Boyfriend on a summer trip without me?

[minnie2]

I've been in a serious relationship with a guy for 2 years now, and we're both in our early 20s. We are a great match, understand and love each other, we know each other's families. We have been on trips together, and without each other (he with his friends and I with mine) and everything was just fine. None of us had any problems with that. But some time ago I was informed that he would go on a summer trip with a friend of his. Here is why I have troubles.

 

1) That friend is a guy who picks up prostitutes when he's on vacations

2) My bf doesn't think that's disgusting and his comment (when he told me about it) was 'What's wrong with that? He's having fun'.

3) The last time my bf was on a summer trip like that, he had sex with some girl he just met there. We didn't know each other at that time.

4) My bf ADORES flirting. Even when we're together, he likes touching other girls, and once I got really pissed because he completely ignored me to another girl, he acted really horrible. That was last summer.

5) He has actually cheated some girls before, but those were some 'relationships' that lasted for a few days and weren't serious at all.

 

 

However, he has never actually cheated on me (not to my knowledge) and most of his friends actually know me, he's not hiding me in any way. I really have no reason to think that he cheated on me.

And despite the fact that I actually am somewhat jealous, I have never shown that, forbid him to go to some places where I knew he could cheat easily or something like that. But this is simply too much for me to handle.

I don't think it would be OK if I forbade him to go. We never do that to each other. But I don't think that there is a person who could resist all temptations, neither me nor him. Everyone can slap in some situations.

 

I'm really sad, I keep picturing them picking up some girls in bars. It seems that I must decide between breaking up and not saying anything at all (and pretending to be OK) and I don't like it.

 

Any help would be appreciated.

 

P.S. I forgot to mention, I have NEVER cheated on him.

[Diamonds&Rust]

I understand not wanting to come off as jealous or controlling, but it's a pretty big deal that you're not able to talk about your feelings at all.

 

Regardless of what we tell you here, not being able to talk to him about your feelings is a strange impasse. Do you really feel like your only choice is to ignore your feelings or simply break up with him?

 

How would you explain the reason why you're breaking up with him if you made that choice? It seems like he deserves at the very least the opportunity to understand where you're coming from.

[jnj express]

His flirting, and ignoring you at a party---should have been a major boundary issue---why was it NOT

 

You let him slide---am I right

 

IMHO---you need to sit him down, and talk about your concerns---let him know you arn't happy with who he is going on this trip with---and if he prefers the trip and his buddy, and the prostitutes to you---then tell him fine, but you are dropping the relationship as of right now.

 

You have to be harsh, to MAKE him see your point, and then its up to him----his buddy and the prostitutes, or you-----do not let him back you down, or manipulate you

 

Do not argue with him, if he gets mad---walk away, and tell him fine, you are done with him------he needs to know you are serious!!!!!

[Nancy B]

You need to talk about all your concerns with him.

 

I'm sure it will make things a lot clearer.

 

I'm not sure why you don't feel like you can voice your concerns. It is only fair, for both of you. Good luck.

[rickys]

You must talk to him on this matter. In future, it can become the reason for his cheating on you. You know the truth, so better to be in safe side..........

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well minnie2, just reading your post here leads me to believe this guy very likely has douchebag written all over his forehead.

 

This guy seems like one of those "I'm to cool for school" douche guys that walk around strutting their stuff, talking about their dirty past to their girlfriends because they think it makes them appear cool and desirable.

 

Walking around flirting with the ladies even though anyone with half-a-brain (sorry) sees through his bullcrap and he uses the famous hit and miss strategy where he walks up to every single girl until one is drunk enough to give him the time of day.

 

He uses the infamous stories and twists around facts like, yeah I cheated...but I'd never cheat on you toots! you know these, were like non-serious things ya know, like ya we were just having fun...like the relationship lasted two hours so on hour three when I was with that other hour It didn't really count you see because that **** was like over for an hour already.

 

These guys are a dime-a-dozen, sure they might be sweet, cool, friendly around you and your friends and family but behind the scenes these are the typical douchebags out every other weekend at the club with their boys when their single.

 

Look...that all may or may not be true, but that's the picture I'm painting of this guy in my head..why?

 

Because any half-brained guy knows that if your "friends" get into trouble, then you're going to get into trouble! that's how it works!

