never happened, that I've nagged, that I've played mind games with him - I'm going to guess because that's the stereotypical imagery of the woman in the relationship? I've been upfront with my thoughts about it for a while.

 

That said, I'm also not focused on "right now" - I am looking longer-term. I'm not simply sticking around for the thought, "Well, he's here and I want a husband, he'll suffice." I enjoy our relationship. I realize that I have a decent and good person that I could see making a lifetime with. I don't understand why "I would like to get married and relatively soon, because I am afraid that I am wasting my time" is so often perceived as being impatient.

 

It has been 4 years and we did not meet when we were teenagers. I was practically done with my schooling when we first met. How long am I supposed to wait before the grown-up police will decide the decision is one born of interest rather than "I want a husband?"

 

I am confused by his behavior. His words would indicate to me that a proposal is imminent, he's very keen on getting married, etc. His behaviors are entirely different - this has been going on for quite a while (probably close to a year).

 

He doesn't know my ring size. Unless he's calling off of work and going to look at rings, it's highly unlikely he's gotten serious about that. While he'll talk to me sometimes about wedding plans, and bring it up himself, if I bring up other things - like where we would get married - I get, "We'll get to that when we get to that, we should get engaged first." Yet other times, he's discussing dates, themes, the whole enchilada.

 

Honestly, I don't care about the wedding (see: desire to elope, avoid the entire thing). I just want to be married to him. I realize it's not going to 'magically' change the relationship anymore than living with him has. I realize that marriage will mean cleaning his underwear, groveling because he didn't do something I asked him, snuggling together and watching T.V., etc., the mundane stuff. It does afford me many rights, however. It bothers me that if he were to drop dead tomorrow, I couldn't plan his funeral. If he were to wind up seriously injured, I couldn't make medical decisions on his behalf.

 

I watched a relative bury her boyfriend of 25 years after frantically trying to hunt down his estranged family so they could give the funeral home permission to release his body to her.

 

I do feel resentment building and I am getting more and more suspicious of his motives over time - if this had happened, say, around the 2 year or the 3 year mark, I would not have felt suspicious. I would have felt excitement because I would have felt more confident that a proposal was coming. Now that we've been together nearly 4 years, we've lived together for a year, he's planning on buying a house and attending grad school, my confidence in the idea that we will get engaged and subsequently married has dwindled because so many other things are going on.

 

A year ago, I was very confident that I was about to get engaged. As the months, seasons and now a year has trickled by, I feel less and less sure it will happen. I know for many other couples, it's a matter of age, money, education, etc. Those are not an issue. We have dated other people, are long finished with our degrees and have jobs.

 

He's completing grad school for fun - he thinks it may someday help him advance in his job, but his job was safe even before it. His income is roughly 2 - 3 times that of the 'average' family in our area alone. My income is about comparable to the average in my area.

 

I know he has already saved up a 20% down payment for a house, and we didn't even notice the absence of the money. I'm not bragging - but emphasizing how little money is a concern.

 

I guess there's nothing I can do but get up some courage - the kind in my mind and the liquid kind - and try to broach the subject again, see if I can actually make any headway.

[zengirl]

FWIW, I assumed you hadn't talked to him because you said in the OP you never bring marriage up.

 

Another question: Why do you assume grad school or a house mean postponing marriage? To me, a house would make marriage MORE likely. So, I'm confused.

[Lauriebell82]

OP, all of the things you mentioned are GOOD SIGNS!!! He's flat out told you that you will be married and agreed to a wedding date. He's just unfortunately not ready to propose yet. I understand that's frustrating but if you truly want to marry him then you will have to wait. Beleive me, I've been there and understand the anxiety, but you have to ask yourself if you want to marry THIS man or you just want to get married. If you just want to get married, then maybe your boyfriend isn't the one for you.

