My ex broke up with me and is now acting mean, cold and heartless...Why???

[al007]

Hi everyone,

 

I am here to vent and also get your feedback. Yes I know after reading this you might say you are better off but any feedback is still appreciated.

 

I am 31 and she is 46. We met on NYE. We had some incredible chemistry. She invited me to her place and from then on I would spend every weekend with her. She never mentioned if the age bothered her at the beginning and would always tell me how she was sad when I would leave her home for the weekend. She introduced me to her friends, her kids and we even drove up to see her mom in vegas 3 times. She even mentioned about being exclusive and even crying and saying how she was scared to fall for me. She would cook for me, treat me to eat and always want me to come over. Tell me things like I am loyal, I would never hurt you or leave you.

 

Well we came back from vegas last weekend. She asked me to come for dinner on monday and I did. The was the last time I saw her. She broke up with me over text this wednesday and since then it has been non stop back and forth text wars. He reason was that she saw no future with us because of the age and that we were both at different points in our lives. Saying she was going to retire soon while I was barely getting started. I tried to say other couples with that age gap have successful relationships. She would not listen and stuck to her guns. I asked her why she never told me from the start why she never a future, obviously if I knew that I would have not gotten emotionally involved and not gotten hurt. She said she told me 2 months and that is the beginning and I said no..If you knew from the start that it was an issue then why were not upfront from the beginning. She is being nothing by mean. She texted me last night asking if i was ok, saying I can't do anything if you don't respond to me and when i do respond today she is back to meaning mean and unreasonable. I mean I kept saying these could have been avoided if she would be upfront with me from the beginnging.

 

We took lots of pictures together and I would hope she would treasure that. She tried to tell me she didn't want a man right now but she eventually wanted to be married and couldn't marry me because of our age and where we are in our lives. I didn't believe her wanting to be alone because when we first started seeing each other she mentioned many times on how lonely she was. Well i found her profile today on match using pics that i took or pics that I was in and that she cropped me out. I mean wow how could she do that in literally right after I saw her on Monday. Wouldn't those pics mean anything to her or our time together.She got mad because i pointed that out along with her not being upfront with me and also the fact that she would drink so much that would pass out.

 

so everyone what are your thoughts and why do you think she is being so mean to me. How could someone be that heartless...no sarcasm please...

[al007]

I really would like some replies from some of you. it would be much appreciated. thank you.

[TaraMaiden]

I don't know but it look as if it's a self-protective measure.

It's possible she actually does feel very deeply for you, but the age thing has been playing on her mind - and it's now got too big for her to deal with.

 

so while she still could - while the relationship could be said to be in its embryonic stages - she decided to end it, before it became too painful, impractical and complicated.

 

the fact that you are ripping each others' hearts out with texts is an indication that feelings still run deep.

 

you HAVE to go the no contact route - look at my signature and the link to the Caliguy program - and then stick to it.

 

if you stop with the chasing, replying, recriminations and accusations - she may do some re-thinking.

it's no guarantee though, and remember: no contact is to help you, not her.

 

read the link.

either way, it definitely works.

[al007]

I don't know but it look as if it's a self-protective measure.

It's possible she actually does feel very deeply for you, but the age thing has been playing on her mind - and it's now got too big for her to deal with.

 

so while she still could - while the relationship could be said to be in its embryonic stages - she decided to end it, before it became too painful, impractical and complicated.

 

the fact that you are ripping each others' hearts out with texts is an indication that feelings still run deep.

 

you HAVE to go the no contact route - look at my signature and the link to the Caliguy program - and then stick to it.

 

if you stop with the chasing, replying, recriminations and accusations - she may do some re-thinking.

it's no guarantee though, and remember: no contact is to help you, not her.

 

read the link.

either way, it definitely works.

 

Hi TaraMaiden..thank you for the response. I do agree it's self protective measures but my question is why couldn't she be upfront from the beginning...from day 1 if she knew this was an issue..it's not fair to me. I could have avoided all of this if I knew that. I could have kept my emotions in check. She can't even answer the question when I ask her that except that she can't go back on time and she made a mistake and I have to accept. I mean what the heck is that. How can someone be so cold when they are the reason the whole mess was created in the first place.