 

Who do you think is going to be sitting right next to mr pays for hookers and getting some head? yeah, your oh so faithful boyfriend who's cheated on others girls but would never cheat on you but he kisses you and looks you in the eye and tells you he loves you and would never do that...yeah that guy.

 

And that flirtation? take it about 3 levels higher, not only is he using his wanna-be-pick-up-artist skills on the ladies now, now he's being aggressive and taking them back to the hotel.

 

I've seen this a million times, hell I've even seen guys do it with the girlfriends in another room in the same hotel because their "with the boys".

 

You know what "the boys" do? they keep their mouth shut because it's none of their business, the good guys turn into with their girlfriends and stay away from that mess If they had to be apart of it in the first place because they're not into that, and you hang around those wanna-be-player types then you know what's going to go down...whores and boos.

5) He has actually cheated some girls before, but those were some 'relationships' that lasted for a few days and weren't serious at all.

 

I'm sure they were in outer space in another galaxy too! I mean really, what won't women believe?

 

You cheated then you cheated, knew it was wrong and did it anyway.

 

And that's the same mentality that gets guys in trouble, they screw up once! then they just figure it's all downhill from here so they keep doing it, or they never even planned on being faithful in the first place, they just butter you up with sweet nothings...nothings because they mean exactly that....nothing.

 

This is what you should see when you posted those 5 questions..

 

1) Hmm it's a vacation isn't it? oh whats your boyfriend going to do, part ways and go back to the hotel, cuddle up to an hbo movie and call it a night?

2) 'What's wrong with that? He's having fun'....yeaaah, what's wrong with having a little fun, plus what you don't (or better yet what she doesn't find out) won't hurt ya!

3) The last time my bf was on a summer trip like that, he had sex with some girl he just met there. We didn't know each other at that time.

 

Hmm another trip/vacation, another summer/spring (big difference huh?) and is willing to sleep with a girl he just met...granted he was single at the time, but what's mr flirtatious going to do when he gets a few adios mf's in his belly? party time?

 

4) My bf ADORES flirting. Even when we're together, he likes touching other girls, and once I got really pissed because he completely ignored me to another girl, he acted really horrible. That was last summer.

 

Hmm the idiot is so smooth he has the nerve to do it WHILE in front of you, touching other girls...this guy would neeeeeeever do any worse while on a vacation...nope, can't see it or imagine it.

 

5) He has actually cheated some girls before, but those were some 'relationships' that lasted for a few days and weren't serious at all.

 

A guy would never even tell this to another guy because another guy would laugh in his face and almost die from it, because that's something only a woman can believe.

 

Look...the other huge factor here is that you feel like you can't trust him, and If you can't trust him then there's a pretty good reason for that...and for me I really learned to trust a womans intuition, they are like pregnancy tests...98.99% accurate except for a few misfires here and there.

 

He's a young guy, I'm sure he cares for you and all that, but from a guys perspective I would expect him to cheat without thinking twice about it, and that's probably because he needs to "soil his wild oats", I don't blame him for wanting to do that...however I know he's dragging a few guaranteed lays called girlfriends along the way while he does these dirty deeds.

 

Until he stops flirting with other women, focusing on his own business/goals, and stops hanging around "friends" who are going to get him into serious trouble the I wouldn't trust this guy worth a damn, It's just a matter of time.

 

You'll notice that guys who are more serious and committed in their relationships wouldn't associate themselves closely with friends who party and go wild out, because we all know the peer pressure and what's going to go down as men.

Edited March 13, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[minnie2]

Thanks a lot for answers! Wow, you really opened my eyes.

Regardless of what we tell you here, not being able to talk to him about your feelings is a strange impasse. Do you really feel like your only choice is to ignore your feelings or simply break up with him?

This is my problem as a person, it's not easy for me to 'open my soul' completely to someone, not even best friends, etc.

But I will definitely talk to him, I realize that it's stupid just to ignore it. But I want to think carefully about what I'm going to say - I don't want to sound like a jealous, insecure bitch.

As for the question why I ignored flirting etc-I really don't know. Probably because that was more than a year into our relationship, and I never made a jealous scene before. I am generally more of a drama queen than him (he's calm and relaxed most of the time), but that is more about everyday stuff and I was never bitching about his female friends.

