my jealousy is killing "ME"!

[jennifer]

i know that jealousy will ruin and totally destroy a relationship, i am fully aware of my problem, i see myself doing something to snoop on my boyfriend or checkup on him etc. yet as i see myself doing this and i am telling myself to stop this, i keep right on going!

 

i hate this about me. most of the times he don't even know that i do this or do that, but i know and that is what is killing me!

 

i hate that feeling of suspcion and fear and excitement all at the same time. am i sick? is that sick? at times i almost feel disappointed that my suspcions were wrong. i get this let down feeling until something else comes along then i feel a release of tension until i'm disappointed again.

 

help, what is wrong with me? i have been with him for over two years and we live together and get along great but sometimes i feel like i'm trying to sabatage this and i don't know why i would want to cause i love him andi want to be happy and be with him.

 

so what is wrong with me? i think he is better off without me and all the problems i create in his life with "my ways".

[Tony T]

I know I would be better off without someone who went through my things all the time. If I found out, I would certainly leave the relationship.

 

You obviously have an exaggerated sense of curiosity. Since you have no basis for doing the things you do, you are probably not happy with the relationship and dying to find a reason to end it. Or you could be very afraid of a committed relationship and, again, looking for reasons to bring it to an end.

 

What you are doing is not normal, but it is in your power to stop.

 

If you have such incredible desires to snoop in other people's affairs, get into training as a police officer and, after a year or two on patrol, ask to be transfered to the detective division. There you can snoop all day as part of your job and not feel bad or guilty about it...and even get well paid for it.

 

What you are doing now is wrong and destructive to the relationship. Why don't you let your guy go and stay out of relationships until you get help for and cure your obsessive need to snoop into others' private worlds?

[jennifer to tony]

thank you for your response tony, i appreciate the cold hard truth. however i don't snoop in his things, i listen to his voice mail and listen in on his conversations at times. but it's more like this little voice telling me to do this or do that and i have to listen to it, and that is what i hate.

 

i think counseling would be good for my jealousy as it is hurting me more then him, mainly because he don't know that i do these things, i think he suspects but is not sure.

 

but what about staying together while i do counseling? would that be fair to him? he has no clue that i have considered leaving him even, even though it would be cause i don't want to put "us" through this anymore.

i know that jealousy will ruin and totally destroy a relationship, i am fully aware of my problem, i see myself doing something to snoop on my boyfriend or checkup on him etc. yet as i see myself doing this and i am telling myself to stop this, i keep right on going! i hate this about me. most of the times he don't even know that i do this or do that, but i know and that is what is killing me! i hate that feeling of suspcion and fear and excitement all at the same time. am i sick? is that sick? at times i almost feel disappointed that my suspcions were wrong. i get this let down feeling until something else comes along then i feel a release of tension until i'm disappointed again. help, what is wrong with me? i have been with him for over two years and we live together and get along great but sometimes i feel like i'm trying to sabatage this and i don't know why i would want to cause i love him andi want to be happy and be with him. so what is wrong with me? i think he is better off without me and all the problems i create in his life with "my ways".

[Tony T]

If you love him, care for him and really trust him, by all means stay with him while you are in treatment. If you have communicated this problem to him, he may be an important component in helping you recover.

 

I stand corrected on the method of snooping you use. Now, this little voice you have that requests you do this is very troubling to me. Be sure you explain this in vivid detail to a counsellor. I don't think you are paranoid schizophrenic because, if you were, you would have many other symptoms and curiosities other than just voice mail and telephone conversations. But your doctor must make that determination.

 

Frankly, I just think you have an exagerated and unhealthy level of curiosity, perhaps based heavily on your insecurity in the relationship. Either way, you have got some serious work to do if you are not able to handle it on your own. You may have an obsessive disorder that may be chemicall based and require drug therapy or you may just need some strategies you can practice to keep these obsessive thoughts from getting the best of you.

 

If your relationship is long in length and your boyfriend is willing to hang in there with you, I say stay with him and seek his help and support during your treatment. Promise him you will do the best job possible to get through this. Work on any other problems who may feel you have.

 

Admitting having a problem is the most significant step in any healing process and you have done that. So the most difficult part is now behind you.

 

Good luck. My hat's off to you for recognizing this problem on your own and your willingness to take positive measures to correct it.