LS has made me question everything.

[itsourchoice]

I came to this forum about a week ago, just looking for people who were in a situation similar to mine. In that time I have read a lot of posts from ppl who were involved in extramarital affairs, both OM/OW and BS.

 

I was fine with my situation, and liked things how they were. It is only in the time that I have been reading all of these posts that I am starting to question what I am doing, and whether it is something I should stop doing. I honestly don't know if I can, or should. I just thought it was interesting that my perspective has changed so much in a week, after six months of complete happiness in my relationship, and not questioning anything.

 

I find myself wondering how we can sustain a long distance relationship, especially because he is married. I know I will be viewed as the evil interloper, but I don't view myself that way. I have morals and values, but I just feel that, for me, in this situation I am only a symptom, not the problem.

I love my MM. I didn't realize how attached I was. I thought our relationship was special, now I wonder if it is just a run of the mill affair. I feel sad. I don't really have a question, I guess I am just venting. Looking for some insight maybe if anyone has any.

[MissBee]

I don't believe in coincidences and I also don't really believe that most people get on affair forums if they are completely happy with their situation. Even the dating forums...most people don't simply get on to talk about their awesome date....they usually get on to discuss problems, concerns, anxieties, queries etc.

 

I think many OW/OM get on LS lying to themselves but oblivious to the fact that they are and I think one is lucky if one gets to a point of critically examining one's relationship. If you feel doubt....there is a reason and in an affair...well the reasons are obvious.

 

I have been in your situation, except my AP was not married. It was long distance, I wasn't the one who "initiated" the situation but I later found out the truth, but I was happy and infatuated and loved the attention, and then I was inlove and the list of reasons why I needed to continue persisted, all making me blamneless and putting it all on him (never wondering why I would want a man whom I have to blame for our relationship in the first place). I was bothered by it a bit but had rationalizations up to the neck and allowed myself to sweep critical thinking under the rug for feelings.

 

Question: if you are a symptom...why would you want to be in a relationship in which you're simply the symptom of some man's problem or an escape from his marriage? Who wants to be a symptom? I'd rather be in a man's life because he chose me fully and I choose him and we can be together openly and honestly and our relationship can inspire others.....

 

For my exAP the long distance was perfect for him...and for your MM it is most likely the same. Having a long distance OW makes your life a lot less complicated! He can sustain 2 different lives or lies a lot easier that way. Watch and see....I am almost certain that the ONLY person who will be pushing for more will be you...not him! Long distance helps significantly with compartmentalizing.

 

What is your hope for this relationship? What is the imagined trajectory? Do you want him to leave his wife for you?

 

I say it is good that you are now questioning your situation....as it does beg a lot of questioning and I hope you arrive at some truthful answers

Edited March 11, 2012 by MissBee

[EspressoTorte]

I agree with you, Bee.

 

Reading a lot of the OW posts has shed a huge amount of light on a relationship I had with a man that was separated (the divorce never happened) a few years ago. I started reading and posting here about a month and a half ago; coincidentally he got back in touch with me a few weeks ago after a year and a half of NC.

 

Reading about all of the broken promises, the loneliness, and isolation finally woke me up. One users OP was my situation to a tee, and reading it left me reeling a few days ago. I've since deleted all of his contact info, and blocked him on my IM service. It's crazy how much of the same pattern so many people fall into on both sides of the A/OW issue.

Edited March 11, 2012 by EspressoTorte

[MissBee]

I agree with you, Bee.

 

Reading a lot of the OW posts has shed a huge amount of light on a relationship I had with a man that was separated (the divorce never happened) a few years ago. I started reading and posting here about a month and a half ago; coincidentally he got back in touch with me a few weeks ago after a year and a half of NC.

 

Reading about all of the broken promises, the loneliness, and isolation finally woke me up. One users OP was my situation to a tee, and reading it left me reeling a few days ago. I've since deleted all of his contact info, and blocked him on my IM service. It's crazy how much of the same pattern so many people fall into on both sides of the A/OW issue.

 

Great for you!

 

It's funny how life works out and I think situations we pull into our lives and people sometimes help us to see that which we were blind to before.