And he's actually got more female than male friends, especially at college. Now I may be getting paranoid, but it's also starting to bother me...

Ninjainpajamas, I really appreciate a man's point of view. I don't want to be a fool. But the thing is, I never got suspicious because he is considered by his friends to be a faithful guy, almost like he's married, and he's almost getting teased for that. But I am afraid this friend (the one with the prostitutes) is bad influence. Btw he's known him for ages, since they were 10 or so... So that's partly why they're still friends. Btw, my boyfriend doesn't go partying often,and I've got his FB password so he's kinda open.

 

Who do you think is going to be sitting right next to mr pays for hookers and getting some head? yeah, your oh so faithful boyfriend who's cheated on others girls but would never cheat on you but he kisses you and looks you in the eye and tells you he loves you and would never do that...yeah that guy.

Hmm it's a vacation isn't it? oh whats your boyfriend going to do, part ways and go back to the hotel, cuddle up to an hbo movie and call it a night?

I think that this made me realize that I'm NOT OK with him going. You couldn't be more straight-to-the point, I appreciate that.

 

I haven't had a serious relationship before him, so basically I'm learning how to deal with these issues just now... How do I go about telling him what I think about the trip? I don't think that should sound like an ultimatum, but still, I don't want to sound too relaxed so that he can casually just say 'no need to worry.'

 

I'm pissed for even having to deal with this. I wouldn't if this guy wasn't my love, my charming and intelligent boyfriend, who's even planning our future anniversaries, visits to my/his relatives etc.

Edited March 13, 2012 by minnie2

[Ninjainpajamas]

Good to hear you have some reassuring things about him, like having his passwords, and at least his friends aren't calling him out like a player and teasing him as acting married. The most important thing is you never get suspicious because a woman's intuition is pretty accurate.

 

Although you have to realize you are looking at it from the girlfriends perspective, this means you're trying to be positive and never incriminate your boyfriend that he could do any bad. So try and take a look at things balanced wise, imagine how you would look at the situation without your emotions involved, nine of ten women want to believe their man is a saint and rather ignore the red flags than admit they even exist.

 

The fact that he flirts with women for example, that's a pretty big one...I'm not really sure how you wrap your mind around that one. Being calm and relaxed may be his demeanor around you and how he deals with drama, but you don't really know how a man acts when he's out with his friends, for example even as a man I'm surprised how guys act when I first figured them to be the shy, quiet type. However now that I'm older It's normal to see a man completely change in a separate environment or show his true colors.

 

Oh and remember, most guys who are charming...are usually pretty good at flirtation, If you think about it, it comes from the same mentality. Subtle compliments or "cute" gestures, making you feel like you're the only person in the room, that sort of thing. Remember that his qualities can serve dual purpose.

 

However you sound like you trust him, and that's worth a lot in a relationship and maybe he's never given you reason not to trust him since the last incident, so let's say we're going to focus on that just for now.

 

The best way to keep a man from cheating is to make him feel guilty about it for even thinking of trying it, oh and also building a strong bond of trust. That "damn, If I do this I'm going to feel really bad about it, my conscience will screw with me and it's just not worth it even though I'm tempted because this girl is all over me and ready to go"...instead of a what the hell she'll never find out anyway, I'm way out here with my sleazy friend who I don't even pretend for the sake of my girlfriend that he's sleazy for doing it, which means I may consider it too!, maybe only while single, maybe not.

 

So the best way to achieve that is really express your concerns and how you feel about the relationship and him, and how you trust him enough that he'd never do that to you because you are trusting him with your heart and that he truly loves you, and how heartbroken you'd be If he were to do so and how you'd never feel the same way for him after that and It would break the trust forever with you.

 

And then he needs to reassure you, and hopefully mean it. As far as promises and future plans, as a man that's not really compelling as a grand gesture for me, what's important to me from a mans point of view is really how far he is willing to commit, that's the hard part "getting serious".

 

Although If the relationship is solid I'm sure you can trust him and you guys are still young, just always kind of have that general rule with men though, don't let them easily gain your trust because they can sweep the rug from underneath you at any time. Trust is gained by people following through with what they said they were going to do. And their character is what they do when they think no one else is looking or there's no consequences, but also how do they handle themselves around other people and women, are they respectful, are they considerate and compassionate?

