Trying to do the "right" thing....

[Sidsid]

I could write a Lifetime Movie Event at this point. Let me begin by saying that I have been the faithful wife with the sleeze ball husband screwing anything that walks. After 10 years I left with my daughter and moved on. Two years later I met a man who changed my way of thinking. At first he made me think that perhaps they weren't all worthless. We get close very quickly. My daughter, who was 6 at that time, adored him as much as I did. I met his kids and his friends quickly became my friends. Everybody knew that if they needed to find him, all they had to do was call me because if he wasn't with me I knew right where he was. On a rare occasion he would leave for an afternoon and as I recall maybe half a dozen times during the first year he was gone overnight. The first Christmas and thanksgiving he spent with his son who lived about 6 hours away. After a about 13 months, I lost my job. Being a single parent I was in a panic. He sold his place and moved in with me, paid the bills, bought me a new car, everything in a natural progression. He bought me a ring the following Christmas and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me BUT...(drum roll, this is where the ball drops) he had "some things he need to take care of first" and it would take a couple of months. He wouldn't elude to what "those things" were, but it's not rocket science, there aren't too many things that could keep you from getting married. I started asking questions, finally one of his kids, who are grown, said, oh yeah,you mean you didn't know he is married? If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is. But how could this be when he is almost always home! At first he denied it but couldn't argue the fact once he discovered his kids had told me. This wife was not the mother and they have no children together. They had been married for about 15 years and she lives in another town 2 hours away. He said she was catholic and didn't want divorce and he had assets tied up that he didn't want to lose thru divorce so they never divorced. There were no ill feelings, no big fights, no wrong doings, they just grew apart and he moved. She called about one a week just to touch base or if she needed something (car trouble, water heater went out ect) but there was no "real" relationship, pretty much just friends.

Ok. So now I am technically the OW. Precisely what I swore I would never be. So now I am 2 years into this relationship my daughter is involved and he takes up half of my closet. I have a job and could very easily be independent but at this point breaking up would be like a divorce type situation for my child. I find out my dad has terminal cancer. My MM says in 5 months he will have his assets moved and file for divorce. He also says that he will always be there to help her out because he feels sorry for her and she doesn't really have anyone to depend on, but he loves me and this is where he wants to be. He is not mentioning me to her because he is afraid she will do something to tie up assets. I focus on my family and my dad's health.

5 months goes by he is almost ready to tell her. She calls and says she needs to go to hospital and has nobody to take her but does not need an ambulance. He goes. A week later she finds out she has terminal cancer, they give her 3-6 months. I am watching my dad deteriorate slowly. I imagine this woman that I don't know about to go thru the same thing possibly alone. My dad and I talked about it a lot. In retrospect it is funny to me that he referred to her as "that woman" when in reality, I am THAT WOMAN lol. At any rate, MM is taking her to the dr when she needs to go, she opts for chemotherapy. My dad asks daily about the wife and tells me to not interfere or give the MM a hard time about it, and I don't. He goes when she needs him and then comes home. I watch my dad slowly slip away from me. I get constant updates on her health, they refuse to give her anymore Chemotherapy, she is too weak, surgery is not an option, from now on, they only try to make her comfortable. Last October I lost my dad. My MM was there with me that entire week, taking shifts sitting with dad and tending to him just like the rest of my family. At the funeral he sits with me and the rest of the family, mother would have it no other way. It's been almost a year since the wife was told she was sick. She is suffering horribly I feel so sorry for her. He changed jobs to be closer to help her and he stays there most of the time. He gives me updates daily on what's going on asks what to do to care for her. I went from being his soon to be wife to being his best friend. The wife went from being his friend to being his wife again.