 

I came here long after my A as I resonated with women here dealing with issues that affair relationships are only a symptom of. In that time my former AP also resurfaced and I could see his behavior even more plainly. Although I was here and had realized the truth, I still was delusional as far as his love for me was concerned, I believed what he did was wrong but that it was still love....welll....he came back and his behavior proved to me that he was no better than most of MM here....he was not special and our situation was not very special at all but quite the same in terms of someone's self-centeredness and love of self more than another. My outlook on our relationship was altered, even though it had been water under the bridge and not current, which was great, since he did resurface and I got to practice what I learned and preached. I was grateful for not only LS but just being on another forum that allowed me to be a lot wiser about my self, my own needs as well as recognizing shoddy behavior for what it is....a far cry from the romanticizing and rationalizations of before. I think the Universe prepared me for his return by leading me to LS so I could be inundated with the truth and not succumb to him again when he returned...as he truly returned trying to pick up where we left off! And yes he was STILL in a relationship smh.

 

Sometimes you need light to see dark, good to know bad, and just some contrasting opinions and seeing outside of yourself and your situation to become more aware. Which is also why traveling is good! Living in one town, with the same people, doing the same things all your life is a closed world....but once you get outside of that, you change and see stuff so much differently. You may decide you like everything in your old life well enough but often you realize that not everything you thought of as true and unquestionable is such and you are offered a lot more options and choices to create what you want versus accepting what is.

Edited March 11, 2012 by MissBee

[itsourchoice]

MissBee,

 

I honestly don't have any answers. I see your points as valid, but I guess I am just not there yet. I definitely am questioning everything. When I said I was a symptom I simply meant that I wasn't the cause of all the problems but I can clearly see that it probably doesn't sound great to be someone's symptom, or the fallout of a marriage gone sour.

 

I don't know what my trajectory is... I am pretty happy in my relationship at this point, but I am starting to question a lot. I think it is also convenient for me, because I have little kids at home, a full time job, and I don't want to have to take care of a man. I think I just like the good parts and the other parts he can foist on someone else, which makes me question myself. So, a lot of soul searching to do, I suppose.

 

There is no way we could even consider moving one or the other of us for at least two or three years, even if he ever did divorce, so I think that gives me a buffer so that I don't have to commit. I think that having gone through a horrible, ugly marriage and divorce has made me gun shy. Maybe this is all of the commitment I can give or handle right now so I am fine with it...

 

dunno. Lot of thinking to do. We meet again in June. I think maybe I will try to discover what is going on in my head and heart, and during the meet, discuss what should happen, but only after I figure out what I want.

 

Thanks for the input.

[EspressoTorte]

Great for you!

 

It's funny how life works out and I think situations we pull into our lives and people sometimes help us to see that which we were blind to before.

 

I came here long after my A as I resonated with women here dealing with issues that affair relationships are only a symptom of. In that time my former AP also resurfaced and I could see his behavior even more plainly. Although I was here and had realized the truth, I still was delusional as far as his love for me was concerned, I believed what he did was wrong but that it was still love....welll....he came back and his behavior proved to me that he was no better than most of MM here....he was not special and our situation was not very special at all but quite the same in terms of someone's self-centeredness and love of self more than another. My outlook on our relationship was altered, even though it had been water under the bridge. I was grateful for not only LS but just being on another forum that allowed me to be a lot wiser about my self, my own needs as well as recognizing shoddy behavior for what it is....a far cry from the romanticizing and rationalizations of before. I think the Universe prepared me for his return by leading me to LS so I could be inundated with the truth and not succumb to him again when he returned...as he truly returned trying to pick up where we left off! And yes he was STILL in a relationship smh.

 

Sometimes you need light to see dark, good to know bad, and just some contrasting opinions and seeing outside of yourself and your situation to become more aware. Which is also why traveling is good! Living in one town, with the same people, doing the same things all your life is a closed world....but once you get outside of that, you change and see stuff so much differently. You may decide you like everything in your old life well enough but often you realize that not everything you thought of as true and unquestionable is such and you are offered a lot more options and choices to create what you want versus accepting what is.