 

Making an ultimatum will definitely stroke him the wrong way and he may feel tested, however If you can get him to offer not going If it would make you happy would be a grand gesture that he's takes your relationship more serious than a vacation get away with a guy who's less than trustworthy imo. Talk to him about it and see how he handles it, If he tries to compromise or cancel it, that's a huge plus...If he tries to tell you that you're controlling and just being a jealous bitch, telling him what he cannot or can't do, the that's reason for concern.

 

Maybe you can find a middle ground, or he can call you often while on this trip...that's what relationships are about, compromise, respect and communication. You Ideally want to be able talk about everything and anything, that's how you build trust and a bond, being open and able to share deep vulnerabilities. It's not just like dating for fun and a boyfriend.

[Leigh 87]

Ninja is nice enough to take the time to give various posters long, well thought out advice, so for that you should be very thankfull:)

 

 

I am not as nice haha, but I will say that my boyfriend has been on holiday without me.

 

In fact, he went to the part of AUstralia, where we live, that has the HOTTEST girls int he world, some fo them any ways!

 

... He went out clubbing, but ended up calling ME, saying that he did not feel right talking to gorgeous people, and that for some reason, he only felt okay talking to ugly girls lol...

 

It was cute. He felt guilty for even talking to attractive people - he was thinking about my feelings that much.

 

The nights he had out, he called me normally, telling me it was not the same without me.

 

 

 

If you are very close, he will miss u... however, some guys do miss the single life, and especially for young men, it is a BIG DEAL to committ to only having sex with the one person, for years and years.

 

 

Does he normally call u the nights your apart? if not, it will be hard to tell what is going on.

 

When my boyfriend was away on a cruiz, we were having issues in ouw lives, and things were not ideal between us fur to outside circumstancees that stressed the relationship.

 

I could not contact him, as there is no reception on cruizes. I was worried sick.

 

 

 

turns out:

 

- him and his mate on the cruize, be friended and hung out with the two most hot women on the entire cruize.

 

- his mate hooked up with one.

 

- the other chick was far more attractive than I am, and yet my boyfriend was loyal. Yes I kno for sure, his friend assured me and others.

 

 

 

 

 

The point?: my boyfriend loves gorgeous women! Loves them. He had the cruiz, and spent it with a petite, gorgeous girl, his ideal type, and yet he did nothing. Because he loved me.

 

A guy with integrity, that is worth your time, would not cheat; he would inform u BEFORE he cheated, and call it off first.

 

 

If he cheats, leave. He is weak. It is fine if he is young and not ready to be monogomus for years to come, however, if he has good strength of character, he will CALL IT OFF with u, first.

 

 

 

Tell us what happens. My boyfriend has never cheated on his holidays, even though he was around far more beautiful woment than me.

[minnie2]

Leigh, we text each other quite a lot, and we don't call each other (except when it's necessary) because both of us don't like talking on the phone. Well, I'm not quite sure I would find out what actually happened on a trip (like you did for your boyfriend). My impression is that boys will always cover up for each other (um, not sure if I said it right in English, but let's just say that I doubt that any of his friends would inform me if he cheated on me). And there's no way I could ever find out. Plus, as I said, I'm really worried because now I can easily recall him flirting when we were on our trips together. I doubt that it will get better when he's on a summer trip, with this friend.

 

Ninja, I'll really have to tell him that I'm not OK with that trip. Hopefully he'll understand my reasoning (I'm going to prepare a speech), since I have never asked him not to do anything.

Gosh, I wish things were not this complicated.

One thing that I'm afraid is that it would cause a chain reaction, e.g. of him deciding not to go, but not wanting me to do some stuff just to make it even. But that's just my worst-case-scenario. (You could say that I'm a bit pessimistic by nature).

 

One more thing that may be important - I was never a flirting type. I'm much better looking than him (not bragging, general opinion) but without that flirting gene:cool: . I'm a simple girl with no need to get attention that way. But as a reaction to his flirting, I would also flirt a bit, just for him to be a biiit jealous. I thought of it as an alternative to 'go and act as an insecure, jealous bitch'. However, that doesn't seem to cure his flirting.

