My MM wants to leave her wife, IM FREAKING OUT

[LovelyLaura]

I am new to this kind of problem.

 

Im 25 yo single lady, and my MM is 39 yo. We started as a coworker, involved in 1 same project, and we just fallen in love. Ok, fallen in love is not a word for it. At the beginning, it’s just an innocent flirt, and then develop to something crazy, we spend every Saturday together (yup, just once a week, from 6 pm to 1 am) just to have sex.

 

Its all just for sex. I never asked him about his life, his wife, his kids, etc. I dont care abt any of it, because i thought that this is just for fun, and i dont want to get involved emotionally with this man. We talk abt anything, but not something personal. We just talk abt our hobbies, favorite movie, food, etc. Never ask about the family, and i have no intention to do that. Its been like 2 months we have this routine, and i still dont have any clue abt his marriage, and im happy with this arrangement.

 

I am a very realistic woman, and never in my life told him to leave his wife. I just enjoy his company. Every Saturday is just enough for me, although we text each other everyday, and he calls me whenever he has time. I dont let my self to fall in love with this man, bcos he is a cheating husband, who wants to fall in love with this kind of men? Its a logic things, so the Saturday and texting is just fine for me. I dont invest any of my feeling in this relationship, but things are great like this. Our relationship is perfect. It's exactly what I want. I don't want to deal with a man 24/7, it's exhausting. I know my place, and i dont mind.

 

The problem is last weekend. Me and my MM, had to go to Hawaii to attend a conferences. Its a 1 day conferences on Friday, but we extend our visit to Sunday. Bcos, cmon, its hawaii guys. I dont have any vacation for a long time, and think that it will be a great idea to spend the weekend on hawaii, especially with him.

 

The hawaii is great, we just like a new couple, spend the honeymoon together. Holding hands, eating gelato, enjoy the beach, the sunset, nice dinner. It was perfect. But for me, i still know my position. So as romantic as it was, i still dont let my self to have any special feelings for him. Its still just for fun, and not going into something serious.

 

But out of nowhere, at the plane back home from Hawaii, he confess his feeling. Told me that he loves me so much, told me abt his problem with his wife (once he tried to leave her because of other man, no sex for like 3 months now, he just stuck with his wife bcos of their daughter), everything..

He told me that this relationship with me is not just for fun, he wants to take this into something serious. He just need some time to really figure this out. He said its not bcos the sooo romantic Hawaii, he already fallen love with me long before, but dont want to admit that bcos it will ruin everything.

 

Oh God, i just freaked out. And out of blue i say “Ok, i’ll give u time. But i cant wait forever, u have to figure this fast, and we can move on. Either we move to same direction, or separate our path, it will be all your decision”

 

And now im seriously freaking out. First, i dont know is any of those things that he said is true? He lied to his wife before, so how come i trust him? I read several posts in this forum, and my MM confession is exactly the same like any others MMs. Excuse, bla bla bla.. But why in this hell he told me those things when i openly say to him that its ok if this is just for fun?

 

But i dont care about it. What i really care is IF everything he said is the truth. IF he really2 means to take it to something serious. He said that he needs time to figure this out. I dont know this is true or not. But if this is true, i prefer that he decides to fix his marriage. I cant imagine that he will choose to leave her wife and be with me. What should i do? I mean i love this man, but not that kind of love. I have no plan to spend my entire life with him.

 

I am just very confuse right now.

[whichwayisup]

End things now since you know you don't want this man for yourself, don't want him to be your husband. Don't put all the owness on him. It takes two to have an affair, one to end it. Be the one who ends it so he can wake up about the fog and go back to his wife and fix things.

[norajane]

But if this is true, i prefer that he decides to fix his marriage. I cant imagine that he will choose to leave her wife and be with me. What should i do? I mean i love this man, but not that kind of love. I have no plan to spend my entire life with him.

 

I am just very confuse right now.

 

Why don't you tell him that? Be honest and tell him you don't love him the way he loves you and you don't want to spend your life with him.

 

As for this:

 

And out of blue i say “Ok, i’ll give u time. But i cant wait forever, u have to figure this fast, and we can move on. Either we move to same direction, or separate our path, it will be all your decision”

 

all his decision? Why? You don't see yourself with this man, long term. You've already made a decision. So why would you say that what happens next is all his decision?