 

Me cutting him off was just 2 days ago. His behavior became really evident to me when he completely reneged on things he said to me when we first spoke a few weeks ago (his feelings, knowing that we would end up together, etc.). I confronted him on what his game plan was, and he turned tail on me.

 

I've been taking steps in general to eliminate negativity in my life before this, and his being totally out of my life was more important than I realized until this week. Very strange that things can come full circle out of nowhere.

[MissBee]

Yeppp...I have been where you are. Two words: emotionally unavailable.

 

Another two words: commitment phobia

 

That's what it boils down to.

 

I continued the A for similar reasons and excuses of wanting the good aspects, then saying it would never work because neither of us will move our lives and the list went on, it was indeed nice in some ways to have him LD as I didn't have to deal with the realness just the romance.

 

That is what a lot of OW/OM don't realize. They want romance without a relationship. If you do not want a commitment finding some married man who lives far away is the perfect fake relationship where you can have an illusion of a relationship that is in essence not real....it is not going anywhere, you have no trajectory, he does not fit into your real life with your kids and everything else...he is a nice distraction and emotional bandaid 'over there' ....until it gets messy. Unfortunately our feelings do not often stop because of this...and many people think that this loose commitment is less hurtful than if they got a regular relationship...but it is NOT. You end up just as hurt or worse often....just look around. It's called fooling yourself.

 

Point is: if a relationship contains more analysis and excuses than one can fit on one finger.....we have a problem. If you have a relationship without "answers" = problem.

 

Indeed you do need to soul search and I know you are not at the point yet....but I have hope that you will eventually get there. I do not think your wall of denial and delusion is that thick and I do not believe you will be able to continue your relationship feeling content.

Edited March 11, 2012 by MissBee

[spice4life]

I used to say that I was a symptom and not the problem and then I realized it was nothing more than a rationalization to stay in the relationship. It also helped me obsolve myself of any of the guilt that I SHOULD be feeling by inserting myself into someone else's marriage. Spin it how you want, but the truth is, you are not a symptom, you are an enabler. By being a part of his life, you are helping him ignore the truth behind the dysfunction of his marriage. He enabes her and you enable him. Yes, it may work for now, but how is tat going to help him face the truth about his circumstances. You said she is an alchoholic right? He shouldn't be "avoiding" the problem; he should be confronting it head on with tough love...if he truly loves and cares about her, that is.

 

A good question to ask yourself is, do you want to be party to a situation where a man is siting idlely by while his wife is slowly killing herself with her addiction to alchohol? He needs a kick in the a** to get his had out of the sand, more than anything else. And if they have kids...it's even worse! What kind of message is he sending them?

[itsourchoice]

I have been thinking of that also. Yes, wife is alcoholic. But, to be fair, he has tried to intervene. I can think of at least twice that occurred long before now, when we were just friends.

 

I don't know what I want, or how I am feeling right now. I don't think I want anything different at this point, but I suppose somewhere down deep I am questioning myself or I wouldn't be here.

 

I guess I will just forge ahead and see how it goes.

[whichwayisup]

I came to this forum about a week ago, just looking for people who were in a situation similar to mine. In that time I have read a lot of posts from ppl who were involved in extramarital affairs, both OM/OW and BS.

 

I was fine with my situation, and liked things how they were. It is only in the time that I have been reading all of these posts that I am starting to question what I am doing, and whether it is something I should stop doing. I honestly don't know if I can, or should. I just thought it was interesting that my perspective has changed so much in a week, after six months of complete happiness in my relationship, and not questioning anything.

 

I find myself wondering how we can sustain a long distance relationship, especially because he is married. I know I will be viewed as the evil interloper, but I don't view myself that way. I have morals and values, but I just feel that, for me, in this situation I am only a symptom, not the problem.

I love my MM. I didn't realize how attached I was. I thought our relationship was special, now I wonder if it is just a run of the mill affair. I feel sad. I don't really have a question, I guess I am just venting. Looking for some insight maybe if anyone has any.