[setsenia]

I wouldn't wait more than 5 and my husband agrees. He always told me he wouldn't wait more than 5-6 years before it's a dealbreaker. I know a lot of people rush into having kids after marriage, but I think it's important to enjoy and get to know married life personally, instead of dating/living together 7 years, rush into marriage and pop out babies. We got married after 2 years.

 

My brother's gf is 25, no education, no decent paying job and wants kids within 2 years. She told me she thinks 30 is too old to have children. I say 30 is the new 20. You can have babies up to 35 without even having to be tested for things such as down syndrome during your pregnancy.

[Feliciti]

Longest I would wait?

 

Forever. I'm serious. What's the point? To get a cut in the money if things go bad? If I were even remotely afraid that would happen, I'm not sure I'd even consider marriage in the first place. What are the benefits of it? The party? The fact that you are considered a couple by the government? Call me too young to understand, and lacking proper knowledge about the laws, but I'm more concerned about the feelings involved, rather than what is outlined on paper...

[setsenia]

I think there are plenty of more benefits to it than that. Not necissarily financial security, but there's also emotional security that comes with it. The fact that he/she is willing to prove commitment to you. Especially if you have a family. Yes, it makes you a couple in the eyes of the government, but let's say you have a family with this person and they gets sick, you are considered nothing more than the girlfriend or boyfriend. You have no rights or decisions over them whatsoever. It will be their parents or other closest relative who will be making decisions regarding your health. If you put in all this commitment for several years, shouldn't you be the ones to make those decisions? Basically you put in a lot into the relationship and may end up with nothing. So it's not just so you can get a part of the marriage, it actually benefits both parties. If you do things financially for this person you are not married to, you may wind up with nothing in return, because you weren't married.

[Feliciti]

I think there are plenty of more benefits to it than that. Not necissarily financial security, but there's also emotional security that comes with it. The fact that he/she is willing to prove commitment to you. Especially if you have a family. Yes, it makes you a couple in the eyes of the government, but let's say you have a family with this person and they gets sick, you are considered nothing more than the girlfriend or boyfriend. You have no rights or decisions over them whatsoever. It will be their parents or other closest relative who will be making decisions regarding your health. If you put in all this commitment for several years, shouldn't you be the ones to make those decisions? Basically you put in a lot into the relationship and may end up with nothing. So it's not just so you can get a part of the marriage, it actually benefits both parties. If you do things financially for this person you are not married to, you may wind up with nothing in return, because you weren't married.

 

Regarding health, that's a whole other thing than marriage. That's a basic registration, at least in my country, which is also a legal nessesity if you don't want problems with the law while living together. But not having any say in what happens? That seriously depends on the family, but in that regard, I do see the point in some way. So if your significant others' family hates you, that could mean you wouldn't get the chance to help at all.... Which, now that I think about, would be pretty bad if your own family hates you...

 

Fine, I do see some point in it, I still think most of it is possible to be avoided with the right know-how. Might ask my boyfriend about that tomorrow.

[shorty7]

OP, I'm going to give you my story to give you some perspective.

 

I'm 29 years old, 4.5 months left in my 20's. No ring. As of late January, my LDR boyfriend and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary. We've never lived together. He's in his second year of teaching overseas because when he got his Master's and credential almost 2 years ago, there were no teaching jobs in this country. (Hence our LDR)

 

For the last year, I've been on fence about leaving this relationship exactly due to the fears and despairing feeling you are having right now. And the most important question you must absolutely ask yourself right now, is:

 

"Am I happy with myself, even without him?"

 

If the answer to that question in your mind is "you - love = 0", then that's a red flag right there. (Trust me, I've BEEN there!!) Men only believe that in order for a positive marriage to happen, two positives must come together. They'll hold off on determining if the timing's right if one side is negative (even if the negative is caused by their own doing; whether they will ever admit to it or not is a whole different subject altogether).