[LovelyLaura]

Lady Grey : Hahahaha, well put dear.. But i dont have a heart to tell him to get lost. U should see him when he confess about his marriage. Whether its true or not, he looks so pathetic and desperate. That's why out of nowhere, i tried to comfort him and said that i will give him time. What a stupid things to say.. Arghhhh...

 

Alice : Are u sure Alice? I really hope that he just lied to me about everything that he said.. I know its not fair. There are a lot of OW out there wishing that her MM would make to this point and being honest abt it. But its not me..

But i dont know. Why the hell he told me such things when he knows that im ok with just having fun with him? Maaan, this is crazy. hahahaha...

[LovelyLaura]

Norajane, as i said earlier, i dont have the heart to tell him that i dont love him the way he loves me.. When he told me abt his feeling (whether its true or not) he looks soooo miserable. Thats why my instinct as a woman jump out, and try to comfort him and i said those word that i'll give him time to decide..

 

Honestly, maybe i just dont want to be the bad person who dump and destroy him. I want him be the one who dump me, so i wont feel any guilty for him. Selfish, but what can i do?

[MissBee]

More and more I believe an actual casual relationship is false! A figment of people's imaginations. As most times it does not stay in some neat box but spills everywhere.

 

If you do not want anything more than fun...tell him so and break it off with him. You don't want him for a partner because he's a cheater etc....yet you're not giving him any reason to believe you don't find him wonderful and want more.

 

It's time for you guys to be frank with each other and for you to be frank with yourself first. Obviously you have come to a fork in the road where a decision needs to be made as the A could not go on indefinitely without any talk about it..........

 

If you are not inlove with him and don't want a man 24/7 then does it matter if he is lying or being honest? That should not change how YOU feel right? If he is honest, do you magically love him too and want a man 24/7 now??

 

I don't think you guys started this with any communication, any of the same goals and ideals, etc. And I hope you tell him what you told us....i.e. you are not looking for him to leave his wife. However, you can't continue getting sex and whatever else from him and expect it to be okay. It's either you do not want that and can also leave the sex alone and "break up" or continue deeper in this. Which ultimately probably won't work out as he would essentially be leaving his marriage because he is "in love" with someone who views him casually.

 

I hope he too comes to his senses.......

[LovelyLaura]

If he doesn't matter that much to you, I wonder why you would post such a long, conflicted post. You are all over the place, saying one thing, then another. You don't want him, but yet you might want him, if.

 

 

My advice would be to tell him, if he is serious to get a divorce and then call you up and that you won't be the lady in waiting in the mean time, nor the back up plan. Waiting sucks...and especially for a mm, it's highly likely you will be waiting a long painful time. Go have fun with single guys, don't entangle yourself in mm and be part of the hurt he is inflicted on his wife. Life is too short to tangle yourself up with all the bs that comes with it. It scars you forever.

 

Thanks for the advice LadyGrey, I know i should tell him the truth. But really, i just dont have the heart to do that. I just wish that everything he said is just lie. or maybe if its the truth, he still decide to fix his marriage.

 

And for my feeling for this man? I love him, but i really dont want to spend my life with him. I just like the relationship to be like this. Once a week, texting, phone call, its all enough for me. Why he has to complicate this?

[norajane]

Norajane, as i said earlier, i dont have the heart to tell him that i dont love him the way he loves me.. When he told me abt his feeling (whether its true or not) he looks soooo miserable. Thats why my instinct as a woman jump out, and try to comfort him and i said those word that i'll give him time to decide..

 

Honestly, maybe i just dont want to be the bad person who dump and destroy him. I want him be the one who dump me, so i wont feel any guilty for him. Selfish, but what can i do?

 

Then you have to tell him NOW. He will be more miserable if you lie to him and lead him on.

[wannabdone]

If he doesn't matter that much to you, I wonder why you would post such a long, conflicted post. You are all over the place, saying one thing, then another. You don't want him, but yet you might want him, if.

 

 

My advice would be to tell him, if he is serious to get a divorce and then call you up and that you won't be the lady in waiting in the mean time, nor the back up plan. Waiting sucks...and especially for a mm, it's highly likely you will be waiting a long painful time. Go have fun with single guys, don't entangle yourself in mm and be part of the hurt he is inflicted on his wife. Life is too short to tangle yourself up with all the bs that comes with it. It scars you forever.