[nofool4u]

I've been in a serious relationship with a guy for 2 years now, and we're both in our early 20s. We are a great match, understand and love each other, we know each other's families. We have been on trips together, and without each other (he with his friends and I with mine) and everything was just fine. None of us had any problems with that. But some time ago I was informed that he would go on a summer trip with a friend of his. Here is why I have troubles.

 

1) That friend is a guy who picks up prostitutes when he's on vacations

2) My bf doesn't think that's disgusting and his comment (when he told me about it) was 'What's wrong with that? He's having fun'.

3) The last time my bf was on a summer trip like that, he had sex with some girl he just met there. We didn't know each other at that time.

4) My bf ADORES flirting. Even when we're together, he likes touching other girls, and once I got really pissed because he completely ignored me to another girl, he acted really horrible. That was last summer.

5) He has actually cheated some girls before, but those were some 'relationships' that lasted for a few days and weren't serious at all.

 

All of that points to trouble.

 

 

However, he has never actually cheated on me (not to my knowledge) and most of his friends actually know me, he's not hiding me in any way. I really have no reason to think that he cheated on me.

 

Well looks like he has poor boundaries, and is about to be away from you where you will probably never find out unless something happens and his friend rats him out.

 

 

And despite the fact that I actually am somewhat jealous, I have never shown that, forbid him to go to some places where I knew he could cheat easily or something like that. But this is simply too much for me to handle.

 

 

Here is the thing. He IS a cheater. He DOES look for hookups when on trips. You know this. Why are you with a cheater? Yes, I know you don't think he has cheated on you, but he is still a cheater about to be out of sight, out of mind of you.

 

 

I'm really sad, I keep picturing them picking up some girls in bars. It seems that I must decide between breaking up and not saying anything at all (and pretending to be OK) and I don't like it.

 

Any help would be appreciated.

 

P.S. I forgot to mention, I have NEVER cheated on him.

 

You have a decision to make. Personally, especially if you are the jealous type, then being with someone who is known to cheat, and pick up girls on trips, he isn't the man for you IMO.

 

He must be real good looking is all I can think of.

[pteromom]

You either trust him or you don't.

 

The vacation has nothing to do with it.

 

If he is a trustworthy guy, he should be able to go on a vacation and enjoy himself, and you will KNOW he isn't gonna do anything stupid.

 

If he isn't a trustworthy guy, no amount of caging him in and "preventing" him from doing something is gonna stop him from cheating.

 

It doesn't matter what his friend does. It doesn't matter what his moral opinion of hookers is. What matters is YOU DON'T TRUST HIM.

 

And from what you've said, you have good reason not to trust him.

 

Let him go. Not just on the vacation, but out of the relationship. He can go have his fun, and you can find someone you trust.

[Black Jack]

Make it clear to him that he's no longer your boyfriend since he likes to touch other women's asses while chatting it up with them.

[Leigh 87]

Well, my boyfrends best friend cheats on his girlfriend.

 

She is a model. ANd, at least at first, my b.fs best mate and this model had a BLAST together.

 

.. And yet, he still cheated on her.

 

 

My boyfriend said that it is the connection u have with you partner, that is more important.

 

 

 

Your boyfriend may not be like his friend, in ALL respects. MY boyfriend does not cheat, just because his best friend does...

 

 

My boyfriend IS the type of guy who likes to look at hot girls... He is in his mid 20's, and LOVES hot chicks -

 

Even being the sort of guy who " loves" to hook up with hot chicks at any given chance, he is not single now, and some men can exercise self control.

 

 

Just because my b oyfriends friend was on the cruize hooking up with a model, it does NOT mean my boyfriend has to follow suit.

 

 

Just ask him straight out.

 

 

If this relationship has any hope, u NEED to be able to talk to him about these feelings.

 

Just say " look. I hate to come accross as i nsecure or jealous, but I feel like u have cheated on me. If you have, I deserve to know. Please just be honest".

[missyme04]

You either trust him or you don't.

 

The vacation has nothing to do with it.

 

If he is a trustworthy guy, he should be able to go on a vacation and enjoy himself, and you will KNOW he isn't gonna do anything stupid.

 

If he isn't a trustworthy guy, no amount of caging him in and "preventing" him from doing something is gonna stop him from cheating.

 

It doesn't matter what his friend does. It doesn't matter what his moral opinion of hookers is. What matters is YOU DON'T TRUST HIM.

