LS has made me question everything.

[donnamaybe]

No. The OP is the boy. Her relationship is the scooter. Those on LS who have made the OP think her relationship is not as great as she thought, are the kids in the playground who dissed the scooter.

 

It works perfectly if you think about it right.

 

It works "perfectly" if one puts in the time and effort required to pretzel their mind around enough to be able to rationalize it that severely.

[jthorne]

Nevermind.

Edited March 13, 2012 by jthorne

[Ms. Red]

while you see no harm in having his emotional affair' date=' he is diverting attention from his child to you and that could potentially cause injury or death to his child. [/quote']

 

Dramatic much?

[bentnotbroken]

No. The OP is the boy. Her relationship is the scooter. Those on LS who have made the OP think her relationship is not as great as she thought, are the kids in the playground who dissed the scooter.

 

It works perfectly if you think about it right.

 

 

If it were that great no one can make you think otherwise. Who does she need to convince herself of a group folks on the playground?

[Ms. Red]

She's not a toddler that needs constant attention. Some kids want to do their own thing at night and she's prolly one of them.

[bentnotbroken]

She's not a toddler that needs constant attention. Some kids want to do their own thing at night and she's prolly one of them.

 

 

That usually requires someone else to clean up the mess while the toddler waddles on off into the next mess.

[frozensprouts]

She's not a toddler that needs constant attention. Some kids want to do their own thing at night and she's prolly one of them.

 

 

I feel sorry for this kid.

According to the OP, her married man spends hours each night on the phone with her while his wife is passed out drunk right around six each night. This means that, for all intents and purposes, neither is available to parent her.

 

Who helps her with her homework each night? Who does she talk to about problems at school, with friends, life in general? Who goes to the door of her room each night to say "goodnight"? Who enforces curfew if she's out in the evening?

 

Really, she effectively has no one, as both are too tied up in their own cr@p to give her the time and attention she needs each night. ( and, based upon what the OP says, this is not new, it's been going on for a while. The only thing that is new is that they are now having a physical instead of just emotional affair). How old is the daughter anyway?

 

And what about when he goes away to spend days with the OP ? Who is with his daughter then? He feels safe leaving her with her drunk of a mother who passes out each night?

 

Neither sounds like a very good parent to me....both sound like they are extremely self entitled at the expense of their daughter.

 

( and I don't care what his "needs" are. If you have a child who is effectively being neglected by your spouse because she passes out drunk every night, then you don't add your own neglect of your child into the mix. You put your own needs on hold while you fix the situation. You don't make it worse)

[PhoenixRise]

This is really sad. Allowing others to spoil something precious is heartbreaking.

 

Like the child who wants a scooter so badly, but his hardworking single mother can't afford a new one so buys him one from the second-hand shop for his birthday. He is thrilled with it, spends all day enjoying it and takes it to school the next day to show the other kids. They sneer and make fun of him, because it's last year's model, and not as fancy as theirs, and by the end of the day he looks at his scooter and doesn't feel the same joy and thrill he felt before the nasty kids dissed it. When he gets home he doesn't rush out to play with it, but instead puts it away in a cupboard and feels heavy in his heart.

 

Interesting perspective from a wife who initially came to LS to get insight regarding her husbands obsessive other woman. Remarkable change in posting style too.

[donnamaybe]

What has really become sad about this thread is that a woman came on here and shared her thoughts about just now beginning to question the words of a known deceiver, and others chime in with snide comments. It smacks of a few former and present AP whose MP didn't or won't leave their spouse for them hoping to keep someone else stuck in the same dead end situation they themselves were or currently are in.

 

Shame on you!

[Spark1111]

I feel sorry for this kid.

According to the OP, her married man spends hours each night on the phone with her while his wife is passed out drunk right around six each night. This means that, for all intents and purposes, neither is available to parent her.

 

Who helps her with her homework each night? Who does she talk to about problems at school, with friends, life in general? Who goes to the door of her room each night to say "goodnight"? Who enforces curfew if she's out in the evening?

 

Really, she effectively has no one, as both are too tied up in their own cr@p to give her the time and attention she needs each night. ( and, based upon what the OP says, this is not new, it's been going on for a while. The only thing that is new is that they are now having a physical instead of just emotional affair). How old is the daughter anyway?

 

And what about when he goes away to spend days with the OP ? Who is with his daughter then? He feels safe leaving her with her drunk of a mother who passes out each night?

 

Neither sounds like a very good parent to me....both sound like they are extremely self entitled at the expense of their daughter.

