woots31 Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 My family story is long and filled with confusing twists, so let me try to simplify. I was abandoned by my biological mother as an infant, taken by the police from my biological father shortly after, spent years in different foster homes until I was blessed with a wonderful family. My father was the best man I ave ever met. My mother and I have never bonded, she does not hate me, but it feels like it sometimes. If my mother is ever upset about anything, I become her whipping post. I feel like I am here for her to relieve stress, I get screamed at about nothingness because she can not do anything about the bigger problem. Then she turns around and lies to my sisters and brothers about things I do or don't do. For instance, I was giving her $700 a month and I heard her on the phone saying she is lucky if she gets $100 a month from me, after I clean her house she complains to them about what a mess the house is and how I never do anything. Where I realize all of this, and just let it go because I know they will not listen to me I am just the one that was adopted when they were all adults and moved out, is trivial in the big picture. I don't want to become like her. I think I already have to a point, and so I push people away when I see myself start to react like she would. Also, I react to other people as if everything is an attack. I need to focus on the fact that everyone is not my mother, and they are not all attacking me. I have lost out on one really great relationship because of my defensive reactions. Is it because of my family or is it because I did not deal with the situation in a healthy way? Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Sorry, I don't have a good answer to your question. I think you're on the right track in realizing that not everyone is like your mother and you don't need to be defensive with everyone. Can I ask, though, why are you giving your mother $700 per month and cleaning her house? Do you live with her? And why do you think the opinions of your adult siblings matter if they are being told lies? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 (edited) ....Is it because of my family or is it because I did not deal with the situation in a healthy way? Bearing in mind you have simplified, I am simplifying too... The answer to your question, is 'both'. There is 'blame' and there is 'responsibility'. Let me illustrate using a general scenario: Couple are married for six years. One has an affair wirth a work colleague/internet chat-buddy/neighbour. This person is to BLAME for precipitating a serious rift in the marriage. But both partners in the marriage are RESPONSIBLE for the state of the marriage. Blame is proportional. Responsibility is equal. Your mother may be to blame for the hurtful things she has said, the lies and the way she treats you. But you are both equally responsible for the dynamics of the relationship. You have taught her that it's ok to treat you that way. So she does. Until you state your piece - she'll go on treating you that way. It is good to not wish to inflame a situation, and to remain silent. But not at the expense of your own peace of mind, contentment and day to day existence. Edited March 10, 2012 by TaraMaiden Link to post Share on other sites
boshemia Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Sometimes it is as simple as habit. If you get used to defending yourself in your main environment you learn to see the world as a dangerous place. Fight or flight can save your life, but it can also become a conditioned response. Most relationships are based in a large part not on what is going on here and now but on how we have learned to react to similar situations in the past. But blame... that is another subject entirely. When you blame someone, you give them control over your life... it sounds like you really need to feel like YOU are in control of your life. If that is the case, then you would be far better served by forgetting who is to blame and figuring out how to turn the old habits that are hurting you into new habits that will help you find that control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carlsongs Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Stay srong my friemd. Life has up and downs. Just try and keep it up Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Ask her point blank why she says those things to "others"? If she has something to say about you - she should say it only to you! Tell her that she's hurting you when she does anything other than that. Tell her what you expect - if she can't do that - then consider moving. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Stay srong my friemd. Life has up and downs. Just try and keep it up This isn't helpful - it actually doesn't tell her one thing except to grin and bear it. That doesn't change one thing! She actually needs to start stating her truth... Have a voice and speak up when her Mom talks trash about her. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Stay srong my friemd. Life has up and downs. Just try and keep it up This isn't helpful - it actually doesn't tell her one thing except to grin and bear it. That doesn't change one thing! I think it was a 'first attempt experimental post' as it's his first, and as you rightly say - actually gives little or no advice..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author woots31 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Share Posted March 10, 2012 Sorry, I don't have a good answer to your question. I think you're on the right track in realizing that not everyone is like your mother and you don't need to be defensive with everyone. Can I ask, though, why are you giving your mother $700 per month and cleaning her house? Do you live with her? And why do you think the opinions of your adult siblings matter if they are being told lies? I was giving it to her because I thought she needed it. When she let me know that wasn't good enough for her I stopped. I clean because if I don't she freaks out. I am living with her until June, because she asked me to come and help my brother with my nephew. I for some reason care I am not liked, especially by my family. It mainly hurts because she uses them to try and manipulate me, and she has them lie to me as well. She had my sister tell me that she had an appraiser coming to look at my moms house so I could go above and beyond organizing her things. Then a couple of days later told my brother in law that she just said that to get the cleaning done, not knowing she was on speaker phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woots31 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Share Posted March 10, 2012 Stay srong my friemd. Life has up and downs. Just try and keep it up Thanks, I am working on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woots31 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Share Posted March 10, 2012 I think it was a 'first attempt experimental post' as it's his first, and as you rightly say - actually gives little or no advice..... I get that everyone has their own opinion, mine is no one can be the judge of what can or can not be advise for any other then themselves. In my eyes I was being told that I need to focus more on the positive things in my life and let those things lead the way, rather then let the negative pull me down. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Learn good balance. It doesn't include making others happy if it makes you miserable or sad. You can't please everyone - it's not possible! So stop trying to do the impossible. Make yourself happy. And start giving to those that appreciate you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woots31 Posted March 10, 2012 Author Share Posted March 10, 2012 This isn't helpful - it actually doesn't tell her one thing except to grin and bear it. That doesn't change one thing! She actually needs to start stating her truth... Have a voice and speak up when her Mom talks trash about her. I can state my truth and it will only have adverse affects in this situation. The last time I spoke up for my self my mother left her house and the entire family came over to let me know what a piece of trash they thought I was. Although I try to not let that bother me, I know if I want the situation to change I need to move out. This is something I am doing. This is also just running away again and I know that, but I am not going to have the family blame me for running my mother out of her own house. I am sure that my family will eventually have no contact with me and my children and if that is what they choose then I am not going to force the issue. I am greatful for being allowed to have a family, but the lies and manipulation can stay out of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 I can state my truth and it will only have adverse affects in this situation. The last time I spoke up for my self my mother left her house and the entire family came over to let me know what a piece of trash they thought I was. Although I try to not let that bother me, I know if I want the situation to change I need to move out. This is something I am doing. This is also just running away again and I know that, but I am not going to have the family blame me for running my mother out of her own house. I am sure that my family will eventually have no contact with me and my children and if that is what they choose then I am not going to force the issue. I am greatful for being allowed to have a family, but the lies and manipulation can stay out of my life. Just tell them you aren't going to go along with their lies and manipulation. When your Mom lies - point it out - without emotions. Just state it as a calm statement "what you just said is NOT the truth"... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diamonds&Rust Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 I think support and advice are different; advice is not always received as helpful, but most people appreciate support. A lot of the advice that I read on this forum seems unhelpful even if it's the healthiest thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woots31 Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 I think support and advice are different; advice is not always received as helpful, but most people appreciate support. A lot of the advice that I read on this forum seems unhelpful even if it's the healthiest thing to do. Support and advice are different but also both important. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 well, woots31, let's not change the subject - you've had both support and advice - so, what do you think you need to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author woots31 Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 well, woots31, let's not change the subject - you've had both support and advice - so, what do you think you need to do? I think I need to move, stop allowing my mother to affect me the way she does, and calmly point out that I am not why she is mad. I need to take everything with a grain of salt with my family because I can not change them and it is not my job to. I need to stand tall and be proud of myself, and not allow any one to push me down. I may get tripped some times but I can always stand up. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 whoot whoot, woot31!!! You go girl! Let us know how you get on.... but do things discreetly... if you advertise or broadcast your intentions, they'll make your life a merry hell. find a place, secure the deposit, rent and whatever, then move out, quickly and promptly. And don't make it so's you have to leave a forwarding address..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JesseJames Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Yeah. Well, good luck with your acting then. Perhaps try some crazy catalysts like skydiving or rock climbing or some other thing that you've never done before. A musical instrument? This should help to change some of that wiring. Keep some space. People are overly indicative of themselves in this world for some reason. Be more dynamic and show them how living is done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woots31 Posted March 17, 2012 Author Share Posted March 17, 2012 Everything escalated and I had my sister and brother come here to tell me exactly what they thought, from what my mother had told them. Although some things came out and the truth was discovered in most of the situation, a lot was left unsaid. I could make excuses and say I was unprepared and I had only gotten two hours of sleep when they woke me to have this conversation, due to my working midnights. I wont say these are why I did not bring up everything, I froze in fear of makeing them more upset then they already were. A very wonderful person picked me up and allowed me to calm down so as to not do something incredibly stupid like move out to soon into a place I can not afford. I feel blessed to have friends that care so much for me. As for some thing that is a catalyst I think it was mentioned I have decided to try out for a band. They have been asking for some time and I blew it off, but now I think I deserve this way of releasing frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
boshemia Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Being assertive takes some practice, it has taken a long time for things to get where they are and there is a lot to fix. However, it sounds like you took a huge step forward to me and you are making some very constructive decisions. Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author woots31 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Two weeks away from looking at apartments, and what happens? I planned on looking at apartments thru April, so I could move in May, seeing as my mom asked me to stay till June. Yesterday I woke up and my computer and internet hot spot are gone. In there place was a note from my mother telling me to clean. I am an online student, as well as a member to this and another therapeutic web site. So in order to make sure I cleaned the way she wanted me to she took away my therapy, and the door to my school. She has not said a word to me or responded to any of mu text messages. She refuses to answer her phone. In response to what she did I packed all of my things and moved them into the garage. I text ed her and told her I could not believe she could not just ask me to take care of what she wanted done instead she stole my personal belongings. I am going to try to move out in the next week or two. I let her know when all of the things I owned were out of her house, and if she did not return my property, that I would call the police. I hope I can get into a place early next week. When I got home from work this morning at six a.m. my things were placed back in this room, were my daughter and I take turns sleeping on a couch, her at night me during the day (since I work midnights). I don't think I will have any form of healthy relationship with my mother ever again, if I ever had one to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 kudos to you for being so calm and logical. I hope things go well for you, and that you find a solution and personal happiness soon.... Be calm, breathe - and know that you aren't alone. Mums can be difficult..... Link to post Share on other sites
boshemia Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Not that I know you personally or anything but I must say I am proud of you. It's not easy to admit that you can't always have a healthy relationship with your family. As my counselor is fond of saying you can't expect a chicken to give milk, and cows don't lay eggs. Your mother can only give you what she is capable of giving you, but you sound like you are on the right track to fixing YOUR life. Go you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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