The whole thing is just heart wrenching. He never told her about me but I know she knows. He discussed it with her family and they all agreed that they didn't think he should tell her at this point. My daughter asks for him daily. I do not harbor any resentment for what he is doing, I feel sorry for her and her family, I know what they are going thru. For me, it is a living hell, listening to him talk i can in his voice hurt in watching her suffer, she is, after all, his wife and his friend as well. They may not have lived together in a husband-wife relationship in 6 years, but they maintained a friendship and he has spent much time with her in the past year. I see him torn between his obligation to her and his fear of losing me. Just as I promised my dad, I have not given him any trouble, I have been supportive and listened and helped when I could. I respect that everyone should have some one to care when their life comes to an end and since her kids and family can't or won't be there then I respect him taking that place. The time has come for hospice to take over. She doesn't want to leave her home, so now he will be taking his shift with her family as he did with mine. He will be working in the day and caring for her constantly at night. There is really no "right" thing to do here, but I told him that I love him and that I don't want to see him again until all of this is over. If he loves me he will come home when it's over. I told him that I understand that he needs support but I cannot be his support right now, it is too much for me. She needs him and his full attention and from now until her last breath he needs to focus on her needs and being there for her. He said thank you.

 

Now this is a long post I know, and there are so many things that I left out trying to relive the last 3 1/2 years of my life. I would have Never gotten involved if I had Known he was married. This whole thing is wrong on so many different levels. The heart tends to make you see things in color that are actually black and white. I can ratonalize everything, but when it comes down to it, it is what it is and I am what I am, a mistress to a married man with a dying wife. Telling him I don't want to see him until she passes seems like the right thing to do. That's one of the hardest things i have ever done. I so deeply care for him BUT how could I live with myself for having any part of any distraction during this time. I wouldn't wish what she is going thru on anyone. I don't know if I will be here waiting for him. I know

it sounds cold and selfish but I kills me to listen to him talk about her. He called me once from the emergency room he thought she was dying right then and he was in a total panic. I understand and I would never tell him, but it just broke my heart for him to mourn over her. I think I will always care and I will be his friend but I will never be the same again. In the last year I have watched the man I love go from speaking of her with indifference to seeing tears in his eyes when he speaks of her. He loved her long ago or he wouldn't have married her, he didn't think he loved her anymore or he would not have had 6 year absence, now having spent progressively more time with her this year I think he realized he does love her, I see that in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I might be wrong, I would have the same reactions if I lost a friend, but who really knows. I feel his pain losing someone you care about such a horrible slow death, but watching his emotion over her is more than I can bare. It sparks so many questions. I don't know that we could ever go back to being us, I will always wonder if he lost a friend or a wife, and if she hadn't gotten sick would he have left or rekindled the flame and stayed. Who knows. But I am not sure i would ever be able to have a functional relationship with that in the back of my mind. I don't know what to tell my daughter, who is now 10. Lots of things I just don't know.

[2sunny]

Shame on your Dad for steering you down the wrong path.

 

This man lied to you for a long time - and never intended to tell you his truth.

 

His character isn't trustworthy. Given that BIG chunk of info - the relationship has no substance or basis. You have nothing without honesty.

 

I'm sad and sorry for you. Yes, when I found out - I would have NEVER seen him again until his divorce was FINAL!

 

Proper order is key...he shows evidence that he's not capable of that very basic concept.

 

His lies and pretending - at YOUR expense and heartache - are too big...at least for me they would be - I would never be capable of trusting him again with that kind of character flaw.

 

With loving - there is heartache. I'm sorry he's been so inappropriate with you. I hope you can heal.

[Fitz]

Sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

 

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but realize that it is only natural for him to be experience grief and sadness in face of his dying wife. You should not try to extrapolate or interpret his feelings toward you based on how much or how little he grieves for his wife.

[itsourchoice]

Wow. What a heart wrenching story. I can see why it would be such a difficult thing to live through. One thing I don't understand is why he didn't just tell you in the beginning that he was married and separated, or in the process of a divorce. It seems that it should have come up at some point during the conversation. If you were living together, it should have been a given that he inform you. Curious what your take is on this, OP.

 

A~

[CarrieT]

I do not harbor any resentment for what he is doing

Why not? You were lied to from Day One. You have every right to resent how you were treated.

 

Telling him I don't want to see him until she passes seems like the right thing to do.

I think that is very sensible on your part.

 

I don't know if I will be here waiting for him. I know it sounds cold and selfish but I kills me to listen to him talk about her.

