I'm frustrated: why won't he react when I try to engage him physically?

[antebellum]

This guy and I have become friends over the last few months. I am into him and while I've never directly told him this, it's no secret; he has to be very well aware of it. In many ways it seems like he's into me too. We hang out a lot, stay up all night on the weekends, talk over Facebook for hours about nothing, and sometimes do nutty things (like for instance the 3-hour staring contest or like tearing around campus and climbing trees for no reason at midnight, haha). If he's not into me, I don't know why he would do this stuff to the degree he does.

 

However, this is really puzzling and frustrating me: I have done everything but kiss him, but I am the only one making physical advances - aside from semi-rough play-fighting such as wrestling over a nerf gun, which he does without hesitation, although I usually initiate it. But for instance, we were watching a movie and I put my head on his shoulder and he just didn't do anything. He lets me play with his hair, draw on his hands, practically sit on his lap, and doesn't seem to mind at all, but he won't do anything like put his arm around me, he just sits there like a rock. He does hug me goodbye, but seems kind of awkward about it like he isn't sure how to do it. I almost kissed him last time we said goodbye - hugged him and then pulled back a little and we looked at each other, and I couldn't get up the nerve and he wasn't doing anything at all to help, and I said "goddamnit" and he laughed because he knew exactly what was going on and we went our separate ways. Yeah, I'm frustrated both with him and myself...

 

Before you ask: no, he isn't gay; he has stated that he is straight. We are both 19. I don't know how many girlfriends he's had in the past because he gives off a very inexperienced vibe (I've never had a boyfriend, so the inexperienced thing is mutual). He is very, very shy and also a rather strange person (not complaining, I'm pretty strange myself, but just saying) and I kind of get the feeling that maybe he doesn't have the slightest clue what to do with a girl...? But how hard would it be for him to just grab my hand or something? He's got to know I like him...

 

Why do you think he's being so physically reserved? Should I just kiss him sometime and see what happens? Should I risk the awkward factor and tell him straight out that I'm not a mind reader and ask what his feelings are? I am tired of being confused and frustrated.

[Emilia]

I know you are quite young and you don't know this: there are times when you have to give up. You can't force physicality on someone who doesn't want it. Maybe he is shy maybe he is insecure maybe he just doesn't fancy you.

 

You need to find someone who is on the same page as you, forget about this guy

[hotloader]

I know you are quite young and you don't know this: there are times when you have to give up. You can't force physicality on someone who doesn't want it. Maybe he is shy maybe he is insecure maybe he just doesn't fancy you.

 

You need to find someone who is on the same page as you, forget about this guy

 

^This is awful, awful advice and I advise you not to take it. I'd also like to thank you for starting this thread. It's nice to see that true romance is still alive and well. Your post almost brought a little tear to my eye. It was well-written, and it's obvious you were speaking from the heart. This guy is lucky to have found such a kind, thoughtful young woman who's company he seems to greatly enjoy, and you're lucky to have found such a nice young man who's sole intention isn't to get into your pants. From the sounds of it, it appears that you're in the process of building the foundations of an incredibly loving and wonderful relationship. That's rare in this sick, sad, and vile world that we live in.

 

My advice to you is to make the first move, because he's obviously uncomfortable in doing so himself. I sense that he's incredibly into you though. He probably thinks of you as he's falling asleep at night, saying to himself "if only I had it in me to kiss her". He's probably so enamored and smitten with you that he's terrified you'll reject him and that everything will come to a screeching, uncomfortable halt if he dares take that next step. This guy isn't into you....He's in love with you. I've been there, and I can see the writing on the wall with just the little bit you've shared here.

 

Find him right now. Stop what you're doing, close your laptop or shut down your PC, and go to him immediately. I don't care if it's 3am. Beat down his door if you have to. If you let this guy slip away, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. This guy is a keeper, and he's head-over-heels in love with you. Now go get him.

[flitzanu]

^This is awful, awful advice and I advise you not to take it. I'd also like to thank you for starting this thread. It's nice to see that true romance is still alive and well. Your post almost brought a little tear to my eye. It was well-written, and it's obvious you were speaking from the heart. This guy is lucky to have found such a kind, thoughtful young woman who's company he seems to greatly enjoy, and you're lucky to have found such a nice young man who's sole intention isn't to get into your pants. From the sounds of it, it appears that you're in the process of building the foundations of an incredibly loving and wonderful relationship. That's rare in this sick, sad, and vile world that we live in.