 

And from what you've said, you have good reason not to trust him.

 

Let him go. Not just on the vacation, but out of the relationship. He can go have his fun, and you can find someone you trust.

 

Right! if he's trustworthy then there's no reason for you to get jealous coz you know that he wont do anything stupid. You said on your post that he never cheated on you right? but he ignores you and talks to some girls then you get soooo mad. I think that's "cheating" too.

 

Talk to him, let him know all of your concerns. If you want, you can go with him if your doubtful. hehe. but if he argues with you about the summer trip then I think it's a BAD SIGN.

[Leigh 87]

Remember, cheating is about:

 

1. weakness of character/ character flaws ( lack of self control, afraid of getting serious or getting too close, etc)

 

2. the connection u both have. A guy I know cheated on his MODEL girlfriend, with a lesser attractive girl he had already been witth, and knew he did not fancy.

 

 

3. their morals ( even if they are not that into you, a decent guy with integrity, would WAIT until he was back from the trip, and inform u of his desire to cheat when he gets back, and at least have the decency to break it off with u, before he goes off with others).

 

 

If he cheats, these are the reasons I can think of:

 

 

1 - he may be totally into u, but have deap personal issues and flaws. Meaning, he would do it with the perfect girl for him, because he is flawed, no matter how in love he is.

 

2 - he likes u, but your not the one for him, and so he desires others due to his fading desires towards u

 

3 - he lacks self awareness, and has no idea what he wants, or how to be a decent person... He likes or loves u a lot, but is weak and selfish, so desices to cheat, because he is not sure if your the on for him and he wants to have fun.

 

 

 

Either way, u will soon find out.

 

 

You HAVE to tell him " look, I need to know if u cheated, I have a bad feeling and if u have I will forgive u, but not take u back"

 

 

I know it sucks to come across needy and jealous! BUT, u have to make it cleat they U DO NOT trust him.

[Mantis Toboggan]

You either trust him or you don't.

 

The vacation has nothing to do with it.

 

Exactly. Vacation or no vacation, if cheating is in his heart, then he'll do it.

 

It's naive to blame cheating on a vacation or to assume that cancelling the vacation would eliminate his desire to cheat.

 

If you don't trust the guy, then find a guy you trust.

 

If you do trust him, then you have nothing to worry about.

[Beetleguise]

Hi op, seems we both joined around the same time with vaguely similar concerns... Only i posted in the less populated "General dating" section . Would appreciate it if you could post in my "rational or insecure" thread! (Hope this aint against site rules)

 

For people saying "You either trust him or you dont" i think this is far too black and white. I have friends and have had friends that have been madly in love with their girlfriends, self admitedly "Smitten" so happy...

 

Few beers go down the hatch and they sleep with a girl they have known 5 minutes from a club. Deeply regret it and feel bad the next day? Yes..

 

Imo.. You need boundaries, him going on holiday with the lads puts your relationship under threat. Even if he genuinly loves you and isnt a player, people change and make bad bad decisions once drunk in that enviroment.

[minnie2]

He must be real good looking is all I can think of.

Extremely, if you're into 115kg guys But I don't mind his weight that much

You either trust him or you don't.

 

The vacation has nothing to do with it.

 

If he is a trustworthy guy, he should be able to go on a vacation and enjoy himself, and you will KNOW he isn't gonna do anything stupid.

 

If he isn't a trustworthy guy, no amount of caging him in and "preventing" him from doing something is gonna stop him from cheating.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that it's not all black and white (Beetleguise I agree!). I think that it depends on circumstances. One extreme-people who would find a way to cheat while they're stuck on a desert island. The other extreme-people who would resist sleeping in the same bed with the most attractive man/woman on Earth.

But I think that most of us are somewhere in between.

Make it clear to him that he's no longer your boyfriend since he likes to touch other women's asses while chatting it up with them.

Well not exactly asses, but he puts his arm on a girl's waist in a non-friendly way (I've never seen him do that to his sister, or his childhood unattractive female friends). Other girls sit in his lap, etc... The thing is, I'm not jealous at these girls (I like them a lot), I just don't like his behavior.

 

 

As for this particular case, now I'm thinking about just telling him exactly why I think his vacation is problematic. If he ignores me, I may just go on some crazy vacation with my girlfriends and... well, have fun and see what happens...