You need to tell him this. It is not cold and selfish considering how he kept you in the dark all those years. You need to protect yourself and your daughter.

 

I think he realized he does love her.

Of course he does. If he didn't, he wouldn't have done what he did and treat you the way he did.

 

I will always wonder if he lost a friend or a wife, and if she hadn't gotten sick would he have left or rekindled the flame and stayed. Who knows. But I am not sure i would ever be able to have a functional relationship with that in the back of my mind.

A "functional" relationship would involve a great deal of trust-building on his part and it doesn't sound like he has taken any steps in that direction on your accord.

 

I don't know what to tell my daughter, who is now 10.

Ten year olds are a lot brighter and more astute than people realize. I would be completely honest with her about what has happened.

 

 

Best of luck to you in this... <<<hugs>>>

[Sidsid]

One thing I don't understand is why he didn't just tell you in the beginning that he was married and separated, or in the process of a divorce. It seems that it should have come up at some point during the conversation. If you were living together, it should have been a given that he inform you. Curious what your take is on this, OP.

 

A~

 

I can't understand that one myself. I asked him over and over that very same question. He said that he was afraid that I would have run if he had told me that. Ya think??? He said he thought it would be quick and simple once he got started and that I wouldn't find out. I keep reminding him that if he had been honest in the first place, I would have waited with no problem and it would have been finished long before she got sick!

 

In fact, if the wife does happen to "die," I would request a death certificate before you marry him. It's not unusual for the type of tale spinner you found to wind up becoming a bigamist when they are backed up against the wall with two women they won't leave.

I know for a fact that she is very sick. At one point I did question that. I have read her medical records. There have been fundraisers in her local area advertised on radio and newspaper. I have talked to the kids. Her facebook page is not private either, there has been lots posted there. I double checked every single thing I ever doubted and some I didn't doubt.

 

Shame on your Dad for steering you down the wrong path.

 

I don't think that Dad was intentionally steering me down the wrong path. He was dying and all he wanted was for me to be happy and MM made me extremely happy. At the same time, he didn't want anyone to go thru what he was going thru alone.

[alexandria35]

SidSid, this sounds like a terrible situation for you to be in and I'm sorry you having to deal with it. Parts of your story are actually very similar to something that happened to a friend of mine years ago. She met a guy and fell in love with him. He wasn't married but he had an exgf who he had been involved with for many years and who he still saw because they had a daughter together. Well the exgf was diagnosed with cancer and my friend's boyfriend became the one that the exgf leaned on. My friend experienced so much jealousy and resentment over it and used to complain bitterly about it to me. Having never been in that situation myself, I had a hard time listening to my friend vent her feelings because I just felt so sad for the exgf. I was a mother and I couldn't imagine the horrible pain of knowing I was dying and leaving behind my child. I thought my friend was being incredibly selfish and shallow to be jealous of this exgf. As if there was anything to envious of the exgf for, she was dying for crying out loud! Eventually the exgf did die and thus began a new situation for my friend that she hated and complained about. The mourning. She had no patience for it because by this point she was entirely fed up with all of it. I'm sorry to say that I was fed up with her. I couldn't believe how self centered she was being and how little empathy she had for anyone else involved. Okay so this is turning into a long story and I'll try to wrap it up. For years after this everytime I thought about this I would feel a little knot of disgust towards my friend and this bothered me because we had been friends since grade school and I hated these negative thoughts I was having about her. Eventually I did soften because I realized she had been in a horrible position. Here she had this guy that she loved and who claimed to love her but she wasn't allowed to have any expectations of him because of "the sitution". She regularly got stood up, had plans cancelled at the last minute, etc because he had to be 100% available to his ex and whenever she needed anytihing he ran to her. Everyone had nothing but compassion for him and the ex, I mean how could you not? considering the situation. My friend had nobody that understood how it felt to be in her position as her feelings and complaints paled in comparison to the bigger picture. I wish I had been more understanding at the time. And then one day it hit me....IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT! I know that sounds weird but really it was his fault. He made the situation what it was. He knew about the cancer diagnosis shortly after he met my friend but before the ex got really sick he continued to foster and build up this romantic relationship with my friend. Talking about marrying her and spending their lives together, etc. He had no business doing that considering that he knew the situation and he should have set aside his romantic escapades long enough to tend to his ex. Instead he selfishly pulled my friend into his life and then expected her to be florence nightingale. She could have walked away too but she was young and in love and just didn't know how to handle it.