 

My advice to you is to make the first move, because he's obviously uncomfortable in doing so himself. I sense that he's incredibly into you though. He probably thinks of you as he's falling asleep at night, saying to himself "if only I had it in me to kiss her". He's probably so enamored and smitten with you that he's terrified you'll reject him and that everything will come to a screeching, uncomfortable halt if he dares take that next step. This guy isn't into you....He's in love with you. I've been there, and I can see the writing on the wall with just the little bit you've shared here.

 

Find him right now. Stop what you're doing, close your laptop or shut down your PC, and go to him immediately. I don't care if it's 3am. Beat down his door if you have to. If you let this guy slip away, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. This guy is a keeper, and he's head-over-heels in love with you. Now go get him.

 

and how exactly do you know this?

 

a hot blooded 19 year old guy can't show a little interest in a girl? seriously?

 

you're making HUGE assumptions about someone's feelings that you don't even know.

 

at BEST, OP, all you can do is TELL him your feelings. just because a dude considers you his best friend doesn't mean he wants to f--k you. i guarantee all of his male friends are asking him why he isn't banging you, and that he should just go for it...and since he's not? he may not want that. he may be just fine with being friends.

 

you need to tread carefully because either way you can lose a friend or gain a boyfriend. be sure you want him as a boyfriend because everything is going to change if that happens.

 

on top of that, you need to be prepared to deal with rejection if he doesn't. if he rejects you, it will surely affect you and your friendship.

[Nightsky]

Its romantic that you two go out and climb trees at midnight. At 19 I was very horny... but I was also very sexually repressed. I hadn't yet flipped that switch. This guy may or may not have so much as kissed a girl before. When I was 19 a naked girl could have fallen into my lap and I wouldn't have known what to do other than ask if I should leave the room so she could be naked alone. Now I'm bold enough to do something like wip out my dick and ask a girl to suck it... He may just be scared. If making the first move is something that doesn't turn you off go ahead and do it. I understand chasing a guy is a huge turn off to most women but if you can get past the ego and make the first move you'll have you're answer... I mean he'll need to start chasing back at some point or you'll be hurt but you could kiss him and see where it goes. Maybe he'll make out with you and then you'll both be happy.

[oldguy]

Its romantic that you two go out and climb trees at midnight. At 19 I was very horny... but I was also very sexually repressed. I hadn't yet flipped that switch. This guy may or may not have so much as kissed a girl before. When I was 19 a naked girl could have fallen into my lap and I wouldn't have known what to do other than ask if I should leave the room so she could be naked alone. Now I'm bold enough to do something like wip out my dick and ask a girl to suck it... He may just be scared. If making the first move is something that doesn't turn you off go ahead and do it. I understand chasing a guy is a huge turn off to most women but if you can get past the ego and make the first move you'll have you're answer... I mean he'll need to start chasing back at some point or you'll be hurt but you could kiss him and see where it goes. Maybe he'll make out with you and then you'll both be happy.

I was agreeing right up to the; "bold enough to do something like wip out my dick", TMI & not so relivent. But funny as hell

 

I thought hotloader's advise was pretty good, get a little more aggressive, maybe keeping it in the spirit of playfulness to maintain a little bit of a comfort level. If he is a healthy 19 yo boy I'm sure he will respond.

[spiderowl]

Sounds like someone I know who has Asperger's Syndrome. He'd probably love a girlfriend but rarely takes the initiative socially. I think he'd wait for the girl to make a move before he did anything, partly through inexperience and partly because he's not good at reading other people's feelings. I don't know whether your friend is like this or not though. His behaviour certainly is strange - it suggests he's either not attracted to you or gay (regardless of what he says).

[oldguy]

Sounds like someone I know who has Asperger's Syndrome. He'd probably love a girlfriend but rarely takes the initiative socially. I think he'd wait for the girl to make a move before he did anything, partly through inexperience and partly because he's not good at reading other people's feelings. I don't know whether your friend is like this or not though. His behaviour certainly is strange - it suggests he's either not attracted to you or gay (regardless of what he says).