 

and yes we are being extremely vicious with text. I mean sunday morning she kept asking if i was ok and said i can't do anything if you don't answer me. what is that supposed to me. she asked me that and then when I respond its back to the text wars. I had ignored for two days before that too. I should have stuck to my guns on that.

 

Taramaiden why spend the weekend in vegas with her mom and i and then invite me to come to her house on monday for dinner and then breakup with me on wednesday. she said countless times she wanted to be alone right now and yet she opens up a match account. when i told her about that she said she is alone she just did that to pass the time..what the heck is that crap. and to make matters worse she used pics of our times together. does that show she didn't appreciate our pics.

 

Get this Taramaiden she says she still has the two pictures i gave her that were framed on her nightstand. Why would she do all of that and still admit she has our pics on her nightstand..

 

if you stop with the chasing, replying, recriminations and accusations - she may do some re-thinking. Yes I stopped talking to her and responding for 2 days and she was more apolegetic but as soon as I respond it starts again. so yes i need to stop all contact but she has some of my stuff like one of my guitars, jackets and clothes. should i wait on that?

[al007]

"

Seems she is projecting onto you. Trying to justify in her head that her behaviour is warrented, instead of truly seeing how hurtful her actions are towards you. Such people are selfish and you are better off without her. I read so many stories on LS of ex's acting really cruelly in the end. I will never understand or tolerate such behaviour. "

 

Thank you for your response Florescent. Yes trying to justify her behavior or make excuses. Like when I said why weren't you upfront with me from the start. she said something it doesn't matter the ending would be the same. What the heck..is she that stupid or she is that stubborn. how is the same. The big difference is would have never gotten hurt and that is huge. Which leads me to agree with you in saying that is selfish behavior. Do you think she is getting mad and acting like that because she knows she messed up bad or that she knew she didn't tell me from day 1 because she was lonely and for selfish reasons?

 

"I mean how would they feel if we were cold and cruel to them? Human nature can be so cruel and vicious sometimes and in most cases its simply not warranted of justified. Her coldness and cruelness to you is that of an emotionally immature person..Doesn't matter if she is 46. You can be 76 and emotionally immature.."

 

Thank you!!!!!! I did nothing bad to her during our relationship. I have every right to be hurt and angry. I am the one that got screwed here. And even more so when you admitted she knew the age was an issue since day 1. seriously why ask me to come over every weekend, cook for me, introduce to her mother, family and good friends and ask to be exclusive if she never had any intention of us being long term. I mean she would cry and or get sad when she knew I was leaving back home at the conclusion of the weekend. All I am doing is calling her out on all the stuff she did and she is getting mad. Like i said i am the one that got screwed here not her.

 

Oh and she has been married 3 times. the last two marriages the men did a number on her who's to say she is still bitter and now she is not knowingly being like that to me.

 

 

"Find someone younger and closer to your age. She is probably right that there is too much of an age gap but she should have been upfront earlier. I would focus on why you would want such an older woman. It's like you want a 'mother' type figure in your life? A guy your age shouldn't be looking at a 46 year old with kids..Something doesn't add up and you need to figure out what that is. Let her be her. Rise above her behaviour and focus SOLELY on yourself. By putting the hard work in on yourself you will eventually find what your heart truly desires out of life..

"

 

Yes she should have been upfront day 1 or after the first few dates, don't have me come over every weekend and spend all this time together, ask to be exclusive, meet my parents and then pull this crap. I never intended this to be this serious because of the age but you know sometimes when someone appears to be so good to you and seems like they really want you and care for you in their heart, I felt for it and here we are. So it was not like I was looking for it, it sort of happened. The one lesson I learned is always ask what their intentions are upfront because i can't assume they will volunteer it.

