kelly2182 Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 Hello, I am not for sure if this is the right place to post this, but I am in the biggest delima of my life. First off I"m married to a man who's in the military. He and I have been married 3 yrs and have 2 kids together. I love this man more than anything, but it doesn't seem that he loves me equally. He's very secretive w/ his accounts on the computer etc. I try to show him how much I care by leaving him notes on his mirror in the morning in his car showing up at his work all the corny things to keep a relationship alive. He's never sent me flowers, he never gives me gifts during holidays or anything, not even a happy bday. He's been deployed and has been away for 2 mos now. A few weeks ago I couldn't find him at all, I had to call the base police to chase him down! Finally they found him, but would say where all I got was he'll be calling you soon mam. Well a last week while chatting online I met somebody. He's all I think about and I'm so sad to say that my husband right now is furthest from my mind. He and I spoke on the phone tonight for almost 4 hours and I have fallen hard for him. A part of me thinks it's all the sweet talk he's sending my way and making me feel special. I also feel that he's telling me all these sweet I love yous to just get me to give him what he wants.. I don't know anymore! The biggest mistake I made was sending him a picture I would rate as R, and now it's 4am and I"m regretting all I've done! And after speaking w/ him tonight I feel like I"ve completely betrayed my marriage and I feel as if I"m cheating. I feel as if my husband is, but I have no evidence to back it up, just feelings and that doesn't go far. I don't want to do what he's doing, but yet again I crave the attention from another person so badly it's killing me inside. I need some serious advice. Am I bad person? Am I cheating? GOD what is this going to do to my marriage!!!!????????? ~~~~~~~~~~HELP~~~~~~~~ Kelly Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 Am I bad person? I can't say. Am I cheating? Yes. GOD what is this going to do to my marriage!!!!????????? Nothing good, if it continues. Stop contacting internet guy. He just seems so great right now because you're craving attention. If you want to continue your relationship with your husband, talk to him. Tell him you feel unloved/unwanted. Tell him that when you doesn't contact you while he's away, you're hurt and worried. If you can't communicate with each other in a way that gets anything solved, maybe you could suggest marriage counseling. So, 1). Ditch the guy you're chatting with. Stop sending him dirty pictures. 2). Communication is very important in your marriage! If you can't talk to him alone, talk to him with a counselor. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
pitprincess Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 Kelly You love your husband? If you love him then stop talking to the online contact right away. Your husband is serving our country for your freedom as well as ours. Its his job his dedication to what he believes in. My cousin has been gone for a very long time and he has not been able to contact back home like he would like either. But that don't mean your husband does not love you. The online contact knows your husband is gone right now? It sounds like he is romancing or trying to while the husband is gone. this is just my opinion nothing more Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 the need for attention is fine, it's looking for it in the wrong places... You could have easily been talking to a friend about issues and there could have been no intention of cheating. If I was some guy on the other end, and I had respect for myself I'd have respect for you and your husband and I wouldn't try to be sweet talking you but instead just talk to you as a friend. You saying he sweet talks means that is his only intent, to get in your pants. He probably is a manipulator that preys on women in such circumstances, whether you'd want to acknowledge that or not. Is your husband cheating? In my mind he is...secrets are bad. There should be no secrets between husband and wife. Does that mean you should cheat? I don't believe so. I don't believe in that even when that's been done to me, I just walk away. I sort of like it when someone does cheat on me, because it manages to destroy any good memories or love I have ever felt for that person. That's why I'm able to walk away so easily. I don't know how that happened within me but I like it, automatic built-in cheat protection, lol. You're not really a bad person because you acknowledged this with some objection. Is it cheating what you've done? I think so. There's physical and emotional, and to me both are equally as bad. But the emotional is much more forgiveable because the final step in such an act isn't reached...it shows for some integrity. In your case though, to retain your integrity, find absolution to your problems. Talk with your husband and don't stand for any runarounds. A marriage without communication is nothing. If you get an answer that isn't positive to your marriage then end it and live life with the love and attention you need. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 Yes, you're cheating, though you still have a chance to back away before it becomes cheating officially. But your behavior isn't surprising when taking into account the circumstances surrounding your marriage. Your husband is away and you're naturally feeling lonely, without romance. As well, if what you say is true, then perhaps there are communication gaps in your marriage that need to be resolved. My advice is this: don't do anything rash until you get a chance to see more of your husband. Let him do his job and then sort it all out when you get more face time with him. And then decide if you two still have a future together. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 WHAT DUDESOMEWHERE?????? You like it when someone cheats on you? Ok, well, there is a whole new subject that you need to adress. Kelly, If this is the biggest delima in your life, you're not so bad off hun. Although I think you know most of the answers to your question, I tend to look at it a little differently. No, I don't think you're cheating, and yes, I think you need to stop before you do cheat. I don't know what your husband is involved with outside the military, but I've got a lot of friends in Iraq right now and the tales that are getting back to me are ones that you don't want to share with your local pastor or preacher. But this doesn't mean that your husband is doing anything wrong either. And as far as dudesomewhere saying that there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage, well, I don't believe that either. There are things that I don't want to know about my wife and things I don't want my wife to know about me.....and we've been together for 16 years. Stop sending nude pictures out, and if it's attention you crave....we are here for you to talk to .....may not be the kind of conversation to make you feel sexy or get you excited.....but we're here none the less.... Take Care Moose Link to post Share on other sites
sally1530 Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 My ex- Fiance was on the internet flirting with girls , he said he didnt cross and emotional or phyical line with any of these gals, Yeah right! Its cheating and believe me it really hurts the other person, talk to him and give him a chance to change things first before cheating on him. Our wedding is off because of it and we no longer talk, so it killed our marriage and love for each other. The internet cheating./flirting/chatting/porn thing is killing alot of relationships.... dont let it to that for you. You still have time to correct things. Link to post Share on other sites
sally1530 Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 Remember its doesnt matter ... cheating is the intent to cheat and meet other people, it takes away from the emotional and physical energy that you would be giving to your current relationship. Its the intent to cheat that is just as bad as the cheating!!! Your looking for someone else! Period Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelly2182 Posted June 9, 2004 Author Share Posted June 9, 2004 Thanks for all of your honesty I Really appreciate it. As far as marriage counseling we've done it. There's a lot more that's went on w/ our relationship that's lead up to this, b/c I've NEVER gone into chat rooms besides ones w/ other mothers. To being w/ what started it was when I was having our first daughter his ex gf from california called my hospital room b/c she wanted to rehash old times w/ him is what she said. He then proceeded to run up a 3,000 cell phone bill which I wound up having to pay for. After that we went to marriage counseling b/c I was about to leave him for all the bills his was collecting so ignorantly, after all we had a baby to support. Soon after that I found out about this girl Amy online, she had been calling him for a while before I even found out and I found that out on a fluke b/c she called one day when I was home and he answered the phone. I asked who's Tuscaloosa (we're in al) and he goes oh that's amy I was like amy who? He hung up the phone and told me about her, which I"m thankfull for it, but needless to say I was hurt and upset over it. Soon after that he ran up another laundry list of bills, I stood by and helped him pay them. He acts as if his family isn't important to him after I had our first daughter he spent 4 hours w/ us in the hospital and didn't return until 72 hours later and then he waited down stairs for the nurse to bring me down..what the hell is his deal?? I've alway's put US before myself and this is the first time I haven't done it! UGH Well what REALLY got me to feeling now like I could care less if he comes home, i want him home safe, but I don't want to be around him type thing. Is I came home from the gym one night he was on the phone, I came in wrapped my arms around him and said honey I'm back well he pushed me off and Bitched slapped, is the only way to describe it, me FOR THAT. Well we didn't talk for 5 day's, then he leaves for his deployment. Plus the stunt there where he didnt call me, his excuse?? He was at a strip bar w/ these guy's he's stationed with. This is what brought me to where