9 cold approaches past week, result in nothing

[zengirl]

Sounds like you're doing great. The only interaction I question is why you kept talking to the girl who was cold and all, "Why am I talking to you?" That sounds like a bummer. The others are all good convos and if you can appreciate the experience of just talking to new people, then you're doing well. Turning cold-approaches into actual dates is pretty much a crapshoot. It's going to be mostly about appearance and numbers, as Elswyth says. Maybe you get lucky and have a convo that REALLY sparks a girl's interest, but generally that's not a cold approach thing, especially not with young girls, like those in college.

 

That being said, I personally have never accepted a cold approach. I would respond in a friendly manner and assume that the guy is just being friendly, but if it gets to the exchanging phone numbers stage or arranging for a meetup stage, I would politely decline. Granted, most of those approaches have occurred when I was in a relationship, but even when I was single I turned down a few.

 

Me, as well. I can think of a few cold approaches I accepted in recent BH (before-hubby) years (mid20s), but none in my early 20s or teens. The reason I accepted the few I did was they weren't REALLY cold. It may have been the first time I spoke to the guy, but we had a place/group/whatever in common. Most of them happened at the same bar I always went to---it was a comfort zone for me.

 

But FWIW cold approaches when I was just at school or running errands or something have never worked on me. I wouldn't take the time to know someone in that setting. Which isn't to say they don't work on anyone---they work on some and not on others. And either way just talking to people can be good for honing social skills and branching out conversational interests.

[somedude81]

I'm loving all the girls saying that cold approaches never worked on them.

 

As for what does work, only God knows. Or does he?

[fishtaco]

Cold approaches work. But you really do need numbers to back it up. I'm against dating friends normally, that has other issues as well. In fact, there were threads a while back about how women don't like it when their male friends hit on them. So dating within your circle of friends may be what Elswyth and others prefer, but I can tell you there are many women that also do NOT want that. So bottom line, there's no one solution that works. For every woman that tells you do it this way, there's one that will tell you don't do it this way.

 

So you do whatever works for you. In fact, my current GF, was a platonic friend of mine for several years. So "I broke my own rules". But in the end, does it even matter?

[somedude81]

If something works only 5% of the time, can you really say it works?

[verhrzn]

If something works only 5% of the time, can you really say it works?

 

If you don't approach, then your chances of success are usually 0, correct? So, yes, 5 being greater than 0 means it works better than not approaching.

[somedude81]

If you don't approach, then your chances of success are usually 0, correct?

No, because the cold approach is not the only way to get a date or start a relationship with a girls.

 

Out of all your dating experiences, how many were the result of a guy you didn't know, randomly approaching you?

[dispatch3d]

Cold approaches work. But you really do need numbers to back it up. I'm against dating friends normally, that has other issues as well. In fact, there were threads a while back about how women don't like it when their male friends hit on them. So dating within your circle of friends may be what Elswyth and others prefer, but I can tell you there are many women that also do NOT want that. So bottom line, there's no one solution that works. For every woman that tells you do it this way, there's one that will tell you don't do it this way.

 

So you do whatever works for you. In fact, my current GF, was a platonic friend of mine for several years. So "I broke my own rules". But in the end, does it even matter?

 

Dude who cares if the girls want or don't want you to talk to them. Talk to them cause you want to talk to them. If they aren't friendly then just bugger off, no big deal.

[verhrzn]

No, because the cold approach is not the only way to get a date or start a relationship with a girls.

 

Out of all your dating experiences, how many were the result of a guy you didn't know, randomly approaching you?

 

I've never had a guy approach me, period. I've never had a guy pursue me.

 

However, most of my relationships started by me cold approach pursuing a guy. So me cold approaching has apparently worked in the short term.

 

We've already established that trying to get with a girl via the Friend Zone is setting yourself up for disaster. Aside from online dating, you HAVE to cold approach a girl, even to just get to know her. Unless you are the type of guy women pursue and throw themselves at.

[fishtaco]

If something works only 5% of the time, can you really say it works?

 

Yes, because cold approaches could take a few minutes to resolve, at most one night if she's just leading you on and monopolized your time for her entertainment. Where using "friendship" as an avenue to reach romantic success takes the entire length of that friendship to find out. Hence romance from friendship should only happen by chance, and not something you try.