 

So if you believe you don't have anything left if you can't marry him, it's time to prepare yourself. Get yourself a counselor. If you're not happy in your career, change that. Are you enjoying yourself being by yourself? Are you feeling cognitively challenged, getting a chance to be creative or "do what you do best?"

 

If any of your answers to the above questions are "no," you can best believe that's probably one of the reasons he might be inclined to believe he's not ready yet. It's weird, I know, but if he's in a good place emotionally and financially, what's probably holding him back is the stability thing. He probably just doesn't think getting engaged, married, and still being in school is just not stable enough.

 

Which, is not a bad sign. It means he's serious about your future together, but like many men, he's like a dog--he can only focus his attention on one thing at a time. He realizes that having a good education, a good job to support you, and a comfortable living environment, is what will help build the foundations for a solid marriage and there's nothing wrong in him wanting to secure that. For your future together with him.

 

So again, if you think you can't be a better woman than you already are (top of your game, best at your job/hobby, best shape you can be, etc. etc. etc.), those are some things you can try focusing on. Key thing is that you have to make yourself believe that you're not waiting. No, you are too busy to wait. You are independent, successful, beautiful, healthy, and definitely worth the praise and commitment to show that--if he's not ready to realize that, there's plenty out there that will want you for who you are, and you just have to prepare yourself for that.

 

I know it sounds silly, but you want a boy to propose, you scare him into it. You want a man to propose, you make him think you're going after that grand prize. (This is just a theory I'm throwing out there--not gonna claim that it works or not, just providing some perspective opinions.)

 

--I've only come to this hypothetical theory in recent terms, so don't count me on this being a solid thing that works for every relationship, but acknowledging all this has definitely helped me shed some light on the "WHY WON'T HE PROPOSE TO ME" woes, so I hope it helps for you too--

[Leigh 87]

How long would I wait?

 

It all depends. If I felt like we were on the same page.....

 

 

If we were both becoming closer and closer, and things were very close and great between us... I would say 2 - 3 years is a healthy amount of time?

 

In saying that, it all depends on the people. Some couples do not really value marriage much, and can love each other deaply, without the need fro marriage, until it hits them after 8 - 10 years.

 

Where as it is pretty much love at first sight with some people, and they get married after as year or two...

 

 

You want marriage, and he obvously does on some level. It IS something u obviously want from him in the next year.

 

I think if u lay off it, and focus on deapening your bond, it will just happen:) If u become closer and closer, nd yoru love continues to grow, he will just ask.

 

The fact your suggesting it a lot, takes away the focus on your actual relationship to him. He probably wants to wait for the right moment.

[Lionblade]

I think there are plenty of more benefits to it than that. Not necissarily financial security, but there's also emotional security that comes with it. The fact that he/she is willing to prove commitment to you. Especially if you have a family. Yes, it makes you a couple in the eyes of the government, but let's say you have a family with this person and they gets sick, you are considered nothing more than the girlfriend or boyfriend. You have no rights or decisions over them whatsoever. It will be their parents or other closest relative who will be making decisions regarding your health. If you put in all this commitment for several years, shouldn't you be the ones to make those decisions? Basically you put in a lot into the relationship and may end up with nothing. So it's not just so you can get a part of the marriage, it actually benefits both parties. If you do things financially for this person you are not married to, you may wind up with nothing in return, because you weren't married.

 

Any marriage benefits such as what you explained can be pretty much done with the law beforehand these days.

 

For example, for what you explained above regarding medical decisions all you have to do is fill out a simple Medical Power of Attorney form & a living will.

[setsenia]

I think there are still a lot of reasons why common law and civil unions aren't the same. There are plenty of insurance companies through employers that won't provide health insurance to your partner unless you are married. No and's, if's or but's. That and you will technically never have in-laws since you are not married. It's amazing how many couples have an accidental pregnancy and then refer to their "mother-in-law" when they are not married. Having a baby together doesn't mean you're automatically married. You want a mother in law? Get married.

[CupcakeCrisis]

. Edited for reasons..