 

( and I don't care what his "needs" are. If you have a child who is effectively being neglected by your spouse because she passes out drunk every night, then you don't add your own neglect of your child into the mix. You put your own needs on hold while you fix the situation. You don't make it worse)

 

IF, what he says is TRUE, than I too, feel very sorry for this child who needs the best time and attention her sober parent can provide.

 

IF, true, it can be a sad and lonely place to be married to someone lost in an addiction that changes their personality. I understand the need for temporary escape.

 

Interesting to note that it takes two to fuel and keep the addiction alive. Many learn in support how they have enabled the addict, or just avoided conflict by doing nothing about the situation.

 

It can grow easy to garner pity and sympathy from others. The victim role can become a familiar suit of armor and a brief respite from the pain.

 

Unfortunately, nothing changes for either spouse, and some like that just fine as it is familiar.

 

Surprising to note: Many relationships end when the addict finally gets sober and strong long-term.

 

The enabling, rescuing spouse no longer feels as important and can no longer hide behind the victim role. Reformed addicts are prepared for this very real possibility.

[frozensprouts]

If this story is true, it makes my blood boil. Why......because if the mother really is as bad of an alcoholic that is being claimed, she is warping that kid every day.......and so is the father by allowing the child to witness said mother slobbering and blubbering and passing out at 6 every night. Actually I view the father as being more at fault because the wife has an illness (alcoholism) and dad is not protecting the child from it, by getting her away from it. I'm sure others will disagree but neither one of the parents should have this child. Parents should protect their children from witnessing and living with such ugliness.

 

i think this poor little girl is probably leading a very lonely life right now.

 

even if she is a bit more grown up ( i have no idea how old she actually is), she still needs her mom and dad to be there for her, but right now, no one is. From what the OP says, her mom is too busy getting drunk and passing out, and her dad is too busy talking on the phone with the OP, etc. to spend any real time with her.

 

that breaks my heart...

[2sunny]

I agree - the child most likely isn't getting time and/or attention she needs.

[nofool4u]

What has really become sad about this thread is that a woman came on here and shared her thoughts about just now beginning to question the words of a known deceiver, and others chime in with snide comments. It smacks of a few former and present AP whose MP didn't or won't leave their spouse for them hoping to keep someone else stuck in the same dead end situation they themselves were or currently are in.

 

Shame on you!

 

I like ya DM, but I can't agree with this. And the reason is, it would be one thing if she came here and told a story of how a MM deceived her, and even lied about his marital status.

 

She knew he was married. And she said herself, "I just feel that, for me, in this situation I am only a symptom, not the problem. "

 

In other words she doesn't feel that women like her are a problem. Sure, the MM is the most to blame, but that doesn't give the OW a free pass. They are responsible for what is going on too.

 

So basically she is trying to paint herself as a victim when the only victim is the wife.

 

Now if she didn't know he was married, then I can see the point.

 

Its the tired old argument, "I'm not the one that said vows to his wife, therefore I have no responsibility in all of this".

 

I used the analogy in another thread that would be the same as me taking money from a bank robber, that its ok because I'm not the one that robbed the bank.

[donnamaybe]

I like ya DM, but I can't agree with this. And the reason is, it would be one thing if she came here and told a story of how a MM deceived her, and even lied about his marital status.

 

She knew he was married. And she said herself, "I just feel that, for me, in this situation I am only a symptom, not the problem. "

 

In other words she doesn't feel that women like her are a problem. Sure, the MM is the most to blame, but that doesn't give the OW a free pass. They are responsible for what is going on too.

 

So basically she is trying to paint herself as a victim when the only victim is the wife.

 

Now if she didn't know he was married, then I can see the point.

 

Its the tired old argument, "I'm not the one that said vows to his wife, therefore I have no responsibility in all of this".

 

I used the analogy in another thread that would be the same as me taking money from a bank robber, that its ok because I'm not the one that robbed the bank.

My post wasn't touching on that aspect at all. It was about other posters coming on here and blaming folks in this thread for putting ideas into the OP's head which caused her to question the veracity of the things told to her by her AP. The ridiculous analogy of the scooter, and then another poster coming on and claiming "drama" when there is concern raised about the child of this dysfunctional couple wherein the wife is passed out drunk by 6 p.m. and the WS supposedly is on the phone for hours.

[nofool4u]

Ah, ok. Wasn't real clear. I was hoping you weren't putting up for someone that entered an affair knowingly with a MM. Much less rekindling this affair from another time.