 

Day to day I'm sure you can function and survive this affair long distance. Enjoying the time and moments you two see eachother or talk to one another either by phone or webcam etc.. The bigger picture? My guess is no, you'll want more from him. Want to spend holidays together, wake up together, share a life with him.. But the fact he is married and STILL living is "life" with his wife is proof in itself that he is very much married and his actions (not words) show you that he has no desire to end his marriage, divorce and start over to be with you.

 

The choice is yours. Maybe you're far from your 'enough is enough' stage. Maybe you need to feel pain and heartache and have to live through what some OW have gone through, suffer a bit before realizing that as much as you love him and he may love you - It's not enough and it'll do more harm to YOU if you stay in the affair.

 

6 months isn't that long. You can end it if you really want to. I'll hurt, it'll be hard but you will survive and go on with your life with the help of good friends, family and LS.

 

Only you will know when the time is to walk away.

[whichwayisup]

I have been thinking of that also. Yes, wife is alcoholic. But, to be fair, he has tried to intervene. I can think of at least twice that occurred long before now, when we were just friends.

 

I don't know what I want, or how I am feeling right now. I don't think I want anything different at this point, but I suppose somewhere down deep I am questioning myself or I wouldn't be here.

 

I guess I will just forge ahead and see how it goes.

 

He may be addicted to their dynamic as much as he's addicted to the affair dynamic. Things get bad due to her drinking, he feels obligated and rightfully so he just can't up and leave her from drinking..He IS obligated to get her help, continue being a father to their kids. it can't be ALL bad there all the time. Otherwise the kids would be staying with other relatives half the time.

 

You have no control over him or his marriage. IF it ends ,it'll be because he chooses it to end not because of you. hope this makes sense.

 

I'm glad LS has made you stop and think. You deserve the best and this guy, no matter how much you love him, is UNABLE to give you his absolute best because he has a wife, a family already. THEY are his first priority, especially his kids.

[FightClub]

itsourchoice,

 

You have some great advice and suggestions in this thread and I wanted to add in some of my own experience in a long-distance EA that began innocently as pen-pals playing an online game. I had a lot of the same feelings, I didn't know about 'emotional affairs' or that our long style of communication was wrong until it was nearing the end and we ended up sleeping with each other after a year long-distance, EA.

 

It wasn't until it ended shortly after that, that I started to question my role, my purpose, my exMW's role/purpose and everything in between. It has been over a year since it ended and with the clarity I have now, I can break it down in a feel simple lines;

 

-I was in a vulnerable state in that time of my life, exMW was vulnerable and wanted very much to imagine a different life without actually having to live it day in, day out. Unfortunately, I couldn't see that, I thought our connecting was the sign that this was the right thing because of all the 'problems' in her marriage. ( Saw this in hindsight )

 

-We never had a traditional relationship, we connected, felt close and the PA was very intense, very wild and deep. Without substance, all these things are useless because it was fantasy.

 

-Right or wrong in anyone's book, it doesn't matter, I let my moral stance drop and was an accomplice to hurting a betrayed spouse and child ( step-child for her ), that is something I quite frankly can't take back but have done the hard work of redeeming myself and knowing these types of relationships are toxic

 

-exMW avoided conflict like the plague, I didn't see that until after and I enabled her to stay in the marriage instead of gracefully walking away before it became a serious, emotional affair that became physical.

 

-I respect myself more, I don't take less than I deserve anymore and I would never put someone in that kind of danger in the future, I felt different levels of pain in the end and had to heal the damages on my own end piece by piece and I am now in a better place.

 

Those are just a few of the things I can tell you, do yourself a favor, really look deep within yourself and understand the 'why', why are you with MM? Is this healthy for me ( you )? Is this what I really want out of my life and do I deserve more?

 

Continue learning, absorbing and communicating here, everyone negative or positive has a perspective that can help you.

 

Trust me, everyone here helped me find the clues to the bigger challenges that were and are still ahead of me.

