Do I blame them?

[woots31]

kudos to you for being so calm and logical.

I hope things go well for you, and that you find a solution and personal happiness soon....

Be calm, breathe - and know that you aren't alone.

 

Mums can be difficult.....

I can say I was not calm at all.

I was so angry the day everything happened my clothes and hair were soaked in sweat.

She talked to me yesterday to tell me that what she did was not wrong, and that she would do it again. I decided to move my laptop and internet out of the house. On top of that I moved my children's XBOX out of the house. I should have known better when she asked me to come here.

[TaraMaiden]

Aaaaaand..... breathe........

 

i adore your blue hydrangea..... That plant was the first plant I ever received as a birthday present, when i was 11 - and it gave rise to a life-long passion for gardening, and the plant itself grew to be a bush nearly 6 foot wide.... but i had to feed it a whole load of hydrangea food to keep it blue (it's the aluminium you know - or as they prefer in the USA, 'aluminum'....)

 

I just thought i'd touch on something beautiful to lift your heart after your experience....

I'm sorry you're going through this.....

[boshemia]

I can say I was not calm at all.

She talked to me yesterday to tell me that what she did was not wrong, and that she would do it again.

 

And there you have it...

 

If you were to take this information on a totally unemotional level, just as information like the sky being blue or the grass being green where does that leave you in your life?

[Sugarkane]

I can totally relate. My dad always does a similar thing too. He'll go on the phone to someone and endlessly paint us black for no reason. He complains about how spoilt and selfish we are, even though I paid rent and buy everything myself. As I hate owing him money. and even though he's always the one going away or buying another motor bike. He completely makes up down right lies about us.And always makes sure we can hear it all. But If you say anything he'll tell you to shut up or scream at you.

Edited March 27, 2012 by Sugarkane
iPhone errors

[woots31]

I can totally relate. My dad always does a similar thing too. He'll go on the phone to someone and endlessly paint us black for no reason. He complains about how spoilt and selfish we are, even though I paid rent and buy everything myself. As I hate owing him money. and even though he's always the one going away or buying another motor bike. He completely makes up down right lies about us.And always makes sure we can hear it all. But If you say anything he'll tell you to shut up or scream at you.

Or it is "I never said that","I never did that", or "you just don't understand" I should have known better then to come back here. She has only gotten worse since the last time I left. I should have known we could not get along.

[RiverRunning]

Woots, have you ever heard of narcissistic personality disorder? Reading your thread reminded me a lot of my OWN mother. Women who have this tend to be selfish, see things only from their own perspective, view children as an extension of themselves, etc. It's not uncommon for them to praise their sons and bully their daughters, although sometimes one daughter is their 'clone' and she gets all the worship, while another daughter may be 'the other' who gets bullied and punished. In families where there is only one daughter, the daughter often gets the brunt of all of mom's punishment.

 

My mom was a completely different person when I moved out of her house though - she put on that false air of kindness she adopts for everyone who doesn't live with her. I am HAPPY with that. We have a shallow relationship and we go shopping together once or so a week but I haven't forgotten the craziness she put me through and the pain I suffered because of her.

 

This is psychological damage that's going to impact you and your daughter probably for the rest of your lives - so it's great that you're moving out.

 

There are several forums for children and daughters of narcissistic mothers (I wouldn't recommend the 'DONM' forum - the owner of that place is bat-crazy. When I was a member there, there were multiple posts every single day from women apologizing, terrified they had done any little thing wrong. The owner would ban members whose back stories she didn't 'like.' I ended up getting banned simply because someone came into the forum and insulted me. I took it with a grain of salt and laughed it off. The owner messaged me to explain why I thought I had been attacked, then threatened to close my account if I didn't respond. I responded but was banned anyway! Apparently I was supposed to tell the site owner that I deserved it? ).

 

I'd say it's worth looking into this condition. I can share with you some of my experiences: My mother refused to recognize me as a sovereign person. She too would call people and trash me right in my face about every little thing, namely my 'house cleaning' abilities. But if I tried to do housework for her, she would complain that I couldn't do it right and she 'has to do everything herself.' So why would you bother after a while? You were going to get trashed either way, may as well take the road that requires the least effort.

 

She would make wild exaggerations, saying things like, "You leave stuff ALL OVER the dishes!" I asked which dishes, from a big pile I had recently washed, had something on them. She mentioned ONE. DISH. Had a little something still stuck on it. Her black-and-white thinking was a red flag of NPD.

 

Every problem that happened in the house was always considered from her vantage point. Example: my dad recently stopped working after he was diagnosed with depression (he's going back in a few weeks). Rather than ever talking about his health and how it would impact him and what she could do to help him improve (beyond nagging, which is all she appears capable of doing), she immediately started screaming about how she was going to pay the bills and how there was 'no one' to help her. I immediately offered her several hundred dollars, which she said she wouldn't take, before she went back into her refrain of 'woe is me, no one ever helps us.' I told her I'd talk to her when she was ready to talk, which apparently sent her into a tailspin: some relatives heard about it because she called to tell them that I had stopped talking to her because she was behaving completely irrationally.