I"m at now. maybe it's lame excuses, but talking to him doesn't work he doesn't talk, all I ask of him is to write me or at least call me they get time for that, but instead of worrying bout his family he's worried about seeing some naked woman. I'm so friggin frustrated I can't stand it. I do agree w/ you all though I"m getting used by this dude only which is no better than what my husbands doing to me. I appreciate yall listening to me I didnt know what else to do, and I feel like dirt bc I'm not that type of person. I don't understand myself at times. I'm definitely going to end it w/ the online guy bc I agree with you all it is cheating I can feel it int he pit of my stomach which is a sickening feeling. Now the question is should I tell him?? Thanks for listening to me complain. Kelly Link to post Share on other sites
sally1530 Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 dont say anything, just break it off and dont go in that direction anymore, communicate with him more and tell him your needs too. Hope everything works out for you. You sound like a nice person , who just made a mistake, but luckily you have the means to correct it now. Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 moose...moose... hehe...not that I enjoy someone cheating on me, it's just that when someone does so, it makes the break very easy for me because I don't lament. Sure I might be pissed off but I don't end up heartbroken. But about the secrets thing. I could see aspects about your past you want to be kept a secret and vice versa...things that happened before you got married but do you want secrets after you are married? Let's say you want to keep A a secret because it happened before you got married...ok that's fine. But let's 5-10 years into a marriage, are you saying you wouldn't mind if secrets developed? I hope not. Am I wrong in that I don't want to keep secrets from my loved one? Really I want to know cuz you know...I'm bored Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelly2182 Posted June 9, 2004 Author Share Posted June 9, 2004 I sent the guy an email after I wrote the last post so it's offically over he's blocked now lets hope he gets the point! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 Dudesomewhere, Now that I can understand!!!! Of course I don't hide anything from my wife, I tried that during the first few years of marriage...keeping things from her doesn' work, I always get caught. I'm sure there are a few things that my wife keeps from me, but it's more than likely things that will either piss me off or hurt me so she's doing so to protect me. I think you're right, we shouldn't hide things from our loved ones. But some things are pretty damaging and maybe there are things that we shouldn't know. You think it would be ok to hold things like that back? Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 pitprincess, please do not assume that just because someone is fighting for our freedom that they are a good person. sometimes the military is just another job, and people's job do not dictate the kind of person they must be. this man sounds like he has some serious issues, many of which I would not personally put up with. my advice is to hold tight to your decision to break contact with mister internet. when your husband gets home have a heart to heart and decide before he goes off again what you want. sounds like you need to make some serious decisions concerning your marriage, but the longer you put it off the worse you're going to feel inside. I'm sorry for your pain, find some girls to talk to! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kelly2182 Posted June 9, 2004 Author Share Posted June 9, 2004 Thanks she's come undone your absolutely correct!! Well I talked to him today at 12 and I told him everything that happened. He wasn't mad all he had to say was it would have been differently if I would have met him face to face. He said in his book that isn't cheating and he's done it before, which I already knew about the AMy girl. But he said he was a little upset about th epicture, but he wasn't omg going to kill me type upset..so maybe I freaked out for nothing can u tell I've always been a good wife until now?? Anyways thanks yall for helping me I so appreciate all your comments!! Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 Sounds like a marriage made in heaven. Link to post Share on other sites
corrinebean Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 From what you said about your husband, Kelly, your relationship doesn't sound very happy at all...and I can certainly understand where you're coming from on the "attention" front..my boyfriend doesn't ever do random nice things for me, and I think in the last 3 years I've gotten flowers twice..once on a birthday and once on Valentine's Day (those are supposed to be "givens" for most gals..right?). When we first got together, I used to leave him sweet notes in his pockets or on his car, but stopped after awhile when all I was getting was a "gee, thanks honey" for it. Some say it's a "guy" thing, and I think that's just a cop-out. It's not a guy thing, and it's not a girl thing...true, some people have been raised differently in their