 

Okay so I think you are wise to keep a healthy emotional distance between the two of you during this time. Not only up until the wife dies but during the mourning period as well. I don't think it's selfish of you at all, you have a right to protect yourself. As I said about my friends situation, he put you in this position by selfishly deceiving you. Which leads me to another thing-why did he do that? He led you to believe that he was single for over a year and even when someone else told you the truth he tried to deny it. That says something about him. It should be a big warning to you that this guy found it so easy to deceive you for his own selfish reasons. Weren't you embarassed when his grown son to you "oh yeah, you mean you didn't know that he's married" I would have felt like a fool having to hear that from someone besides him.

 

And I hate to ask this but have you ever had any proof that his exwife is terminally ill? I know it probably sounds farfetched to you that he would make up such a story but we know he lies because he lied to you. Maybe the whole time he was with you he had her believing some farfetched story about why he was away from her. As another poster said, the wife suddenly coming down with a terminal illness is a common story around the OW/OM boards.

[Sidsid]

OK, because some MM will stoop to lows you cannot even imagine to keep the OW. As long as you know without a doubt, then you know what you're getting yourself into.

The problem is that I didn't know what I was getting into years ago, now I am trying to figure out what I am getting out of lol!

[wannabdone]

OMG Sid, I am so sorry for you. That is an awful situation.

Prayers.

[spice4life]

The problem is that I didn't know what I was getting into years ago, now I am trying to figure out what I am getting out of lol!

 

You are getting out of a relationship with a man who felt entitled to take liberties because he wanted to "avoid confrontation." I think you dodged a bullet, personally. A person who manipulates others, all due to the fact that they want to avoid conflict, is at risk of cheating again. Conflict avoidance is one of the key personality traits of a cheater. Unless he deals with that issue, then you may end up being in the same place as his wife (referring to the cheating part that is). I wouldn't consider a relationship with him unless he figures out why he avoids conflict.

[KathyM]

It's disgusting when people withhold important information about themselves in order to trick others into a relationship with them. So dishonest. For that reason alone--that he misled you and was not honest with you about his situation, is reason enough to leave him, IMO. Regardless of how he does or does not feel about his wife. Not a guy worth having IMO. If you don't have trust, you have nothing, and he has shown himself to be someone who is capable of manipulating and lieing to someone he loves in order to have personal gain. I'd say that's a major character flaw that should be a dealbreaker.

[EspressoTorte]

I join everyone else in saying he was duplicitous in not mentioning to you he was a married man.

 

I'm disturbed that his kids seemed to be okay with the situation by casually saying "oh, he didn't tell you?"

[wannabdone]

You are getting out of a relationship with a man who felt entitled to take liberties because he wanted to "avoid confrontation." I think you dodged a bullet, personally. A person who manipulates others, all due to the fact that they want to avoid conflict, is at risk of cheating again. Conflict avoidance is one of the key personality traits of a cheater. Unless he deals with that issue, then you may end up being in the same place as his wife (referring to the cheating part that is). I wouldn't consider a relationship with him unless he figures out why he avoids conflict.

 

 

That is a GREAT quote!!! Very PC, us southerners like to call it simply a Coward.

 

But yes, avoiding conflict is a huge trait of cheaters. And being a cowardly man, is simply not a man. Even if he never cheats on her, if he has issues with not stepping up to the plate and handling things, its not a great trait you want in a husband. The bible speaks of these men as being "double minded".

[BrighterWashing]

I'm sorry I just can't sympathize. I get you not knowing he was married. Up to there I feel for you. But finding that out should have been a deal breaker. What a liar! And then the dying wife! How can you rationalize being the mistress when she is dying? To me there's not much lower you could go except I'd she we're pregnant. Wife. Vulnerable. Super vulnerable. Mistress waiting for her to die then take her assets like a vulture. Horrible!