 

 

I was thinking the same thing. And the questions coming back to Alice's point that he isn't leaving......

 

Not saying at all that you don't mean what you are saying, but it seems like your wanting a little too much clarification on something or someone who your saying really isn't that important to you.

[wannabdone]

Laura,

 

Here is a big issue I have with this..... you seem very care free and hahaha over him wanting to leave his wife. If he really means so little to you, tell him to go home and fix things. This is someones marriage we are talking about. Back out of his life and allow him and his wife to make it work. M is not a joking manner to me.

[MissBee]

Well two people in this relationship want to avoid conflict...Laura with MM and MM with his wife. No one wants to base anything on truth and transparency and believe evading, lying or hoping the other person is lying will solve their problem so they don't have to face the truth.

 

I have been conflict avoidant myself...but learned that once you get over the initial fear of the conflict and the truth, you feel so relieved! People get over hurt...they do....hurt with a side of lies and deception hurts worse than telling the gentle truth.

 

 

You do not need to be harsh or say you don't love him....but you can simply say you do not want him to leave his wife and marriage for you and you do not want a relationship! That's the truth. Hoping he is lying is pretty silly lol If he isn't then what? You still will have to do something....or will you allow him to leave her, move in with you while you hope one day he moves out and stops loving you You need to be forthright now before things get even more complicated.

 

Often in avoiding conflict and the truth, because it seems easier, we end up in even MORE conflict and drama and pain that could have been avoided had we done the right thing in the 1s place. Don't jump from the frying pan right into the fire.

[wannabdone]

Oh I think he's going to come to his senses like they all do. That little Hawaiian honeymoon got him thinking he's in love. Once reality sets in and he starts thinking about having "the talk" with his wife, Laura will start to hear all the typical excuses. This is textbook.

 

Of course she needs to tell him though - on the flip side, guy may even be trying to use her for an exit affair.

 

 

YUP!!! AGREED!!

 

not trying to t/j.... exit affair? Is this where someone has an A for an excuse to leave? pardon my ignorance.

[LovelyLaura]

More and more I believe an actual casual relationship is false! A figment of people's imaginations. As most times it does not stay in some neat box but spills everywhere.

 

If you do not want anything more than fun...tell him so and break it off with him. You don't want him for a partner because he's a cheater etc....yet you're not giving him any reason to believe you don't find him wonderful and want more.

 

It's time for you guys to be frank with each other and for you to be frank with yourself first. Obviously you have come to a fork in the road where a decision needs to be made as the A could not go on indefinitely without any talk about it..........

 

If you are not inlove with him and don't want a man 24/7 then does it matter if he is lying or being honest? That should not change how YOU feel right? If he is honest, do you magically love him too and want a man 24/7 now??

 

I don't think you guys started this with any communication, any of the same goals and ideals, etc. And I hope you tell him what you told us....i.e. you are not looking for him to leave his wife. However, you can't continue getting sex and whatever else from him and expect it to be okay. It's either you do not want that and can also leave the sex alone and "break up" or continue deeper in this. Which ultimately probably won't work out as he would essentially be leaving his marriage because he is "in love" with someone who views him casually.

 

I hope he too comes to his senses.......

U got it right MissBee. At first, i thought that this kind of relationship will work. Just for fun, for sex, no emotional attachment. Im perfectly good with it.

 

And you are right girl, i started this relationship without any conversation abt the ideas of it. In my mind, i thought that we are on the same boat. Just looking for some fun.

 

But then, he tries to make it more, and now im freaking out. I dont have any intention for him to leaves his wife. Never occur in my mind.

 

Now, i think im just too coward to tell him the truth, and just wish that everything he told me was just a lie, and he will try his best to fix his marriage.

Edited March 12, 2012 by LovelyLaura

[LovelyLaura]

Oh god, after read all of ur opinion, i just realize that i put someone's M in really big danger here. Damn, i should've known this before. I just to naive to think that something like this will go unpunish.

 

And yeah, u are damn right MissBee. I am trying so hard to avoid this conflict, i dont wanna face it, i want to run away from it. Pretending that its not there.

 

But i cant do it anymore. Im not a little girl, i have to tell him this. And maybe after hear it, it will knock some sense into his mind..

 

Honestly, yesterday i said to my MM that he should fix his marriage. its 10 years marriage, and definitely means something more than just affair like ours.