 

Agree, at 19 it sounds like he is a bit behind but there are a lot of social reasons for that also. There is nothing wrong with shy, or even a little strange for that matter. I find a little of both to be more appealing if not simply more tolerable than brash & boring & the world sure has it's fill of those

[Emilia]

^This is awful, awful advice and I advise you not to take it. I'd also like to thank you for starting this thread. It's nice to see that true romance is still alive and well. Your post almost brought a little tear to my eye. It was well-written, and it's obvious you were speaking from the heart. This guy is lucky to have found such a kind, thoughtful young woman who's company he seems to greatly enjoy, and you're lucky to have found such a nice young man who's sole intention isn't to get into your pants. From the sounds of it, it appears that you're in the process of building the foundations of an incredibly loving and wonderful relationship. That's rare in this sick, sad, and vile world that we live in.

 

My advice to you is to make the first move, because he's obviously uncomfortable in doing so himself. I sense that he's incredibly into you though. He probably thinks of you as he's falling asleep at night, saying to himself "if only I had it in me to kiss her". He's probably so enamored and smitten with you that he's terrified you'll reject him and that everything will come to a screeching, uncomfortable halt if he dares take that next step. This guy isn't into you....He's in love with you. I've been there, and I can see the writing on the wall with just the little bit you've shared here.

 

Find him right now. Stop what you're doing, close your laptop or shut down your PC, and go to him immediately. I don't care if it's 3am. Beat down his door if you have to. If you let this guy slip away, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. This guy is a keeper, and he's head-over-heels in love with you. Now go get him.

 

She has made several moves already! You should read the original post again rather than romanticise some nonsense in your head.

 

OP, don't waste your time with someone who is so awkward. Find a guy who returns your affections

[oldguy]

She has made several moves already! You should read the original post again rather than romanticise some nonsense in your head.

 

OP, don't waste your time with someone who is so awkward. Find a guy who returns your affections

 

OP, your not wasting your time, your living & learning & enjoying the experience. Relationships require a little more effort than simply searching endlessly for mister or miss perfect. You said you where a little awkward too & the two of you are enjoying each other. Dating should be fun. Yes there are plenty of guys out there who would not only return your affections, but you like this one today so unless at 19 yo your hard pressed to find some guy who wants to jump your bones, (sorry), enjoy this time for as long as it lasts.

[Nightsky]

She has made several moves already! You should read the original post again rather than romanticise some nonsense in your head.

 

OP, don't waste your time with someone who is so awkward. Find a guy who returns your affections

 

I think what you say is valid if she didn't the like the guy anymore, but she does. I mean a guy who never does anything is a reasonable reason to lose that loving feeling... but she really likes him and has fun with him so why would she be wasting her time. She's 19 does she need to be getting plowed?

[ecm]

I literally laughed out loud when I got to your third paragraph because that's exactly what I was thinking. I'm still not convinced that he's not bc it sounds a lot like my relationships with my 'gays' (I am an actress and surrooooooounded by gay men)

 

If he's still hanging out with you after you've put your head on his shoulder and almost sat on his lap and all of that- I'd say that's a positive sign. he obviously cares about you in some capacity. If he didn't, those things would probably turn him off.

 

Are you brave enough to ask him? Or maybe actually get on his lap and see if the thing underneath you "moves" or "changes" at all? (haha)

 

I wouldn't say move on, because it sounds like you have a special bond regardless of whether or not it develops into something more. My advice would be move faster to find out if there are feelings or not. If there are, great. If not, you can continue climbing trees and doing all of the things you have been doing without wondering

 

xo

[SincereOnlineGuy]

But how hard would it be for him to just grab my hand or something?

 

 

How hard would it be {for you to /IF you} grab(bed) his hand and put it on your breast?

 

Just think of all the time and aggravation you would save with such a move.

[flitzanu]

I literally laughed out loud when I got to your third paragraph because that's exactly what I was thinking. I'm still not convinced that he's not bc it sounds a lot like my relationships with my 'gays' (I am an actress and surrooooooounded by gay men)

 

If he's still hanging out with you after you've put your head on his shoulder and almost sat on his lap and all of that- I'd say that's a positive sign. he obviously cares about you in some capacity. If he didn't, those things would probably turn him off.