 

I was determined not to judge at the beginning but I feel dirty just reading it.

[whichwayisup]

The problem is that I didn't know what I was getting into years ago, now I am trying to figure out what I am getting out of lol!

 

End it and allow him to be with his wife during this time. If he continues the A and focusses on you, he IS going to regret doing so one day and resent you. You have to back off and leave him be. You take that time to think about if you truly want a future for a man who lied and played a game in you and your kids lives for so long. You need to knock him off the pedistool here and realize he is far from perfect. What he did was so wrong and it's sickening that his grown adult kid had to tell you the truth.

 

I have read her medical records.

 

I have to point this out as it really rubbed me the wrong way. Medical records are private, so how is it that you got to his wife's medical records? Even more so, without her permission.

[standtall]

Sidsid..is he making things right with you? If so, that's all you can ask for..the ball is in his court.

[Sidsid]

Mistress waiting for her to die then take her assets like a vulture. Horrible!

 

I was determined not to judge at the beginning but I feel dirty just reading it.

 

Vulture? Not hardly. I could care less what that woman has or if she has anything at all. If she did I am sure her kids would get it, especially since they haven't been together for so long. I honestly don't know and don't care. I feel sorry for her. Perhaps you should go back and re read the thread? I was looking for assurance I did the right thing by telling him I didn't want him to come back! And for the record, I have stood by that! I haven't so much as talked to him on the phone!

[BrighterWashing]

Sidsid I think waiting to take her husband when she dies counts as her assets actually. In fact you've already done it and you're just waiting for title to pass to you so you don't have to pay for him (ie go through a divorce).

 

I stand by the vulture image. If she were my mother or sister I would see you that way. I don't care how long they've been "apart".

[BrighterWashing]

Alice I don't think she sees this woman as having any rights at all- you know to be be told the truth, have people keep their promises, fidelity etc...

 

One thing that intrigues me about all OW and my WH as the OM: they believe what they're told even though they know the person is a proven liar. WH has *finally* woken up and will now say "so she says about him" instead of making statements about her BH who he doesn't know at all.

[Sidsid]

Alice I don't think she sees this woman as having any rights at all- you know to be be told the truth, have people keep their promises, fidelity etc...

 

One thing that intrigues me about all OW and my WH as the OM: they believe what they're told even though they know the person is a proven liar. WH has *finally* woken up and will now say "so she says about him" instead of making statements about her BH who he doesn't know at all.

 

Since you are asking about compassion on your other thread, let me make sure I am understanding what YOU think should happen. The wife, who is dying, who is bleeding so much she is having transfusions weekly, who has lost all her hair, who looks as tho she has been in a concentration camp, whose kids won't visit, who has no one to help care for her other than this man who hasn't lived with her in years, you think I should knock on her door and march right in and tell her i am not seeing him anymore, but did she know he was playing house with me for the last three years? I honestly don't think she cares what he was doing all those years they led separate lives, but if she does care I do not believe that putting that out there for her to deal with on top of facing her own mortality would not be compassionate, it would be nothing but mean! And if you are so hung up on the BW/BH have the RIGHT to know, then why are you "contemplating" telling the BH of your WH exOW if she doesn't stop trying to contact him? Did he not have the RIGHT to know a year ago regardless of her behavior toward your family after the A? I guess the principal you choose to judge me by doesn't apply to you? I'd say that's like the pot calling the kettle black!

[2sunny]

I just think strongly - that if a man I loved and who pretended to love me - betrayed me with such a deep level by with holding his truth - I cold never, ever trust him again.

 

I would never think again about EVER seeing or speaking to him again - given that level of deceit and selfishness.

[BrighterWashing]

you think I should knock on her door and march right in and tell her i am not seeing him anymore, but did she know he was playing house with me for the last three years? I honestly don't think she cares what he was doing all those years they led separate lives

 

no you have completely misunderstood and thus I will overlook the ensuing insults.

 

Her rights to truth, fidelity and promises kept was long ago violated. You ( not to mention he) should have told her long ago. The fact he didn't is barbaric and why would you want such a man? The fact you didn't at the earliest opportunity is your responsibility.