 

Take care,

 

-FC

Edited March 12, 2012 by FightClub

[itsourchoice]

@lady Grey,

 

While I can sort of see your point, I think it's a little unfair to try and judge how MM has tried, or not tried to help his wife. I will tell you that I would not stay with an alcoholic, but that's just me. If MM feels that he is doing all he can to help her, and is miserable, has gone outside the marriage and I just happen to be the one that he connected with, it really has nothing to do with me. I know that you think differently, I do not. I also know for a fact that he has done all that he can to help her. She refuses help, refuses to stop and doesn't care who hates it. He has involved her family, his family, and nothing has done anything to help. She is unavailable to him and his main focus is their child. I probably have commitment issues, because at this juncture I don't have any aspirations for our A to be anything more than what it is now.

 

So, I guess that's where I am. However, I appreciate your post and will consider your words. Thank you.

 

@Fight Club,

 

I appreciated your post also. It was interesting to hear the things that you have learned. I will read it again and see if I an apply it to myself. Thanks.

[EspressoTorte]

He may be addicted to their dynamic as much as he's addicted to the affair dynamic. Things get bad due to her drinking, he feels obligated and rightfully so he just can't up and leave her from drinking..He IS obligated to get her help, continue being a father to their kids. it can't be ALL bad there all the time. Otherwise the kids would be staying with other relatives half the time.

 

Please sit and think about this point. People can be addicted to drama as well.

[nofool4u]

I find myself wondering how we can sustain a long distance relationship, especially because he is married. I know I will be viewed as the evil interloper, but I don't view myself that way. I have morals and values

 

If you don't want to see yourself as the interloper, hey, whatever works for you.

 

As far as the bolded part, everyone has morals and values. I'm sure Charles Manson did too, he just had a different idea of morals and values.

[flutterbykiss]

It wasn't until it ended shortly after that, that I started to question my role, my purpose, my exMW's role/purpose and everything in between. It has been over a year since it ended and with the clarity I have now, I can break it down in a feel simple lines;

 

-I was in a vulnerable state in that time of my life, exMW was vulnerable and wanted very much to imagine a different life without actually having to live it day in, day out. Unfortunately, I couldn't see that, I thought our connecting was the sign that this was the right thing because of all the 'problems' in her marriage. ( Saw this in hindsight )

 

Thanks for your honesty, FC. This rings so true with my situation and is consistent with what I've heard so many other fOW/fOM say on this forum. It's a nasty thing to face up to and come to terms with, though. Kudos to those who are strong enough to own it and share it with others.

 

SourChioce,

Good for you, for being big enough to give your affair some serious evaluation. Like many others, I noticed your use of the term 'symptom' and while I understand why you would use that term I don't think it totally applies and I also think that's a unworthy way to think of yourself.

 

I watched a TV series a while back where the main character had married someone whose family had not approved of her and had wanted their son to marry someone else (named Francie) so they called their unwanted daughter-in-law by the name 'not-Francie' instead of her own name. To me that was like the ultimate insult - to not be known by any quality of her own but only defined by what she was not - and it strikes me that that's a lot like being a 'symptom' of a bad marriage and I think that's selling yourself short.

 

IMO, most affairs are 'escapist' - for the MM - and I think that's very unfair to treat another human (the OW) being as a convenient step-out-of-reality. Especially when it often IS the reality of the OWs life that the MM is playing in like it's an amusement park.

 

Furthermore, the longer that the OW/OM allows the amusement park to be open, the longer the MM can avoid the realities that need fixing in their own life. I'd even go so far as to say that spending time in an unrealistic fantasy-world makes the MM less inclined to pick up the burden of day-to-day life and pushes them farther toward non-constructive behavior. So I'd like to suggest that, as bad as things are in their M, the A is really only going to make it even worse. Just something to think about.

[PenelopeTheFaithful]

I thought our relationship was special, now I wonder if it is just a run of the mill affair. I feel sad.

 

This is really sad. Allowing others to spoil something precious is heartbreaking.

 

Like the child who wants a scooter so badly, but his hardworking single mother can't afford a new one so buys him one from the second-hand shop for his birthday. He is thrilled with it, spends all day enjoying it and takes it to school the next day to show the other kids. They sneer and make fun of him, because it's last year's model, and not as fancy as theirs, and by the end of the day he looks at his scooter and doesn't feel the same joy and thrill he felt before the nasty kids dissed it. When he gets home he doesn't rush out to play with it, but instead puts it away in a cupboard and feels heavy in his heart.