 

While living in her house, no one could express their own opinions. I could not dissent. If I wanted to be happy, I had to agree with her 100% of the time. Only she could be the one to throw temper tantrums, get angry, scream. If the rest of us were even DEPRESSED or a little bit unhappy, she would explode with anger. I had to tell her everything too: I couldn't just be left alone. If I was acting depressed, she would keep demanding I tell her what was wrong. Eventually, she would explode and throw a temper tantrum.

 

She once accused me of driving home drunk because I went to visit a friend who lived half an hour away. When I came home, she demanded to smell my breath. When I refused, she blew up. There were a few times when I would tell her that I would help her - LITERALLY in a minute - and she would have an outburst because she wanted instant service, any time of day or night, no matter what I was doing. I had to immediately drop everything and go serve her.

 

I hated it as a kid because if she asked me to do something and I refused, it would warrant a temper tantrum as she went slamming off to her bedroom. I would go after her, offering to do whatever, begging for her forgiveness. Like the Queen of the Castle, she'd just ignore me, fold her arms over her chest and turn her head like a child. That's really the sum of NPD at times: they often act like children. I know my mom did. Looking back on it now, I realize how childish and extreme her tantrums were. But she had never progressed mentally beyond herself.

 

I went through a lot of emotional abuse - but this brings me to my next question. Where's your dad in all of this? Often the dads either divorce the mothers or become enabling fathers. Does your dad support your mom no matter what? Does he avoid confronting her or standing against her?

 

For a little while, my dad made attempts to try and block us kids from her wrath. But eventually he just started joining in with her smear campaigns and insults. After she accused me of driving home drunk from a friend's house once, she went to him to report her version of events first. His response? "Well, just let her lie dead in a ditch then, since that's apparently what she wants to do." They both went on to continue insulting me.

 

My dad would never compliment me in front of my mom. Really, he would avoid interacting with me altogether. While we were out once, he told me I was a great daughter. I confronted him and asked why he wouldn't say it in front of my mom. He seriously paused and said, "You know how your mother is." That said it all to me.

 

Fortunately, OP, you're a grown woman with your own daughter. It may be worthwhile to join a children-of-parents-with-NPD support group, get books on the subject and even look into therapy, because this is often long-lasting. I'm an anomaly in that I spent about 6 months in a support group, moved away from my parents, and instantly felt better - it may take that little for you too.

 

You say you fear you're acting like your mom. This may well be in your head because her behavior so frightens you. Ask others for an evaluation of your personality (of course, this does mean being willing to face the music because maybe you DO have some of your mother's traits, which isn't necessarily a bad thing).

 

There have been times I'm paranoid that I act like my mom, but I actually think I went in the polar opposite direction: I am very passive and I have learned how to fight well and responsibly in part because of the abuse I suffered at her hands as a kid. Sometimes I bottle anger up too much and then let it out, but for the most part...having an abusive parent like that really helped me see what to do in my life.

[woots31]

I went through a lot of emotional abuse - but this brings me to my next question. Where's your dad in all of this? Often the dads either divorce the mothers or become enabling fathers. Does your dad support your mom no matter what? Does he avoid confronting her or standing against her?

 

My dad passed last May. He use to take care of everything for her and now that he is not here she still expects the things he did to get done, and she does not know how to do it.

When I move my mother is going to realize she is the mess in the house, and the person that does not clean up after them self. I will probably still come by once a month to pick up for her. She is still mom.

Of coarse if she decides I am not doing it good enough I may stop that as well.

[gaius]

When I move my mother is going to realize she is the mess in the house, and the person that does not clean up after them self. I will probably still come by once a month to pick up for her. She is still mom.

Of coarse if she decides I am not doing it good enough I may stop that as well.

I spent years and years and years trying to get my mother to love me. I would go through different phases, sometimes I'd call a lot and when that wouldn't work I'd not call at all. Then I would accept all her generosity and when that didn't work I'd be stoic, only treat her and buy my own stuff. When she had surgery and needed help around the house I took a few weeks vacation to stay over and do just that. Nothing ever worked no matter what I tried though. One night we ended up having an argument and she blurted out something that shook me to my core. The look of delight on her face when she realized she had delivered a KO blow and hurt me bad finally made me realize she just didn't love me and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

That was over 2 years ago, we don't speak much except when there is some official business. She hasn't realized she was wrong about anything. She never will. You seem like a real sweet person woots based on your posts but I see my own mother in everything you write. It might just be better to cut your losses and cut contact completely before you get burned even further. It's her problem, not yours.

[Eve]

Deleted post.

Edited April 5, 2012 by Eve