 

Plus, if you read various older LS threads, women usually only will be willing to date around 10% of the men they meet. 5% for a low-cost method that can be frequently and rapidly repeated, compared to months or even years of investment for a 10% probability for non-cold approaches, is actually not bad.

 

And you avoid all the drama of dating within your own social circle.

 

One of the most important concept to understand is that the effort you put into chasing one woman does not equal to increased success. Effort should be spent on increasing the number of women you meet, and self improvement, doesn't matter if you believe in cold approaches or not.

[somedude81]

I've never had a guy approach me, period. I've never had a guy pursue me.

 

However, most of my relationships started by me cold approach pursuing a guy. So me cold approaching has apparently worked in the short term.

Really? I thought you dated guys in your social circle.

 

We've already established that trying to get with a girl via the Friend Zone is setting yourself up for disaster. Aside from online dating, you HAVE to cold approach a girl, even to just get to know her. Unless you are the type of guy women pursue and throw themselves at.

I know that going the friendzone is wrong.

 

But that doesn't actually say anything against asking out girls I've talked to a few times before, that I didn't have to randomly go up to and start talking to.

 

It just seems like I should have better shot with a girl that I'm in a class or campus club or have a mutual friends with before I actually become her friend vs. with somebody I've never met before. But maybe that's why I've had zero luck in this game.

[verhrzn]

Really? I thought you dated guys in your social circle.

 

They are, but I still had to meet them first, and one of us had to talk to the other.

 

 

I know that going the friendzone is wrong.

 

But that doesn't actually say anything against asking out girls I've talked to a few times before, that I didn't have to randomly go up to and start talking to.

 

It just seems like I should have better shot with a girl that I'm in a class or campus club or have a mutual friends with before I actually become her friend vs. with somebody I've never met before. But maybe that's why I've had zero luck in this game.

 

You still have to talk to her first to get acquainted though. A cold approach isn't all that different, except with the girls on campus you know you have at least some common ground (same club, course, whatever.)

[somedude81]

They are, but I still had to meet them first, and one of us had to talk to the other.

 

You still have to talk to her first to get acquainted though. A cold approach isn't all that different, except with the girls on campus you know you have at least some common ground (same club, course, whatever.)

It seems you don't know what a cold approach is.

 

A cold approach is going up to a stranger, thinking of something to say and trying to get that person to give you their number or go out with you.

 

If you are in the same course, club or activity with somebody, you are automatically in warm approach territory because there is common ground between you. Odds are both of you are aware of each other and would feel somewhat more comfortable then talking with a stranger. Most likely you would have already engaged in some small talk before. It basically means your are most likely going to have more than one opportunity to interact with them. If somebody is a mutual friend, they've almost been pre-approved already.

 

None of that happens in a cold approach.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If you are not very handsome or short... there is no warm approach. You just have to impress with guts and moxy.

[counterman]

UPDATE:

I approached a girl sitting on the bench waiting for class today. We spoke about modern history, which was pretty cool. It was great talking to her and all but I just wasn't feeling it. So I bid her a good day and went to class.

 

I'm not advocating cold approaching over any other "method". The reason I am cold approaching is not necessarily to get something i.e. a number or a date, it's to be more comfortable in my own skin in front of women, to get over the fear of approaching girls and to eventually work towards friendship or perhaps a date. Furthermore, I have improved my conversational skills and my social skills. I will say definitely that I would have much more success within my social group, because some girls have shown interest. In saying that, I'm not attracted or interested in them in that way. Cold approaching may be a low-percentage approach when it comes to getting dates but at least I'm trying and meeting girls. I know if I don't do anything, it would be hard (near impossible) for me to meet girls. One thing I've noticed is that I'm not getting frustrated and not taking any rejections personally, which is HUGE for me, it means I can enjoy any conversation as it is without caring whether it leads to something or not. While none of them have actually lead to anything, I've had a conversation with all the girls I've approached.

 

As for why I spoke to the girl who said "why am I talking to you?" You're right, I shouldn't have and in the future, I won't. I guess I just wanted to... talk. I knew nothing was going to come out of it and I knew she probably had her guard up, but in the end, it went okay. But yeah, I'm not going through with it if I hear that line again.