 

What are your thoughts on that she said wanted to be alone and yet a few days after she opens a match account and uses pictures from our times together..really how cold is that? And then she says she still has the two pictures i gave her in frames on her nightstand. What the heck is wrong with this picture. its wrong for her to use those pictures and why would she keep our two pics on her nightstand..makes no sense...

[TaraMaiden]

Like I said - her heart and mind are in conflict. She may have had misgivings about the age difference from the start, but tried to get over it... but it proved too much....

So she's being ultra-bitchy to make herself believe she's right, because if you're a b'stard back, then it proves she's right about you not being the right guy for her...sorted!

if you always respond in a kind, loving, affectionate and compassionate way - then at one point, she has absolutely nowhere to go with the bitchiness, and can't sustain it...

 

as for your stuff, arrange to go - with someone - to collect it all.

this 'someone' will make sure you don't get involved in any prolonged, meaningful and emotional discussion....

 

Incidentally, my mother and father had 11 years between them.

lasted 57 years.....

[al007]

Seems she is projecting onto you. Trying to justify in her head that her behaviour is warrented, instead of truly seeing how hurtful her actions are towards you. Such people are selfish and you are better off without her. I read so many stories on LS of ex's acting really cruelly in the end. I will never understand or tolerate such behaviour. I mean how would they feel if we were cold and cruel to them? Human nature can be so cruel and vicious sometimes and in most cases its simply not warranted of justified. Her coldness and cruelness to you is that of an emotionally immature person..Doesn't matter if she is 46. You can be 76 and emotionally immature..

 

Find someone younger and closer to your age. She is probably right that there is too much of an age gap but she should have been upfront earlier. I would focus on why you would want such an older woman. It's like you want a 'mother' type figure in your life? A guy your age shouldn't be looking at a 46 year old with kids..Something doesn't add up and you need to figure out what that is. Let her be her. Rise above her behaviour and focus SOLELY on yourself. By putting the hard work in on yourself you will eventually find what your heart truly desires out of life..

 

Thank you for your response Florescent. Yes trying to justify her behavior or make excuses. Like when I said why weren't you upfront with me from the start. she said something it doesn't matter the ending would be the same. What the heck..is she that stupid or she is that stubborn. how is the same. The big difference is would have never gotten hurt and that is huge. Which leads me to agree with you in saying that is selfish behavior. Do you think she is getting mad and acting like that because she knows she messed up bad or that she knew she didn't tell me from day 1 because she was lonely and for selfish

Thank you!!!!!! I did nothing bad to her during our relationship. I have every right to be hurt and angry. I am the one that got screwed here. And even more so when you admitted she knew the age was an issue since day 1. seriously why ask me to come over every weekend, cook for me, introduce to her mother, family and good friends and ask to be exclusive if she never had any intention of us being long term. I mean she would cry and or get sad when she knew I was leaving back home at the conclusion of the weekend. All I am doing is calling her out on all the stuff she did and she is getting mad. Like i said i am the one that got screwed here not her.

 

Oh and she has been married 3 times. the last two marriages the men did a number on her who's to say she is still bitter and now she is not knowingly being like that to me.

Yes she should have been upfront day 1 or after the first few dates, don't have me come over every weekend and spend all this time together, ask to be exclusive, meet my parents and then pull this crap. I never intended this to be this serious because of the age but you know sometimes when someone appears to be so good to you and seems like they really want you and care for you in their heart, I felt for it and here we are. So it was not like I was looking for it, it sort of happened. The one lesson I learned is always ask what their intentions are upfront because i can't assume they will volunteer it.

 

What are your thoughts on that she said wanted to be alone and yet a few days after she opens a match account and uses pictures from our times together..really how cold is that? And then she says she still has the two pictures i gave her in frames on her nightstand. What the heck is wrong with this picture. its wrong for her to use those pictures and why would she keep our two pics on her nightstand..makes no sense...

[TaraMaiden]

You have to stop asking these questions, and i'll tell you why.

Because you're trying to get into her mind to see how it works and why, and we can never gain access to somebody's thought processes.

 

It's happened.

It's over.

 

The whys, wherefores, hows, or wtfs of the situation really no longer matter - because maybe there are multiple answers, or maybe there's no real, single answer at all.