lives regarding relationships, but when your significant other is telling you that they're seriously lacking in attention, especially stupid little things like notes, calls, flowers, etc., then you need to listen, and listen hard. It is the little things that count in relationships. Since I'm not in your shoes, or really don't know more than what you've posted, I can't pass judgment on you or tell you what you should do, only what I think that I would consider doing... First...I would never stand for a man to hit me, not even in the sllightest. You need to realize that he physically touched you in a state of anger, and that's never acceptable...what makes it worse is that you have children...that type of behavior only escalates as the years go by. If he doesn't pay you any attention, and didn't care to be there when you gave birth to HIS child, and didn't bother to call you back after you went through the trouble of contacting the base security (for all he knew, one of your children or even you could have been in a serious accident or something like that), how much attention does he or will he pay to your children? Is it fair to put them through that as well? His entire demeanor just sounds fishy...sneaking around, talking to girls on the internet and phone, running up bills that YOU pay for...what else is he doing that you don't know about? If you have a gut feeling, I would go with it, especially after all of his past behavior. Good luck hon...we all have to go through tough times sometimes, and no matter what anyone else says, or what advice they give you, I know through experience that nothing will change unless you decide that you're ready for it to change. I wish you the best of luck in your future and in your marriage. Stay safe. Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 corrinebean...yeah, it's not a guy or girl thing...it's a romantic thing. Some people are and some people aren't. I used to always assume all women were but I was wrong. I'm a romantic and love doing those things and never get tired of it...it sucks when the female you do it for doesn't take to it. Because I don't want to stop...it is those little things that count. I would never hit a lady either, not in anger , hehe. It's probably because my arms are oversized 2 liter soda bottles. I had a female friend constantly punch me as hard as she could because she knew I wouldn't hit back, hehe. I think it's the best though, if you're a romantic and you can find another romantic...neither of you would ever have to stop the little things you do and both would always get those little things that mean so much to you in return. Or of course, it's also good if 2 nonromantics hook up...nothing beats a cold lifeless relationship either Link to post Share on other sites
echocrush Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 Kelly2182 I am proud of you, you did the right thing. I know how you feel, a lot of us have been there. I was in a similar situation, and let a guy sweep me off my feet. A friend told me then that when you are pacing the cage any piece of meat looks good. Image of me as a proud she tiger comes to mind, watching the world pass by and wondeing if there was something better out there than what I was living then. I saw what she was trying to say very clearly... When you aren't getting what you need inside of the marriage, it's easy to find yourself pacing the cage looking for something on the outside. But it's not a good thing... But you are pacing the cage for a reason... it is not the disease, merely a symptom. What he has done to you isn't right either, and you really need get things worked out. I know about the whole Man aversion to counseling, but it wouldn't hurt for you to go... when he sees the change in you he may change his mind, but at the very least, you can decide what you need to be happy. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
pitprincess Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Originally posted by She's Come Undone pitprincess, please do not assume that just because someone is fighting for our freedom that they are a good person. sometimes the military is just another job, and people's job do not dictate the kind of person they must be. this man sounds like he has some serious issues, many of which I would not personally put up with. This is my post and maybe you should read it again Kelly You love your husband? If you love him then stop talking to the online contact right away. Your husband is serving our country for your freedom as well as ours. Its his job his dedication to what he believes in. My cousin has been gone for a very long time and he has not been able to contact back home like he would like either. But that don't mean your husband does not love you. The online contact knows your husband is gone right now? It sounds like he is romancing or trying to while the husband is gone. this is just my opinion nothing more If there is anything in this post that says he is a good person It did not come from me~ Its always good not to assume someone is saying something that isn't being said Kelly Good luck to you :) Link to post Share on other sites
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