 

He should not be at her bedside with a woman he still is married to with another waiting in the car park waiting for her die. It's tasteless if nothing else.

 

So if he's going to behave that badly I have to ask what does it say about you that you would condone it? That you would be the woman waiting for her die. That you would want such a man? So you really think so little of yourself that you think you can't do better than a man like that?

 

You have no idea what she cares about or what she knows or why they ended up where they are. He's not exactly a reliable source.

 

I am not suggesting the mistress should make an announcement I'm suggesting the mistress should gwt out of the whole thing either for shame or for pride or perhaps for both!

[Kitsune77]

Sidsid,

you are inlove with a compassionate man, who is looking after a friend in her time of need. do not let insecurity get the best of you. from what you say, he has been seperated from her for years. My exes wife died of a brain tumour (before we got together) and he was planning on leaving her, when he found out she was dying, he nursed her, built a house for her, and in the end he was the one that she entrusted to turn the machine off, which he did. Their romantic relationship had died long ago, but they loved each other as friends.

 

I can honsetly say, that if any man i had loved needed me in that way, no matter how our relationship ened, i would do the same.

 

Just becuse he isnt divorced, doesnt mean that he isnt in love with you. The man needs your love and compassion now. you are not the OW, he has not been with her romantically, but with you. i undesrtand why he hasnt told you he was married, he was not with her, had moved on, it didnt matter to him.

 

Please, dont allow your fears to ruin a wonderful thing. talk to him, suport him, you have a man that has shown by his actions that if you were in such need he would be there.

 

I could write a Lifetime Movie Event at this point. Let me begin by saying that I have been the faithful wife with the sleeze ball husband screwing anything that walks. After 10 years I left with my daughter and moved on. Two years later I met a man who changed my way of thinking. At first he made me think that perhaps they weren't all worthless. We get close very quickly. My daughter, who was 6 at that time, adored him as much as I did. I met his kids and his friends quickly became my friends. Everybody knew that if they needed to find him, all they had to do was call me because if he wasn't with me I knew right where he was. On a rare occasion he would leave for an afternoon and as I recall maybe half a dozen times during the first year he was gone overnight. The first Christmas and thanksgiving he spent with his son who lived about 6 hours away. After a about 13 months, I lost my job. Being a single parent I was in a panic. He sold his place and moved in with me, paid the bills, bought me a new car, everything in a natural progression. He bought me a ring the following Christmas and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me BUT...(drum roll, this is where the ball drops) he had "some things he need to take care of first" and it would take a couple of months. He wouldn't elude to what "those things" were, but it's not rocket science, there aren't too many things that could keep you from getting married. I started asking questions, finally one of his kids, who are grown, said, oh yeah,you mean you didn't know he is married? If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is. But how could this be when he is almost always home! At first he denied it but couldn't argue the fact once he discovered his kids had told me. This wife was not the mother and they have no children together. They had been married for about 15 years and she lives in another town 2 hours away. He said she was catholic and didn't want divorce and he had assets tied up that he didn't want to lose thru divorce so they never divorced. There were no ill feelings, no big fights, no wrong doings, they just grew apart and he moved. She called about one a week just to touch base or if she needed something (car trouble, water heater went out ect) but there was no "real" relationship, pretty much just friends.

Ok. So now I am technically the OW. Precisely what I swore I would never be. So now I am 2 years into this relationship my daughter is involved and he takes up half of my closet. I have a job and could very easily be independent but at this point breaking up would be like a divorce type situation for my child. I find out my dad has terminal cancer. My MM says in 5 months he will have his assets moved and file for divorce. He also says that he will always be there to help her out because he feels sorry for her and she doesn't really have anyone to depend on, but he loves me and this is where he wants to be. He is not mentioning me to her because he is afraid she will do something to tie up assets. I focus on my family and my dad's health.