 

Are you brave enough to ask him? Or maybe actually get on his lap and see if the thing underneath you "moves" or "changes" at all? (haha)

 

I wouldn't say move on, because it sounds like you have a special bond regardless of whether or not it develops into something more. My advice would be move faster to find out if there are feelings or not. If there are, great. If not, you can continue climbing trees and doing all of the things you have been doing without wondering

 

xo

 

yes and no on this. i have girls i'm not sexually interested in do all the same things she's describing, even had random ones molest me in public. guys can "not" react if they're not into someone and still want a platonic friendship.

 

so yeah, i still stand by either he's not into you or still possibly not into women. i'd not accuse him of being gay though, because just because a dude doesn't want to f'k you doesn't make him gay.

 

the last post though, that's an awesome move. grab his hand and put them on your boobs. that will give you an answer.

[antebellum]

Thanks guys - I'm still really on the fence about what to do next. But I do have something else to add: this is possibly meaningless but does it change your opinion of the situation if he teases me all the time? This is kind of quirky, but I cannot abide lip-smacking noises and made the mistake of telling him this one time. Now he will make these noises at me all the time, with great delight, apparently just because he likes to torment me... I put my hand over his mouth sometimes or my finger on his lips when he does this, and he seems not to mind this because he continues to make the noises knowing that I'm going to end up putting my hand over his mouth. He also gets other people to make the noises at me too and finds this very funny. I've just always heard that guys tease girls when they are interested, to get their attention; not sure if that always holds true though.

 

Also, all our friends are always making jokes or implying in some way that we're a "couple," I mean everybody knows (and they approve and want to see us get together officially), and he's never said anything to the effect of "no, we're just friends." We both just kind of laugh and don't say anything, or change the subject, but I don't think either of us has ever denied it.

 

Oh, and we seem to be developing a thing for tickling each other... even in public places... not entirely sure what to make of it all.

[antebellum]

How hard would it be {for you to /IF you} grab(bed) his hand and put it on your breast?

 

Just think of all the time and aggravation you would save with such a move.

 

Whoooooa! LOL! I wish I had the nerve to pull a move like that... but that could get awkward way too easily...

 

Oh just sayin, I double posted (sorry!! Bad forum etiquette, I know) and I have another post with more information about the situation on the page before this one, just thought people might miss it if I didn't mention it.

Edited March 21, 2012 by antebellum

[wild_rose]

I think I know what you're going through.

 

This is all just too familiar to me. I was in the exact same situation as you last year – hang out with this guy all the time, and I mean literally all the time because we lived together. Even the playful "wrestling" or endless teasing about everything, everywhere. After the first few months he was usually the one initiating contact, making me sit on his lap and putting my hand around him and so on. I remember that a looong time ago, when some of our friends mocked us about being a couple, because we passed whole days laying on his bed wathing stuff, he laughed and said something like "when something happens you'll be the first to know." I was so sure there was something that I couldn't understand why the heck wouldn't he make a move. I have this eerie feeling that if we sat down and talked we'd see even more similarities.

 

I don't know how long you've been into this situation. For me, it went on at least for six months and in the end I was so nervous, I didn't even enjoy our time together as much as I did before. When he started giving these long stares at my lips (looking away when he realized what he was doing. Like a cartoon.) I decided I couldn't take it anymore. It didn't go well, and so much happened since then. It doesn't mean the same has to happen to you, of course, but don't rule out the possibility, or it'll hurt a lot in the end.

 

What I'd suggest to you is... go for it. Ask him. Ask him as soon as you can, because I can assure you, if you think you're frustrated now, I want to see you in a couple of months. And if his answer is no, it will be so, so, so much harder for you to let go and move on. I was there (you can read my old thread in the coping forums... I hope you won't need it), and believe me: not pretty. That's why I came to this site in the first place, and I'm still not completely over it, or him (which by the way I still hear and talk to often. Last week he even told me he loved me... as a friend).

 

But if he says yes (and seeing how he acts there is a great possibility that he says yes), well then I've spared you some time! And I'm sure it will be even more amazing than it is now. You know it will. You just have to be brave and do it - whatever he may say, remember you're doing it for the sake of both of you (or even for the sake of you relationship).