You business now is to get your own act back together again, stop chewing this over, or you'll just get mental bellyache....and no positive nourishment at all.

 

The question now, is how you can move on healthily and successfully.

[al007]

Like I said - her heart and mind are in conflict. She may have had misgivings about the age difference from the start, but tried to get over it... but it proved too much....

So she's being ultra-bitchy to make herself believe she's right, because if you're a b'stard back, then it proves she's right about you not being the right guy for her...sorted!

if you always respond in a kind, loving, affectionate and compassionate way - then at one point, she has absolutely nowhere to go with the bitchiness, and can't sustain it...

 

as for your stuff, arrange to go - with someone - to collect it all.

this 'someone' will make sure you don't get involved in any prolonged, meaningful and emotional discussion....

 

Incidentally, my mother and father had 11 years between them.

lasted 57 years.....

 

Wow...you are so right because she is of course trying to twist things into her favor such as:

 

glad to know how you really felt about me

you expect me to try to be with you after this - (really you were already discaring me)

 

Well you know the drill I am sure. I just texted her with a simple text saying "I am sorry" that's a start right. I am sorry for the text wars but I still feel dumb saying I am sorry when I didn't do anything. I guess I have to be the bigger person and drop the pride right? Would you agree Taramaiden?

 

Wow your parents made it work. That is beautiful. Shows it can be done and they did it. Obviously your mom and dad were not like her using excuses.

 

What were your thoughts about the pictures that i mentioned?

 

I appreciate your great advice

[al007]

You have to stop asking these questions, and i'll tell you why.

Because you're trying to get into her mind to see how it works and why, and we can never gain access to somebody's thought processes.

 

It's happened.

It's over.

 

The whys, wherefores, hows, or wtfs of the situation really no longer matter - because maybe there are multiple answers, or maybe there's no real, single answer at all.

You business now is to get your own act back together again, stop chewing this over, or you'll just get mental bellyache....and no positive nourishment at all.

 

The question now, is how you can move on healthily and successfully.

 

Yes I know...i asked those questions because i could never ever be like that to a person. Because I know i could never do that a person makes it hurt even more when someone i cared for so much that I thought had a good heart like mine could act like that to me. and that's why I ask people in the forum because all though it's not her answers it some possible answer and it makes me feel better. The whole not knowing drives me crazy but the responses I get from others help immensely. It makes me realize that I am not the bad person and I did nothing wrong.

[TaraMaiden]

No, you're not a bad person, and no you didn't do anything wrong.

but you know that, you don't need us to confirm it for you.

And get this - that doesn't make her a bad person either...

 

Look, relationships break up for a gadgillion different reasons....

 

she hasn't been unfaithful, and neither have you.

she hasn't hit or beaten you, and you haven't done the same to her.

these things happen.

It's really not the worst thing that could ever have happened to you....

It's just been 2 months, not 2 years.

you'll be fine.

Look to getting yourself well, back on track, and over this.

 

That's all you can do now.

 

OK?

[heatherfeather]

TaraMadien,

 

I tried the link for the CALI guy thing you posted but it only takes me back to the main forum. I would love to read it.

[TaraMaiden]

Hang on....i'll see what I can do.......

[TaraMaiden]

Try this....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/281193-all-new-no-contact-thread

[heatherfeather]

Much appreciated!

[TaraMaiden]

There's a glitch in the Forum program somewhere... i just got notification that my posts are under moderation.

Trust me, they're not.....

So maybe the link also got broken....

I renewed the link - it works now.....

Edited March 12, 2012 by TaraMaiden
renewed link check....

[heatherfeather]

Thanks Tara!

 

Reading that gave me apsolutly no hope what so ever and I am a very positive person in real life.

I believe in the law of attraction and if I project no hope, then I wont get any hope.

So I am still hoping Now I have that sick feeling in my stomach again like I am going to throw up.

[TaraMaiden]

the Law of Attraction does nothing but raise hopes and dash them to pieces on the rocks.... Believing in TLOA, hasn't brought you any lasting satisfaction, has it?

