b2121 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Hi everybody, I am 23 and have now been dating my girlfriend for 5 years. Things could not be better right now except for one thing . About two years ago we were broken up for probably 3 to 4 months. I was devastated and made it clear that i was miserable. Part of the problem was she had grown feelings for someone and wanted to be honest . Long story short we got back together and are better for it because we realize that it made us stronger and that the space and time helped confirm our love. Anyway she told me this past week that she despite constantly denying the fact for the past year , did in fact have a sexual relationship with this other guy. Apparently it was around 10 times. Things ended with them and she realized her ways and we got back together and everything was fine until she told me. I am not sure if i should be mad , understanding or what? She didnt tell me because she thought it would hurt me too much , but i told her we needed to be open. Ok thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I'd be pretty angry. I mean she either should have told you than or never at all. The problem with never telling you is it would have eaten at her and some how could have come foward mayb like maybe she told friends and stuff... I mean she probably did. You have to either forgive and forget or dump her. No wrong or right answer here. Its hard for me to say what I would really do till actually in the situation. I mean faced with this as a hypothetical I'd dump her... but in real life who knows. I mean its really hard to find some one you are completly into and who is completly into you... and still feel that way after years. Thing is if this has destroyed all trust and you see no hope dump her. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatDudeXO Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 As far as I'm concerned you have started a new relationship and left the old one behind, she hasn't cheated on you. You're commitment started from when you starting dating again with a clearer view on how to have a great relationship. I'd find it hard to get by hearing such a thing but you have to accept it if you really love her enough to stay with her. Maybe you should have dated in the time off too. Everyone makes mistakes and she's learning from hers, if you say it's bothering but you're relationship is great right now...just let her know it's bothering you and do your best to get over it. It's not important anymore because you are IN LOVE. That's all that matters. That guy meant nothing to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b2121 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 thanks for the input , but the thing is i dont know if she has broken my trust? I mean we were not really dating. I love her madly and things are great now. To better rephrase my dilemma , it is not a question of dumping her. Its more of was anything wrong with her having sex with another man? Also do you think it is ok if i allow them to be friends? I know she would never do anything or cheat on me with anyone , but is it appropriate for them to talk? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatDudeXO Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 thanks for the input , but the thing is i dont know if she has broken my trust? I mean we were not really dating. I love her madly and things are great now. To better rephrase my dilemma , it is not a question of dumping her. Its more of was anything wrong with her having sex with another man? Also do you think it is ok if i allow them to be friends? I know she would never do anything or cheat on me with anyone , but is it appropriate for them to talk? I personally wouldn't allow them to be friends at all. She must choose what's really important in your life. Here's the deal, she thought things were you were over. She thought your love wasn't real or isn't what she wanted or needed but it took her a guy and a few months to realise how real it is between you too. You have someone you love and loves you back with a lot of history behind you. I think you must decide is it worth letting go of all that history of something she did while she was single? As I said it took her to make a mistake in realising how special you are to her. If you really love her, forgive her and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b2121 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 You have someone you love and loves you back with a lot of history behind you. I think you must decide is it worth letting go of all that history of something she did while she was single? As I said it took her to make a mistake in realising how special you are to her. If you really love her, forgive her and move forward. I agree , they have no reason to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 thanks for the input , but the thing is i dont know if she has broken my trust? I mean we were not really dating. I love her madly and things are great now. To better rephrase my dilemma , it is not a question of dumping her. Its more of was anything wrong with her having sex with another man? Also do you think it is ok if i allow them to be friends? I know she would never do anything or cheat on me with anyone , but is it appropriate for them to talk? Well you were dating for years then broke up for a few months. So yeah she was a loud to have sex or date. Thing is she denied it. Then later admitted it. Also I'd personaly be less likely to get back with a girl who had sex with another guy durring our break up. Thats why she lied about it. The lying is what would hurt my trust. But if you forgive her and still trust her I don't understand the point of this thread. Just forget about it then. I think its fine for them to be friends. Thing is she's your woman. She shouldn't be talking with him. She has no reason to be calling/txting or internet communicating with the guy. So friends with pretty much every boudary you can think of. You know as if he was a work friend or something. Like if she sees him out on the street wave "hi" and end it there no lunch or dinner. No private communication internet or otherwise. Unless you don't mind then what ever. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatDudeXO Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 To sum up, just let her know it's bothering you and then decide if you love her enough to look past it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 IMHO---you got a big problem-----2 yrs into your relationship---your GF, obviously met a guy, she wanted to have sex with----if you go back the 2 yrs. and think about it---your GF, probably caused much of the problem that led to the breakup---well that was her and her lover demonizing you, so they could get together---she got together had her cheap little sexual fling, found out he wasn't that great, and came back to you---AND LIED FOR TWO YEARS THAT NOTHING SEXUAL HAPPENED. What makes you think the next time someone turns her on this whole thing won't happen again---or she will just go underground and you will continue on thinking everything is good, even while you are getting sloppy 2nds. Believe me when I tell you---your supposed GF, is a cheater, who has decieved, manipulated and lied to you---and it will happen again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 ... Long story short we got back together and are better for it because we realize that it made us stronger and that the space and time helped confirm our love. Well, not so much really. Keeping her sexual relationship a secret to "protect you" is bullsh*t. She didn't do it because she believed you would not take her back. Period. You feel confused and hurt now because your relationship is now built on a lie. Apparently it was around 10 times. Just something you should know. If she says 10 times then it was probably 20 - 50 times. Women lie about their sexual activities - especially cheating women. Just sayin'. Things ended with them and she realized her ways and we got back together and everything was fine until she told me. So, how does it feel to be her back-up plan? This is probably another reason you are struggling with her "protecting" you by lying. Keeping it from you for years and now admitting what she did is not the same thing as telling the truth; she lied to you ever since you got back together. I am not sure if i should be mad , understanding or what? She didnt tell me because she thought it would hurt me too much , but i told her we needed to be open. Ok thoughts? You feel the way you feel. I understand your confusion because I was in a very similar position. If you feel deceived and cheated than that's how you feel. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, it is up to you to sort out your feelings. If you are having problems accepting her behavior (sex and lying) now, then you really should break it off with her. You both deserve a chance to find a partner and have a relationship without this kind of baggage. Things are likely to get worse and, since you aren't married, there is really no reason for you two to go through all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Hi everybody, I am 23 and have now been dating my girlfriend for 5 years. Things could not be better right now except for one thing . About two years ago we were broken up for probably 3 to 4 months. I was devastated and made it clear that i was miserable. Part of the problem was she had grown feelings for someone and wanted to be honest . So... let me get this straight... she was having an emotional affair and wanted to have sex with the guy. So she dumped you... messed around with the guy and then lied her ass off so you would take her back? Now you want to know if you should feel upset about it? Seriously what she did is NOT OK. YES you should have a problem with it. I think you need to have a very serious discussion with her about this issue. To my thinking this is totally unacceptable... I'd dump her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b2121 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 We were broken up for two months before she really was with him, and i know it sounds funny but i knew this kid back in the day and he has a legit 2 inch penis so its not like she's damaged goods. I agree though it was horse **** , no way around it, but it was two years ago and its over with and she never cheated, why would i dump her? Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Yes, what she did was wrong. I think leaving IS the right course of action if you find yourself craving someone other than your partner to that degree, mind you (much better than cheating), but her actions in lying to you once she's come back are wrong. She should have admitted it when you first asked, particularly if it was the guy she 'left' you for. Honesty is key. It's up to you what you do now -- you either stay and deal with it or you leave. I don't think there's a definitive choice strangers on the internet can make for you, but you're definitely entitled to be upset with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 We were broken up for two months before she really was with him, and i know it sounds funny but i knew this kid back in the day and he has a legit 2 inch penis so its not like she's damaged goods. I agree though it was horse **** , no way around it, but it was two years ago and its over with and she never cheated, why would i dump her? Who cares how big his dick is? The point is that it sounds like she dumped you just to get with him. Honestly it's all up to you. If your cool with that then there really isn't an issue here. Would you have gotten back with her if she had been honest? If yes... then you need to just work on putting this behind you Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Who cares how big his dick is? The point is that it sounds like she dumped you just to get with him. Honestly it's all up to you. If your cool with that then there really isn't an issue here. Would you have gotten back with her if she had been honest? If yes... then you need to just work on putting this behind you Excellent advice Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 If she never cheated as you keep telling us----then why are you here moaning and groaning---just go live your life with her---your problem is that your sub-conscious really does know that she is a cheater and a liar, and you can't put that aside can you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Who cares how big his dick is? The point is that it sounds like she dumped you just to get with him. Honestly it's all up to you. If your cool with that then there really isn't an issue here. Would you have gotten back with her if she had been honest? If yes... then you need to just work on putting this behind you I agree, she got interested in someone else, dumped you and tried on a new boyfriend. Found out he didn't measure up ( no pun intended) and came back to you. Okay, so technically, she didn't cheat. She can have a clear conscience on that. But what happens if she becomes interested in someone else? Is she gonna break up with you again and screw this new guy and come back to you when she gets bored? But, you can't get mad about it! Because you were broken up at the time! Don't you love technicalities!!! And to answer your other questions, what if the roles were reversed. What if you were the one that had mad, hot, wild monkey sex with a girl at least 10 times (by the way, she's probably lying about the number of times to you). Do you think she would be okay with you talking to her? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 We were broken up for two months before she really was with him, and i know it sounds funny but i knew this kid back in the day and he has a legit 2 inch penis so its not like she's damaged goods. I agree though it was horse **** , no way around it, but it was two years ago and its over with and she never cheated, why would i dump her? Are you now saying they didn't have sex? In your OP you told us she admitted to having sex 10 times with the guy. Or are you saying because he had a small dick it doesn't count? Look, if your feelings have changed and you now accept the fact that she took a break to screw some other guy and used you as a back-up plan, own your decision. Your feelings are your feelings so just do what you feel is best and have a great life. If you are struggling because you feel she betrayed you but you are maybe afraid of being alone and starting over, heed some of the advice you are getting here; suck it up and walk away. You'll be just fine and find another girl in no time. Link to post Share on other sites
Liveinthenow Posted March 14, 2012 Share Posted March 14, 2012 I'd dump her. Yeah people will tell you that technically it was ok because you were broken up blah blah blah. Yet the fact remains she ****ed another guy 30+ times (multiply what a woman says by 3 to get the true answer) during the short space you were broken up which tells me she wasn't concerned at all about being able to get you back into her life once she got her rocks off and got what she wanted ie a test drive of the other man's goods and all that he had to offer emotionally and physically. She didn't use that time to think about what you two had together she used that time to let another man slide his penis inside her repeatedly, and they both likely talked dirty to eachother and she likely said all the things to him that should be reserved only for your ears. And you want a low down piece of filth like this back in your life? You're insane bro. This isn't future wifey material here. This is a chick that thinks of you as a beta male and so sprung on her she can do what she wants and sample another man's goods and you'll be waiting there to take her back like a good little servile puppy dog. If she really and truly valued what you two had and feared losing it forever she would have never ****ed this other man but she senses you are a weak beta male and knew she could get away with it. Have her cake and eat it too as it were. Now you may think you're riding high now and that things are going good and all that but what happens the next time you two have an argument or fight about something somewhere down the line? This is a woman who has exhibited the fact that she cannot be trusted and that your heart is not where her interests are at otherwise once again she would not of used her time apart from you to screw someother guy's brains out but instead used that time away to contemplate the pros and cons of your relationship together and whether it was worth preserving or not. Sure she "chose" you in the end and came back to you but only after deciding this other guy wasn't up to her standards after all. So that she didn't branch swing to the other guy and leave you completely THIS time doesn't mean she won't NEXT TIME you two have a falling out and she gets with another perhaps superior man in her estimation to the man she cheated on you with THIS time. People need to stop with that technically she didn't cheat noise...as thats all irrevant the technical part of the situation. No, whats relevant is that she wasn't so focused on you and what you two had that it stopped her from getting with another man. Thats the relevant point. Her love for you was not strong enough to keep her faithful to you even while broken up. Thats what I'm trying to get across to you here. Thats whats truly important. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 (edited) Dump her. Youre both young and she got GIGS the first time around. She was curious to meet other guys and only after she got burned did she want you back. You guys broke up the first time because she wanted to screw someone else. And now shes only with you because they didnt work out. Dont be her second choice or consolation prize. Edited March 15, 2012 by kaylan Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 thanks for the input , but the thing is i dont know if she has broken my trust? I mean we were not really dating. I love her madly and things are great now. To better rephrase my dilemma , it is not a question of dumping her. Its more of was anything wrong with her having sex with another man? Also do you think it is ok if i allow them to be friends? I know she would never do anything or cheat on me with anyone , but is it appropriate for them to talk? She dumped you so she go and have a new BF and have sex with him. No why would you be mad? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 thanks for the input , but the thing is i dont know if she has broken my trust? I mean we were not really dating. I love her madly and things are great now. To better rephrase my dilemma , it is not a question of dumping her. Its more of was anything wrong with her having sex with another man? Also do you think it is ok if i allow them to be friends? I know she would never do anything or cheat on me with anyone , but is it appropriate for them to talk? Former lovers must have NC for the rest of their lives. The temptation with continued contact will most likely result in them having sex again. Link to post Share on other sites
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