[donnamaybe]

Ah, ok. Wasn't real clear. I was hoping you weren't putting up for someone that entered an affair knowingly with a MM. Much less rekindling this affair from another time.

I agree with your above post.

[MissBee]

I feel sorry for this kid.

According to the OP, her married man spends hours each night on the phone with her while his wife is passed out drunk right around six each night. This means that, for all intents and purposes, neither is available to parent her.

 

Who helps her with her homework each night? Who does she talk to about problems at school, with friends, life in general? Who goes to the door of her room each night to say "goodnight"? Who enforces curfew if she's out in the evening?

 

Really, she effectively has no one, as both are too tied up in their own cr@p to give her the time and attention she needs each night. ( and, based upon what the OP says, this is not new, it's been going on for a while. The only thing that is new is that they are now having a physical instead of just emotional affair). How old is the daughter anyway?

 

And what about when he goes away to spend days with the OP ? Who is with his daughter then? He feels safe leaving her with her drunk of a mother who passes out each night?

 

Neither sounds like a very good parent to me....both sound like they are extremely self entitled at the expense of their daughter.

 

( and I don't care what his "needs" are. If you have a child who is effectively being neglected by your spouse because she passes out drunk every night, then you don't add your own neglect of your child into the mix. You put your own needs on hold while you fix the situation. You don't make it worse)

 

Precisely....

 

This isn't even the typical scenario where at least one parent is around and there and sober and normal while the other is in an A. But one parent is an alcoholic and passed out while the other is finding an escape in an affair. I'm sorry....but kids pick up energies...we ALL do. And I am sure that child feels it and it is not some roses and sunshine feeling.

[2sunny]

At least IF you weren't corresponding with this MM every night for hours - the child MAY have some chance that one parent might pay attentions to her/his needs.

 

 

The way it is now - Dad is just as "checked out" as Mom when she's drunk.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm confused. Why is everyone jumping on the MM about his child based on hearsay? Didn't the OP say that she has SIX children and that they are all very young?

[donnamaybe]

I'm confused. Why is everyone jumping on the MM about his child based on hearsay? Didn't the OP say that she has SIX children and that they are all very young?

 

Doesn't seem feasible, does it? A drunk passed out mom and a dad glued to the phone all night doing the parenting in one home, and another home with six kids whose single parent is at work during the day and on the phone for hours every night.

[Ms. Red]

I'm confused. Why is everyone jumping on the MM about his child based on hearsay? Didn't the OP say that she has SIX children and that they are all very young?

 

Yeah no $hit. The info is after from a MM. Aren't they all scum and everything that comes out of their mouth is a lie?

 

Now all of the sudden what he says is true and all the worst case scenarios that one can drum up are used to discredit him as a parent.

 

I stand by my statement of drama!

[frozensprouts]

the whole situation is really bizarre...

 

i guess i never thought about the OP being a single mom with six kids spending hours talking on the phone every night to this married man, as well as occasional trips away from home to spend time with him the spending hours on the phone each night seems to have been going on for a long time, even when her kids were younger)

 

how does she find time for it? it would seem she must be much better at multitasking than i could ever be.

[2sunny]

She said for six months she has allowed him to completely distract her... It's still pretty new...it's not like it's yet been 6 years!

 

And she IS here questioning herself - and the way she participates (yes, she DOES have control over THAT part).

 

Just the fact that she's still here looking to change things is good for her.

 

She may not have anyone else for a good voice of reason - lets stay on task and try to help her, eh?

 

She's obviously hurting - or questioning herself about her moral compass at this juncture - support to help her find what may work for her is useful...

 

Hope you are looking within OP - the answer is there... You've known it all along - stay strong.

[NoIDidn't]

Yeah no $hit. The info is after from a MM. Aren't they all scum and everything that comes out of their mouth is a lie?

 

Now all of the sudden what he says is true and all the worst case scenarios that one can drum up are used to discredit him as a parent.

 

I stand by my statement of drama!

 

 

I just don't see the point of arguing over second hand info and would rather deal with the OP is sure about - that she is questioning everything. Maybe she is questioning the facts of his home situation since she is long distance and has no way of verifying them. But I bet she is questioning whether this "relationship" is really meeting her needs or if she is using this distraction to ignore some other things in her life that she probably should be tending to.

 

Affairs are great distractions that keep us from looking at our real feelings.

[Eighty8]

I find myself wondering how we can sustain a long distance relationship, especially because he is married.

 

It's been the hardest, most painful thing I have ever gone through. 7 years I have loved this man. His wife was finally served his Petition for Divorce this past Wednesday.