 

The only thing TLOA has done is to make those who perpetuate it and promote it - stinking rich, on the wishes, hopes and desperate desires of those who bought into it.

 

Heather, come on - you're an intelligent girl.

 

The No Contact guide has done more to save broken hearts and shattered souls, than any publicity-driven shallow fallacious ideal ever could.....

Because it's real, it's tell-it-like-it-is, and it puts the entire responsibility for loving yourself, moving on, healing and growing completely in your lap, at your fingertips and only at your control.

 

your hope is based on the will of another person twisting round to do what you want - and that can't happen....

By following the NC guide, you take your life, future and destiny into your own hands.... as opposed to abdicating your every waking moment to the dream of what might be.

don't base your life on Hope.

Hope is a non-guaranteed premise.... and is a gamble at the best of times.

you want to decide your life on what amounts to the turn of a card?

 

you're better than that.....

[heatherfeather]

I like to be a positive person. I am a mentor in my community and I have seen first hand what negativity can do to a person. I don't want to be that way at all. It actually sinks me into depression to be honest.

 

I have also seen how the TLOA can actually help people, seen it in action so I believe it in.

I also believe in positive quotes and positive affirmations. They can be powerful beyond measure.

 

Although I realize that just because I believe in hope doesn't mean that I will get my ex back, it at least alleviates the pain for awhile and I don't sink in a hole of depression which goes back and forth and I have to keep hoping

[TaraMaiden]

"It alleviates the pain,, for a while..."

 

so what do you do when the pain comes back...?

 

wait up....

I'm not trying to goad or argue here, or pick on you....

I'm trying to help you see that maybe what you're doing, isn't working - or isn't as effective right now as you need it to be....

 

I don't know what you mean by 'mentor in your community'... but who's YOUR mentor?

Even counsellors have to have another counsellor to offload onto.... because everybody needs a release valve... nobody can do it on their own.....

 

And if people in your community are expecting you to be positive all the time - then something, at some point, may well hve to give......

[heatherfeather]

I mentor young kids who have gotten in trouble with the law in some shape or form.

Being negative is no way to live either. It alleviates the pain for awhile when I am in pain but eventually it gets better then the hope turns into something different as in hoping for someone else. You see where I am going with this?

 

No I can't be positive all the time but that is where I turn to postive quotes and affirmations to help me through the tough times.

[al007]

Was expecting this. People who have been screwed over in life are full of righteous anger. They have a more cynical view of the world. They are victims of their own personal circumstances. They find it harder to trust, harder to commit. They tend to blame everyone else. The 'blame game' is easier then focusing on whats really wrong in their lives. They never bring things inwards and focus on the REAL issues within themselves, never taking accountability for their own actions in these relationships or in life itself. More often then not, those people end up alone and bitter looking for the impossible dream that does not exist.

 

You come along and she makes you feel special. It's usually temporary with people like this and the endings are very quick and sudden with no regard for the dumpee. Eventually their unresolved baggage gets in the way. There is no point in trying to open their eyes to their predicament. These kind of people usually get SUPER defensive and again put everything back on you.

 

Second guessing her behaviour is pointless. She operates on a different wavelength to you. I would focus on why you were attracted to someone like this in the first place and why you ignored the obvious red flags (3 marriages, always her being screwed over). Even if these guys cheated on her, there were still issues with her. It's therefore easier for her to tell you "its them never me", instead of resolving with is wrong internally with her. She keeps following the same patterns making the same mistakes and will continue to do so until she becomes self aware...(highly doubtful). Easier to blame everyone in the world, but herself..She is slowly heading down the road to bitterville taking the usual stops long the way...

 

It's time to stop obsessing about her actions. You will never understand these actions and there will always be unanswered questions. Do you really want to end up with someone who has all this baggage and is capable of being so nasty? I wouldn't!!It's time to focus solely on you. An emotionally healthy person would not be attracted to a woman like this. No matter how beautiful she is. He would spot the warning signs and act on them. You need to focus on you. Otherwise you too will keep following the same patterns as she does, never learning the lessons you are supposed to learn..