 

As for dating friends, I know plenty of girls who would only date guys they've been friends with. And most of the girls that have been interested in me were my friends, but that happened overtime. It's not as though they liked me then became my friend to get with me. I would never do that if I was interested in a girl, befriend her in the hope to 'make' her like me. I personally don't want to limit myself. If a girl I approach doesn't like being cold approached and asked out, that's fine but I guess I would never know that unless I try, right? The point is, at least I'm doing something and I agree, if you don't try at all, you've already failed.

[irc333]

I agree with you, they're not really worth much. A lot of guys I find try to get the girl's number to get an ego boost but really, it doesn't mean much. It could be a fake, she might ignore you, she may respond and then flake, etc. I usually talk for 15 minutes to half an hour and when I hit a pretty comfortable stage and I feel like I want to talk to her again, I'll ask for her number or set up a hang out or date on the spot. The only time I'll ask for her number early is if I really have to go or she had to go.

Yeah, I was hearing a mixed conversation with women how they've given fake phone #'s to men that asked for it, kind of crappy in my opinion when they do that to a guy, they were even laughing about it, making fun of the men that did such a cold approach.

 

I do give you kudos for doing this though, that's great. I had an experience back in my 20's where there's this indoor mall, during the day...it's very slow....and of course, jewelry store women clerks are always as attractive as they are, are sometimes twiddling their thumbs at the counter. I pretended to be shopping there....and asked her a question about watch bands....then the conversation went from work related questions to getting to know you questions, she stops and says, "Wait a min, did the guys from the store across the way send you over to talk to me?"

 

Very crappy remark on her part, but she thought I was part of a practical joke, which I wasn't I came of my own free will.

 

It's experiences like that where it makes men find it difficult to approach women. And if it's a guy that they aren't attracted to, they sometimes make fun of him for attempting. Though, it does demonstrate confidence, but confidence means nothing to some women, if you're not Mr. GQ hotness. lol

 

I'm not advocating cold approaching over any other "method". The reason I am cold approaching is not necessarily to get something i.e. a number or a date, it's to be more comfortable in my own skin in front of women

 

Yeah, it is theraputic, and you're doing it for yourself for the overall big picture of getting yourself properly socialized.

[Els]

No, because the cold approach is not the only way to get a date or start a relationship with a girls.

 

You are correct. However, the OP has determined that he is not interested in any of the women whom he knows, so he is giving cold approaching a try. Can't say there's anything wrong with that. Certainly beats sitting around feeling sorry for oneself.

[zengirl]

Cold approaches work. But you really do need numbers to back it up. I'm against dating friends normally, that has other issues as well. In fact, there were threads a while back about how women don't like it when their male friends hit on them. So dating within your circle of friends may be what Elswyth and others prefer, but I can tell you there are many women that also do NOT want that. So bottom line, there's no one solution that works. For every woman that tells you do it this way, there's one that will tell you don't do it this way.

 

This is absolutely correct.

 

I think it's worth noting there are approaches between "dating friends" and "cold approaches." To me, a cold approach is totally cold---I've never seen or spoken to the guy before. I don't typically date friends (someone in my circle, sure) either, but I've rarely had cold approaches work on me, except in the context of OLD, which to me isn't like a cold approach---because you each have a profile to define you. It was usually guys who kind of had seen me around/I'd seen around, but didn't actually KNOW me who were most likely to be good prospects. If I knew someone really well and wanted to go out with him, I would've asked him out! And if a guy was a stranger, he could rarely do anything to catch my interest (purely physical interest was never my thing), though it was sometimes a nice ego boost.

 

The thing about cold-approaching is. . . you cannot expect a good % return but that's okay: it's super quick, and the rejection really shouldn't feel at ALL personal because the person doesn't know you and couldn't reject YOU if they wanted to. They can only reject your approach. It certainly can't hurt to cold-approach; in fact, I think it's good for the OP to know they don't work terribly often---less discouraging. They do work sometimes, and it can be fun just to talk to new people, which will make your "warmer" approaches better over time as well! I think the OP has a great project.

[zengirl]

I'm not advocating cold approaching over any other "method". The reason I am cold approaching is not necessarily to get something i.e. a number or a date, it's to be more comfortable in my own skin in front of women, to get over the fear of approaching girls and to eventually work towards friendship or perhaps a date. Furthermore, I have improved my conversational skills and my social skills.

 

This is an awesome goal, OP!

