MissBee Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Cupcake... I'm going to be honest....if you have to do this, chances are he is not that into marrying you. That's really the truth. Even if he gives you a ring tomorrow, how would you truly feel? You say his actions show over and over again that he's not that into you.....that is a HUGE admission...why would you want to marry a man who has shown you over and over that he isn't that into you is the real question? I know, esp as women, when we invest, even in a shoddy relationship we are hellbent on getting a return on our investment and try to squeeze water out of a stone...you've been with him for a while, want to marry, he's your only real prospect so you're hoping against hope and analyzing him here daily...yet even your real life friends are telling you that this doesn't look promising. Your boyfriend sounds like he is future faking...i.e. promising you a future and dangling one in front of your face so he can get what he wants today, but the future will never come. When you're antsy he promises he will get you a ring so you'll shut up, but when you cool off, he suddenly can't bother anymore and weasels out smh. Please Google the site Baggage Reclaim and look for the article on future faking...it will probably highlight some of your boyfriend's behavior. You can analyze him until the cows come home...but the fact you even need to analyze says enough. I think you know the truth but are still trying to make water come out of a very dry rock and are just hoping that all the signs you've seen of him not being that interested, taking no initiative etc will magically disappear and he will be your wonderful husband....chances are, even if he does marry you, you'd still be unhappy. You should ask yourself and make an HONEST list of why YOU want to marry him, why he deserves you and how will spending the rest of your life contracted to him something that will make life better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CupcakeCrisis Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 MissBee, the article on Future Faking was exactly what I needed to read - I wanted to thank you for it. I guess for the most part it's him: he's always been faithful. But I also think he's incredibly lazy and he just wouldn't have the energy to pursue someone else. I'm here and available, so he can get a housekeeper, sex, and someone to make dinner and all he has to do is periodically say, "It's coming SOON" or spout off about an imaginary wedding, proposal, etc. that he's probably not seriously planning on. ' Meanwhile, I'm the one doing all of the work. I'm going to spend the rest of today really thinking on this. Sure, it's crossed my mind - obviously - several times that he's not being sincere. But besides this, he's always been great, so part of me has always gone: "You're pressuring him or something. He's just taking a little longer than usual. It's not you. Eventually, things will change." I guess that's a common refrain with most of us, though. We always think they're going to change, that it's circumstantial. Just as soon as one or two little things are different...they'll be ready. Of course, after those 2 things are done, it's always something else. Today, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I've apparently just wasted the last 4 years of my life on a dead bargain. I'm going to talk with some family members tomorrow and see about moving my stuff out and living with my parents by the end of the week. Thanks for all of your help, guys. Understandably or not...I've been hard-headed in letting him go. I think for both of us to have good lives...I really have to let him go this time. Or someday I will wonder why the Hell I gave up so many years of my life for someone who never intended for me to be a long-term fixture anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 (edited) I did tell him very recently that I feel that I should move out because clearly it's hindering us from moving forward (after trying several other routes: I.e., talking to him). He got very angry and told me that that doesn't make him 'any closer to proposing.' lol, as though he's close to proposing now! I wasn't trying to force an ultimatum, but I do think I need to stop giving the milk for free. The more you give, the more people take.Wow he said that??? That's where I would walk out immediately and never looked back (no way would I ever recover from that statement, it would be the last straw for me). How rude!!!!! Good to hear you're considering leaving this relationship. Nope he's not gonna propose to you and if he does it's gonna be a forced one, where he'll just feel resentment (if it were to lead to marriage that is). Once you break up, don't accept a ring from him. That would be a fake proposal. How can a man that claims to ''love you'' get upset that the ''love of his life'' wants to spend the rest of his life with him? Denying that is really like a deep rejection. That's like saying ''No, you're not good enough for me... you're just another gf''. Edited June 10, 2012 by samsungxoxo Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I don't know about you girls, but at the 3yr mark if i she doesn't pop the question with a diamond ring then i'm moving on. No point in wasting your time for her, when she doesn't appreciate you. Link to post Share on other sites
Onlyjonley Posted June 20, 2012 Share Posted June 20, 2012 I'd really like to hear the outcome of this. Update, Cupcake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CupcakeCrisis Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 Well, I spent more time than I originally said I would deciding what to do. Depending on the perspective you're seeing it from, the story has a happy ending. A day before I planned to start packing my things, he did propose. He never knew about my plan to leave and the like. It was romantic and I'm happy with the result. He's contacted several realtors and he's found two houses that he's crazy about...usually he's not been that interested in the houses. He's called and e-mailed them several times to schedule a viewing for this weekend - but wouldn't you know it...this time it's the REALTORS who aren't getting back to him. We're going to see a hall for our wedding this weekend (it's already been scheduled). We may sign the papers that day, which means we'll be getting married very early next year. You know, I wasn't happy about his comment regarding my actions not 'making him any closer to proposing.' But maybe he did think I was just going to sit there and make idle, blind threats to try and coerce him into proposing...rather than what I was really trying to do, which was have an honest conversation with him about how I felt that living together was impeding our relationship's progress. He did apologize - on his own - for that barb. Link to post Share on other sites
Onlyjonley Posted June 29, 2012 Share Posted June 29, 2012 Congrats on your engagement!!! Best wishes!!! Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted June 30, 2012 Share Posted June 30, 2012 Well as long as it was a forced one and he really did it, then ok. Congrats... Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted July 2, 2012 Share Posted July 2, 2012 You know, I'm thinking if a man wanted to get married, I don't think he would need an ultimatum nor get reminded by the woman about ''where is this going, you said this and that 2 years ago''. Wouldn't it come from within him and he would do it himself? For all a know, he would even go against the winds or through broken glasses if that is what takes to propose. Ok let's say the OP's proposes after that talk but then how would she know that's a sincere, surprise proposal or only because she mentioned it? I have a feeling he is wasting the OP's time and if after a long time the future hasn't been mentioned on a single conversation, it's time to move on. Agreed. OP I see a lot of my ex in your boyfriend. Going through life, doing things for himself (school, apartment) but when it came down to "US" as a couple, there was just never discussions of anything. If I brought something up he would coast right over it, say something non-committal or say something to pacify me for the time being. There were times HE would say something, but it never led into a full on conversation of anything. I like you, stopped mentioning engagement all together. And by our two year mark, I KNEW we would never be getting married. I was talking to couples and they had said they discussed rings, and their wants and desires, and their plans for the future, and I realized my boyfriend and I never had that. It was completely superficial and I didn't realize that until about two years with him. His friends were getting engaged left and right, and we still had not even had a proper discussion. I knew I was on the fast track to going no where. If a couple is in their mid-late twenties, I believe they are correct when they say engagement comes after the two year mark. His brother got engaged during this time, as did a few of his friends. If you got together during your teen years, obviously this time limit can be extended significantly. So while his brother was out getting engaged after 2 years, his friends, I was still twiddling my thumbs wondering when it was going to be my turn. I learned that engagements aren't full on surprises. There are many conversations that happen before the actual engagement takes place. Once I realized this, I knew he was never going to propose. I still stayed though. No real idea why, but we broke up just shy of our three year mark. Link to post Share on other sites
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