Then he said that he has tried everything, but cant make it works.

But all of this time, he just accept it as the way it is for his daughter.

Now when he knows me, he realize that happiness is really exist and he wants to pursue it..

 

Now im really confuse. I dont want to spend my life with him, but saw him like that, i feel sorry for him..

 

But now i know, thx to all of you, that i can not run from this anymore. I will tell him the truth, and hope for the best for his marriage..

[MissBee]

Well....closing your eyes and clicking your heels won't make what he said unsaid or a lie

 

So you're better off simply telling him that you want him to stay married, you don't want a relationship and you need to take a break. If you want to be cowardly....send him an email or text about it!

 

Whatever you do.....don't allow him to believe you want to be his woman.

 

Goes to show that people often enter into relationships/arrangements with their own agendas and really just assume that the other person feels and thinks as they do, when everyone is living in their own world and then something happens to expose the illusion.

 

But yea Laura....it won't be as bad or hard to tell him the truth. Unfortunately you mixed business with pleasure so that may be quite awkward when you cut it off.... But heck...you made your bed so you must lie in it.

 

I know you're hoping to just run away or for it all to work itself out...but usually it does not simply go away so might as well take the reigns and at least end it on your terms.

 

* Typed this before I saw your last response. Yea I agree. You need to simply tell him. He will get over it. Trust me. At the end of the day that is better than prolonging a lie or think of the resentment and even more guilt you'll feel if he leaves his family for you when you know you don't want him like that.

[LovelyLaura]

Well....closing your eyes and clicking your heels won't make what he said unsaid or a lie

 

So you're better off simply telling him that you want him to stay married, you don't want a relationship and you need to take a break. If you want to be cowardly....send him an email or text about it!

 

Whatever you do.....don't allow him to believe you want to be his woman.

 

Goes to show that people often enter into relationships/arrangements with their own agendas and really just assume that the other person feels and thinks as they do, when everyone is living in their own world and then something happens to expose the illusion.

 

But yea Laura....it won't be as bad or hard to tell him the truth. Unfortunately you mixed business with pleasure so that may be quite awkward when you cut it off.... But heck...you made your bed so you must lie in it.

 

I know you're hoping to just run away or for it all to work itself out...but usually it does not simply go away so might as well take the reigns and at least end it on your terms.

 

* Typed this before I saw your last response. Yea I agree. You need to simply tell him. He will get over it. Trust me. At the end of the day that is better than prolonging a lie or think of the resentment and even more guilt you'll feel if he leaves his family for you when you know you don't want him like that.

Thx MissBee and all of you here for your opinion. Thank you all for not bashing me. Its what i get when i try to share this story to my friend. I know im a bad person already, i dont need them to tell me that. I just need some solution, and maybe just some honest opinion about this problem.

 

And i get it here, thx to you. Now i feel so much better.

I will tell him the truth, i will encourage him to work on his marriage, and be a better husband and father to his family.

[MissBee]

Thx MissBee and all of you here for your opinion. Thank you all for not bashing me. Its what i get when i try to share this story to my friend. I know im a bad person already, i dont need them to tell me that. I just need some solution, and maybe just some honest opinion about this problem.

 

And i get it here, thx to you. Now i feel so much better.

I will tell him the truth, i will encourage him to work on his marriage, and be a better husband and father to his family.

 

You are not a bad person, but indeed were making some unscrupulous choices, as most have been guilty of.

 

So...are you breaking up with him? As in, when you tell him to work on his marriage, will you leave him alone or continue the A but just reminding him to work on his family?

[skywriter]

I know this is off the original subject of the thread, but regardless of whatever the truth is concerning yourself and the MM.

 

Please, protect yourself from std's and pregnancy!

[whichwayisup]

Now, i think im just too coward to tell him the truth

 

I see in another reply you said you were going to talk to him/tell him the truth of how you feel.. But I need to ask, why you think you're too much of a coward to tell him the truth and be honest?

[Angelina527]

Thx MissBee and all of you here for your opinion. Thank you all for not bashing me. Its what i get when i try to share this story to my friend. I know im a bad person already, i dont need them to tell me that. I just need some solution, and maybe just some honest opinion about this problem.

 

And i get it here, thx to you. Now i feel so much better.

I will tell him the truth, i will encourage him to work on his marriage, and be a better husband and father to his family.