[donnamaybe]

This is really sad. Allowing others to spoil something precious is heartbreaking.

 

Like the child who wants a scooter so badly, but his hardworking single mother can't afford a new one so buys him one from the second-hand shop for his birthday. He is thrilled with it, spends all day enjoying it and takes it to school the next day to show the other kids. They sneer and make fun of him, because it's last year's model, and not as fancy as theirs, and by the end of the day he looks at his scooter and doesn't feel the same joy and thrill he felt before the nasty kids dissed it. When he gets home he doesn't rush out to play with it, but instead puts it away in a cupboard and feels heavy in his heart.

 

Who are the "others" in the OP's case, and what did they spoil?

[mercy]

This is really sad. Allowing others to spoil something precious is heartbreaking.

 

Like the child who wants a scooter so badly, but his hardworking single mother can't afford a new one so buys him one from the second-hand shop for his birthday. He is thrilled with it, spends all day enjoying it and takes it to school the next day to show the other kids. They sneer and make fun of him, because it's last year's model, and not as fancy as theirs, and by the end of the day he looks at his scooter and doesn't feel the same joy and thrill he felt before the nasty kids dissed it. When he gets home he doesn't rush out to play with it, but instead puts it away in a cupboard and feels heavy in his heart.

 

So, the OW is the scooter? Sorry, the analogy just doesn't work. The 'boy' cannot show his new 'scooter' off to all his friends.

 

But he may have to put her in the cupboard when 'some' find out about the, ahem, new scooter.

[PenelopeTheFaithful]

So, the OW is the scooter? Sorry, the analogy just doesn't work.

 

No. The OP is the boy. Her relationship is the scooter. Those on LS who have made the OP think her relationship is not as great as she thought, are the kids in the playground who dissed the scooter.

 

It works perfectly if you think about it right.

[mercy]

No. The OP is the boy. Her relationship is the scooter. Those on LS who have made the OP think her relationship is not as great as she thought, are the kids in the playground who dissed the scooter.

 

It works perfectly if you think about it right.

 

So the OP is proud of her new relationship and wants to show it off...not gonna happen. Because that 'scooter' needs to remain a secret.

[flutterbykiss]

So, the OW is the scooter? Sorry, the analogy just doesn't work. The 'boy' cannot show his new 'scooter' off to all his friends.

 

But he may have to put her in the cupboard when 'some' find out about the, ahem, new scooter.

 

You know it's sad but MM did once ask me to hide in the cupboard while his wife popped in (at his work). For the record, I told him 'no-way' and left. I actually laugh now at how stupid I was back then.

 

@Penelope. I'd hate to think that your analogy infers that the OP can't do any better than a second hand, beat-up relationship (like the child couldn't afford a new scooter). I prefer to think of her as deserving and capable of having the best, newest and nicest except that she shopped in a dodgy establishment and the SOB running things only handed over a cheap copy while she invested enough for the real thing. I'll be d**ned if I'm going to tell her she got a good deal. It wouldn't be doing her any favors.

[MissBee]

This is really sad. Allowing others to spoil something precious is heartbreaking.

 

Like the child who wants a scooter so badly, but his hardworking single mother can't afford a new one so buys him one from the second-hand shop for his birthday. He is thrilled with it, spends all day enjoying it and takes it to school the next day to show the other kids. They sneer and make fun of him, because it's last year's model, and not as fancy as theirs, and by the end of the day he looks at his scooter and doesn't feel the same joy and thrill he felt before the nasty kids dissed it. When he gets home he doesn't rush out to play with it, but instead puts it away in a cupboard and feels heavy in his heart.

 

Umm....Penelope...what precious thing are people destroying?

 

I'm sorry but your analogy of a mom working hard to HONESTLY by her child whom she loves a scooter and kids making fun of it....has absolutely nothing to do with a married man lying and cheating with a long distance OW....the 2 are completely unrelated and it's insulting that you would take such a noble and loving scenario and try to stick itsourchoices affair on top of it like it is some great and "precious" thing and one and the same.