[johan]

This guy has a good attitude. I think men and women would have better interactions in general if they were more comfortable just chatting with each other. People avoid it so much that when it does happen it feels awkward and loaded.

 

It's pretty satisfying when you strike up a conversation with a girl who looks serious and intimidating, and find out she's really nice and interesting. And also when you work up the courage to talk to girl who you would normally think is out of your league, only to find out she's not that great and certainly doesn't belong on any pedestal.

[somedude81]

You are correct. However, the OP has determined that he is not interested in any of the women whom he knows, so he is giving cold approaching a try. Can't say there's anything wrong with that. Certainly beats sitting around feeling sorry for oneself.

At least with sitting around fleeing sorry for myself, I don't actually get told I'm a loser to my face everyday by a variety of different girls.

 

I think it's worth noting there are approaches between "dating friends" and "cold approaches."

I'm still trying to figure out where that is, because it is what I need to focus on.

 

So far I've apparently been getting too close to girls before I asked them out and they already friend-zoned me because I waited too long. Sigh.

 

Too many rules for this game.

[ThaWholigan]

At least with sitting around fleeing sorry for myself, I don't actually get told I'm a loser to my face everyday by a variety of different girls.

 

 

I'm still trying to figure out where that is, because it is what I need to focus on.

 

So far I've apparently been getting too close to girls before I asked them out and they already friend-zoned me because I waited too long. Sigh.

 

Too many rules for this game.

Two things.

 

1) Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself = telling yourself you are a loser. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is much worse than some random girl who doesn't know you calling you a loser.

 

2) Stop thinking about the rules. Sure, there are guidelines, but don't pay too much attention to them, just talk.

[somedude81]

Two things.

 

1) Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself = telling yourself you are a loser. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is much worse than some random girl who doesn't know you calling you a loser.

 

2) Stop thinking about the rules. Sure, there are guidelines, but don't pay too much attention to them, just talk.

Telling myself that I'm a loser is much less harmful to me than having girl tell me that I'm one. That's because of how much stock I put in of women's words.

 

The rules are for dating. Just talking is easy. But actually getting a date, a relationship, sex, that's where it gets impossible. If I didn't want any of those things, then I'd be fine with just talking.

[ThaWholigan]

Telling myself that I'm a loser is much less harmful to me than having girl tell me that I'm one. That's because of how much stock I put in of women's words.

 

The rules are for dating. Just talking is easy. But actually getting a date, a relationship, sex, that's where it gets impossible. If I didn't want any of those things, then I'd be fine with just talking.

You really don't try to help yourself do you? You have an excuse for everything lol.

 

I understand dating is difficult, but you know what you should be programming yourself to do, you know what's required. I swear, you don't even try. I don't wish to insult you, but it's really pitiful.

[somedude81]

You really don't try to help yourself do you? You have an excuse for everything lol.

 

I understand dating is difficult, but you know what you should be programming yourself to do, you know what's required. I swear, you don't even try. I don't wish to insult you, but it's really pitiful.

Try living my life.

[ThaWholigan]

Don't give me that, it's still pitiful. I know people who have been through all manner of hardships of varying degrees and even if they are struggling to overcome them, they still at least try. From the evidence of your posts, you don't do that. Women who have been raped who manage despite their horrifying experience to regain their trust for men. I know guys just like you who were virgins and older than I am, and they ended up finding somebody just through expanding their thoughts and believing they could be better at attracting women. It can all be done.

 

Imagine if I complained about being autistic all the time when I was online. That I am a social retard and struggle with talking to people at times, that I don't think I look good at all. That I have such an acute sense of touch that I find it uncomfortable to wear certain clothes or even be touched on a bad day. That I have a co-morbid condition that makes me so unorganized that I find it difficult just to structure my day accordingly. Or even that I cannot tune out the world around me and find it difficult to concentrate even in a one-on-one conversation at my worst.

 

That I cannot even get a job because nobody will hire me. That almost any work I do, even what I love (music), I have to do for free.

 

I don't complain about that stuff, or I barely talk about it to anyone, even to my family. Because even though I have those problems, I try my best to overcome them. I rise above it all the time and even outdo myself. It's because I believe I can. I am beginning to trust my ability to rise above it. Even in the dark moments.

 

You could easily do the same thing. You are in a pretty good position to do so, despite your psychological problems. But you don't do that. You don't even try to.

 

That's why it's pitiful.