Tony have you been through this?

[Dragonflys]

Hey

 

In some way I know what you are going through.

 

My ex was similar. After we got together she became colder and colder until freezing. Whenever I threw my caring at her, she bounced it off and became worse.

 

But in hindsight,since we have broken up,and I have gotten over her to a large extent I realise that my approach to her was wrong.

 

Since we have broken up she still comes to visit me almost every day (she works where I do on the floor below), and I do not visit her. She needs my friendship and finds comfort and confidence in my company.

 

The reason for that is that over the course of the relationship she established this wierd 'sense' that she was better than me and she could feel confident around me, while around everyone else she is very shy and reserved and she is scared to get to know them.

 

Just last week she asked me if I knew about a self-help book she could get because of her fears. I told her that her fear stems from the fact that she has a very low self esteem even though she has it all going for her. (imagine ME saying that!..but I knew I was right). I told her that is why she treats boyfriends so badly because they all tell her how beautiful she is and she does not believe them, and then subconsciously makes the conclusion that they are either a bad judge of character ot must be pretty low to be looking up to her..and then things deteriorate.

 

I wonder and doubt if such damage can be repaired, I think in your case your only approach may be to tell her what I told my ex, and see if you two together can seek some help. She will NOT listen to any advice from you directly. Emotionally you will have to distance yourself from her.....I tried that but it is MURDER, you will feel so empty. Shows you how hard this is..

 

Oliver

[Deejette]

It's like Groucho Marx's statement: "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that accepts me as a member." Some people have such low self-esteem, they only believe the people who put them down. These people can be toxic to hang out with because they are only truly happy when their bad self-image is affirmed through rejection. They don't know what to do with love and think the lover is crazy for thinking so highly of them. So they reinforce derogatory behavior and encourage ill-treatment.

Hey In some way I know what you are going through.

 

My ex was similar. After we got together she became colder and colder until freezing. Whenever I threw my caring at her, she bounced it off and became worse. But in hindsight,since we have broken up,and I have gotten over her to a large extent I realise that my approach to her was wrong. Since we have broken up she still comes to visit me almost every day (she works where I do on the floor below), and I do not visit her. She needs my friendship and finds comfort and confidence in my company. The reason for that is that over the course of the relationship she established this wierd 'sense' that she was better than me and she could feel confident around me, while around everyone else she is very shy and reserved and she is scared to get to know them. Just last week she asked me if I knew about a self-help book she could get because of her fears. I told her that her fear stems from the fact that she has a very low self esteem even though she has it all going for her. (imagine ME saying that!..but I knew I was right). I told her that is why she treats boyfriends so badly because they all tell her how beautiful she is and she does not believe them, and then subconsciously makes the conclusion that they are either a bad judge of character ot must be pretty low to be looking up to her..and then things deteriorate.

 

I wonder and doubt if such damage can be repaired, I think in your case your only approach may be to tell her what I told my ex, and see if you two together can seek some help. She will NOT listen to any advice from you directly. Emotionally you will have to distance yourself from her.....I tried that but it is MURDER, you will feel so empty. Shows you how hard this is.. Oliver