 

Perhaps if you said the single mom shoplifted a scooter and was on the news and the kids made fun of her child for it...perhaps then it would somehow resemble the dynamics of an A.....

 

Or maybe if you said the OW is the scooter to the MM, maybe it would make more sense. Or the BS is the "old scooter" and he finds an OW who is new and shiny so puts his old scooter (the BS) in the cupboard and stops working on his marriage and feels heavy in his heart. That is in fact a brilliant analogy for that scenario...thank you for that.

Edited March 13, 2012 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

This is really sad. Allowing others to spoil something precious is heartbreaking.

 

Like the child who wants a scooter so badly, but his hardworking single mother can't afford a new one so buys him one from the second-hand shop for his birthday. He is thrilled with it, spends all day enjoying it and takes it to school the next day to show the other kids. They sneer and make fun of him, because it's last year's model, and not as fancy as theirs, and by the end of the day he looks at his scooter and doesn't feel the same joy and thrill he felt before the nasty kids dissed it. When he gets home he doesn't rush out to play with it, but instead puts it away in a cupboard and feels heavy in his heart.

 

Wow, all I can say is, one day you're going to look back at this and your current frame of mind and realize how truly 'off' your way of thinking is. So unrealistic and so fantasy-like. You can't see it now because this is your life and your way of thinking.

 

Reality will smack you in the face one day and then you'll wake up.

[MissBee]

You know it's sad but MM did once ask me to hide in the cupboard while his wife popped in (at his work). For the record, I told him 'no-way' and left. I actually laugh now at how stupid I was back then.

@Penelope. I'd hate to think that your analogy infers that the OP can't do any better than a second hand, beat-up relationship (like the child couldn't afford a new scooter). I prefer to think of her as deserving and capable of having the best, newest and nicest except that she shopped in a dodgy establishment and the SOB running things only handed over a cheap copy while she invested enough for the real thing. I'll be d**ned if I'm going to tell her she got a good deal. It wouldn't be doing her any favors.

 

!!!!!!

 

Indeed.

 

It's so ludicrous to me...but perhaps it seems too obvious now and back in the A I wouldn't have seen so clearly....but how is a second-hand relationship i.e. a LD affair precious???

 

I will never understand how someone can genuinely believe that this is THE ULTIMATE! Do moms wish this for their precious daughters when they hold them in their arms for the first time or when they go on their first date? I know dads imagine giving away their daughters to honorable men who will love and cherish them....not sext them on the sly from another state while their wives are sleeping!

 

I'm sorry....I will NEVER call an affair "precious" or advocate for a woman to embrace and love it as the best thing since. It is twisted and sad to me that those who advocate for a woman or man to ask of more and desire more are bitter or hateful.....what??? On what planet? Crabs in a barrel come to mind. I am glad though that only a few people try to paint As out as holy love gifts and encourage OW who clearly are perturbed to stay true to a lie.

 

This is not only about As but I have two friends, one of whom I have mentioned several times on here, who are in bad relationships. There is nothing admirable about their men or situation. NO ONE would look on it and wish it for themselves....and I do believe if your love is so precious and true....then it should be a light for ALL. However, if your love is that special until it is complicated, secret or no one but you and people in your situation can "understand" and see it's beauty....then really??? Both of my friends turned into acquaintances, as their ridiculous relationship took a toll on ALL their friendships. Everyone tried to tell them the truth....my other friends had great relationships to be admired...but instead of seeing that people cared and it was effed up...these 2 defended their crazy relationship and pushed everyone away and they only talk to each other...why? Because both are crabs in a barrel. Both have bad relationships that they want to be in and do not want anyone else critiquing them. Their close bond is built around their messed up relationships that only THEY understand and the advice they give each other is selfish....it boils down to "I don't want to change and if you start to change I may have to as well...or I won't have company in my misery, so as long as I am in this you will be too and I will encourage you to hold on to this for dear life. We can do this!" Smh.....it is all very toxic but both of them are convinced that they are misunderstood, faithful lovers fighting against haters.

Edited March 13, 2012 by MissBee