5 months goes by he is almost ready to tell her. She calls and says she needs to go to hospital and has nobody to take her but does not need an ambulance. He goes. A week later she finds out she has terminal cancer, they give her 3-6 months. I am watching my dad deteriorate slowly. I imagine this woman that I don't know about to go thru the same thing possibly alone. My dad and I talked about it a lot. In retrospect it is funny to me that he referred to her as "that woman" when in reality, I am THAT WOMAN lol. At any rate, MM is taking her to the dr when she needs to go, she opts for chemotherapy. My dad asks daily about the wife and tells me to not interfere or give the MM a hard time about it, and I don't. He goes when she needs him and then comes home. I watch my dad slowly slip away from me. I get constant updates on her health, they refuse to give her anymore Chemotherapy, she is too weak, surgery is not an option, from now on, they only try to make her comfortable. Last October I lost my dad. My MM was there with me that entire week, taking shifts sitting with dad and tending to him just like the rest of my family. At the funeral he sits with me and the rest of the family, mother would have it no other way. It's been almost a year since the wife was told she was sick. She is suffering horribly I feel so sorry for her. He changed jobs to be closer to help her and he stays there most of the time. He gives me updates daily on what's going on asks what to do to care for her. I went from being his soon to be wife to being his best friend. The wife went from being his friend to being his wife again.

The whole thing is just heart wrenching. He never told her about me but I know she knows. He discussed it with her family and they all agreed that they didn't think he should tell her at this point. My daughter asks for him daily. I do not harbor any resentment for what he is doing, I feel sorry for her and her family, I know what they are going thru. For me, it is a living hell, listening to him talk i can in his voice hurt in watching her suffer, she is, after all, his wife and his friend as well. They may not have lived together in a husband-wife relationship in 6 years, but they maintained a friendship and he has spent much time with her in the past year. I see him torn between his obligation to her and his fear of losing me. Just as I promised my dad, I have not given him any trouble, I have been supportive and listened and helped when I could. I respect that everyone should have some one to care when their life comes to an end and since her kids and family can't or won't be there then I respect him taking that place. The time has come for hospice to take over. She doesn't want to leave her home, so now he will be taking his shift with her family as he did with mine. He will be working in the day and caring for her constantly at night. There is really no "right" thing to do here, but I told him that I love him and that I don't want to see him again until all of this is over. If he loves me he will come home when it's over. I told him that I understand that he needs support but I cannot be his support right now, it is too much for me. She needs him and his full attention and from now until her last breath he needs to focus on her needs and being there for her. He said thank you.

 

Now this is a long post I know, and there are so many things that I left out trying to relive the last 3 1/2 years of my life. I would have Never gotten involved if I had Known he was married. This whole thing is wrong on so many different levels. The heart tends to make you see things in color that are actually black and white. I can ratonalize everything, but when it comes down to it, it is what it is and I am what I am, a mistress to a married man with a dying wife. Telling him I don't want to see him until she passes seems like the right thing to do. That's one of the hardest things i have ever done. I so deeply care for him BUT how could I live with myself for having any part of any distraction during this time. I wouldn't wish what she is going thru on anyone. I don't know if I will be here waiting for him. I know it sounds cold and selfish but I kills me to listen to him talk about her. He called me once from the emergency room he thought she was dying right then and he was in a total panic. I understand and I would never tell him, but it just broke my heart for him to mourn over her. I think I will always care and I will be his friend but I will never be the same again. In the last year I have watched the man I love go from speaking of her with indifference to seeing tears in his eyes when he speaks of her. He loved her long ago or he wouldn't have married her, he didn't think he loved her anymore or he would not have had 6 year absence, now having spent progressively more time with her this year I think he realized he does love her, I see that in his eyes and hear it in his voice. I might be wrong, I would have the same reactions if I lost a friend, but who really knows. I feel his pain losing someone you care about such a horrible slow death, but watching his emotion over her is more than I can bare. It sparks so many questions. I don't know that we could ever go back to being us, I will always wonder if he lost a friend or a wife, and if she hadn't gotten sick would he have left or rekindled the flame and stayed. Who knows. But I am not sure i would ever be able to have a functional relationship with that in the back of my mind. I don't know what to tell my daughter, who is now 10. Lots of things I just don't know.