 

Wow that was brilliant you described her perfectly. Everything you said about her blaming others for her problems is right on. She admitted to drinking more because she felt bad about what was doing to me. Whatever! Oh she basicly admited thst she wants to get.married in a few years and.she is only on match to get out on a few dates here and there. Wow she said.she would never do what.she.did again and what is she saying she is going to do. Go out with a few guys on dates to pass the time. These guys might be looking for the right one and all.she is.doing is playing games. She doesn't care who she hurts. To me it starting to tell me age.has nothing to do with it. Wow you are so right on the money.

[al007]

Like I said - her heart and mind are in conflict. She may have had misgivings about the age difference from the start, but tried to get over it... but it proved too much....

So she's being ultra-bitchy to make herself believe she's right, because if you're a b'stard back, then it proves she's right about you not being the right guy for her...sorted!

if you always respond in a kind, loving, affectionate and compassionate way - then at one point, she has absolutely nowhere to go with the bitchiness, and can't sustain it...

 

as for your stuff, arrange to go - with someone - to collect it all.

this 'someone' will make sure you don't get involved in any prolonged, meaningful and emotional discussion....

 

Incidentally, my mother and father had 11 years between them.

lasted 57 years.....

 

You know.earlier.this.morning.she admitted she saw no.future from.the start. Wow so.she did.this knowing.full well this.wouldn't last. Does.she really feel cooking and.being.nice.etc.justifies. This is plain cold.and heartless.

[al007]

Not sure if this helps but I wrote a thread on resolved anger...Cant say if she suffers from this but I do see certain traits in her behaviour..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/315182-unresolved-anger

 

Fluorescent I will check it out. You were on the money about the blaming and the person being selfish. I mean saying she is going to go on sinple dates to get her busy.and pass tge time is really selfish and.messed up. As you said she has.some serious issue.and.obviously if.i told her that she would respond as you said.and get mad.and try to fire the blame.back and accept responsibility....

[al007]

a1007 in my 20's I was your ex. I always looked at my ex's and how I was always screwed over. It was only when I realised that is not a healthy way to live my life, did I finally have my eyes opened. The anger, resentment, cynicism and negativity are gone. Replaced by positivity, happiness and an open heart. I refuse to let baggage from the past weigh me down. I refuse to let hurt and baggage from the past effect future relationships.

 

It's only since I have had my eyes opened do I view the world in a very different way. I had a great childhood. Have great family and friends so the damage of two bad relationships was never irreversible for me. Some people get so messed up that recovery is impossible. Some people are a product of their environment and are unaware of the real damage that has been done to them. I find this so sad, because it's not their fault. Previous behavioural patterns are sooo hard to break from their pasts. They stay oblivious to it all, blaming the world and everyone in it. They have never been thought or programmed differently. Therefore its so hard to get through to them. They have been watching their own backs for so long, they don't really know how to create and forge a successfull partnership. They never had any role models to show them the way.

 

My ex used to go NUTS if I ever even mentioned his parents innocently (after awhile I stopped obviously!). He just doesn't get the fact that, until the day people can mention his parents (especially his father) without him exploding he will never be emotionally healthy...

 

For myself, I've been on 5 dates with a great guy,. The old me would be cautious. Now I am just going for it. Yes I am taking it slow (if you know what I mean) but my heart is free to love IF thats the direction this goes in. You can't focus on her. Thats what your ex does. No point in taking part in the blame game. In time forgive her. Forgiveness for her hurtful actions, will free you from her grip over you. Accept she doesn't have the same thought process as you. There in things in life you are not meant to understand. By behaving positively your life will be enhanced going forward. This is from a person who once lashed out at everything, blamed anyone I could and was full of anger. I became self aware slowly with the help of family and friends. I would love to help my ex but that is not my job. I wish him well but thats it. Please just focus on you...

 

Thank you. I know and appreciate your words. They do help! It's just I have such a good heart and I could never be the cold and selfish like that.