 

 

You're certainly not a bad person, but you did make a poor and hurtful choice. I'm so glad that you are seeing things for what they are now!

[stillafool]

 

 

But i dont care about it. What i really care is IF everything he said is the truth. IF he really2 means to take it to something serious. He said that he needs time to figure this out. I dont know this is true or not. But if this is true, i prefer that he decides to fix his marriage. I cant imagine that he will choose to leave her wife and be with me. What should i do? I mean i love this man, but not that kind of love. I have no plan to spend my entire life with him.

 

I am just very confuse right now.

 

Have you ever thought about telling him this?

[Stellar Wench]

MM say this all the time and rarely leave. You really have nothing to worry about. If you're still worried, withhold sex. Once he gets back into the swing of reality and isn't getting sex from you, thoughts of leaving his marriage will stop.

[nofool4u]

But i dont care about it. What i really care is IF everything he said is the truth. IF he really2 means to take it to something serious. He said that he needs time to figure this out. I dont know this is true or not. But if this is true, i prefer that he decides to fix his marriage.

 

You want him to fix his marriage eh? But I suppose you still will want him to come over every Saturday too still, no?

 

*sigh* People always say things they don't really mean. Because fixing his marriage should mean you are history.

[bentnotbroken]

Lady Grey : Hahahaha, well put dear.. But i dont have a heart to tell him to get lost. U should see him when he confess about his marriage. Whether its true or not, he looks so pathetic and desperate. That's why out of nowhere, i tried to comfort him and said that i will give him time. What a stupid things to say.. Arghhhh...

 

Alice : Are u sure Alice? I really hope that he just lied to me about everything that he said.. I know its not fair. There are a lot of OW out there wishing that her MM would make to this point and being honest abt it. But its not me..

But i dont know. Why the hell he told me such things when he knows that im ok with just having fun with him? Maaan, this is crazy. hahahaha...

 

 

Pathetic.....yes. Fun......sure it is.

[LovelyLaura]

Thank you all. You've been so supportive to me.

 

Im so confusing lately. I dont know what to do. Yes, this A started as a physical A, doesnt involved any of our emotion. When i say its for having fun, i mean we just do that and never really talked about the future of our A. Because we think its just temporary, we dont mean to take it to something serious.

I am sorry if my phrase here may hurt and causes pain to others. I do apologize, i didnt mean to do that. Its not fair for the W, i know, but back when i started this A, i didnt have a thought about the W. I didnt put myself in her shoes. Im just stupid young lady back then, think that sex will add color to our boring project. It was a very poor and idiot choice. And now, i have to bear the consequences.

 

After reading all ur post here, and couples outside this thread, i just realized that im so selfish back then. The part that i consider "fun" is actually causing pain to others. Yes for me and my MM, we started this just for its fun. At beginning, its so exciting and can take us from our boring project routine to something more colorful. I didnt consider about the effect of my action to others. I didnt think about his wife, his family, his daughter, i didnt give a damn about it. Now, i am just so ashamed of my doing. How could i become that selfish, just like the world revolves around me. I was so narrow minded. I was so stupid to get my self involve of this mess.

 

But now, 3 months later, from what i started as just physical relation, it grows to something emotional. No, its not like i want my MM to leave his W and become fully mine. I just, i dont know how to put this. I do care about this man. I dont know why, the feeling is just there by itself. I guess if you sleep with someone again and again, its hard not to care abt him. But still, i dont want to be his W, i have no plan for getting married with him.

 

So believe me, when he told me that he falls in love, part of me just jumped because of joy, but the rest of me also jumped but for different reason. I was freaking out to think that he may leave his wife for me. And i dont want any of it. I dont want him leave her wife, as i said, i do care abt this man. Leave her wife may seem a logical option to him now but it will destroy him, i dont know why, i just knew that once he step out from his marriage, he will fall apart, and im not ready to catch it.

 

I havent told him the truth because i dont have the heart to crash his heart. And maybe the part of me who feel happy when he said those things (whether its true or not) prevent me from ending this. The cowardness in me, combine with the joy, made me (again) made a poor choice and instead of telling the truth, i keep giving this man hope.

 

And it has to end now. I will tell him the truth, i do care about him, but i dont want him to leave his wife. I will end this A, because it wont help him fix his M. How could he focus to fix his M while he still has an OW outside? OW, A, its all lie. And a good M should not consist of those lies.